Handling advice
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 3
Handling advice
Hi. I'm new here. I was wondering if someone could give me some advice...
My mum has been a functioning alcoholic for as long as I can remember, but recently has got a lot worse. The problem is that she isn't in denial, she fully recognises that she self medicates, but point blank refuses to do anything about it. In every other aspect of her life, she is a model citizen. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and despite the vast drinking, will always be up and functioning without a hint of a hangover at 7am the next day. She does suffer depression, but she largely keeps it to her self. She has a supportive husband, but the drinking is putting a big strain on their relationship. I guess what I'm asking is from the view of people who understand what she is going through, how do I help her? My friend died of alcohol related illness a few years back (aged 30). Looking back on it I feel that we made his last year very difficult for him by trying to push him to quit. From that lesson, I'm reluctant to cause my mum the same upset, but at the same time, should I just sit back and do nothing? I've tried telling her the upset and worry it causes me, but it didn't make a whole lot of difference. It's the only aspect of her life that I know she wouldn't go to the ends of the earth to change to make me feel better. I just want to do the best by her, but don't know how to go about it. Thanks.
My mum has been a functioning alcoholic for as long as I can remember, but recently has got a lot worse. The problem is that she isn't in denial, she fully recognises that she self medicates, but point blank refuses to do anything about it. In every other aspect of her life, she is a model citizen. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and despite the vast drinking, will always be up and functioning without a hint of a hangover at 7am the next day. She does suffer depression, but she largely keeps it to her self. She has a supportive husband, but the drinking is putting a big strain on their relationship. I guess what I'm asking is from the view of people who understand what she is going through, how do I help her? My friend died of alcohol related illness a few years back (aged 30). Looking back on it I feel that we made his last year very difficult for him by trying to push him to quit. From that lesson, I'm reluctant to cause my mum the same upset, but at the same time, should I just sit back and do nothing? I've tried telling her the upset and worry it causes me, but it didn't make a whole lot of difference. It's the only aspect of her life that I know she wouldn't go to the ends of the earth to change to make me feel better. I just want to do the best by her, but don't know how to go about it. Thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you've done it--you've expressed your concern. She clearly isn't ready to quit. Sadly, some alcoholics never are.
I'd suggest getting yourself (and your dad, if he's willing to go) to Al-Anon. That can help you to keep your focus on your own life and allow your mum to live hers as she sees fit. It's very difficult to watch a loved one suffer from addiction, but it's impossible to control another person and, really, we don't have the right.
I'd suggest getting yourself (and your dad, if he's willing to go) to Al-Anon. That can help you to keep your focus on your own life and allow your mum to live hers as she sees fit. It's very difficult to watch a loved one suffer from addiction, but it's impossible to control another person and, really, we don't have the right.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, Kookie. I came to SR in 2013 looking to "fix" my mom's alcoholism. I have done everything under the sun to try to "help" her, i.e. heart to heart conversations with both she and my father, angry conversations with both, anonymous sending of rehab literature, trying to enlist the help of relatives, quitting drinking myself in the hopes that she would follow my example, taking months off from the relationship with them, etc. etc. In short, none of this has changed her active alcoholism nor her desire to do anything about it.
With the help of my friends here at SR, some visits to Alanon and a lot of reading, I have come to peace with the fact that my life is my life to lead and hers is hers to lead. The only thing that I can control is how much I let her alcoholism affect me and my children. Truly, I have finally, for the most part, Let Go and Let God.
Welcome to the forum. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me!
With the help of my friends here at SR, some visits to Alanon and a lot of reading, I have come to peace with the fact that my life is my life to lead and hers is hers to lead. The only thing that I can control is how much I let her alcoholism affect me and my children. Truly, I have finally, for the most part, Let Go and Let God.
Welcome to the forum. I hope it helps you as much as it helps me!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
You have expressed your feelings to her, now you need to step back and take care of yourself.
She will quit only, if and when she is ready.
I second Al-anon as a suggestion, working their program helped me enormously. Best wishes to you.
She will quit only, if and when she is ready.
I second Al-anon as a suggestion, working their program helped me enormously. Best wishes to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Maybe you should change your approach. I have been using an approach they utilize over at Smart Recovery and its based on what is called Craft. It helps us learn to interact in different ways and encourages recovery. Its been improving my relationship with my husband and I feel good about it. I recovered from an addiction 5 years ago and what your describing is still partially denial on her part I think, and maybe lack of motivation, feeling like its too big to change. When addicted our thinking is distorted and it tries to protect the status quo.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Originally Posted by AnonWife 
Maybe you should change your approach. I have been using an approach they utilize over at Smart Recovery and its based on what is called Craft. It helps us learn to interact in different ways and encourages recovery. Its been improving my relationship with my husband and I feel good about it. I recovered from an addiction 5 years ago and what your describing is still partially denial on her part I think, and maybe lack of motivation, feeling like its too big to change. When addicted our thinking is distorted and it tries to protect the status quo.
trips, activities, and other positive reinforcement but to no avail.
In the end, she chose alcohol.
Really, at every step she chose alcohol. . .
I think if you want to encourage her great, but not at your expense.
If you are emotionally hurt or stressed by this,
it is perfectly OK to step back.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I wish we could persuade our loved ones to stop drinking. I have a sister who has lost contact with her son, now 22, since he was 15 because of her drinking, but she still won't stop. Even when it was happening, and we offered her rehab, spoke to her, tried everything, drinking was more important than her son's welfare.
My parents drank too much through my sister's and my adolescence; they knew how unhappy it made us but still wouldn't stop.
Summary: you're powerless through love or force or persuasion. Sorry.
My parents drank too much through my sister's and my adolescence; they knew how unhappy it made us but still wouldn't stop.
Summary: you're powerless through love or force or persuasion. Sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 3
Thank you
Thanks everyone. What you are saying makes a lot of sense. I suppose my biggest fear is the worst happening and regretting that I didn't do more, but you are right that you can't force someone to change.
I will mention the al-anon to my step dad and swe what he thinks. Do you think we should be open with my mum about it or not?
I will mention the al-anon to my step dad and swe what he thinks. Do you think we should be open with my mum about it or not?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Kookie, whatever you decide it has to be the decision that is BEST FOR YOU. If you think that by telling her you may somehow motivate her/shame her to change, I think that you will be setting yourself up for more disappointment. (i.e. been there, done that myself) It may make you feel more open and comfortable in the meetings to keep it private because at Alanon the focus is all on you. Otherwise, if you prefer not to have "secrets" and to be out in the open with her, that is your choice, but again, do what makes YOU feel most comfortable and check your motives.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Kookiedoe
I will mention the al-anon to my step dad and swe what he thinks. Do you think we should be open with my mum about it or not?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 18
I get that you love and care about your mum but not why it is your reason to fix her? You are the offspring and beyond caring you need to be getting on with your own livin' my darlin'. She doesn't define you, ask what defines my soul?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 3
I wont lie Doubledragons, the thought that it may be motivational had crossed my mind.
Erky
She is not my responsibility, but other than this one thing, she has always been the perfect mum. I've never wanted for anything and I never felt anything other than safe and loved my entire life. In the same sense I would give anything (not least my time and concern) to do the same in return and make sure that she is living the happiest life she can, whether that be sober or not. She is not a selfish person by nature, in fact, the complete opposite. Heartache and loss have put her in this position and it makes me so sad that someone who has given her everything and has lived a model life could potentially have her life and happiness cut short by addiction brought on by the overwhelming love she has felt for others.
Erky
She is not my responsibility, but other than this one thing, she has always been the perfect mum. I've never wanted for anything and I never felt anything other than safe and loved my entire life. In the same sense I would give anything (not least my time and concern) to do the same in return and make sure that she is living the happiest life she can, whether that be sober or not. She is not a selfish person by nature, in fact, the complete opposite. Heartache and loss have put her in this position and it makes me so sad that someone who has given her everything and has lived a model life could potentially have her life and happiness cut short by addiction brought on by the overwhelming love she has felt for others.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I can only say what I would do.
I would print off this entire thread, responses and all, and give them to her. You obviously love her and fear she is going to suffer the consequences of her own drinking, but your love comes shining through. Just a thought, in someone like her maybe it can motivate her.
Many hugs. So sorry you are going through this.
I would print off this entire thread, responses and all, and give them to her. You obviously love her and fear she is going to suffer the consequences of her own drinking, but your love comes shining through. Just a thought, in someone like her maybe it can motivate her.
Many hugs. So sorry you are going through this.
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