honeypig

If you've been around here for a while, you've probably heard the phrase "like going to the hardware store for bread" or some variation of that. And you probably know it means looking for something that they just don't have there.

This is the January 2 reading from "Courage to Change", and it goes into a little more detail. Thought folks might like to check it out:

January 2

Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill are overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have led us down.
Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love in Al-Anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate, and to treat ourselves as deserving.

Today's Reminder
Today the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire. And no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.

"In Al-Anon I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic, over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes."
One Day at a Time in Al-Anon

LexieCat

Thanks for sharing this, honeypig, it expresses the idea so beautifully. One of the many things I've learned in living alone is to meet my own dang needs. I can remember being in a constant state of disappointment when other people let me down. Now I just sort of know not to expect certain things.

Example: I used to feel fairly resentful that my brother has NEVER, in the 35 years I've lived on the East Coast, come to visit. He gets out this way every so often, but never once suggested stopping over or even meeting me somewhere (I did manage to meet with him for lunch ONCE when he was in NY for an award he was receiving). We aren't estranged, but I've finally come to accept that he just isn't someone who visits family that way. We have a cordial (though slightly distant) relationship, but visiting just isn't in the cards (I usually meet him for lunch once a year when I'm in Colorado). He's a good guy, we are both proud of each other's accomplishments, but I've saved myself a huge amount of anger and disappointment by accepting him for how he is. I know it isn't personal.

NYCDoglvr

Thank you, Honeypig. Letting go of expectations has helped all my relationships perhaps more than anything else I've done. It certainly helps keep resentments in check.

Bekindalways

I do have to do expectation adjustments on a semi regular basis. I can look back on past relationships and realize that I expected things that people had no capability of giving even if it seemed reasonable from the outside like Lexicat's brother visiting. It just isn't going to happen.