Luna1231

Hello everybody.
Just wanted to share my experience and maybe get some insight on how to handle the way I am feeling at the moment.
Basically I started drinking socially around the age of 17 and would always be the one that lost control or couldn't handle their drink. Its just that once i started, i could not stop and had to deal with the embarrassment of the next day.
Nothing beats the guilt and shame of the next day of a night out. Nothing.
However I still managed to do it socially for a few more years. Never thinking i had a problem, telling myself I was young and that it was "normal". That alcoholics are the ones that wake up in the morning and need it.
I only drank on weekends but I would get smashed. I got myself in terrible situations, ER, DUI, you name it. Still wasn't enough to make me quit.

A little more than i year ago i met my current boyfriend. He is so loving and does not drink. At the start of our relationship I would still drink but somehow I though to myself. WOW, I'm so happy. I love this man. Why do i need to get intoxicated at social events. I take it too far and i just simply embarrass myself. I started to slow down and never really drank around him. I was able to limit myself to 2 drinks. Anytime he went away for a few days for work I would plan and decide I would get drunk that night, and was excited about it.

Ive also been taking antidepressants to sleep for a while and completely tapered off them. So have been completely clean from alcohol for 30 days and xanax for 15.

Its weird, I'm not anxious anymore. Im less than i was when i was taking xanax. Very odd.

However i have been thinking over and over about all the mistakes i made. The blackouts and dangerous decisions. I just wish i could forgive myself. Thinking clearly again makes your past come up and all the emotions are back.

The past is haunting me.

Does anyone have advice on how to overcome your past and move on?


Thanks you

Nonsensical

I did this for a while, but taking that long, slow dive into the bottomless bucket of **** got old for me. When those thoughts pop into my head now I force my mind to move onto something more productive. If that doesn't work I do something physically challenging. Hard to dwell in the past when your muscles are screaming at you.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

ALinNS

This was a big one for me when I took a 28 day program three years ago, I wasn't brought up to forgive yet I grew up in what was considered at the time religious home. To cut to the chase I had to learn to forgive myself, to realize when I was drinking I was not in control and that is a lot easier said than done but it's critical in recovery because I tend to believe what I have researched, it is said over and over we can't forgive others if we do not forgive ourselves.

Here is one article on this that I have, I seem to have acquired a vast library of articles to read in the past

http://alcoholrehab.com/addiction-re...s-in-recovery/

doggonecarl

The best thing you can do about your mistakes in the past is to not repeat them. Sounds like sobriety is the solution. Congrats on thirty days.

Luna1231

I will try my best Thanks for your support.

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Luna!

Since alcohol worsens depression and anxiety in the long run, it's not odd at all that you've been feeling better.

In my case, the guilt and shame made me drink even more to escape those feelings and that resulted in getting caught up in a miserable cycle I couldn't get out of.

By the time I gave in and realized I couldn't go on that way anymore if I wanted to live, I thought I was the worst person in the world. I had to learn to forgive myself and having a spiritual belief helped me a lot with that by realizing that if I was already forgiven, then why couldn't I forgive myself? In addition to that, staying sober helps a lot, because I don't do those things anymore and am not adding to it.

Another thing I've come to realize is that thinking I'm the worst person in the world is just as much of an over-inflated ego as thinking I'm better than everyone else. With my recovery program and continued sobriety, I now mostly feel equal instead better or worse than.

rahrah

My past is haunting me too....It feels like a fist is clenched around my heart ALL THE TIME.....

I feel so terrible about all the years of terrible things I've done and said. All the hurt I've caused others. I PROMISED myself I wouldn't drink when I had kids...I wouldn't bring them up the way I was brought up (with an alcoholic mother) and yet....

I know the deep sorrow and physical pain the hurt can cause. But I know that all that pain and sorrow will only increase with each drink I may take. Drinking isn't going to fix the past...it will only make the future worse.

I'm hanging on to the hope that I will get better....everyone here with long term sobriety says it does....so I'm choosing to believe and focusing on staying sober...I can't get rid of the pain today so I'm simply struggling through it...hoping it gets better....(it's so painful I can't even type this without crying...)

So I don't have any words of wisdom for you...except to tell you to LISTEN to those who do!

Fly N Buy

Guilt and remorse is sign of a good person who had some bad behavior in the past. As time passes the action of staying sober is testament to ourselves and others of making amends. Apologies don't really have an impact on repetitive behaviors but staying sober and changing does.

The pain of the past can be a very useful reminder of why we quit. It is helpful when our brain thinks - gee, it's been 3 months - maybe I'll have a drink or two!??

I don't sit in the muck - prayer and meditation helped me with this, but I don't shut the door on the past either. I acknowledge the bad behavior, stay sober and move on. Humans make many, many mistakes - drunk and sober! It is life.............

Pride and self pity are opposite sides of the same coin with both being harmful to our health - mental and physical.

Glad you're here with us

IronPhoenix

I was a binge drinker just like you - had no off button and would get blackout drunk. I am 6 weeks sober now and when I started to reflect on my actions over my drinking years - I just cringe.

So, I know I can now only focus on my actions from now on and make those count.

Luna1231

Yea i just cringe and feel ashamed of myself on a daily basis, it shall pass though. I completely erase the bad influences in my life and just deleted them from my social media accounts. I come from a country where drinking is pretty much in our culture. You can go to a cafe here at 7 am and there will be people drinking beer with croissants. Its pretty disgusting.

I'm 23. A little young to stop drinking so what i say to people now is that I'm on a diet or sick instead of saying to people that i don't drink.
I feel like they are gonna look at me different and i don' t want them to ask questions.

Obviously my close family and friends know.

What do you guys say to people when you are offered a drink?

Jsbodhi

At least you feel bad!! If you didn't then there would be cause for worry ( its a good sign you're not a sociopathic psycho) which is always a plus

You're totally fine, we all feel like this
Xoxo
Exercise and a gratitude are great! Get outside if you can for some fresh air

Berrybean

Any 12-step based recovery works through those things - it def helped me working the steps in AA with a sponsor.

Good luck - I hope you find some relief from that shame and remorse soon. It's not good for our sobriety when we feel like that.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Luna!!

teatreeoil007

Luna:

You bring up a really important issue! Usually, part of recovery is dealing with things from the past that are haunting us. And, it's likely those things could be part of the reason we ever got into addiction to begin with. I discovered the hard way that alcohol simply does not take care of the issues and it certainly does not erase haunting memories and the issues are best dealt with via a sober mind and clearer vision. Also, a sober mind can better problem SOLVE and reSOLVE.

Hercules

Yeah I have the same problem I look back at my behaviour and it upsets me deeply, I also think that karma is coming to get me..

I know that sober I would not act the way I have so I keep telling myself that I was drunk and I have no control when I drink!

Wastinglife

I have had horrifying blackouts where I have gotten in fights with strangers, friends, even family. I have ended up in the ER 5 times, been arrested 5 times, and humiliated myself too many times to count.

It is very hard to cope with these memories, even if they are vague. I always had some memory come back after a day or two of sobering up. I see a therapist now to help me deal with the shame. I have tried antidepressants but they didn't do much for the regret I am constantly hounded by

tomsteve

first thing i did about my haunting past was stop drinking.
then faced it. took a look at,learned causes and conditions(alcohol was only a symptom) and made amends where possible.

today my past is the greatest posession i have. it no longer haunts me. i can look back and say,"yup, i did that. i was a very sick man back then and im not that man today". i have very many lessons from my past of what doesnt work.
and can use it to help others.

tomsteve

no age is too young to stop drinking.
i saw an aa speaker a few years ago. she had just celebrated 28 years sober and was 42 years old.

i simply say,"no thank you" to people that offer me a drink.
very,very rarely have the people that offered gone further.
i dont have to lie. i can say," i dont drink" and be done with it.
i dont have to allow people to keep pushing it. i can walk away.

teatreeoil007

As beccy said, these things are part of the 12 steps... There's likely some wounds that need tended to.... We've all got 'em...inflicted on us, by us, self inflicted... It takes time and is a process.... Be patient and don't give up... You never know when forgiveness will finally come .... Can't control others forgiving you... But you can be a very active participant in forgiving yourself... Be good to yourself... Use your memories wisely ... You're a good person

Luna1231

People around me have forgiven me. I just wasn't that bad to others, more a self-destructive to myself.
However, i know that people around me suffered... They have all moved on though. No grudges.

It's time to forgive myself.

Thank you all for your great advice! I am very glad to have joined this site