caretaker88

I haven't posted in a while, but I have been reading the posts here often and gathering strength. Well, it is finally happening. My ABF is going to treatment on Monday! Yay!

However, this week has been an absolute whirlwind of emotions, anger and preparation. He had to wait until today, after starting the process last week, to have his intake interview with the treatment facility... something about needing to wait until the first of the year, due to insurance reasons. Whatever, I don't care. He gave his notice that he is going on medical leave from work yesterday, filed his short-term disability claims with his insurance, got approval from his insurance today that they are covering his treatment stay (28 days and possibly longer). Everything is lined up. I really wish he could have packed up and left today, but the treatment facility was not going to have an opening until Monday, which is fine, because I know they are one of the best in the country.

Here is my situation... I have no idea how to handle him right now. He is an absolute roller coaster of emotions. He goes from happy to crying in an instant. Or to anger directed at me, or his ex-wife, or his kids, or the world. I am so afraid that he will continue to be a complete a-hole when he gets home.

I know that while he is gone, I need to take care of myself. I signed up for a gym and some exercise classes last week. I am going to try a new alanon group on Tuesday, which I hope works out because the last one I just didn't mesh with. I am also completing my master's degree right now and attending school full-time (I will be done in March), work full-time, and have my 2 boys to take care of. I am working things out with his ex-wife to help out with their son and daughter as well. She is going to help me out as much as she can too, because I work the night shift and ABF used to be home with the kids while I was at work.

I guess I am both struggling and numb at the same time. He is so emotional right now and I am having a hard time with empathy. I think I have detached so much over the last few months that I am almost disconnected. I think I had resolved to leave him if he didn't get help, and I was at the point when I thought he was all talk when it came to getting help. Now he is actually getting help and I do not know how to engage again. I am worried that I might have detached too much. I know I love him, but I am worried that he might have lost me... This is such a weird feeling! It has always been about him, but now that I am truly concentrating on me, I feel like I really don't know where to start or how to feel.

Has anyone ever had these feelings? I really need some direction. Or reassurance? Or something?

dandylion

caretaker88......here is my advice: In addition to the alanon group....find a licensed alcohol counselor WHO IS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC, THEMSELVES......They will be able to fill you in on what to expect in "early recovery" and advise you on how to proceed without enabling......
You might, also, take in a open AA meetings, yourself.......
It is good to know what you are up against....

From my point of view......stay detached! You have to be somewhat detached in order to do the things you have to do for yourself......
Actually.....I am of the view that it is better if they live separate from the family in early recovery.....like at a sober living house, etc.....
But, I gather that y ou are dependent on him for child care...?

If he truly is committed and works a program like he should.....he will need a wide berth from you....He will have lots of people to support him in his recovery efforts.....a sponsor, a counselor, and all the members of AA.....
You need to attend to your world...which sound pretty full, right now.....

dandylion

caretaker88

Thank you Dandy. I really appreciate the advice. There is a CD counselor where I work that has been sober for about 15 years. He is an alcoholic as well. I think that he would be a good person to talk to because he also knows my ABF pretty well and I have always had a good working relationship with him. I think I will reach out to him.

I talked to ABF's ex-wife for quite awhile today as well. She was able to fill me in on how he acts when he gets home. He has been to treatment one other time in the past when they were married. It was nice to get some insight and to also have an ally in this.

As far as sober housing, there really isn't any in our area. Honestly. We live in a very rural area. I know that he was talking to the treatment center today and they were looking as well. The only one in our area caters only to vets. The next closest one is over an hour away, which isn't feasible with his work schedule. The longest he is able to take off from work without losing his health insurance coverage is 60 days, which he cannot do because he covers his children as well. He is planning to stay at the treatment center for 30 and possibly an additional 30 in day treatment there as well, but only if insurance will cover it. We do not have the means to pay out of pocket.

Thank you for all of your suggestions. I really appreciate it.
CT

CodeJob

Hello Caretaker,

I put the decision on whether or not my marriage would survive on the back burner while I worked the steps. It was very difficult and many days I'd feel strongly like I was done or not done. I was pretty wild in swings. In time, I saw those swings as evidence I was not ready to make a decision.

Your plate sounds very full. For any normal person, finishing grad school and raising kids is a full plate. You don't have to make any big decisions today or tomorrow regarding the relationship. You can punt it all and just wait and see.

Be well!