I'm a parasite.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 31
I'm a parasite.
Im a bastard of a son, a brother. I wanna make this short. Im 22 and been addicted to opiates since i was 16. I live with my two parents and two younger brothers.
I dont have any "cool" stories of being a junkie. I didnt live a life of selling drugs and doing much criminal activity. Nope I mainly stole from my Mom (granted she enabled me so much and gave me money many times but i am a really sneaky manipulator). But i have stole from everybody.
I dont work. Im literally a parasite feeding off my parents. Reality hit hard today. I talked with my Dad and it really made me think about the 6 years of hell I've put them through. My oldest younger brother hates me the most.
Another thing is to, Im spoiled as ****, for the average person. Im not rich by no means but I'd say upper-mid class. That is honestly what really ****** me up. Being spoiled. And I really blame both parents. And by blame I mean when I was a kid. When you are a kid if you are being spoiled of course you arent mature enough to realize how its bad. But my dad was a real hard ass and never showed alot of compassion, real old school. I actually respect his ways now, when I was a kid I never got it. Anyways, my mom did not take this approach, she was the complete opposite. She gave me everything I wanted behind my Dads back. My dad would take my things away and then my mom would go right behind his back and give them to me.
When I type that out it makes my mom look like a terrible parent. But you have to understand what my dad was like to see that what she was doing was just out of love. It was a very niave thing to do though and it doesnt excuse it at all. But to be fair my dad was very unapproachable and he was (hes gotten a bit better) literally the hardest person to talk to in the world. He literally acted like an addict but just wasnt using drugs. He was never wrong in his eyes. He never appreciated anything anybody ever did. Nothing was ever good enough. And my mom and him to me felt so different I dont even understand how they got married, I actually still dont.
Anyways, there is a point to this rambling. I just dont know what to do. I need to become independent and obviously sober. Ive been to so many programs, detoxs, rehabs that I literally can recite the NA programs in my sleep. What do I do? Im lost. I know I can get clean, its staying clean I cant do. How does a 22 year old with not much work experience progress in life. I dont know what to do. The strengths I have is that im charasmatic, fairly intelligent, good looks (people said i should model, not attributing myself with this its what people told me). Everybody tells me i have tons of potential. But im stuck being a spoiled adult baby living off my parents with a huge addiction problem that is now beyond my control. The only thing i can control is how i go about dealing with it.
I dont have any "cool" stories of being a junkie. I didnt live a life of selling drugs and doing much criminal activity. Nope I mainly stole from my Mom (granted she enabled me so much and gave me money many times but i am a really sneaky manipulator). But i have stole from everybody.
I dont work. Im literally a parasite feeding off my parents. Reality hit hard today. I talked with my Dad and it really made me think about the 6 years of hell I've put them through. My oldest younger brother hates me the most.
Another thing is to, Im spoiled as ****, for the average person. Im not rich by no means but I'd say upper-mid class. That is honestly what really ****** me up. Being spoiled. And I really blame both parents. And by blame I mean when I was a kid. When you are a kid if you are being spoiled of course you arent mature enough to realize how its bad. But my dad was a real hard ass and never showed alot of compassion, real old school. I actually respect his ways now, when I was a kid I never got it. Anyways, my mom did not take this approach, she was the complete opposite. She gave me everything I wanted behind my Dads back. My dad would take my things away and then my mom would go right behind his back and give them to me.
When I type that out it makes my mom look like a terrible parent. But you have to understand what my dad was like to see that what she was doing was just out of love. It was a very niave thing to do though and it doesnt excuse it at all. But to be fair my dad was very unapproachable and he was (hes gotten a bit better) literally the hardest person to talk to in the world. He literally acted like an addict but just wasnt using drugs. He was never wrong in his eyes. He never appreciated anything anybody ever did. Nothing was ever good enough. And my mom and him to me felt so different I dont even understand how they got married, I actually still dont.
Anyways, there is a point to this rambling. I just dont know what to do. I need to become independent and obviously sober. Ive been to so many programs, detoxs, rehabs that I literally can recite the NA programs in my sleep. What do I do? Im lost. I know I can get clean, its staying clean I cant do. How does a 22 year old with not much work experience progress in life. I dont know what to do. The strengths I have is that im charasmatic, fairly intelligent, good looks (people said i should model, not attributing myself with this its what people told me). Everybody tells me i have tons of potential. But im stuck being a spoiled adult baby living off my parents with a huge addiction problem that is now beyond my control. The only thing i can control is how i go about dealing with it.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,504
I can't even control "how I deal with it". I just don't pick up, mean it and whatever I get dealt I cop to. Bad luck, so long as I'm sober. I've only got two weeks up but fair dinkum so much better than the self loathing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 253
The thing that jumped out at me was that you have no purpose and that would (for me anyway) make it difficult to find a reason to stop. There would be no need to not have that drink (or drugs for you). You have said you come from a well off family and I'm sure they would be over the moon to help fund you through some training or courses towards getting a career. What about volunteering at an addiction place? - get yourself clean and then help other people do the same? As addicts we have a lot of insight into what addicts go through where I think non addicts haven't got a clue as much as they may try to understand.
You can stop and I think when your head clears and you get out of your depression and find training/a job, mountains will move for you. One thing I would say, children of wealthy parents I think often feel like they need to keep up with their parents, the lifestyle, the income etc. Don't fall into that trap because you would be putting yourself under unnecessary pressure. Be who you are and find joy in the basics of life - the food you eat/the people who are around you/nature which is free for everyone! In the end that is all that matters.
You can stop and I think when your head clears and you get out of your depression and find training/a job, mountains will move for you. One thing I would say, children of wealthy parents I think often feel like they need to keep up with their parents, the lifestyle, the income etc. Don't fall into that trap because you would be putting yourself under unnecessary pressure. Be who you are and find joy in the basics of life - the food you eat/the people who are around you/nature which is free for everyone! In the end that is all that matters.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by FallenAlien 
im stuck being a spoiled adult baby living off my parents with a huge addiction problem that is now beyond my control.
The only thing i can control is how i go about dealing with it.
Seek -- a good moral life with all of your heart and mind.
M-Bob
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Utah
Posts: 214
job core. can teach you independence, skills, for work, you can ever train and get a job while you finish. There is a chance to fail via drugs there but they give you 2 chances aswell. I would recomend it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Fallenalien,
It's terrific that you've found this forum, and are wanting to take active steps to turn your life around. Especially while you're still so young. You really can start fresh and have the life you want.
Where did you get to in your education? Whatever stage you're at, you can catch up or further your education and only finish a bit behind where you'd probably have been without the drugs. By education I mean any kind of training, college, apprenticeships etc.
It sounds like you've been doing a lot of analysing about how you got where you are. Which can be helpful in the long term, but perhaps for now your focus could be on how to move forward, not so much on what's happened in the past. Getting clean is of course the top priority. But also spending some time now on thinking about life post addiction. What your interests, skills and strengths are. The kinds of jobs you can see yourself doing and enjoying. And then to think about what steps you'd need to take to get those jobs.
Being fairly intelligent, charismatic and good looking never hurt anyone's job prospects, so it sounds like people are right to say you have bags of potential. But that's completely in your hands. You're the one who'll need to do the work of figuring out what it is you want in life, and to make a plan on how to achieve it. I think Charliesworld is right to say your parents would probably be thrilled to support you through whatever training you'd need, instead of supporting you staying home doing drugs. 22 is young, but whatever your parents did in the past, you're certainly old enough now to take responsibility for your own future.
I have no personal experience with heavy drug addiction so can't offer advice on how best to get clean, other than to say that is definitely the top priority now. But having a goal in mind may well help give you the incentive you need to succeed at that.
Good luck!
It's terrific that you've found this forum, and are wanting to take active steps to turn your life around. Especially while you're still so young. You really can start fresh and have the life you want.
Where did you get to in your education? Whatever stage you're at, you can catch up or further your education and only finish a bit behind where you'd probably have been without the drugs. By education I mean any kind of training, college, apprenticeships etc.
It sounds like you've been doing a lot of analysing about how you got where you are. Which can be helpful in the long term, but perhaps for now your focus could be on how to move forward, not so much on what's happened in the past. Getting clean is of course the top priority. But also spending some time now on thinking about life post addiction. What your interests, skills and strengths are. The kinds of jobs you can see yourself doing and enjoying. And then to think about what steps you'd need to take to get those jobs.
Being fairly intelligent, charismatic and good looking never hurt anyone's job prospects, so it sounds like people are right to say you have bags of potential. But that's completely in your hands. You're the one who'll need to do the work of figuring out what it is you want in life, and to make a plan on how to achieve it. I think Charliesworld is right to say your parents would probably be thrilled to support you through whatever training you'd need, instead of supporting you staying home doing drugs. 22 is young, but whatever your parents did in the past, you're certainly old enough now to take responsibility for your own future.
I have no personal experience with heavy drug addiction so can't offer advice on how best to get clean, other than to say that is definitely the top priority now. But having a goal in mind may well help give you the incentive you need to succeed at that.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,410
Building a resume can begin with volunteer work
I worked many entry level fast food jobs as well for cash
but it really teaches you discipline in that you have to get up,
be on time, deal with crap you don't like sometimes, and get along with others.
These are all skills you will need to learn--you aren't going to step into
a "dream job" with no experience or training anyway, so if you are serious
about changing your life, that is a great beginning.
The main thing of course, is to quit doing drugs.
Without that, it will all fail.
Another helpful but difficult thing will be to kick the gaming / media addiction
you no doubt have.
Filling the hours with unproductive entertainment isn't going to "unparasite" you--
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Do you help around the house?
What about taking over some chores and contributing more?
Again, this is "training" for dealing with regular life.
It won't be easy to make yourself focus on "boring" things but
it is critical to being able to be uncomfortable and productive.
Set you alarm and get up early. Go to bed at a decent hour.
If you sleep whenever you want, and stay up until all hours,
you will find it hard to keep a work schedule.
Expect some difficulty in the beginning with insomnia,
but persist--exercise really helps and a regular routine before bed.
You can do it if you are really motivated.
Keep posting and let us help you with planning as needed.
I suggest you make a plan for this week to get clean and start
building up some sort of work record.
Oh, and don't forget about those chores
Make 2016 your year to turn it all around
You've been to rehab and have the tools
Use them
I worked many entry level fast food jobs as well for cash
but it really teaches you discipline in that you have to get up,
be on time, deal with crap you don't like sometimes, and get along with others.
These are all skills you will need to learn--you aren't going to step into
a "dream job" with no experience or training anyway, so if you are serious
about changing your life, that is a great beginning.
The main thing of course, is to quit doing drugs.
Without that, it will all fail.
Another helpful but difficult thing will be to kick the gaming / media addiction
you no doubt have.
Filling the hours with unproductive entertainment isn't going to "unparasite" you--
Quite the opposite, in fact.
Do you help around the house?
What about taking over some chores and contributing more?
Again, this is "training" for dealing with regular life.
It won't be easy to make yourself focus on "boring" things but
it is critical to being able to be uncomfortable and productive.
Set you alarm and get up early. Go to bed at a decent hour.
If you sleep whenever you want, and stay up until all hours,
you will find it hard to keep a work schedule.
Expect some difficulty in the beginning with insomnia,
but persist--exercise really helps and a regular routine before bed.
You can do it if you are really motivated.
Keep posting and let us help you with planning as needed.
I suggest you make a plan for this week to get clean and start
building up some sort of work record.
Oh, and don't forget about those chores
Make 2016 your year to turn it all around
You've been to rehab and have the tools
Use them
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I second finding volunteer opportunities. You can get out, help someone else, and learn something in the process. I also agree with helping out at home. Who cooks, cleans, does the laundry, washes dishes, takes out the garbage, shovels snow, cuts the grass, etc? You can help out at home. Getting those things done helps generate a feeling of accomplishment and self worth.
Keep reaching out. Make sobriety your job. Make it about you. So long as you blame your parents for what's going on, you may stay stuck. This is about you now, not them.
Keep reaching out. Make sobriety your job. Make it about you. So long as you blame your parents for what's going on, you may stay stuck. This is about you now, not them.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Stopping, but not staying stopped. This comes from lacking a purpose and a detailed sobriety plan (for how to fill the void after you stop using, and how to handle situations that make you want to use).
I think a lot of addicts had very difficult childhoods. I sure did. But we can overcome that. It helps when you start to get focused on the future, the things you want for yourself.
I think some coaching (which is different from counseling) might be helpful for you. A coach will help you clarify goals and hold you accountable for taking steps toward them. Would your parents be able to help you afford one?
My final suggestion is: Get a job doing something, anything. Minimum wage fast food is fine. Whatever you can get. Then, as soon as possible, move out of your parent's house and in with one or more SOBER roommates. Become responsible for paying for your own food and housing. Responsibility has an amazing transformative power. It grows you up and builds your character.
I think a lot of addicts had very difficult childhoods. I sure did. But we can overcome that. It helps when you start to get focused on the future, the things you want for yourself.
I think some coaching (which is different from counseling) might be helpful for you. A coach will help you clarify goals and hold you accountable for taking steps toward them. Would your parents be able to help you afford one?
My final suggestion is: Get a job doing something, anything. Minimum wage fast food is fine. Whatever you can get. Then, as soon as possible, move out of your parent's house and in with one or more SOBER roommates. Become responsible for paying for your own food and housing. Responsibility has an amazing transformative power. It grows you up and builds your character.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hi Fallen-I am impressed that at your age you are taking a serious look at yourself and addiction and your issues! Yeah, how your dad and mom handled things is not the ideal way to discipline and raise a kid
creates a lot of confusion, for starters), you were loved and are loved. Never hurt to have good looks, smarts and charisma and that can go in your favor sometimes. You are not an "alien", but maybe right now you feel that way. Being clear and sober will hopefully help you see yourself more clearly and "REAL" and you realize that picking yourself up after falling can turn out to one of the best character building experience.
creates a lot of confusion, for starters), you were loved and are loved. Never hurt to have good looks, smarts and charisma and that can go in your favor sometimes. You are not an "alien", but maybe right now you feel that way. Being clear and sober will hopefully help you see yourself more clearly and "REAL" and you realize that picking yourself up after falling can turn out to one of the best character building experience.
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