inthelight

I've been dealing with my ex AH pretty much on a daily basis lately. I recall that when we were married he would often ask me to attend Al-anon. I refused to attend I guess because of fear.....fear of having to relive hurts or hear the abuses that others have endured or mostly just having to face the fact that I have failed in some form or fashion. I need someone out there to give me a heads up on the program. I keep reading the threads and people are mentioning attending these meetings, is it really helpful?

journeygal

Hi Inthelight,

Al-anon is not about making you feel like a failure. It's about finding a different way to live, one that's a lot less painful and chaotic. People who've found success with al-anon used to feel that they needed to control everyone and everything in their life. Al-anon teaches us to let go of trying to control everything and rely on a higher power to handle what we can't. We aren't responsible for taking care of others who should be taking care of themselves. We can't fix anyone and we shouldn't be constantly putting other's needs ahead of our own.

Al-anon has helped me tremendously. I understand your fear - I had it too. But you have nothing to be afraid of. Give it a shot. And keep coming back here.

Take care,
JG

Peaches04

HI inthelight! I am brand new to this, so I just wanted to share my insight. I am absolutely AMAZED at how much the literature and alanon has taught me. I've been to one meeting and literally just cried the whole time. I have been reading the "Codependent No More" books and the alanon literature and it is just a whole new way of thinking - for me anyway. You may not be as sick as I am in the spiral of codependency. My sister always tells me to "check my motives". If your motive for NOT going is one of doing something you AH wants you to do, so you don't want to do it....then maybe rethink it? But, I can certainly understand the fear of re-living all the pain, I wouldn't want to do that either, if I didn't have to...but, I'm starting to realize we do, if we want to heal. One other important thing is going to those meetings and "letting go" and "forgiving" does NOT mean that you are okay with what he's done to you - it means that you are allowing yourself to move on and you are not going to let it take control of your thoughts anymore. You really 'forgive' him, for yourself...not for him. My sister has been trying to drill that through my head, so for what it's worth...that's my thought. But, since you said Ex-AH...sounds like you did set some boundaries and took actions to move on... and I know that wasn't easy. I hope this helps!

cwohio

inthelight - i have been going to al-anon meetings for about 2 months now and also participating on this board. it's amazing - after growing up in an alcoholic home and then marrying one (big surprise - lol) i had heard about al-anon for many years, but never really knew what it was about or looked into it. i had to get to the point where i was desperate for something to help me. it's not a miracle quick fix, it takes work, but i have also seen the good in just a few small changes i have made since starting. i have a long way to go, but that's ok - i'll go where this road is leading - the other road was a deadend!

try a different meetings out - they are all different and you will find one that speaks to you.

hugs - cwohio

inthelight

Thanks you guys.....I will try to attend a meeting.....I mean I will pray about it for sure. I live in a rural, lake community and when my ex attended AA sometimes the group would have open meetings and I attended a few of those and the entire time I was listening to the speakers tell their "story" I wanted to jump up and scream "what about our(those of us dealing) story, you freak!!!" Not only that but the AA and Al-anon meetings run concurrent and are next door to each other. This may sound normal and maybe it is but my ex had an affair with another Alcoholic that attended regularly...Long story short, if I see that woman I might go off. My ex told me that the woman has moved out of the area but hey, he's such a liar who knows if she really did. I can just see the scenario now, woman arrested at Al-anon for assault. I don't want you guys to think I condone physical aggression, because I DON'T! Thanks for the insight.

JT

Yup...been there!

JT

Magichappens

I had to get to a point where I would have stood in the middle of the street naked if I thought it would help. I had nothing to lose by trying Al-Anon. What I found was not that I had to face a bad person (me) and relive horrors. I found healing and gentleness. I found people who understood and who had something that I wanted. I found that I was worthy of love and loving. It was a place that I was safe to let down my "everything's fine" face.

Yes, it has been some work to gain recovery. But there are no time limits, no demands. Only encouragement and help.

One of the slogans is "Take what you like and leave the rest." Going in with that attitude, what do you have to lose? Hugs, Magic