needing to vent
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
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needing to vent
I'm all over the place...head spinning and at the same time I'm feeling like I can't move. I'm surrounded...my alcoholic father refused to speak to me and his grandchildren on Christmas. All I heard over the phone was him yelling and belittling my mom so I wished mom well and hung up. He was drunk...the usual. We had such a great time with my parents in November and I thought maybe things were getting better, he was putting an effort in to bond with my boys. Now everything is back to normal dysfunction. My sister called me again, cursing, blaming trying to twist and manipulate. We haven't spoke in 7 years. She left another nasty message and I just couldn't keep quiet anymore so I called her back. We screamed at each other for 2 hours, she blames me for her awful life. She was drunk I'm sure. She said she is in recovery and only drinks every other weekend. Lol..
My husband is celebrating 6 months sober, which I'm happy for him. We are very distant. We really have no relationship, he still tries to control me, which I'm sure he is successful some of the time. I chose my battles. I'm completely depressed. I want to sleep all the time, I'm okay at work but once I'm home I'm so down. I'm .staying strong for my boys. I went to my psychiatrist this past.week. I told her I'm super depressed so she prescribed me Deplin which is an Rx B12. I'm also on zoloft. My psychiatrist says I'm the one with the problem. She says it's easy to blame my husband for my depression. Her statement threw me...I left crying thinking to myself...how do I not have a right to feel how I feel? I know I can't go on like this anymore. I need to start living my life again. So why can't I move forward? I want to feel better, I want to exercise, I want to take care of me but what the heck is stopping me? Feeling frozen...do I stay or go? My little 14 year old dog has dementia ....yes I know...he cries at night and he keeps my husband from having a good night sleep. I don't hear the dog because I sleep upstairs with the boys. So he is miserable today, complaining he has to clean up the dogs mess at 3am. Then he tells me I need to figure out what to do with the dog. Basically hinting I should put him down. I told him I would like to try calling the vet to see if there is something else we can do. He kept pushing the issue about the dogs life and I got very upset. I.told him it's my decision and he got very angry. He yelled at the dog today, told him to be quiet. Then of course the boys did the same. I told my husband I am going out to dinner with a girlfriend on Thursday. He says, well we will have to see because I'm working. I said, you are not going to be working at night what's the difference? He got irritated and said well we will have to see how things go. I was silent, then he says, why are you being such a bitch? Maybe I made a face or something idk. I just don't know what the heck I'm doing.
My husband is celebrating 6 months sober, which I'm happy for him. We are very distant. We really have no relationship, he still tries to control me, which I'm sure he is successful some of the time. I chose my battles. I'm completely depressed. I want to sleep all the time, I'm okay at work but once I'm home I'm so down. I'm .staying strong for my boys. I went to my psychiatrist this past.week. I told her I'm super depressed so she prescribed me Deplin which is an Rx B12. I'm also on zoloft. My psychiatrist says I'm the one with the problem. She says it's easy to blame my husband for my depression. Her statement threw me...I left crying thinking to myself...how do I not have a right to feel how I feel? I know I can't go on like this anymore. I need to start living my life again. So why can't I move forward? I want to feel better, I want to exercise, I want to take care of me but what the heck is stopping me? Feeling frozen...do I stay or go? My little 14 year old dog has dementia ....yes I know...he cries at night and he keeps my husband from having a good night sleep. I don't hear the dog because I sleep upstairs with the boys. So he is miserable today, complaining he has to clean up the dogs mess at 3am. Then he tells me I need to figure out what to do with the dog. Basically hinting I should put him down. I told him I would like to try calling the vet to see if there is something else we can do. He kept pushing the issue about the dogs life and I got very upset. I.told him it's my decision and he got very angry. He yelled at the dog today, told him to be quiet. Then of course the boys did the same. I told my husband I am going out to dinner with a girlfriend on Thursday. He says, well we will have to see because I'm working. I said, you are not going to be working at night what's the difference? He got irritated and said well we will have to see how things go. I was silent, then he says, why are you being such a bitch? Maybe I made a face or something idk. I just don't know what the heck I'm doing.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
aw honey, you are still in a war zone......and that is a lousy place to be. it is so sad that your H can't stop being a d!ck and can only see an aging dog as an inconvenience. BUT how people treat animals is one of the BEST litmus tests on their overall humanity........while you dog is suffering and needs time and attention and patience, all HE sees is something that messes on the floor and disrupts his sleep. and has the just shoot in the the head mentality.
THAT won't be fixed with sobriety. that's more than a character defect, that's a personality disorder. lack of empathy. when our dog Della has to have reconstructive knee surgery, and was on extremely limited activity for MONTHS, we hauled the guest room mattress to the living room, banned all visitors, and i slept with her on the mattress, so she only had to step up once and i could take her outside whenever she needed. she was on a leash IN the house as the less she moved the better for her knee. every trip outside was on a leash - 2 am, middle of winter, and she has to find THE spot. it was a full six months of recovery. ahem, TWICE as her other knee blew out a few years later.
i think you need to get away from this guy....but that is oh so easy for ME to say. what concerns me most is that you said after HE yelled at the dog, the boys mimicked HIS behavior and yelled at him too.
he sux as a role model. and a husband. but that's just MY useless opinion.
THAT won't be fixed with sobriety. that's more than a character defect, that's a personality disorder. lack of empathy. when our dog Della has to have reconstructive knee surgery, and was on extremely limited activity for MONTHS, we hauled the guest room mattress to the living room, banned all visitors, and i slept with her on the mattress, so she only had to step up once and i could take her outside whenever she needed. she was on a leash IN the house as the less she moved the better for her knee. every trip outside was on a leash - 2 am, middle of winter, and she has to find THE spot. it was a full six months of recovery. ahem, TWICE as her other knee blew out a few years later.
i think you need to get away from this guy....but that is oh so easy for ME to say. what concerns me most is that you said after HE yelled at the dog, the boys mimicked HIS behavior and yelled at him too.
he sux as a role model. and a husband. but that's just MY useless opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
When I was 'lost' ... I went to bed thinking about everything and realized that I was the only one standing in my way, depression or not.
I thought happy thoughts and envisioned that in the morning, I would feel as I had for a while .... but would decide to put my feet on the floor, stand and go forward. To be my best each day and to end this situation that I lived in ... for myself and for my girls.
It grew better each day. I haven't regretted that moment of strength - ever.
My ex-husband was a controlling person. I had enough.
Keep coming back ... I like what Anvilhead wrote "still in a war zone" - so very true.
Hugs
Joie
I thought happy thoughts and envisioned that in the morning, I would feel as I had for a while .... but would decide to put my feet on the floor, stand and go forward. To be my best each day and to end this situation that I lived in ... for myself and for my girls.
It grew better each day. I haven't regretted that moment of strength - ever.
My ex-husband was a controlling person. I had enough.
Keep coming back ... I like what Anvilhead wrote "still in a war zone" - so very true.
Hugs
Joie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by alterity 
Please somehow take care of your dog who is clearly suffering. 14 is quite old so maybe it's not just dementia.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by JOIE12
When I was 'lost' ... I went to bed thinking about everything and realized that I was the only one standing in my way, depression or not.
I thought happy thoughts and envisioned that in the morning, I would feel as I had for a while .... but would decide to put my feet on the floor, stand and go forward. To be my best each day and to end this situation that I lived in ... for myself and for my girls.
It grew better each day. I haven't regretted that moment of strength - ever.
My ex-husband was a controlling person. I had enough.
Keep coming back ... I like what Anvilhead wrote "still in a war zone" - so very true.
Hugs
Joie
I thought happy thoughts and envisioned that in the morning, I would feel as I had for a while .... but would decide to put my feet on the floor, stand and go forward. To be my best each day and to end this situation that I lived in ... for myself and for my girls.
It grew better each day. I haven't regretted that moment of strength - ever.
My ex-husband was a controlling person. I had enough.
Keep coming back ... I like what Anvilhead wrote "still in a war zone" - so very true.
Hugs
Joie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
aw honey, you are still in a war zone......and that is a lousy place to be. it is so sad that your H can't stop being a d!ck and can only see an aging dog as an inconvenience. BUT how people treat animals is one of the BEST litmus tests on their overall humanity........while you dog is suffering and needs time and attention and patience, all HE sees is something that messes on the floor and disrupts his sleep. and has the just shoot in the the head mentality.
THAT won't be fixed with sobriety. that's more than a character defect, that's a personality disorder. lack of empathy. when our dog Della has to have reconstructive knee surgery, and was on extremely limited activity for MONTHS, we hauled the guest room mattress to the living room, banned all visitors, and i slept with her on the mattress, so she only had to step up once and i could take her outside whenever she needed. she was on a leash IN the house as the less she moved the better for her knee. every trip outside was on a leash - 2 am, middle of winter, and she has to find THE spot. it was a full six months of recovery. ahem, TWICE as her other knee blew out a few years later.
i think you need to get away from this guy....but that is oh so easy for ME to say. what concerns me most is that you said after HE yelled at the dog, the boys mimicked HIS behavior and yelled at him too. he sux as a role model. and a husband. but that's just MY useless opinion.
THAT won't be fixed with sobriety. that's more than a character defect, that's a personality disorder. lack of empathy. when our dog Della has to have reconstructive knee surgery, and was on extremely limited activity for MONTHS, we hauled the guest room mattress to the living room, banned all visitors, and i slept with her on the mattress, so she only had to step up once and i could take her outside whenever she needed. she was on a leash IN the house as the less she moved the better for her knee. every trip outside was on a leash - 2 am, middle of winter, and she has to find THE spot. it was a full six months of recovery. ahem, TWICE as her other knee blew out a few years later.
i think you need to get away from this guy....but that is oh so easy for ME to say. what concerns me most is that you said after HE yelled at the dog, the boys mimicked HIS behavior and yelled at him too.
he sux as a role model. and a husband. but that's just MY useless opinion.Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
You are not responsible for his addiction. You are not responsible for his actions. You are not responsible for his attitude and lack of respect.
We would all be better people if we didn't have to protect ourselves from the person who arrived when our loved one stepped out. Sometimes, bad things aren't really 'bad'. They may be strangely wrapped gifts.
He wants you to shoulder the blame for his failures. Let it go. They are master manipulators.
Look forward to a happy life, imagine it, picture it, and then work towards that. You will find great riches in your own decisions. There is no failure. That comes with not being willing to try. You can do this. I would want my sons so far away from him ...
We would all be better people if we didn't have to protect ourselves from the person who arrived when our loved one stepped out. Sometimes, bad things aren't really 'bad'. They may be strangely wrapped gifts.
He wants you to shoulder the blame for his failures. Let it go. They are master manipulators.
Look forward to a happy life, imagine it, picture it, and then work towards that. You will find great riches in your own decisions. There is no failure. That comes with not being willing to try. You can do this. I would want my sons so far away from him ...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Let's break this down so you can see it.
What exactly do you feel guilty for?
He is an adult correct?
I had someone tell me something once that hit home. When you protect and enable the addict/(or pick whatever issue the person has and insert here), you are HURTING THEM MORE. The only chance they ever have to change is to face consequences for their own behaviors. When you protect them from their own bad behaviors, you are actually only hurting their recovery, or lack of, even more.
Wow. Those are some powerful words that I hope you let sink in because you are feeling guilty, which means you are still protecting him from his own bad behavior. Your little guy for example: You said dad yelled at the dog, so of course he did too. It's modeling bad behavior for your children to learn and exhibit themselves. That should really make you take an evaluation of what you truly want for the future.
Tight hugs. I say all of this with kindness and experience from being right there myself.
What exactly do you feel guilty for?
He is an adult correct?
I had someone tell me something once that hit home. When you protect and enable the addict/(or pick whatever issue the person has and insert here), you are HURTING THEM MORE. The only chance they ever have to change is to face consequences for their own behaviors. When you protect them from their own bad behaviors, you are actually only hurting their recovery, or lack of, even more.
Wow. Those are some powerful words that I hope you let sink in because you are feeling guilty, which means you are still protecting him from his own bad behavior. Your little guy for example: You said dad yelled at the dog, so of course he did too. It's modeling bad behavior for your children to learn and exhibit themselves. That should really make you take an evaluation of what you truly want for the future.
Tight hugs. I say all of this with kindness and experience from being right there myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Delray Beach, Florida
Posts: 215
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Let's break this down so you can see it.
What exactly do you feel guilty for?
He is an adult correct?
I had someone tell me something once that hit home. When you protect and enable the addict/(or pick whatever issue the person has and insert here), you are HURTING THEM MORE. The only chance they ever have to change is to face consequences for their own behaviors. When you protect them from their own bad behaviors, you are actually only hurting their recovery, or lack of, even more.
Wow. Those are some powerful words that I hope you let sink in because you are feeling guilty, which means you are still protecting him from his own bad behavior. Your little guy for example: You said dad yelled at the dog, so of course he did too. It's modeling bad behavior for your children to learn and exhibit themselves. That should really make you take an evaluation of what you truly want for the future.
Tight hugs. I say all of this with kindness and experience from being right there myself.
What exactly do you feel guilty for?
He is an adult correct?
I had someone tell me something once that hit home. When you protect and enable the addict/(or pick whatever issue the person has and insert here), you are HURTING THEM MORE. The only chance they ever have to change is to face consequences for their own behaviors. When you protect them from their own bad behaviors, you are actually only hurting their recovery, or lack of, even more.
Wow. Those are some powerful words that I hope you let sink in because you are feeling guilty, which means you are still protecting him from his own bad behavior. Your little guy for example: You said dad yelled at the dog, so of course he did too. It's modeling bad behavior for your children to learn and exhibit themselves. That should really make you take an evaluation of what you truly want for the future.
Tight hugs. I say all of this with kindness and experience from being right there myself.
In all honesty I'm waiting for him to do something bad to justify my decision to leave. I think it sounds pathetic but I'm so afraid of making the wrong choice. I'm also afraid of his reaction...He will say something like this...."I can't believe you are leaving our marriage, I've been doing so well, I'm doing everything I can to be better. I have goals this year and we're going to move out of our tiny home into something bigger, and I really want to get into a new profession, maybe own a business. You're going to split up the family?" I don't want to deal with his response and/or his way of making me feel like crap. He says he is excited about his future. He just took a job and starts tomorrow. He will only get fired in 6 months...that's his track record. He has been fired from the same position at least 6 times...says he is taking this job because he needs a pay check and he will continue to look for more desirable work in the meantime.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You don't need a better reason to leave a relationship beyond being unfulfilled by it, right now. What he or anyone else thinks about the choices you make for yourself and your children are problems that are entirely not your responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm also afraid of his reaction...
Up until a couple of years ago, I lived my whole life based on this. Of course I was never really happy or fulfilled. All of my validation came from sources outside of myself.
Sounds like he has a lot of grand plans for someone who can't hold down a job for more than 6 months. My ex had a lot of potential too, but never quite managed to pull the trigger on actually accomplishing anything. He also said all that same bs about me breaking up the family, like his behavior had nothing to do with my decision to leave.
And really, if he actually follows through on everything, there's no reason you guys can't get back together in a couple of years and move into his mansion and run the business together. But right now you have to do what is best for you and the kids.
Sending hugs. I know this is rough.
Up until a couple of years ago, I lived my whole life based on this. Of course I was never really happy or fulfilled. All of my validation came from sources outside of myself.
Sounds like he has a lot of grand plans for someone who can't hold down a job for more than 6 months. My ex had a lot of potential too, but never quite managed to pull the trigger on actually accomplishing anything. He also said all that same bs about me breaking up the family, like his behavior had nothing to do with my decision to leave.
And really, if he actually follows through on everything, there's no reason you guys can't get back together in a couple of years and move into his mansion and run the business together. But right now you have to do what is best for you and the kids.
Sending hugs. I know this is rough.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I basically did the same, waited for my X to do some awful thing, which he did. It was miserable, and a waste of my own time. Thing is, he has to learn to handle real life, which will come with major stressors. It's his own choice to choose to relapse, or not.
Many, many hugs. I am not trying to push you one way or another, just sharing how it went for my own situation.
Many, many hugs. I am not trying to push you one way or another, just sharing how it went for my own situation.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
My heart hurts for you and I love the kind suggestions shown here.
I like the analogy of the circus...not my circus, not my monkeys...for using when tempted to try to fix those who don't want fixing, and who we couldn't fix even if they did.
"Letting go" is very hard emotionally but letting go is what we must do. I found that distracting myself when I was tempted to hang on or butt in helped and usually stopped me from making a big mistake.
For me walking in nature helps a lot, hobby photography takes me to a happy place, and meetings have always brought me peace and support from those who understand me.
Big hugs from my heart to yours.
I like the analogy of the circus...not my circus, not my monkeys...for using when tempted to try to fix those who don't want fixing, and who we couldn't fix even if they did.
"Letting go" is very hard emotionally but letting go is what we must do. I found that distracting myself when I was tempted to hang on or butt in helped and usually stopped me from making a big mistake.
For me walking in nature helps a lot, hobby photography takes me to a happy place, and meetings have always brought me peace and support from those who understand me.
Big hugs from my heart to yours.
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