Did you go back to work as a safety?
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Did you go back to work as a safety?
I wanted to ask if those of you who are living with what I would call high functioning addict, or early stage of addiction - did you choose to go back to work even if you currently dont need the income?
I used to work, went to college and had a specialized career. I quit working when we were trying to get pregnant because Id had two moscarriages and the doctor felt stress was a factor. now my daughter is only 3 and I enjoy being a stay at home mom but Ive also lost myself a little and have concern over my husbands future due to his addiction.
Im torn on going back to school, working on updating my credentials, taking a different kind of job which would pay less, part time work. Or wait and see how things go with my husband as I do believe in recovery.
Thought Id get a feel for what others have done or regret not doing.
I used to work, went to college and had a specialized career. I quit working when we were trying to get pregnant because Id had two moscarriages and the doctor felt stress was a factor. now my daughter is only 3 and I enjoy being a stay at home mom but Ive also lost myself a little and have concern over my husbands future due to his addiction.
Im torn on going back to school, working on updating my credentials, taking a different kind of job which would pay less, part time work. Or wait and see how things go with my husband as I do believe in recovery.
Thought Id get a feel for what others have done or regret not doing.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Regardless of what happens with your husband and his recovery, I think going back to school, or getting a part-time job, or whatever, is a great idea!
If nothing else, you would be doing something for yourself, which is important, especially when you have a little one at home (not to mention the AH)
I never really had an option to not work, but I am extremely thankful to have the job that I do.
I think having a job to come to, and having to get my **** together every morning to come to work and be at least halfway presentable and professional, really was helpful for me throughout all the BS with AH.
It was difficult to focus and to be productive at work throughout the hardest times with AH, but I had to, so I just sort of had to force myself at times, but I'm glad I had something outside of my home that I had to do...
if that makes sense
If nothing else, you would be doing something for yourself, which is important, especially when you have a little one at home (not to mention the AH)
I never really had an option to not work, but I am extremely thankful to have the job that I do.
I think having a job to come to, and having to get my **** together every morning to come to work and be at least halfway presentable and professional, really was helpful for me throughout all the BS with AH.
It was difficult to focus and to be productive at work throughout the hardest times with AH, but I had to, so I just sort of had to force myself at times, but I'm glad I had something outside of my home that I had to do...
if that makes sense
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Thank you. Yes it does make sense. I enjoyed working. Of course I had bad days but looking back it felt positive for me. I think Im a little insecure also. Im trying to begin making positive changes for myself, unrelated to him but with a cautious eye to what I might need in the future. Thank you for your share.
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I left the workforce for a year after having my son. I had a pretty stressful job, and I knew when I got pregnant that it just wasn't sustainable. But frankly after a year of SAHM, I kind of went bonkers and I was so glad to go back to the swing of things. I applied for a full-time job and I negotiated it down to part-time.
This job really became a godsend when my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition. He was trying to up his life insurance after he got a major increase in salary and was undergoing a physical to do just that. So now, we can't increase his life insurance, and his current premiums are obnoxious, even though he's has the condition under control for now. We now spend on his, save on mine because if something happens to him...
So in regards to your situation, if you don't have a current life insurance policy that covers the loss of your husband's income if something happens to him, I would be more likely to get a job than not. Because if your husband is still using and tries to get a policy now, his rates will be significantly higher if he's not declined altogether. And even if his employer offers group life insurance, it may not be enough for you.
What would you lose if you went back to school and updated your credentials? To me, you'd just be one step closer to giving yourself more choices in what you want to do in life, regardless of what goes on with your husband. And if you want to take a different job and try it out, why not? Just because you try it doesn't mean you've entered into a lifetime contract.
This job really became a godsend when my husband was diagnosed with a heart condition. He was trying to up his life insurance after he got a major increase in salary and was undergoing a physical to do just that. So now, we can't increase his life insurance, and his current premiums are obnoxious, even though he's has the condition under control for now. We now spend on his, save on mine because if something happens to him...
So in regards to your situation, if you don't have a current life insurance policy that covers the loss of your husband's income if something happens to him, I would be more likely to get a job than not. Because if your husband is still using and tries to get a policy now, his rates will be significantly higher if he's not declined altogether. And even if his employer offers group life insurance, it may not be enough for you.
What would you lose if you went back to school and updated your credentials? To me, you'd just be one step closer to giving yourself more choices in what you want to do in life, regardless of what goes on with your husband. And if you want to take a different job and try it out, why not? Just because you try it doesn't mean you've entered into a lifetime contract.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I went back to work part time this year. I had spent 5 yrs at home and doing informal day care. Going back to work provided me the opportunity to do something I enjoyed away from the kids and AH. Because I am on the road a lot doing case management stuff it also gives me some me time during an actual lunch break and for me to sort my thoughts. I returned to work where I had been for 13 yrs before kids so I still had people there who I considered friends and care about me. Today I shared the recent events with my AH with my supervisor and she was wonderful! She has even been referring me to dampen FT jobs in the area, which now I need since AH and I are separated.
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Was it hard to re-enter? I know it will be hard leaving my daughter and Id thought Id wait util she started school,but I keep feeling I need it for me because I guess Im a little bonkers too with so much baby talk over these years.
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I think EVERY woman should have a means of independently supporting herself financially. Spouses die, they become ill (whether from alcoholism/addiction or other causes), marriages fall apart. None of us knows what the future may hold.
I've always loved working and felt at loose ends when I wasn't, but even if I had chosen to be a SAHM, I had a profession I could have stepped back into at any time if the need had arisen.
It's much easier to explore your options now than to feel pressured because a crisis has hit.
I've always loved working and felt at loose ends when I wasn't, but even if I had chosen to be a SAHM, I had a profession I could have stepped back into at any time if the need had arisen.
It's much easier to explore your options now than to feel pressured because a crisis has hit.
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I went to grad school full-time after my son was a year old, which was INSANE. I was one of the only moms in my class, which didn't help matters, but I was extremely fortunate to have a child-care arrangement that worked. And despite the mommy brain, it was such a joy to feel the rusty gears in my head start turning once again. And one of my proudest accomplishments was when I stayed up all night because my kid was throwing up, and I still managed to submit my work to my study group, while the others couldn't do it because of this that or the other (admittedly, they felt really sheepish after that). And the friends I made there are still as good as gold.
Have you thought about conducting informational interviews? I found that people are more than happy to talk about themselves, even if you approach them cold (just as long as you don't blatantly hustle for a job). So as you weigh in on school vs. different job, you might find it valuable to have the stories of others.
Have you thought about conducting informational interviews? I found that people are more than happy to talk about themselves, even if you approach them cold (just as long as you don't blatantly hustle for a job). So as you weigh in on school vs. different job, you might find it valuable to have the stories of others.
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Forgot to add: because my degree was of a professional nature, it made it much easier for me to get into job search mode again, because EVERYBODY in my class was hustling for a job or internship. If you're looking into a several schools, find out from career services which companies/orgs recruit at each one on a regular basis. It's great if there's a pipeline already established.
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I think EVERY woman should have a means of independently supporting herself financially. Spouses die, they become ill (whether from alcoholism/addiction or other causes), marriages fall apart. None of us knows what the future may hold.
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As a "safety" LOL. How about as a requisite? It amazes me today how many women don't protect themselves and think their cozy little hubbies will be there to always take care of them. Those days are as gone as the factory jobs of the 60/70's that allowed you to retire after 30 years and live comfortably.
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Everyone, Thanks for the encouragement.
Life Insurance is a good one to consider too. We have some from 2 sources right now but money well we all know how it can be gobbled up quickly especially with kids.
I enjoyed working, but I cant step right back into what I was doing. It was fairly intense prof work and to be honest Im not up for it. I could stay in the same field but look for less stress but I will need to do some work to get up to date.
Its hard because being at home and raising kids is one of the most important jobs I think. And its why I really keep thinking start slow part time either work or school.
Its meeting those personal challenges that help make people stronger. Studying and exams, pushing myself.
And none of its his fault either. Maybe its normal to question these things after being off work a while. But like was said, we never know what the future holds. I see myself working and feeling good about it. Visualization ?
Life Insurance is a good one to consider too. We have some from 2 sources right now but money well we all know how it can be gobbled up quickly especially with kids.
I enjoyed working, but I cant step right back into what I was doing. It was fairly intense prof work and to be honest Im not up for it. I could stay in the same field but look for less stress but I will need to do some work to get up to date.
Its hard because being at home and raising kids is one of the most important jobs I think. And its why I really keep thinking start slow part time either work or school.
Its meeting those personal challenges that help make people stronger. Studying and exams, pushing myself.
And none of its his fault either. Maybe its normal to question these things after being off work a while. But like was said, we never know what the future holds. I see myself working and feeling good about it. Visualization ?
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Yes! EVERY woman should have a means of being able to support herself if need be.
I also was a stay at home mom for the first 3 years after my son was born. As much as I loved being able to be home with him, I was going a little bananas. I was able to secure a job 2 days, 24 hours a week when I rejoined the workforce. That was perfect. When I realized that my marriage was not going to work for me any longer I knew it was time to step up my game. I got my RealEstate license and never looked back with the knowledge of knowing when it was time for me to go my son and I were going to be financially fine. A little preplanning that worked out fine.
Take care of you...
I also was a stay at home mom for the first 3 years after my son was born. As much as I loved being able to be home with him, I was going a little bananas. I was able to secure a job 2 days, 24 hours a week when I rejoined the workforce. That was perfect. When I realized that my marriage was not going to work for me any longer I knew it was time to step up my game. I got my RealEstate license and never looked back with the knowledge of knowing when it was time for me to go my son and I were going to be financially fine. A little preplanning that worked out fine.
Take care of you...
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I think EVERY woman should have a means of independently supporting herself financially.
When my marriage ended my job kept me sane. It occupied my mind and my friends at work were very supportive. Although I was crying pretty much every moment I was not working - like someone else said, I dried my tears and got my act together in order to do my job. It was good for me.
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There is a big difference between being able to work and support yourself but choosing to be a SAHM for a little while to spend time with your kids and help raise the family and being a SAHM because you can't find a suitable job or career. Why not reskill and get up to date first and then see how you feel about working after? By then, after some refresher study you will probably have a better idea about whether or not you want to jump back into it or whether there is a particular niche that holds your interest.
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I have always worked, other than the 1 year I took off for tech school to earn a medical transcription certificate from 2003 to 2004. Unfortunately, that job pretty much went away after 8 or 9 years, and I found myself looking again. Eventually I took a job that I really enjoyed but that had no benefits whatsoever, figuring I could use AH's benefits from his job.
I continued to look for another job during this time, believing that eventually I'd need my own health insurance, etc., as things had been on a downward trend w/AH for a long time. AH and I legally separated last March--the reason for separation rather than divorce was that I could remain on his health insurance during a separation, which he was cooperative enough to allow me to do.
I finally found another job w/decent pay and good benefits. Literally a week after I'd accepted the job, XAH revealed that he had never accumulated any amount of sobriety over the past years of going to meetings and pretending to be in recovery. The separation was converted to a divorce, and I was so incredibly grateful I had found that job.
Had I not been looking for another job, had I not heard enough folks here and at Alanon say "Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it WILL get worse and not necessarily in a linear, predictable fashion", I would have continued to wait and hope on his sobriety and then been caught flat-footed, w/no options, when the truth came out.
You'll also see it said here that "Hope is not a plan." Those are some words to live by, my friend. CYA. You won't be sorry.
I continued to look for another job during this time, believing that eventually I'd need my own health insurance, etc., as things had been on a downward trend w/AH for a long time. AH and I legally separated last March--the reason for separation rather than divorce was that I could remain on his health insurance during a separation, which he was cooperative enough to allow me to do.
I finally found another job w/decent pay and good benefits. Literally a week after I'd accepted the job, XAH revealed that he had never accumulated any amount of sobriety over the past years of going to meetings and pretending to be in recovery. The separation was converted to a divorce, and I was so incredibly grateful I had found that job.
Had I not been looking for another job, had I not heard enough folks here and at Alanon say "Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it WILL get worse and not necessarily in a linear, predictable fashion", I would have continued to wait and hope on his sobriety and then been caught flat-footed, w/no options, when the truth came out.
You'll also see it said here that "Hope is not a plan." Those are some words to live by, my friend. CYA. You won't be sorry.
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I was a stay-at-home mom for about 14 years. I have had part-time jobs for the last 5 years or so. My husband has a high paying career, so financially, I have never HAD to work, but if I were to do over again, I would have gone to school for a "profession" and I would have kept my hand in that profession even when my four children were babies. I am grateful that I was able to be home for them when they were little and my husband's job, especially when they were little, was very time/travel intensive, so me staying home, made sense, but I realize how much of my self esteem and self confidence trickled away over the years, and I started feeling really resentful being the support person of everyone else's lives and successes. Which in retrospect, was unfair to them. They didn't make my choices. I did. Keep in mind, my husband is not my alcoholic qualifier (my mom is) and we have a good marriage, so I will tell you, as I will advise my daughter, keep your hand in something, just for you, even when you start a family. It is good for your psyche all the way around, which ultimately, is the best thing not just for you, but also for your family.
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Join Date: May 2010
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This.
There are so many women on this forum who don't have the choice to leave a toxic marriage b/c they have no means to support themselves. Even if he is in recovery, it's just a good idea to be able to have the finances you need. I have always said, when dealing with an addict of any kind, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Many hugs.
There are so many women on this forum who don't have the choice to leave a toxic marriage b/c they have no means to support themselves. Even if he is in recovery, it's just a good idea to be able to have the finances you need. I have always said, when dealing with an addict of any kind, prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
Many hugs.
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think EVERY woman should have a means of independently supporting herself financially. Spouses die, they become ill (whether from alcoholism/addiction or other causes), marriages fall apart. None of us knows what the future may hold.
I've always loved working and felt at loose ends when I wasn't, but even if I had chosen to be a SAHM, I had a profession I could have stepped back into at any time if the need had arisen.
It's much easier to explore your options now than to feel pressured because a crisis has hit.
I've always loved working and felt at loose ends when I wasn't, but even if I had chosen to be a SAHM, I had a profession I could have stepped back into at any time if the need had arisen.
It's much easier to explore your options now than to feel pressured because a crisis has hit.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i've always worked - ok, in my younger don't-quite-have-my-shitogether years i was sometimes IN BETWEEN jobs, but it never entered my mind to NOT work and thus be fully financially dependent upon a husband/boyfriend/roommate, etc. in fact it was inconceivable to me to give up that control over my own life, my own decisions.
my daughter survived early daycare just fine, and then onto montessori daycare, so she was stimulated and advanced in her learning by the time she hit grade school, skipping first grade. i doubt i could have prepared her nearly as well myself.
my daughter survived early daycare just fine, and then onto montessori daycare, so she was stimulated and advanced in her learning by the time she hit grade school, skipping first grade. i doubt i could have prepared her nearly as well myself.
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I enjoy working-took a while to get my crap together and truly be happy at work-I struggled for a long time to find what I wanted to do and bounced between jobs-a lot of stress put on my husband at the time. But then he would tell me not to work bc he wabted to be the man and ishiuld be the mom, so I struggled a lot due to me and a lot due to my then husband. I wanted to stay at home with my kids-badly-but when I saw him cross the line after our first was born I knew it would not be a good decision for me to not work. I couldn't depend on an addict and someone that was becoming increasingly drunk, disturbing, etc. I wanted to also give my kids a good strong female role model-I'm able, I'm smart-if you're able, you should work!! (Just my two cents). I second what hopeful said-when dealing with an addict you MUST prepare for the worst but always hope and pray for the best-but you can't live your life based on that hope. You must live in reality-and reality is it would not be a bad decision for you to start dusting off your resume, taking classes, networking, etc. Much easier to find work now rather than after or during a crisis. Just take care of yourself, ok?!
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