feel so helpless
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Laredo, Texas
Posts: 6
feel so helpless
Hello, this is my first time posting in any site but I need some advise.
My son is 27 years old, he went to college and is very smart. He started using heroin when he was 22. I had not idea. I trusted him. He had always been a good son. Never drank too much or partied too late. No problems in school, he always had good grades. From my understanding he started using because of his back pain. He said someone introduced it to him and it worked a lot better than all those pain killers he was taking. He started snorting and now is injecting.
He has never stolen money from us or anything significant from the house. He is not violent. When he was 22 he lost his job because the doctor he worked with was moving to another city. This was his breaking point. He no longer had money to support his habit and was having bad withdrawals. Again, I did not notice anything but some chapping on his upper lip, which he blamed on allergies. He confessed his problem.
Being new to this, I was devastated, did not know what or where to get help. Someone recommend a rehab in another city so we took him there. He was there for a week to detox, then they let him go. It turned out that rehab was more for mental problems and not so much a drug rehab. He was upset and blamed that for using again. I wanted to put him in a rehab center but he refused saying he only needed to move to another city.
He did, moved about 5 hours away from home. Was away for about two years but went back to using. Always hiding from us his problem. Lying and me always looking for evidence that he was still using.
At one point he signed himself into a rehab hospital for detox again but no long term rehab. A few months later he lost his job and he took out his 401 and I imagine had a drug binge. When he ran out of money he asked to come back home.
I told him that he had to go to rehab in order to come back to what he agreed. He went to rehab, seemed very committed to recovery. He moving in to a sober living house and everything seemed to be going well. He had a job, friends, a good living situation and was even joining a gym.
Then he met a girl from the same rehab he went to. She was kicked out of her sober home so he claimed to have relapsed, told the house supervisor and got kicked out. This started the story of the two of them. She is 6 years younger than he is. She has been using drugs from a very young age and has been living out of her house for years.
I want to blame my son's new problems on her, but I know everyone is responsible for their own actions. Since being kicked out the homes, they were living from friend to friends, in the car, or Lord knows where. We would ask him to come home but he insisted on bringing her. I refused.
They were homeless for a few months until he called and asked to come home and asked if she could come with him. Stating she had no where to go, that her family did not want to have anything to do with her. They moving in to my house and bad turned to worst. They had very erratic behavior. My son was able to get a job but she seemed very mentally unstable.
I ended up asking them to leave because of continuous suspicions of their drug use. They moved out of state. No money, no plan, no place to live.
To the present, they came back to Texas to live in the girl's hometown. My son found a job, not in his area, but a job. They claim to be clean and ok. He occasionally asks for money now, he used to ask for a lot more before. They came to visit for the holidays and I saw new track marks on my son's arm and I lost it. I told him that I did not want to be part of his life if he is using. He claimed it was over 2 weeks ago and that is was a relapse. I asked them to leave and told him that I did not want to be a part of his life if he uses. I told him that the drug won over me.
I feel so guilty, my husband does not agree with me. He thinks that as long as he is not living with us that all we should do is talk to him.
I feel bad!
My son is 27 years old, he went to college and is very smart. He started using heroin when he was 22. I had not idea. I trusted him. He had always been a good son. Never drank too much or partied too late. No problems in school, he always had good grades. From my understanding he started using because of his back pain. He said someone introduced it to him and it worked a lot better than all those pain killers he was taking. He started snorting and now is injecting.
He has never stolen money from us or anything significant from the house. He is not violent. When he was 22 he lost his job because the doctor he worked with was moving to another city. This was his breaking point. He no longer had money to support his habit and was having bad withdrawals. Again, I did not notice anything but some chapping on his upper lip, which he blamed on allergies. He confessed his problem.
Being new to this, I was devastated, did not know what or where to get help. Someone recommend a rehab in another city so we took him there. He was there for a week to detox, then they let him go. It turned out that rehab was more for mental problems and not so much a drug rehab. He was upset and blamed that for using again. I wanted to put him in a rehab center but he refused saying he only needed to move to another city.
He did, moved about 5 hours away from home. Was away for about two years but went back to using. Always hiding from us his problem. Lying and me always looking for evidence that he was still using.
At one point he signed himself into a rehab hospital for detox again but no long term rehab. A few months later he lost his job and he took out his 401 and I imagine had a drug binge. When he ran out of money he asked to come back home.
I told him that he had to go to rehab in order to come back to what he agreed. He went to rehab, seemed very committed to recovery. He moving in to a sober living house and everything seemed to be going well. He had a job, friends, a good living situation and was even joining a gym.
Then he met a girl from the same rehab he went to. She was kicked out of her sober home so he claimed to have relapsed, told the house supervisor and got kicked out. This started the story of the two of them. She is 6 years younger than he is. She has been using drugs from a very young age and has been living out of her house for years.
I want to blame my son's new problems on her, but I know everyone is responsible for their own actions. Since being kicked out the homes, they were living from friend to friends, in the car, or Lord knows where. We would ask him to come home but he insisted on bringing her. I refused.
They were homeless for a few months until he called and asked to come home and asked if she could come with him. Stating she had no where to go, that her family did not want to have anything to do with her. They moving in to my house and bad turned to worst. They had very erratic behavior. My son was able to get a job but she seemed very mentally unstable.
I ended up asking them to leave because of continuous suspicions of their drug use. They moved out of state. No money, no plan, no place to live.
To the present, they came back to Texas to live in the girl's hometown. My son found a job, not in his area, but a job. They claim to be clean and ok. He occasionally asks for money now, he used to ask for a lot more before. They came to visit for the holidays and I saw new track marks on my son's arm and I lost it. I told him that I did not want to be part of his life if he is using. He claimed it was over 2 weeks ago and that is was a relapse. I asked them to leave and told him that I did not want to be a part of his life if he uses. I told him that the drug won over me.
I feel so guilty, my husband does not agree with me. He thinks that as long as he is not living with us that all we should do is talk to him.
I feel bad!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
Welcome G104,
I'm so sorry you are going through this with your son. Making decisions with all the emotions attached is so difficult. It's okay to distance yourself from the life of drugs your son is involved in. There are some parents here who continue contact at a distance and some who break contact to keep their sanity so they can find peace. It's an individual decision. Making any kind of change is going to feel bad. We wrestle through fear, guilt, second guessing every decision, and worry. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
There is nothing wrong with taking a step back. Your actions right now are not going to change your son's situation. It's sad and heartbreaking, but sometimes we have to get out from in the middle of it to think clearly and regain our peace and strength.
Your husband is also an individual and will need to handle this in his own way. He may need to continue contact even if you don't.
I have made horribly hard decisions with my son that made me feel horrible, but most of the time there is no decision that will feel good. We gather up all the facts and make the best decision we can.
I'm so sorry you are going through this with your son. Making decisions with all the emotions attached is so difficult. It's okay to distance yourself from the life of drugs your son is involved in. There are some parents here who continue contact at a distance and some who break contact to keep their sanity so they can find peace. It's an individual decision. Making any kind of change is going to feel bad. We wrestle through fear, guilt, second guessing every decision, and worry. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
There is nothing wrong with taking a step back. Your actions right now are not going to change your son's situation. It's sad and heartbreaking, but sometimes we have to get out from in the middle of it to think clearly and regain our peace and strength.
Your husband is also an individual and will need to handle this in his own way. He may need to continue contact even if you don't.
I have made horribly hard decisions with my son that made me feel horrible, but most of the time there is no decision that will feel good. We gather up all the facts and make the best decision we can.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 108
Hello G. This is terribly hard and many of us have had the same situations. You have come to the right place to express your concerns and seek understanding. I always find it interesting that that stories of parents with addicted children always follow the same thread. First sadness of the discovery their drug use. Then the anxiety of trying to somehow control their drug use. Then the guilt of having to separate from their addict's drug use. Then anger because their addict is still and addict. Finally ACCEPTANCE !! " God grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change." We love our sons as much as we did the day they were placed in our arms for the first time. It is extremely difficult to remove yourself from their drug addicted lives. I thought I would never give up, but I finally have. Although I walked away and will not be part of his addiction, I love my son and when I have a chance, that is all I say.
I will pray for your serenity and the serenity of all of us loving moms.
I will pray for your serenity and the serenity of all of us loving moms.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Hi G104. Another mama here. I really can Get the emotions that you're experiencing. Devastating. Danged if you do and danged if you don't. There really is no clear cut answer for the right way to deal with a grown addict child. They have free-will. So no matter what we do or say, they are going to live their lives however they choose. I have been going to a recovery group called Al-Anon for a few years and I have learned more and more how to focus on my own life and health and serenity. We learn a slogan there called the 3 Cs, that is so true. It is: We didn't Cause it, We can't Control it, and We can't Cure it.
You learn to set personal boundaries that are healthy for your own life, because you do not have the power to save theirs. Only they can do that for themselves. If you haven't yet, then I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area to attend regularly. It makes a world of difference in our own sanity and happiness, even in the midst of the peaks of the storm.
You learn to set personal boundaries that are healthy for your own life, because you do not have the power to save theirs. Only they can do that for themselves. If you haven't yet, then I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon meeting in your area to attend regularly. It makes a world of difference in our own sanity and happiness, even in the midst of the peaks of the storm.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello G104, I am another Mom of a heroin addict. he is currently in recovery, but its been a long and arduous path. I find the best way for ME is to keep my boundaries. my son is no longer living under my roof. I let him know that I will always be there for him when he is in recovery, but if he is using, I do not want to be around him. He has called out for help in desperation several times and I get him to the detox. Then he has to go in on his own. I am so tired of the hope for the best. I now enjoy the moments with JJ, but am hesitant on taking it long term for now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Laredo, Texas
Posts: 6
How do I know?
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj 
Hello G104, I am another Mom of a heroin addict. he is currently in recovery, but its been a long and arduous path. I find the best way for ME is to keep my boundaries. my son is no longer living under my roof. I let him know that I will always be there for him when he is in recovery, but if he is using, I do not want to be around him. He has called out for help in desperation several times and I get him to the detox. Then he has to go in on his own. I am so tired of the hope for the best. I now enjoy the moments with JJ, but am hesitant on taking it long term for now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hi G, My son has not lived outside of a rehab setting without relapsing. he is in a long term program that is sober living for people who complete inpatient. I say he is in recovery because he is living in recovery settings. He has not done well on his own. when he tries living outside the recovery community, he immediately falls into bad habits. He has told me that the statistics are that a person who completes a recovery program and then goes into long term sober living (16 months in total) has a 90% chance for long term sobriety. short term rehabs don't give them enough time away from their drug of choice. JJ lives in a home setting with 20 other guys and the program has 3 stages. they get to work and live with some freedom but also have to abide by the zero tolerance rules in the house.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Laredo, Texas
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Ilovemysonjj
Hi G, My son has not lived outside of a rehab setting without relapsing. he is in a long term program that is sober living for people who complete inpatient. I say he is in recovery because he is living in recovery settings. He has not done well on his own. when he tries living outside the recovery community, he immediately falls into bad habits. He has told me that the statistics are that a person who completes a recovery program and then goes into long term sober living (16 months in total) has a 90% chance for long term sobriety. short term rehabs don't give them enough time away from their drug of choice. JJ
lives in a home setting with 20 other guys and the program has 3
stages. they get to work and live with some freedom but also have to abide by the zero tolerance rules in the house.
lives in a home setting with 20 other guys and the program has 3
stages. they get to work and live with some freedom but also have to abide by the zero tolerance rules in the house.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
From my experience with my beautiful Son, you can not believe anything that an addict says unless it is backed up with clear Actions of recovery. You can only believe the way he lives. If there is any doubt, then you know they are still using. I'm sorry to say this because I know that it's deflating to our hopes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
