High-Functioning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
High-Functioning
I feel really frustrated and lost and would like some experience, strength, and hope.
My father's drinking bothers me. I come to visit him and a bottle of vodka or scotch sits at his ankle. He drinks from a small glass that has been watered down with ice.
He has his full-time job. He has his marriage that's lasted almost 50 years. His family seems intact...so to speak (many rifts including my indefinite estrangement from 3 siblings amongst 7). His health hasn't reached a horrible point - had a mini-stroke a couple years ago. But he's also close to 70. I think he has high blood pressure and takes medication for it. He is highly respected at his work as a regional manager. He has had zero DUIs. I have never found him drunk and passed out on the floor (not even as I grew up in the house). I doubt I've ever seen him throw up. I have no idea how much he drinks, just that it's every single day. At least one shot worth of scotch...maybe more?
So, what is it that the alcoholism has done?
Why am I feeling so low with my relationship with him? And with so many siblings in my life?
Why does he look nothing like the stereotypical alcoholic.
And yet, when I attend AL-Anon meetings, or speak with others with loved ones suffering, I feel an intense resonance with their feelings and mine. Why would my feelings be similar when they speak of loved ones experiencing DUIs, jail-time, cirrhosis, divorce, job-loss and my father has escaped so many of those consequences? As such, it's hard to argue that anything is wrong at all.
Is the commonality simply how I feel about the drinking? How disconnected I feel with my father?
Can others share their experiences with a high functioning alcoholic?
My father's drinking bothers me. I come to visit him and a bottle of vodka or scotch sits at his ankle. He drinks from a small glass that has been watered down with ice.
He has his full-time job. He has his marriage that's lasted almost 50 years. His family seems intact...so to speak (many rifts including my indefinite estrangement from 3 siblings amongst 7). His health hasn't reached a horrible point - had a mini-stroke a couple years ago. But he's also close to 70. I think he has high blood pressure and takes medication for it. He is highly respected at his work as a regional manager. He has had zero DUIs. I have never found him drunk and passed out on the floor (not even as I grew up in the house). I doubt I've ever seen him throw up. I have no idea how much he drinks, just that it's every single day. At least one shot worth of scotch...maybe more?
So, what is it that the alcoholism has done?
Why am I feeling so low with my relationship with him? And with so many siblings in my life?
Why does he look nothing like the stereotypical alcoholic.
And yet, when I attend AL-Anon meetings, or speak with others with loved ones suffering, I feel an intense resonance with their feelings and mine. Why would my feelings be similar when they speak of loved ones experiencing DUIs, jail-time, cirrhosis, divorce, job-loss and my father has escaped so many of those consequences? As such, it's hard to argue that anything is wrong at all.
Is the commonality simply how I feel about the drinking? How disconnected I feel with my father?
Can others share their experiences with a high functioning alcoholic?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I think you summed up nicely why Al-Anon is for us as the loved one of a problem drinker.
For a long time I thought my HFA could not have a problem because he really struggled only with binge drinking.....and no one else thought he had a problem. I discounted his disease because of what he was NOT. Not homeless, jobless, impactful of health, yet.
I did a lot of behaviors though that loved ones do, and I certainly felt similar.
I walked on eggshells....just like another Al-Anon member who had a loved one that was a daily drinker.
I made myself nuts trying to make the environment perfect so he would not drink though it was only occasionally that it was a problem.
The similarities and support I get from Al-Anon has little to do with my loved ones that struggle and has to do with the similarity of my reactions/feelings to their drinking.
For a long time I thought my HFA could not have a problem because he really struggled only with binge drinking.....and no one else thought he had a problem. I discounted his disease because of what he was NOT. Not homeless, jobless, impactful of health, yet.
I did a lot of behaviors though that loved ones do, and I certainly felt similar.
I walked on eggshells....just like another Al-Anon member who had a loved one that was a daily drinker.
I made myself nuts trying to make the environment perfect so he would not drink though it was only occasionally that it was a problem.
The similarities and support I get from Al-Anon has little to do with my loved ones that struggle and has to do with the similarity of my reactions/feelings to their drinking.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Whether you'll benefit from Al-Anon has little to do with the drinker--whether s/he is an alcoholic, or what alcohol has done to him/her--but a lot to do with what it's done to YOU. And if it's not the drinking that troubles you, but other issues that have impacted your relationship, then that, too, can cause you to identify with others who have similar relationships with alcoholics and addicts.
All I can say is if Al-Anon is helping you, stick with it.
All I can say is if Al-Anon is helping you, stick with it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I could describe my father in just about exactly the same way as you did yours...
Drinks every single day, but has always had a job, provided for us, not abusive, no legal troubles... Just drinks. Every single day of my life with extremely rare exception.
Since I was a teenager, I've found him to be difficult to be around after he's had a few... he's embarrassing, and he says things without thinking that are hurtful, though I don't think he means them to be hurtful, he just loses his tact when he drinks...
but not until I experienced my AH's alcoholism did my father's drinking really start to bother me in a different way, and I really started looking at it differently...
I don't have much else to add, just that I think I understand that feeling of "disconnection"... and it's hard to deal with.
And I echo what was stated above.. Keep going to Al-anon if you find comfort there.
Kboys
Drinks every single day, but has always had a job, provided for us, not abusive, no legal troubles... Just drinks. Every single day of my life with extremely rare exception.
Since I was a teenager, I've found him to be difficult to be around after he's had a few... he's embarrassing, and he says things without thinking that are hurtful, though I don't think he means them to be hurtful, he just loses his tact when he drinks...
but not until I experienced my AH's alcoholism did my father's drinking really start to bother me in a different way, and I really started looking at it differently...
I don't have much else to add, just that I think I understand that feeling of "disconnection"... and it's hard to deal with.
And I echo what was stated above.. Keep going to Al-anon if you find comfort there.
Kboys
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Just wabted to echo what all have said here and say that "high functioning" is only a phase...my ex fatger in law was high functioning too for a decade or two-had great jobs, provided but was abusive as hell. Then everything started falling apart-his marriage, kids, jobs and then finally liver failure and death from all his organs shutting down due to so many years of alcohol abuse. Progression.
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I did not come from an alcoholic family of origin. My parents didn't have much more than a biweekly quart of beer in the house for years - I have to say in all truthfulness that I never saw my dad or mother drunk. Which I have to tell you led me to puzzle about why all my bfs/husbands have had alcohol issues. However, upon reflection, the behaviors that my mom displayed towards her children as we were growing up - emotional distance interspersed with random moments of generosity and warmth - the "fun" mom, her depressed moods, her critical spirit and at times scorn, "the seen but not heard" school of child-rearing, the dismissal of our feelings if they made her uncomfortable, not much difference between that and an alcoholic parent, is there? So my take on it is if your dad is/was emotionally unavailable or withholding or overly critical or distant, you could very well "resonate" with the experiences of ACOA. Just my two cents.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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My mom's alcoholism only became obvious when she was in her late fifties and I was already grown. She and my father drink every single day since I can remember and like your dad, they have never had legal trouble or financial trouble related to drinking. When I was in my twenties I went to therapy and my therapist felt that my parents suffered from various personality disorders that created a very dysfunctional family life. I now believe my mom's full blown alcoholism has manifested from her self medication of her personality disorders. I think many alcoholics suffer from other issues and choose to self medicate.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt 
I am not sure that anything you have said points to the fact that he is an alcoholic. The fact that he drinks each day does not mean that he is an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Yes, the amount a person drinks and/or the frequency isn't relevant. It's how the alcohol effects the person's behavior.
I, myself am a high-functioning alcoholic. I could go days, weeks, months without drinking. But when I did, boy...I could easily lose control. I was a binge drinker. I don't trust myself with alcohol. I'm NOT myself with alcohol.
I, myself am a high-functioning alcoholic. I could go days, weeks, months without drinking. But when I did, boy...I could easily lose control. I was a binge drinker. I don't trust myself with alcohol. I'm NOT myself with alcohol.
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Originally Posted by thotful
But when I did, boy...I could easily lose control. I was a binge drinker. I don't trust myself with alcohol. I'm NOT myself with alcohol.
How do you feel about having a loved one with an alcohol problem in your life? I bet that statement would be similar in content and feeling to what many of us that love a problem drinker can be in touch with.
For me that is what Al-Anon is all about. Sharing for me seems to divide up the challenges I am experiencing in life into doable, bite-sized pieces.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Originally Posted by thotful
Yes, the amount a person drinks and/or the frequency isn't relevant. It's how the alcohol effects the person's behavior. I, myself am a high-functioning alcoholic. I could go days, weeks, months without drinking. But when I did, boy...I could easily lose control. I was a binge drinker. I don't trust myself with alcohol. I'm NOT myself with alcohol.
I guess what I am saying is that the space between you may or may not be attributable to alcohol. And if you have a problem controlling alcohol but he doesn't shouldn't he be in the in alanon? I am not suggesting this, just trying to point to a different perspective. Take care,
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No, his behavior was definitely altered. He just didn't get DUIs, vomit, etc. He took out his anger on us kids. He was physically abusive at times, but not to the extreme. For example, he was known to grab us by the hair, poke us in the ribs at the dinner table, or pinch us, or wrestle with us - lots of physical aggression. I was scared of him as a kid. One brother made a suggestion that I carried out - when I was big enough (in high school), I got tired of his poking/prodding and physical aggression, so I grabbed him and gave him a strong bear hug and said, "leave me the f*** alone." I think his behavior stopped after that, but the verbal stuff didn't really change. I rarely heard him give praise. We didn't communicate much at all, really all throughout my childhood. not about girls, not about "guy" stuff, not about work, a career, ya know the father-son discussions. I got most of it from my older siblings and my Mom.
And yes, I will argue that his drinking was at the heart of his behavior. I was a little kid and not suffering from drinking heavily yet. So, the relationship as it was when I was a kid - that's on him.
For right now, I am the one making the effort and he continues to be distant. It is the same. I don't expect much change from him - if I do, it will drive me crazy. I accept the emptiness of the relationship as it is.
I may someday talk with him more extensively (I expressed concern for his drinking in relation to his mini-stroke and told him I thought he suffered from alcoholism - he had no response, so I left it at that) - but, my intention would need to be about speaking my truth and not about trying to change him. It's challenging to figure out how to go through that while also respecting his right to live his life the way he wants to.
And yes, I will argue that his drinking was at the heart of his behavior. I was a little kid and not suffering from drinking heavily yet. So, the relationship as it was when I was a kid - that's on him.
For right now, I am the one making the effort and he continues to be distant. It is the same. I don't expect much change from him - if I do, it will drive me crazy. I accept the emptiness of the relationship as it is.
I may someday talk with him more extensively (I expressed concern for his drinking in relation to his mini-stroke and told him I thought he suffered from alcoholism - he had no response, so I left it at that) - but, my intention would need to be about speaking my truth and not about trying to change him. It's challenging to figure out how to go through that while also respecting his right to live his life the way he wants to.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by thotful
Why does he look nothing like the stereotypical alcoholic.
And yet, when I attend AL-Anon meetings, or speak with others with loved ones suffering, I feel an intense resonance with their feelings and mine. Why would my feelings be similar when they speak of loved ones experiencing DUIs, jail-time, cirrhosis, divorce, job-loss and my father has escaped so many of those consequences? As such, it's hard to argue that anything is wrong at all.
Check out the sticky in the Alcoholism forum: Excerpts from the book "Under the Influence." Maybe this will be helpful for you. The book argues that early-stage alcoholics present very differently than late-stage ones. Early-stage alcoholics may not show any overt signs of disease. When most of us think of what an alcoholic looks like, we tend to think only of late-stage alcoholics. The media also presents it this way.
Just because your father doesn't look like a late-stage alcoholic, doesn't mean that alcohol won't significantly impact his life and relationships.
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Hi Thotful,
I gained a lot of peace when I worked on a family tree of alcoholism and dysfunction. I started to see I was expecting too much of my parents considering what examples they had to go on. My parents are 66. I fit very well into the ACOA Laundry List and my parents are not addicts. My parents were both raised to be heavy hitting codependents/enablers, so what else could they pass on?
The best thing you can do IMO, Thotful, is don't be your dad when you raise your own child. Use your recovery every day to be different with her. That's the best place to invest your time and energy - going forward for the good of the next generation.
Peace!
I gained a lot of peace when I worked on a family tree of alcoholism and dysfunction. I started to see I was expecting too much of my parents considering what examples they had to go on. My parents are 66. I fit very well into the ACOA Laundry List and my parents are not addicts. My parents were both raised to be heavy hitting codependents/enablers, so what else could they pass on?
The best thing you can do IMO, Thotful, is don't be your dad when you raise your own child. Use your recovery every day to be different with her. That's the best place to invest your time and energy - going forward for the good of the next generation.
Peace!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I've always heard" "relate to the speaker's feelings, not the facts". It's how it affects US, not the details of someone else's story. Congrats on Alanon....sounds like you're getting a lot out of it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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CodeJob-I too did a family tree of alcoholism and dysfunction/codependency and abuse/molestation in my family and my exs. Good God. I mean-good God. Expecting normal and healthy cannot be attained. I put up boundaries based on the reality of both of our family trees-riddled with abuse, alcoholism and enabling. However, all I can control is ME and I know I will not continue any of those and will raise my children in a healthy home. That's all I can do-I refuse to pass on the negative family sins-and that is where I invest my energy each and every day-to my children.
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