walkinganewpath

RAH has been sober for 7 weeks now. 4.5 of which were in rehab. He's doing well, working a program, has lost 23 lbs, going to the gym, getting back into his music, back at work, etc.

Supposed to be everything I wanted right??? How come I'm feeling all ugly, fat, not as far along in recovery, not having a life, etc ,etc. Then I realized - I'm feeling inferior to him. And it's not HIM that's making me feel that way it's ME. Ugghh.

Trying to cut myself some slack but I'm realizing that I need to take better care of me. I've been really lousy at doing that and it shows. I've been working my alanon - meetings, reading every day, really trying to be aware of what is going on around and inside me, taking things one day at a time. This whole rehab thing is great for the alcoholic but it has me feeling light years behind in my own recovery. Although I've been working it longer I've also had to juggle it with getting it all done each day - not the same as the extreme self focus and insulated world of rehab.

I'm also finding myself on eggshells a bit again. He's different and I'm a little reserved (trust issues?) and overall not happy with myself. Plus I had mostly figured out the dynamic of our relationship and the 'rules/roles' in our house with him drinking. Now it's changed - he's taking more authority and responsibility which also means some of the decisions I've made (without his input as he wasn't able) are being questioned and it's got me a little pissed off and resentful.

Anyone get what i'm feeling? Any advice on pushing through it?

maia1234

W,
We never got that far to "recovery", so have no words of wisdom. just sending hugs!!

LexieCat

Oh, yeah. Check out the chapters in the Big Book, "To Wives" and "The Family Afterward." You can read them online here: To Wives; The Family Afterward. Do your best to overlook the dated and sexist language--it was written in the 1930s.

Al-Anon will help a whole lot to keep the focus on YOU, rather than what HE is doing. You're still very early on--both of you. It will get better.

Early sobriety is a huge adjustment for everybody.

BananaTree

Thanks Lexi, this is great reading as my AH is starting his recovery today (again). I must say, I was not able to read the chapters without a British accent in my head for some reason!! lol

LexieCat

BTW, a little factoid some people don't know: Bill Wilson, the co-founder of AA who wrote the Big Book with input from the first 100 or so sober members, wrote "To Wives." It pissed off his wife, Lois, who felt it should REALLY be written by a wife, but Bill supposedly felt that the book should all be in the same "style"--typical alcoholic on a power trip, lol.

greeteachday

Based on what you said here, I think you are much further along in your recovery than you realize. You recognize that you are responsible for your feelings - huge!

Your post is very honest and so normal. I think the vast majority of folks would be experiencing the same feelings you so clearly expressed. I know I've felt a sense of self loathing for being a bit jealous of people who make great, healthy changes. I try to turn my thinking around to instead use their experience as a motivator for me to work on me a bit harder.

I wonder if talking about some of these feelings with your husband about role shifts in an honest and non threatening way (when there isn't a major decision to make ) may clear the air a little? You know the dynamics best, so go with what feels right to you and keep focusing on your stuff. Congrats to both of you on working hard on recovery!

walkinganewpath

Thank you Greet...actually you're right and thank you for reminding me. I actually am happy for him and it's me that I'm not happy with and I do know why. I guess that's half the battle - I know WHAT IT IS and now I have to figure out WHAT TO DO about it.

And Lexi - yes the big book....I've read both those chapters but re-read them again today. I also just got a copy of "How Al-Anon Works" and that has some great info on the same subject. Along the lines that no matter how many character defects we might have that when the alcoholic is drinking we have the leg up. When they stop we lose the leg and really have to look at ourselves even more. And I want to...but I'm going to remind myself that it is very very early days in this process. And that it is a PROCESS. I didn't get this messed up and lost in 7 weeks - it's taken years to get here. I can't expect even with a lot of work that I can recover in 7 weeks.

I signed up to be the speaker at my meeting a week from Friday. My first time. I'm also looking for a sponsor and thinking this is the time to start my 4th step. I want positive change in my own life - regardless of what RAH does.

Thank you all....I'm going to bring this subject up at my Wednesday meeting as well. Makes me realize that I need Al-Anon even more now.