Lonewolf222

My brother started smoking pot around 15. When I told my mom, she said it was ok because at least he wasn't smoking cigarettes. Well, a year later, he was on cigarettes also...and she was the one buying them, and the pot. He has manufactured drugs, sold drugs, etc all at her expense and she doesn't care. She foots the bill for everything, even his DUI, totaling her car and getting arrested. She won't let him spend one day in jail. Any time I have tried to tell her, she gets mad at me, when my dad tries to put his foot down, she just goes around him like he's not even there. Today I found out he is now huffing so I told my dad and was promptly instructed to stop tattling. I explained that they may want to restrict his funding (between the bank card and AMEX he has several thousand dollars available at whim) and was told to just stay out of it because I was causing them to fight...me. Not the druggie, but the one who has never done tobacco or illicit drugs, I guess to be fair I should also explain that I was raised by alcoholics and druggies who have since recovered (mostly) from their addictions. But to me, this would make it seem worse for them, that they would be more likely to want him in rehab. But no, I am the problematic one...because I was brainwashed by Nancy Reagan. I want everyone to know it hurts, the words used cut deep and the wounds don't heal. It is a very deep emotional damage, not only do I have to deal with the ones doing drugs, but I am portrayed as the bad seed.

Lonewolf222

Somehow my iPad swapped what I had typed for something stored in my clipboard. Please read corrected

Dee74

I took out your original post

Dee
Moderator
SR

JK130

Lonewolf, I'm glad you're here, clean and sober. Family dynamics are weird, and sometimes infuriating. Maybe sharing will help.

And, Dee, thanks for always "having people's backs".

Mountainmanbob

Most of us can not stand a tattle tale but, I'll tell you what, I would tell the world if I had to if a loved one was huffing. Huffing is worse than drinking heavily and also worse than most drugs that are abused.

Huffing can be a (very, very fast killer),
and in short time the sever damage caused to the lungs and mind is devastating.
Cancer causing to say the least.

Ran into a lot of huffers while working for the City Parks Dept.. as they crawled out of the bushes.
(Some of the saddest people on earth).

M-Bob

AnonWife

Its sad what you posted. Parents have an obligation to address their childrens medical and emotional needs. Their choosing to ignore what is under their noses, and appears to be progessing must be a nightmare to experince.
Im sure it might cause more issues with the family dynamics but do you have another relative you could inform of this situation? How does your brother do in school? Is he a senior or starting college?

Lonewolf222

He is 25 now and never did any college. he is in job corps because my mom finally agreed with my dad in a moment of reason and told him he wasn't welcome in their new home and he took the bait... and when (not if) they test him, I know he will be back in my parents house. They are both in their mid sixties and don't need it.

When I speak of my parents and brother, I should really explain the family structure... My mom is actually my aunt (mother's sister), my dad is my uncle with no blood relation and my brother is actually my cousin. I was raised by my aunt & uncle since I was 2 because my real parents were not doing well. I was found at my grandmothers house trying to eat a raw egg in the fridge, my real father died from huffing gasoline when I was 8.
I have not gotten along well with my real family or even my cousins or most of my aunts. Most of them have been in drugs, alcohol, etc and because I was the one who would tell them they are doing something bad I was alienated. My own sister stole my identity when she was on meth and even stole from me when I tried to build a relationship so no, there is no love with regard to family. I actually feel more welcome in the presence of non-blood relatives

Mountainmanbob

Huffing does not show up on most drug test.
Mountainman

PuzzledHeart

Lonewolf, my parents, who are pretty much on the straight and narrow, had the same reaction when my sister started taking drugs. I remember one night after she crashed my car. I had left the car at my parents' place while I was on vacation (they lived closer to the airport) and had asked them to NOT let my sister drive my car, and I told my sister the same thing. Well she did and she ran over something and totally shattered the windshield and destroyed one tire rim. When I got back home, I got angry at her and she started crying. My mom took her in her arms and said to me, "Please don't get mad at her. We already got mad at her last night so you don't have to be mad at her now."

Another time, my sister and I were roommates and she decided to hold a pot party with her friends without telling me. I was frankly more pissed off that she decided to hold a party without checking with me first. When I told my parents, they told me to stop embarrassing her, and that I needed to loosen up! And these are people who have never smoked a joint in their lives! And my sister told me that I needed to be more open-hearted and generous with our living space. That all her other roommates never had to check with her to throw a party, so why was I expecting her to do that?

Fast forward fifteen years later, and my parents are beside themselves because my sister refuses to help my sick mom. They're turning to me because otherwise there is nobody else to turn to. And my sister still walks around as if she's the victim, but now it's clear that it's part of her schtick - "Feel sorry for me so you don't have to confront me for the stupid choices I've made in my life." My parents, especially my dad, are heartbroken because despite all the help they've given her she cannot get her act together. My dad is begging me to help her out when he dies, but I've already told him that the only person who can get her out of this mess is herself.

Yep, yep, and yep. Everybody tells me to be compassionate towards my sister, but nobody calls her out for being mean to me. I still struggle with this, but a dear friend gave me some insight to what was going on. He said, look, you're in a good marriage, you've got a career and financial security, and you've got professional and personal respect from others. She's divorced, she's involved with a pothead still living with his parents, she's basically living on her ex-husband's and your parents' mercy, and she's enduring a lot of judgment. You have everything that she doesn't, and OF COURSE she's going to go bat$#@ crazy. It's inevitable.

I know when she bullies me it comes from a place of deep insecurity. I know that when people try to dismiss it, it's not because they think any less of me, but it's because they don't want to admit that my sister is in free-fall. They want me to save her because they don't know how to do it themselves.

In terms of being perceived as the "bad seed", eventually people figure it out. They may not admit it to you because they have too much pride to admit that they've been wrong, so you can't expect for people to say that they've seen the light. You will be wasting your time waiting for other people's approval - so you might as well build a life that's strong enough to hold you up when other people try to tear you down.

From one sibling to another, I tip my hat to you.

ItsViolet

Hang in there Lonewolf. You're not alone.

I, too, have been treated by my family as if I'M the problem for speaking the truth. Even though they were actually the ones who asked me what was going on, they didn't like my answer and got quite hostile with me and defensive.

Even if the truth doesn't help the others wake up yet, maybe it can help you? Take care Lonewolf

Lonewolf222

No, but the pot will

Bekindalways

Heya Lone and all,

Detaching from a family member using is hard enough but detaching from enablers of family members seems exponentially harder.

I hope you all have built a support network including alanon or other groups; however I would think the pain of the situation is intense as it is rooted in the folks from whom that first primal sense of security came. ARRRGH!

Thank you for everything you have done to make your lives work. That you have stayed off substances and managed to build a life separate from users and enablers is huge!!

CodeJob

Hello Lonewolf,

Karpmann Drama Triangles explains a lot abiut how people react to you - the one throwing the blanket off a sick relationship dynamic with some truth. I found reading up on these quite helpful. I've attached one link below.

The drama triangle | Breaking Barriers

maia1234

Lw,
You might try and post also on the friends and family forum or on the adult children of alcoholics forum. There is a lot of help for us enablers.

You can not help your parents or your sister, see the light, but you can help yourself. You can learn to set up boundaries, not engage, work a program, to not get involved. On the top of the forum there is a bunch of stickies that will educate you about addiction. Read, read and post. Slowly your crazy life will get better.

Hugs my friend, you have come to the right place!!!

zoso77

Lonewolf...

Late reading this. Welcome to the Board. Let's cut to the chase:

When I read stories like this, I have to allow myself a dark chuckle because the behavior of some people can be off-the-hook outrageous. Your AB's out of control. Your mother has been his accomplice.

One concept you often hear in Al Anon is "detach, with love". In situations such as yours, however, I think a more appropriate concept is "detach...with prejudice". It is an extremely safe bet that you will never be able to reason with your AB or your mother. And just because someone is family does not mean we should allow them disrupt our own lives. So pardon my bluntness, but screw 'em. Allow them to continue their codependent death spiral. Allow them to pay the price. Stay clear of it. Protect yourself, protect your sanity.

Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to get sucked into that debacle.

hopepraylove

Lonewolf,

You'll get a lot of great suggestions and support on this thread. I'm sorry I can't offer you more, but I gently agree with the above contributors. I just wanted to say I'll be keeping you in my prayers and I'm sending gentle hugs your way.

You're not alone.