KiKi0615

I am only 50 days sober & am finding myself strongly disliking my husband. He's not a bad guy...he's actually a good guy. We have been married for 18 years. I just feel like alcohol was hurting our marriage & now I feel like sobriety is hurting our marriage too! Ugh!

I was trying to plan a family vacation today to the beach for the spring & I just started crying and realized I just don't want to go! I thought about "why" I don't want to go & it's because I don't want to spend all that time with my husband.

He's a "normal" drinker and I know if we go he will want to drink "normally". I can't drink AT ALL because I'm an alcoholic. It makes me feel inadequate. If he drinks it will really bother me b/c he gets buzzed really easy & it triggers me. If he doesn't drink (which he won't if I ask him not to), he will pout the whole time. It's a lose-lose situation.

For a long time the only fun we ever had together was when we were drinking...at least that's what it seemed like to me. Now I don't drink and he wishes I could drink "normally" with him and I feel like we just aren't on the same page anymore & have nothing in common.

I've been really depressed about this all day. Does any of this make sense? Any experience with this? I feel really sad....

Thank you

ALinNS

I feel for you, have you considered sitting your husband down and sharing how you feel? I am a firm believer, at least in my case, I make assumptions and I would like to think he will understand and not drink around you.

I wish you the very best
Andrew

JD

It's not that uncommon. While drinking many issues and differences where pushed to the side, numbed out, and not addressed. Now you don't have the alcohol which allowed you to ignore them. Not sure what else to tell you. You might try a marriage counselor to see if you can identify and address the issues.

SoberinSyracuse

Is this your chance to find out new things you have in common?

I'm discovering my true friends. They're the ones who say "I had fun drinking with you, but I'm sure we'll have even more fun when we're sober. Let's go swing dancing instead."

sva777

Your in the infancy of getting sober, you need to protect your sobriety since it is so new. Take a step back and make sure your only putting yourself in non risky situations.

Do you attend meeting, a support group or therapy? It sounds like you might want to try couples counseling since no healthy marriage should ever be controlled by alcohol.

Steely

I think sitting down with him and talking and going to marriage guidance are both good ideas but it doesn't sound as though you "are on the same page now". Makes sense. Maybe a bit more time in sobriety to work out your real feelings. Talking is a start. Hard I know.

melki

Kiki, talk with your husband and give it some time. It is very early in your sobriety, and these feelings are common. You'll need to find new grounds to connect with your husband and establish new boundaries. Do everything to protect your sobriety first.

Dee74

I think a lot of us question our lives when we get sober, Kiki.

If your husband is a good guy, I'll wait it out a little - I was a million different people in my first 90.

see how you feel after that point maybe?
D

Fly N Buy

I don't have any real experience with your situation, but maybe this will help some. I have been married for over 30 years - my wife drinks very little. We have been on some nice vacations over the years both with kids and alone.

Much of the time was consumed by me either planning to drink, drinking or being hung over. The first thing I would investigate when it came to our activities and destinations is how accessible alcohol was.

Once at Disney World we spent the day at the Magic Kingdom. We had passes that allowed us to move from park to park as we desired but this particular day was dedicated to fun at the kingdom with the kids. Around noon I started looking around for a beer vendor........hmmmm, that's odd couldn't find any. I asked an employee where to find one - ah, sir there's no alcohol served in the Magic Kingdom - Oh no. Epcot that afternoon was pretty nice.........

As I look back I am not stating we didn't have fun, but alcohol fueled late starts, early end to evenings, grumpy dad and the constant search for alcohol.

Please consider this as you think about family vacation - you might be really amazed at how precious the time is when engaged in the present soberly. 50 days is great, well done! Spring isn't even close to being here, don't future trip.

Work on today and tomorrow do the same. Stay in the moment. You have an amazing life waiting for you and ya know what? You and your family deserve it

2much2long

Hi; I'm new, and have been sober 3 days. Since I've been drinking heavily almost every night for decades, I am very nervous to see my Dr. tomorrow and be completely honest with her. I've only just started noticing many physical symptoms in the last year. I should try to be grateful for the symptoms; nothing else has made me try to quit!

melki

Well done on 3 days, 2much2long. Stick with it!

rahrah

I LOVE this Dee!!!! I feel have had so much craziness coursing through my head in these last 21 days!!! Last night I cried myself to sleep because I was exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on since getting sober.

(Reminds me of Bittersweet Symphony).

KiKi0615

After reading your posts I have decided to "shelf" the whole vacation planning for the week & revisit it later.

I am in therapy 1-2 times per week so I will talk to her about it. Once I work through my own "crap" my husband & I will go together to work on our marriage.

I am also in AA in addition to SR. I am working the steps with a sponsor.

As long as I don't drink...there is hope...

I don't know all the answers but I just need to have faith that time & hard work will heal my husband, my family, myself & my life.

Thank you for all the kind responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone!

EternalNow

2much,

You are on the road to healing. When I got honest with my doctor I found nothing but a smile and lots of loving help. It's a big step though, I remember. Take the step into honesty and full disclosure with your doctor. It's scary, like jumping off a cliff, but just know from countless others it will be OK. The more honesty the richer your recovery. We will be with you.

teatreeoil007

Honesty can be scary sometimes but when put in practice it should ultimately set you free.

keeppushing

First, congrats on 50 days. Although I didn't reach that number, I did have a conversation with my wife. I think that everything said above is great, except I think that one thing is missing: if your husband pouts because he can't drink, I would consider if maybe he doesn't have an issue and probably doesn't realise it? I hope this helps provide a different potential view of things.

By the way, the deal I had with my wife was no drinking at home or in front of me, just go out with her friends, come home and go to bed. We never considered what to do about vacation.

I wish you luck,

KP

Berrybean

I think it's a good idea to shelve holiday planning for now. As I got further into the steps I felt far more at peace with myself - for me step 5 was a game changer.

I'll be two years sober at the beginning of March, and have been on a few trips in that time. One of which was a hen weekend in Berlin. Thankfully my hotel had wifi, and I took my laptop, so I could use the lovely folks on here to keep me sane. I also went away for some short weekend breaks with my partner, which were good. We also went to a favourite quiet place (Lynton / Lynmouth in Devon, UK) for a whole week. That was a bit much. I did manage to get to one AA meeting while I was down there (that was all that was doable by public transport) and my partner and I drove each other a bit mad I think.
This year, when I go away, this is what I'll be looking for:

Short break(s) only
Somewhere with wifi
Somewhere where there are a number of AA meetings I can get to!
Somewhere where there are cafes and affordable restaurants for the evening
Somewhere where there is plenty of exploring to do in the day

I think a weekend in London is top of the list.

EternalNow

First, I apologize for getting my first post in the wrong thread apparently. But I too have a problem similar to you. I have been sober fro 3 years and 2 months but I am finding it hard to live with my wife because of her drinking and medical marijuana. I posted in the family and friends board (al-anon), but I want to add my support to your thread also. It is very hard to carry the message when there is a separation with someone so close. Everything I stand for is in direct conflict with her choices. I don't get it, I'm looking for advise too.

KiKi0615

Thank you keeppushing and Beccy! Great advice!!! :-)

teatreeoil007

Sometimes just being able stay home is a break! Traveling can be stressful...