lisatryingagain

Hi. Im a mess, but I have been reading on here for hours today and it really does help.

I got to 14 months without drinking or benzos in October 2014, then started trying to socially drink - after only 2 months I was drinking in the morning again. Then I stopped for a few months and then started drinking socially again in August . Its been a tough learning experience. I returned to drinking in the mornings.....
Im at a point now where I feel very lost and hopeless....but this website really helped me get to 14 months, and I'm hoping it can help me again - but this time without an end date.

I know things can get better, but I'm also very fearful and sceptical that things will ever get better.

I feel like such a failure in all areas of my life, and see that I regularly self sabotage.
I am hoping I will be able to look back at this post in a few weeks and months time and find that things are better.....
But as someone rather wise posted previously if they aren't better at least ill be sober and sad rather than drunk and sad.

Steely

Me too. Hard trying to find yourself when lost so long. But better that than a return to the death spiral.

Dee74

I'm sure things will not only look better but be better Lisa

Do you have a plan this time around?

D

lisatryingagain

Thanks Dee,

Yes I have a plan, then I had one last time too but then I got cocky....

My biggest concern is I have a wedding to attend in a month - and as well as the alcohol being there there will be people who I am ridiculously anxious about having to see. But I guess I have to just take it one day at a time, or better still one minute at a time.

lisatryingagain

Thanks Steely,
I think a major thing for me is how lonely I am. I really need to make connecting to other people a part of my life again. When I was doing well I was reaching out to people who cared about me regularly. And then I stopped....

SoberinSyracuse

This is all too familiar. I've quit twice but relapsed when I tried to "just have one." It happened because I found myself face-to-face with having to choose between protecting my sobriety and some other priority. This time, I'm deciding that nothing but nothing is more important than recovery. I'm resolved to skip any activity, drop any obligation, and pass up any business opportunity that I think may put me at risk.

If you aren't positive you can get through the wedding, I think you should skip it. I realize that may be awkward and folks may be mad at you but for people like us, recovery is a matter of life and death.

I'm just starting on my journey, and I'm already weathering consequences of telling people NO to the "obligations" they want to put on me.

And for loneliness....that's pretty normal for us at this stage. Google "state dependent learning" -- if we've been drinking for a long time, our social skills get trapped in the state of being drunk and we have to learn how to tap into them sober. Weirdest feeling. I'm lonely, but have no clue how to go connect with people!

least

I hope the awesome support here can help you get sober for good.

lisatryingagain

Thanks Soberinsyracuse and Least.

I will google state dependent learning, that kind of makes sense actually.

loulou1981

Hi Lisa, wow u did so well before. Yes i believe that not having an end date is very important. Uve tried to go back to moderate drinking & it hasn't worked, so accept that total sobriety is ur only way!x

Mel12

My practice has been to skip anything where there is risk. At first I was concerned about offending people and having to field awkward questions. Now I just decline risky events without any concern. Maybe someday I can go to risky events, but right now my intuition tells me to avoid them.

lisatryingagain

Thanks Mel, I am sure you are right. that's a large part of how I got to 14 months, I didn't really go out at night at all, or to places with booze. I'm dreading telling my girlfriend, whose wedding it is, but I guess she will understand.

I've never actually called myself an alcoholic to myself or others, I staunchly insisted to myself I was someone with a drinking problem. I hate the negative connotations of the label alcoholic.... but I think maybe this time around I need to work at changing my attitude to that one. Along with a few other things. I tried casual dating this year and it was really hard to do that without alcohol... as much as I would love someone in my life. Plus when things didn't work out - which they didn't of course - who would want to date me right now - it was a great excuse to drink alone repeatedly.

Steps1

Hi,

Some of my thoughts might not be the same as others on the site. You are doing an amazing job - I really mean it. Your insight into your problems is great. I don't find it helpful to count up sober days and then count up drunk ("failed") days - it's all completely normal and understandable on the path to recovery. Counting just creates a framework to judge yourself as a failure. (I know it helps some people.)

Baby steps. One hour at a time. If you like AA go to three groups a day. If you don't (I didn't), there are other great groups (we have SMART recovery here, I'm not sure where else they are - this really saved me). Be very gentle with yourself. Sunlight, outdoors, regular meals, human contact, gentle exercise if possible and sleep.

Ditch the wedding. Or better yet, don't even think about it right now - decide later. A month is a long time, you might be ok.

Talk to your dr about antabuse or other meds. I'm taking it now. You take it every morning and it stops you from drinking - ie you get really, horribly sick if you consume any alcohol. It is the only reason I'm sober at the moment (my willpower is not great, I'm working on it). It's a great bridging tool while you sort yourself out.

And most importantly, please try to remind yourself not to feel ashamed. Go to counselling or a therapy group. You are doing an incredible job, even in spite of all the promises you've broken to yourself. This is life. I promise you everything will be ok.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Lisa, lean on SR for support, we're in your corner!!

lisatryingagain

Thankyou Steps and Purple Knight for the encouraging words.

I have been to SMART groups. And they were great, they really helped me get to 14 months, that and SR.

I have a lot of very negative self talk, which I kind of know I need to get help with. But I also have some trauma things which I am not feeling ready to face and discuss, so I am not sure if therapy would work right now, if I'm not ready to face some of the stuff... though ideally a good therapist would respect that I guess and go at my pace.

Steely

I've got trauma stuff too Lisa - PTSD. A good therapist would and should work at your pace. As for loneliness I'm finding more friends in the real sense on SR than I found in any pub in town. And then there's drinking alone.......how sad and lonely is that......we'll get there Lisa.......and we'll be our own best friend.

teatreeoil007

Hi Lisa and welcome! I'd be mightily tempted to skip that wedding if I were you. Early sobriety can be a fragile time and you don't need any pressure or temptation crossing your path. It's okay to stay home! Sometimes that is the safest bet.

Many addicts have rituals as part of their addiction. Well, it's time to create a new "routine" for yourself that does not involve or require drugs or alcohol. Before you go to sleep tonight, make a list of a "morning routine" to get you off and rollin'. Keep it simple and easy to follow with nothing to taxing on your brain. When you start to feel anxious (and you likely will) - stop, breathe, and relax. It's sort of like you are needing to "rewire" your brain: break old routines/rituals and start new ones.

Check in with SR whenever you need to and for moral support, ideas, or whatever. You can do this.

JohnQPublic

Hey Lisa, I believe in you. You can do this. We are all in the same shaky boat and we can make it together. You said shame in the title. You know the difference between shame and guilt? Guilt is " I did something bad" shame is "I am Bad" You are not bad. we all feel guilt when we relapse but whatever you call it, a slip, whatever, you are not bad because of it. Your just displaying a crazy symptom of this stupid disease we all share. You are here despite the setback. Be proud and just decide not to drink tomorrow and let the rest take care of itself. We will be here. Much caring and respect. John

teatreeoil007

Don't let shame hold you back. Kick it out the door. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

KiKi0615

Welcome Lisa! I'm only 50 days sober so not much to add but the tools that are working for me right now are:
1. Staying active in the November 2015 class here on SR.
2. Reading other SR posts
3. Attending AA (which I really like) & working the steps with a sponsor
4. Working with a psychologist 1-2 times per week to address childhood trauma/PTSD etc
5. Self-care: exercise, sleep, healthy eating etc

So far so good but I definitely have days that I am NOT graceful about it! There are some days that I swear everything I touch turns to sh-t but as long as I didn't drink that day it was still a good day.

Maybe you could join the January 2016 class?

lisatryingagain

Thanks so much everyone. I haven't had a drink since 3 am yesterday, and I have no intention of having one today.

I just had a shower, and am eating some soup that was in the freezer, and feeling grateful that there are very kind strangers in the world.

I like the idea of getting a morning ritual... mornings are hard for me. I wake up with a panic attack type of sensation often (even when I went 14 months without drinking), and after not sleeping well lay in bed for hours feeling miserable if I don't have to go to work. And I don't ever sleep well. But I can see I use being tired as an excuse to create a self fulfilling prophecy.... on the rare occasions I do manage to get up quickly I feel better, especially if I go to the gym in the morning.... But procrastination and feeling sorry for myself are things I am very good at.

I will try to come up with an easy routine . Thanks again everyone.