Serper2014

So I haven't posted here in a long time... Recently, there was a member that celebrated a sobriety anniversary. This was really meaningful to me. Some of you have years and years of sobriety, and I celebrate your anniversaries as much as anyone else, but there was something about this recent member's anniversary that really clicked with me. Him and I joined and started posting at around the same time. We often actually got into debates about methods of sobriety and moderation etc. I always felt that I "won" those debates, until I saw his post. See we both joined two years ago, and now he is sober and has been sober, and I am still not. I went back through my threads and I read EVERY SINGLE post and response that has ever been said to me (so thank you for these, and thanks to SR for hosting this information on a server so that I was able to look back and reread. In hindsight, I had been wrong in almost everything I said. Some of my ideas may have been true, if I was able to have controlled my drinking, which I didn't. At the time, the things I posted made sense to me, but this was all assuming that I would be able to control my drinking and I didn't do that! I got drunk 4 days ago, and threw away 9 days of being sober. I had and epiphany while getting drunk. Some of you may remember that I'm almost a doctor and by default I'm also a scientist. If I were to look at a data set or a patient profile from an outsider's perspective that had how long a patient had been drinking, how much they drank, how many times they tried to quit. I would be able to reasonably determine whether or not, from a clinical perspective, if they were a candidate for treatment of alcoholism. Lucky for me, I have this data available to me, about my own drinking. I've logged in a journal over the past 5 years these data. It's been 5 years and the most days sober I've been able to string together has been 12. At one point I was days shy of having drank excessively for 2 years straight. That is, without a single day off. The physical dependence at that point was so unbearable that I had to seek withdrawal treatment. Then I thought, oh well If I don't drink daily that wont happen again and I haven't drank daily in almost 2.5 years. I thought this was the key, but it's been 2.5 years and even in that time the most days I could string together was 12! With most attempts at sobriety ending on day 3 or 4. If I just look at these facts from an unbiased perspective, I CLEARLY am powerless over alcohol. Even though while reading the big book I keep thinking "that sounds just like me!" I still couldn't accept it. I would intellectualize and rationalize my drinking. I've WANTED to quit for years, but I suppose that I haven't been able to accept that I needed to--- and even in moments where I accepted that I needed to. I thought that if I really have to that I could. While it has "felt" that way, if I just look at the data from an unbiased perspective. I would NOT bet that someone with my drinking history would be able to quit. There is nothing in the data that would suggest that I would be able to go 90 days sober for example. Looking at my own drinking and pretending it was a close friend or family member, REALLY opened my eyes to how biased I am about my own drinking in a way that I wouldn't be if it were a friend or family member. I've tried probably most all recovery programs that you might be able to recommend to me. Is there anyone out there that just couldn't get past the two week mark? and then somehow you did? It's really tough because, I know I need to quit, I want to quit, I know what it feels like to be 10 days sober, I feel good. I'm eating well. I look better. I'm happier. Work is easier and more rewarding. There are innumerable improvements to my life while sober... and then in a split second decision I end up drinking again. It always seems so spur of the moment....all day drinking hasn't even entered my mind and then before I know it I'm drunk and wondering what the heck happened. Thanks for reading, I know it's long...

doggonecarl

Hope it leads to sobriety. You need it. Here's wishing you luck.

endlesspatience

Bottom line is that you have been sober for less than a week and you almost never make it to two weeks without a drink. The pattern repeats for you for years on end.

If you want to you can take the first action to stop it by posting here regularly. We can only help if you reach out and share with us.

Nearly everyone here who has a serious alcohol problem and yet stays sober for extended periods puts a plan together and draws on the support and experience of other people who've got sober.

You say you've tried most recovery programmes. What does trying mean for you?

Fly N Buy

I had a thinking problem, not a drinking problem .........

Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil till we let go absolutely..........


Engaging in the program and "trying it" are very separate actions. My will power alone simply did not work. When I drank regardless of intentions I got drunk - I should never drink. My brain tells me it's ok to have a drink however. I am powerless at that point and have an obsession of the mind. If I don' t drink, I'm fine - therefore the problem is centered in the brain.

Downloads & mp3's from silkworth.net

Thanks for the post - keep coming back!

Jsbodhi

Check out Dee's thread about making a plan!
2 weeks was the most I could get to as well for almost a year.
Xoxo

MidnightBlue

Hi, Serper.

There is no logic about drinking. It hijacks neural circuits and messes up with brain chemistry, leaving no chance to use the only part which allows to exercise willpower or whatever - neo-cortex.

Having a drink is like opening the gates of the city to the hostile army and hoping that this time you will make friends and have fun together even if though last time they razed the city to the ground.

Keep your gates closed, your own army alert and well trained. Do not start negotiating with the enemy (AV). You are protecting your life.

A plan is crucial in early sobriety. Knowing your triggers, dangers, weaknesses, being ready to withstand temptations and surf through urges.

Best wishes to you.

Anna

Serper, I hope that you can come up with a plan that will work for you. You know that alcoholism is progressive. You are about to begin your career, which could go up in smoke in a moment if you mess up due to alcoholsm.

Jsbodhi

Good analogy xoxo

Serper2014

I hope so too. Thanks for being blunt with me.

Serper2014

I guess you are right. I've tried programs meaning I've read the big book and done 12 step worksheets and read the white book of NA... I didn't the AVRT website and completed that "course" plus I'm constantly reading .... on here as well as other websites.... I guess I'm aware of all theses programs... much more so than actually executing them... Thanks for pointing out the difference.

Serper2014

Thanks so much for the link to the mp3s. I think reading his helpful but listening is another way to attack the problem. Sometimes hearing something has a more profound effect than reading it. I'll download these mp3s and listen to them on the way to work and while I workout etc. This should prove to be very useful to me. Thanks again.

biminiblue

I started in March of 2014. I haven't had a drink since I've been on this site.

It is so worth it.

Get off the pickets. All you have to do is not pick up a drink, no matter what happens.

I spend a lot of time here. I post, I don't just read. As you can see by my post count, that's been part of my sobriety, spending time posting to others...and reading here. Someone lets me know if my thinking gets off-track, and I'm grateful for that. Getting out of my own head is key. It's not always a safe place in there.

Sobriety is Action, not just thinking: especially not over-thinking. If I spend time trying to rationalize or explain, I know I'm thinking obsessively and that leads to anxiety. Go back and read that first post of yours in this thread.

tomsteve

staring at my broken car doesnt fix it.
reading how to fix it doesnt fix it.
getting into action, picking up the tools, and using them fixes it.

SoberinSyracuse

I have one of those big Ph.D. brains which can intellectualize a potato, rationalize puppy massacres, and manipulate data to support almost any conclusion I want. It's been my worst enemy in my previous attempts to get sober.

I had to get into some hot water with my first DWI to finally realize, "Hey, I might be smart...but I'm not winning." I cannot drink anymore, period. It has to stop.

Are you at that point? Ready to stick a fork in it, no matter what it takes? If not, I fear you'll continue to vacillate between short sober stints and periods of drunkenness. If you ARE ready to kill this beast, realize that for all your gifts, you don't yet have the skills. Get a plan together, and support resources, and tools to resist the urge to drink and take your life into the next awesome chapter.

This is a great time for you to stomp this, as you're embarking on what will be a very good career. Question is: Do you want a good career, or a fully optimized career? With all your talent, I want to see you go for the latter! If you kick this, the sky's the limit for you.

Good luck to you!!!

leviathan

I really believe there is a point of decision when we pick up after a sober spell. We may be in the habit of ignoring it (the decision) but its there.

The bottle has no mind. No personality. No plans. It's just a bottle with a chemical in it. Like bleach.

Learn to catch that decision when it happens. On one hand you have immediate gratification and quick pleasure. On the other, your wiser conclusion that none of this is worth the cost.

Like the awesome invading army analogy pointed out, all bets are off once you start polluting your mind.

chrcarlson

Serper2014 , you are 1/2 again too smart. You are trying too hard to use intelligence on a base emotional problem. Rational thought has little effect on alcohol-it simply ignores it. It whittles away your intellectual thought of quitting with niggling little whispers. I would go a few days or weeks and drink again because I felt better and "controlled" it for a time.

I haven't drank in almost 30 days this time because I fully realize my alcoholism and how my AV works. I also focus on One Day at a Time. Much easier not to drink for one day. You have done that many times. Stop yourself from think about tomorrow or next week. Walk up and promise yourself not to drink Just today. You know you can do this for one day!

Best wishes in Recovery.

chrcarlson

BTW- my pattern of "quitting" was similar to yours.

PurpleKnight

I couldn't get past a few hours in the evening after work at one point, and then it was getting past the weekend to have 7 days, but it didn't "click" it was made happen by doing everything in my power to make it happen.

There's a few of us now knocking around the 2yr mark here on SR, but we all started with Day 1, Hour 1, getting home from work that first Monday and not stopping off at the liquor store was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do in my life, but the more you do something, the more routine you build in the easier things will become, but new habits won't build themselves, we just gotta dig into the trenches and make it work.

I don't beleive anyone can't change, everyone within them can make it happen, no one is lost for ever, if the acceptance is there, which your post reflects in bucket loads, and you do everything in your power to not let alcohol pass your lips, it can be done.

If you sat in a room for 30 days and never went outside, would you be Sober? most of us probably would, the problem is when we have to make choices about when and where we are getting alcohol from, and if we can change our choices and get over those hurdles, it can be done!!

MIRecovery

One thing I know for sure is you aren't going to out think alcoholism. The solution lies in what we do.

lisatryingagain

That's a great post, don't apologise for long posts, I like long thoughtful ones, I think a lot of us do. I am also very good at rationalising myself into really bad decisions.

Maybe going forward you could look at it as an experiment doing all the things you haven't been doing. Please remember that alcohol will greatly diminish that intellect of yours. I know alcohol has had an impact on my brain. But with each day that passes the impacts are a little less and less.