Still in denial, still drinking. But realise I have a problem. Is it work it to try something?...
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Still in denial, still drinking. But realise I have a problem. Is it work it to try something?...
So I know I'm still in denial, or at least most of me is. Obviously the fact that I'm posting here means that I realise I have a problem however I'm honestly not ready to stop. I could post a terribly long post and I have the habit of being terribly verbose which I'm going to try to fight and just give you guys the cliff notes. So here they are:
-33 yrs old struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life
-finally moved out of my parents home a year ago
-parents financially and emotionally continue to enable me a LOT though they love me
-struggled my entire life with socialising. Never have had any long term friends. Have NEVER had a relationship / girlfriend.
-terribly lonely
-going to group therapy and am on SSRIs, been on them and off them over the years.
-working full time as an assistant manager at a local retail store.
I feel like a 30+ year old man child to tell you the truth. There are aspects of the truth in that statement as you can see from the above. However if I'm to be completely honest with myself I'm also being too harsh on myself in saying that, I've made progress over the years and if you were to meet me I think you would see that despite all my issues I try not to act spoiled, or entitled, try to be very compassionate and kind. I am however terribly dissatisfied with life in many ways. I had a lot of academic potential in my early years which I squandered due to depression and anxiety. I've been working retail jobs the past 10 years or so off and on. Right now I'm the assistant manager of a video game store.
In truth I'm also quite happy right now too. Having moved out of my parents house and now making my own money I feel a sense of independence and confidence I have never felt before in my life. But that deep sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction with life I mention above is like a dark ever present pit, like acid that constantly eats at me.
On my days off all I seem to do now is drink. It used to be one bottle of wine a week. Now it's 3 or 4 binge drank like water. I try not to drink on my work days. The other week I drank till I threw up in bed and passed out which gave me a scare. I have done that before countless times actually but not usually throwing up in bed. Since then I've stopped drinking the fortified wine and gone to regular wine. But I'm drinking about as much or more as before.
So yes I know I have a problem. But like I said I'm still in denial. I don't actually want to stop. I'm happy in some aspects of my life still. It sadly hasn't taken a big toll on me yet. Possibly because I keep fit otherwise. I feel ashamed to say it but I probably have to have something happen to me :-(
My question is, and sorry for taking so long to get to the point. Having read everything that you have here do you feel there would be any benefit in me attending a meeting of some type? I'm very secular so AA doesn't really appeal to me. Or is that pointless till I know I am going to try to stop?
-33 yrs old struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life
-finally moved out of my parents home a year ago
-parents financially and emotionally continue to enable me a LOT though they love me
-struggled my entire life with socialising. Never have had any long term friends. Have NEVER had a relationship / girlfriend.
-terribly lonely
-going to group therapy and am on SSRIs, been on them and off them over the years.
-working full time as an assistant manager at a local retail store.
I feel like a 30+ year old man child to tell you the truth. There are aspects of the truth in that statement as you can see from the above. However if I'm to be completely honest with myself I'm also being too harsh on myself in saying that, I've made progress over the years and if you were to meet me I think you would see that despite all my issues I try not to act spoiled, or entitled, try to be very compassionate and kind. I am however terribly dissatisfied with life in many ways. I had a lot of academic potential in my early years which I squandered due to depression and anxiety. I've been working retail jobs the past 10 years or so off and on. Right now I'm the assistant manager of a video game store.
In truth I'm also quite happy right now too. Having moved out of my parents house and now making my own money I feel a sense of independence and confidence I have never felt before in my life. But that deep sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction with life I mention above is like a dark ever present pit, like acid that constantly eats at me.
On my days off all I seem to do now is drink. It used to be one bottle of wine a week. Now it's 3 or 4 binge drank like water. I try not to drink on my work days. The other week I drank till I threw up in bed and passed out which gave me a scare. I have done that before countless times actually but not usually throwing up in bed. Since then I've stopped drinking the fortified wine and gone to regular wine. But I'm drinking about as much or more as before.
So yes I know I have a problem. But like I said I'm still in denial. I don't actually want to stop. I'm happy in some aspects of my life still. It sadly hasn't taken a big toll on me yet. Possibly because I keep fit otherwise. I feel ashamed to say it but I probably have to have something happen to me :-(
My question is, and sorry for taking so long to get to the point. Having read everything that you have here do you feel there would be any benefit in me attending a meeting of some type? I'm very secular so AA doesn't really appeal to me. Or is that pointless till I know I am going to try to stop?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Smilax 
Having read everything that you have here do you feel there would be any benefit in me attending a meeting of some type? I'm very secular so AA doesn't really appeal to me. Or is that pointless till I know I am going to try to stop?
It's not for me to talk you into quitting. I suggest you read around the site and see what resonates. There are many stories about the success of sobriety, but you aren't ready for those posts. And there are thousands of posts about the constant nightmare of alcoholism. Read those. They are a peek down the road for you.
Then, perhaps, you will be more motivated to quit.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
I do hope you decide to stop drinking. I'm not an AA person so don't use meetings, but I know there is lots of support and information here at SR. I hope you can arrive at a point where you want to be the best person you can be and are willing to stop drinking in order to make that happen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I hope you will quit for good.
Having something "happen to you" is not what you want, trust me.
Life is much better without alcohol. You don't need a girlfriend to have a full life, but you do need to do things that are good for you in order to pull out of the depression.
Having something "happen to you" is not what you want, trust me.
Life is much better without alcohol. You don't need a girlfriend to have a full life, but you do need to do things that are good for you in order to pull out of the depression.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
I too hope you quit for good, for me it took a few trips to detox then one morning when I could not hold a pen in my hand (returned from a business trip) I finally admitted I was an alcoholic and was powerless over it. I have relapsed many times since then (1998) simply because I never got the professional help I needed, became over confident and did not really have a plan because no one ever suggested it until a 28 day program 3 years ago. I even relapsed after that twice because I didn't follow what I knew had to be done to stay sober.
Wishing you the best
Andrew
Wishing you the best
Andrew
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 166
Dear S, if you are on the fence about if you are or are not then just try to stop for like 30 days. See what happens, can you do it? Do you feel better? In the end you have to decide but if you do, there is a lot of help quitting. This place for example. Best of luck. John
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Smilax
My question is, and sorry for taking so long to get to the point. Having read everything that you have here do you feel there would be any benefit in me attending a meeting of some type? I'm very secular so AA doesn't really appeal to me. Or is that pointless till I know I am going to try to stop?
"In truth I'm also quite happy right now"
and
"It sadly hasn't taken a big toll on me yet."
Yet you mention a multitude of very serious, late stage alcoholic tendencies. Throwing up on yourself in bed for example. Multiple times. Daily Binge drinking. Squandering talent and education. Doing nothing but drinking all day.
The bottom line though is that if you don't WANT to quit you most likely wont, or it will be very difficult. Do you really want to find out how bad things can really get? Just around the corner are things like Liver disease, invalidity, and even death if you ignore it long enough.
You can make the choice to seek help at any time, but it won't help if you don't find the motivation to use it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,777
Sounds like you do have problems with drinking, but if you're not ready to stop, you probably won't. 
Why wait until something awful happens to stop drinking. You never know what that might be, and by then, it might be too late.
Why wait until something awful happens to stop drinking. You never know what that might be, and by then, it might be too late. Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Bill Wilson the founder of AA was an agnostic when he started getting sober, regardless - you seem to want what we all did at first = drink but no consequences. If we didn't have progressively worse consequences I'd guess most of us would still be drinking.
Are you wanting someone to talk you into getting sober???? Meetings of any type that I'm aware of work on recovery for those who want to stop. There's plenty of candidates without trying to convince people they should quit.
SR is a great place that may provide information to those wondering if they have a problem or seeking answers. You might consider going to some open AA meetings - Contempt prior to investigation kept me lonely, miserable and drunk for a very long time.
Welcome, glad you're here with us
Are you wanting someone to talk you into getting sober???? Meetings of any type that I'm aware of work on recovery for those who want to stop. There's plenty of candidates without trying to convince people they should quit.
SR is a great place that may provide information to those wondering if they have a problem or seeking answers. You might consider going to some open AA meetings - Contempt prior to investigation kept me lonely, miserable and drunk for a very long time.
Welcome, glad you're here with us
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
You are welcome in AA regardless of what you do or don't believe.
There is no way of knowing if you will like it without even going a few times. You don't lose anything by trying it out.
There are things I don't like about AA but I go to meetings anyway because there are other things I do like about it. You can ignore any parts you don't like.
If you're lucky enough to live somewhere with other types of meetings by all means, go try them out too.
One thing to consider would be trying say two months without drinking just to see what it was like. Alcoholism is progressive and they say that 'bottom is where you quit digging'.
There is no way of knowing if you will like it without even going a few times. You don't lose anything by trying it out.
There are things I don't like about AA but I go to meetings anyway because there are other things I do like about it. You can ignore any parts you don't like.
If you're lucky enough to live somewhere with other types of meetings by all means, go try them out too.
One thing to consider would be trying say two months without drinking just to see what it was like. Alcoholism is progressive and they say that 'bottom is where you quit digging'.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
when i went to meetings when court ordered yet not ready to stop drinking and in denial about alcohol being a problem, it did 2 things:
gave me a place to go to get help when i was finally out of denial and wanted help.
screwed up my drinking. drinking was absolutely no more fun.
gave me a place to go to get help when i was finally out of denial and wanted help.
screwed up my drinking. drinking was absolutely no more fun.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 157
Thank you everyone for the replies! I am indeed seriously thinking of attending some kind of meeting, trying to get some help. In truth though as others pointed out I'm probably even more in denial than I realize. I type this very reply while drinking tonight. I will log off now and spare everyone from any potentially whiny pathetic posts I could make. This probably isn't a place for me if I am actively drinking. Like I said though I am indeed seriously thinking of talking to someone. I have already brought the topic up in my group meeting actually, but that's not exactly the place to get the best support, necessarily.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi there. I am spiritual, an Evangelical Christian in fact, but AA was not for me.
But I've learned how important it is to connect with people. This site has a Secular Connections forum. Check it out!
I'm 49 and far from a failure in life, yet... I don't have the maturity and wisdom I should have at my age. I learned through education that chronic substance use stunts our development. Part of the work of recovery is "growing up."
So don't be too hard on yourself if you feel a little stunted. That's normal, but that's not where you want to stay. You've made some strides toward increasing your maturity and it sounds like you like it so far. Keep that ball rolling!
Connect with a group that suits you, keep reaching out here, and start putting together a comprehensive game plan for how you're going to get off this miserable ride and reclaim the rest of your life!
But I've learned how important it is to connect with people. This site has a Secular Connections forum. Check it out!
I'm 49 and far from a failure in life, yet... I don't have the maturity and wisdom I should have at my age. I learned through education that chronic substance use stunts our development. Part of the work of recovery is "growing up."
So don't be too hard on yourself if you feel a little stunted. That's normal, but that's not where you want to stay. You've made some strides toward increasing your maturity and it sounds like you like it so far. Keep that ball rolling!
Connect with a group that suits you, keep reaching out here, and start putting together a comprehensive game plan for how you're going to get off this miserable ride and reclaim the rest of your life!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Smilax
In truth I'm also quite happy right now too. Having moved out of my parents house and now making my own money I feel a sense of independence and confidence I have never felt before in my life. But that deep sense of loneliness and dissatisfaction with life I mention above is like a dark ever present pit, like acid that constantly eats at me.
My question is, and sorry for taking so long to get to the point. Having read everything that you have here do you feel there would be any benefit in me attending a meeting of some type?
I'm very secular so AA doesn't really appeal to me. Or is that pointless till I know I am going to try to stop?
You will NOT hear any preaching at an AA meeting. It's a safe place to talk to others about what you honestly believe in. And absolutely noone can ever force you to go if you don't want to.
Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Originally Posted by jojo82
Independence and confidence does not happiness make.
Of course. You need to reach out and get out of your mind bro.
Since when is AA a sacred event?
You will NOT hear any preaching at an AA meeting. It's a safe place to talk to others about what you honestly believe in. And absolutely noone can ever force you to go if you don't want to.
Take care of yourself.
Of course. You need to reach out and get out of your mind bro.
Since when is AA a sacred event?
You will NOT hear any preaching at an AA meeting. It's a safe place to talk to others about what you honestly believe in. And absolutely noone can ever force you to go if you don't want to.
Take care of yourself.
How are you doing Smilax?
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