kind of an ettiquette question about aa relationships... advice please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Seattle
Posts: 70
kind of an ettiquette question about aa relationships... advice please
I'm going to try to keep this brief... I'm in my late 30's and I just started attending AA meetings about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I like them a lot, I have a sponsor.
One of the reasons I was reluctant to attend meeting is that I had a really bad experience when I tried to get into it in my late teens/early 20's. With creepy men who attend meetings and then want to try to chat with me about how I need to "open up more" or how they can "help" me. It really blow my mind how flagrant some of these guys can be. For anyone reading this, please don't post about how it never happens at your meetings, that's not helpful. There are men predatory enough to try to exploit a therapeutic environment.
When I decided to start attending meetings again, I knew I wouldn't use my real first name. There are only maybe 3 or total 5 people in the world with my first name, seriously. If you type my first name into google my last name comes up. My name also has a specific meaning and origin and I don't want to give up that information about myself. So I used a name that is basically a shortened form or nickname of my name. But nobody really calls me that except for the people at meetings. I like my "aa name" and I glad I decided to go with it. In the 10 or so meetings I've attended there have already been a few men that make me very uncomfortable and I don't want them knowing who I am.
The thing is, I've become friendly with a number of the women in my group(s) and even started hanging out with a few of them socially. I kind of want to tell them my real name but I don't want everyone to wind up knowing it. Does anyone have any advice?
One of the reasons I was reluctant to attend meeting is that I had a really bad experience when I tried to get into it in my late teens/early 20's. With creepy men who attend meetings and then want to try to chat with me about how I need to "open up more" or how they can "help" me. It really blow my mind how flagrant some of these guys can be. For anyone reading this, please don't post about how it never happens at your meetings, that's not helpful. There are men predatory enough to try to exploit a therapeutic environment.
When I decided to start attending meetings again, I knew I wouldn't use my real first name. There are only maybe 3 or total 5 people in the world with my first name, seriously. If you type my first name into google my last name comes up. My name also has a specific meaning and origin and I don't want to give up that information about myself. So I used a name that is basically a shortened form or nickname of my name. But nobody really calls me that except for the people at meetings. I like my "aa name" and I glad I decided to go with it. In the 10 or so meetings I've attended there have already been a few men that make me very uncomfortable and I don't want them knowing who I am.
The thing is, I've become friendly with a number of the women in my group(s) and even started hanging out with a few of them socially. I kind of want to tell them my real name but I don't want everyone to wind up knowing it. Does anyone have any advice?
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
There is a good friend of mine in the rooms who is in similar circumstances. His AA name is SD (close, but you'll get the point). He is known as SD because at one time he was a bartender and they had strawberry daiquiri nights - he made a lot of them over time = SD. When he came in he did not want others to know his real name and today only a few of us do.
What did your sponsor advise? Can you simply ask her the question and get some input based on her knowledge of the groups dynamics?
13 stepping isn't uncommon and you are smart to protect your privacy - the overly friendly gent may have just done 10 years in prison. Unfortunately predation is indeed out there in varying degrees. Have you considered women's meetings?
Good for you on going to meetings! There is time to sort through things - keep going and you'll find the answers, certainly.
What did your sponsor advise? Can you simply ask her the question and get some input based on her knowledge of the groups dynamics?
13 stepping isn't uncommon and you are smart to protect your privacy - the overly friendly gent may have just done 10 years in prison. Unfortunately predation is indeed out there in varying degrees. Have you considered women's meetings?
Good for you on going to meetings! There is time to sort through things - keep going and you'll find the answers, certainly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Hi Sarai,
First off yes I have seen it in AA meetings, I have even seen it in detox when AA comes in and I saw it once in a 28 day program when they came in, in fact I said something to the older guy after the meeting.....I was pretty direct as she had become a friend and he was much, much older and she came to me later as she wanted to talk about how uncomfortable she was, it was clear as day, honestly it makes me upset and very uncomfortable and yes I am a guy, I just do not think that environment is the time or place, pretty simple.
As for telling your AA girlfriends, if you feel you need to the go ahead, otherwise I personally would stick with whatever name you have chosen unless its really eating you up, personally its all good.
Hope you are having a great day
Andrew
First off yes I have seen it in AA meetings, I have even seen it in detox when AA comes in and I saw it once in a 28 day program when they came in, in fact I said something to the older guy after the meeting.....I was pretty direct as she had become a friend and he was much, much older and she came to me later as she wanted to talk about how uncomfortable she was, it was clear as day, honestly it makes me upset and very uncomfortable and yes I am a guy, I just do not think that environment is the time or place, pretty simple.
As for telling your AA girlfriends, if you feel you need to the go ahead, otherwise I personally would stick with whatever name you have chosen unless its really eating you up, personally its all good.
Hope you are having a great day
Andrew
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi. Just wondered, why do you feel the need to tell them your full name? I don't think there's anything wrong with using a shortened version - there is no need to tell anyone your full name.
I really hope that you don't have any creepy men to deal with this time round. If you do, I suggest you discuss it with the other ladies there, and suggest to them that you all stick together. It might also be worth mentioning it to the group secretary. I've never had this experience of it myself, but my sponsor did allude to one troublesome bloke that used to go to my meeting (years ago), and that someone took him to one side and explained that it was inappropriate and unacceptable. Apparently that was enough to make this person realise and stop his nonsense.
I really hope that you don't have any creepy men to deal with this time round. If you do, I suggest you discuss it with the other ladies there, and suggest to them that you all stick together. It might also be worth mentioning it to the group secretary. I've never had this experience of it myself, but my sponsor did allude to one troublesome bloke that used to go to my meeting (years ago), and that someone took him to one side and explained that it was inappropriate and unacceptable. Apparently that was enough to make this person realise and stop his nonsense.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by 3arai 
Thanks FnB, I really appreciate you taking the time
I need to sit down with my sponsor and go over some step work stuff sometime within the next week so I will bring it up to her.
I need to sit down with my sponsor and go over some step work stuff sometime within the next week so I will bring it up to her.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 166
Dear 3, Unfortunately that happens a lot. We always called it 13th stepping. People who mix their sexual gratification needs with recovery. Its just plain wrong on so many levels. Its also not just men. I know young men who have had the same problem. And a former co-worker of mine who was a lesbian said that sex with sponsors and the people they were supposed to be sponsoring was a very common problem in her lesbian specific groups. Maybe you can find a gender specific group and maybe that would help? But you should feel safe in your meetings and not have people try to take advantage of you. I hope you find a safe place. Sending you hope. John
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Yeah I don't think there is anything wrong with sticking to a nickname.
I think it's important to be diligent when it comes to people, even online there can be predators as well as in many walks of life.
No harm in looking out for yourself on this one Sarai!!
I think it's important to be diligent when it comes to people, even online there can be predators as well as in many walks of life.
No harm in looking out for yourself on this one Sarai!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
youd prolly be surprised how many people in the world dont use their real. name many people have nicknames they use.
just look on this site. not too many use their real name.
as for the predators, youre allowed to stand up for yourself and tell em to back off.
ill even suggest bringin it up as a topic at a meeting and ask for advise on how to deal with them.
just look on this site. not too many use their real name.
as for the predators, youre allowed to stand up for yourself and tell em to back off.
ill even suggest bringin it up as a topic at a meeting and ask for advise on how to deal with them.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Seattle
Posts: 70
just an update-- I think I am done with the meetings. I'm not trying to be inflammatory here or start a debate but this thing is really bugging me.
I know I can stand up for myself that's not the issue. I don't feel like talking about myself or my life openly in a room with someone who is happy to harass me. Frankly the men who have hit on me would have to be delusional to think I would do anything with them.
at my last meeting I picked up a chip and the guy who was giving out chips hugged me. there was also another attractive woman who did the same. Then this gross old guy with 50-something years of sobriety yells out "damn I wish I had given out the chips tonight" and a bunch of people laughed. Really I was stunned. wtf??? I'm so sick of creeps in aa. I'm surprised nobody says anything to them, it's obvious to me this kind of thing is common, the way it's so accepted.
eta: some of the women in the meetings have warned me about certain guys and it doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel worse. They know there are predatory men in the rooms, they know who they are, and these men are allowed to continually keep coming back, so what does that say?
It sucks there are some nice ladies there but I genuinely don't feel safe in AA
I know I can stand up for myself that's not the issue. I don't feel like talking about myself or my life openly in a room with someone who is happy to harass me. Frankly the men who have hit on me would have to be delusional to think I would do anything with them.
at my last meeting I picked up a chip and the guy who was giving out chips hugged me. there was also another attractive woman who did the same. Then this gross old guy with 50-something years of sobriety yells out "damn I wish I had given out the chips tonight" and a bunch of people laughed. Really I was stunned. wtf??? I'm so sick of creeps in aa. I'm surprised nobody says anything to them, it's obvious to me this kind of thing is common, the way it's so accepted.
eta: some of the women in the meetings have warned me about certain guys and it doesn't make me feel better it makes me feel worse. They know there are predatory men in the rooms, they know who they are, and these men are allowed to continually keep coming back, so what does that say?
It sucks there are some nice ladies there but I genuinely don't feel safe in AA
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Sarai, for what it's worth I would talk to your lady friends, also Seattle is a big place, I am assuming there are numerous meetings, if it's helping you stay sober, please find one.
In closing I am sorry you had to go through what you did.
All the best
Andrew
In closing I am sorry you had to go through what you did.
All the best
Andrew
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Seattle
Posts: 70
i'm not in Seattle, I put a different city name in my profile. but i do live in a big city and there are a number of different ones within a 20 minute drive.
I have been to about 5 different meetings a few times each over the last few months. already there was one I liked but I had to stop attending because of a guy there.
To me it's crazy that I am the one who has to shop around for meetings to avoid creeps. And what's the point? apparently any weirdo can just stroll right into whatever meeting I choose and speak to me or about me however he wants and the solution is that I can leave (again). I'm so over it.
eta: the only thing the other women have told me is to avoid certain men and ignore them. I'm already doing that. It's not like I go to aa meetings to court attention. i was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but I feel so icky about my experiences over the last couple of weeks.
I have been to about 5 different meetings a few times each over the last few months. already there was one I liked but I had to stop attending because of a guy there.
To me it's crazy that I am the one who has to shop around for meetings to avoid creeps. And what's the point? apparently any weirdo can just stroll right into whatever meeting I choose and speak to me or about me however he wants and the solution is that I can leave (again). I'm so over it.
eta: the only thing the other women have told me is to avoid certain men and ignore them. I'm already doing that. It's not like I go to aa meetings to court attention. i was supposed to go to a meeting tonight but I feel so icky about my experiences over the last couple of weeks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Really sorry to hear that, are there any all women groups?
As for meetings, in my case it was rare that I would enjoy the first time with a new group so I gave each of them 3 tries. Now take this for what it's worth, I am have never used drugs, ever other than prescribed medications as prescribed, my issue has always been alcohol however you know I enjoy and get more out of a NA meeting than AA so I go to NA as well, they see alcohol as a drug and welcome you, the format is a bit different and no you do not need to talk, maybe consider trying one. Just trying to come up with some ideas for you, I am also going to PM you a link of an aa group that I go to online, I searched and searched tried many, this one is amazing and in between meetings there is always someone there to chat with.
Keep us updated
As for meetings, in my case it was rare that I would enjoy the first time with a new group so I gave each of them 3 tries. Now take this for what it's worth, I am have never used drugs, ever other than prescribed medications as prescribed, my issue has always been alcohol however you know I enjoy and get more out of a NA meeting than AA so I go to NA as well, they see alcohol as a drug and welcome you, the format is a bit different and no you do not need to talk, maybe consider trying one. Just trying to come up with some ideas for you, I am also going to PM you a link of an aa group that I go to online, I searched and searched tried many, this one is amazing and in between meetings there is always someone there to chat with.
Keep us updated
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Seattle
Posts: 70
Thank you I'm not trying to be difficult but I'm in a bad mood.
there is a once a week womens aa meeting about 12 minutes away from me. I will try that. i will also check na groups, maybe some womens ones.
I'm not trying to be difficult but I'm in a bad mood.there is a once a week womens aa meeting about 12 minutes away from me. I will try that. i will also check na groups, maybe some womens ones.
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