So ashamed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Devon, UK
Posts: 59
So ashamed
I'm struggling to stay sober. I've been a closet drinker for about 8 years, vodka in secret, wine in public. Far too much of both.
I've decided that listing a few of the things I've done as a result of alcohol might help me release some of my shame and make 'sober me' stronger.
Wonder how many of you identify with these:
Sneaking shots of vodka at my then 5 year old sons birthday party.
Picking kids up from school after downing half a bottle of vodka (walk not drive thankfully)
Hiding empties under middle sons bed which he then found and the look of disappointment on my husbands face when he realised I was drinking in secret again.
Replacing contents of a bottle of red wine with water and food colouring so hubby thought I'd just had half a bottle when infact I'd had a whole bottle plus my usual secret half bottle of vodka.
Passing out for a couple of hours, (mummy needs a nap) then talking bollocks when I wake up as I have no idea what time it is or what day and I'm just winging it until I can work it out.
Sitting in a supermarket car park decanting newly purchased vodka into empty water bottles to take home.
Realising my eldest son (then 8) had seen me sneaking a drink from my secret bottle which I stashed unde my wardrobe when he said to me 'I've got a secret hiding place too mummy'
I could go on and on. Just writing these down opens the old wounds and strengthens my resolve to get sober.
I pray that with the help of the SR community I can do it this time.
I've decided that listing a few of the things I've done as a result of alcohol might help me release some of my shame and make 'sober me' stronger.
Wonder how many of you identify with these:
Sneaking shots of vodka at my then 5 year old sons birthday party.
Picking kids up from school after downing half a bottle of vodka (walk not drive thankfully)
Hiding empties under middle sons bed which he then found and the look of disappointment on my husbands face when he realised I was drinking in secret again.
Replacing contents of a bottle of red wine with water and food colouring so hubby thought I'd just had half a bottle when infact I'd had a whole bottle plus my usual secret half bottle of vodka.
Passing out for a couple of hours, (mummy needs a nap) then talking bollocks when I wake up as I have no idea what time it is or what day and I'm just winging it until I can work it out.
Sitting in a supermarket car park decanting newly purchased vodka into empty water bottles to take home.
Realising my eldest son (then 8) had seen me sneaking a drink from my secret bottle which I stashed unde my wardrobe when he said to me 'I've got a secret hiding place too mummy'
I could go on and on. Just writing these down opens the old wounds and strengthens my resolve to get sober.
I pray that with the help of the SR community I can do it this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Devon, UK
Posts: 59
You're right Lisa we can do this. I managed 6 months last year before my AV got the better of me and convinced me I could handle a few drinks now and again. Within weeks I was up to my old tricks.
I now picture my AV as a spiteful jealous trouble maker, helps me to ignore her.
I now picture my AV as a spiteful jealous trouble maker, helps me to ignore her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Time to draw a line once and for all under alcohol, it's doing you no favours, only causing misery!!
Get a plan together, and make it happen, though nothing changes if nothing changes, when I finally accepted and parted ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, life started to look up!!
You can do this!!
Get a plan together, and make it happen, though nothing changes if nothing changes, when I finally accepted and parted ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, life started to look up!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Nova Scotia
Posts: 801
Thank you for sharing, just remember those events are in the past and I smiled when I saw you mention your AV.
This AV will go to any length to get us to drink, sometimes subtle wearing us down, sometimes pretty loud. I believe, or at least in my case, it will try anything, make me ashamed, fear, guilt and then try to convince me the best way to deal with it is to have a drink.
My AV's issue is I am onto it big time, I am paying very close attention and I am sure it is very frustrated as is yours for reaching out and sharing.
We are here for you and each other, that is one of the many tools that can and will keep us sober.
All the best in 2016 and come back often, even if it's to read another story shared, one thing I do know is no matter what I have done, someone else can relate and help, that is why forums like this work, many of us have been there and are now working on staying sober. It gets easier every day, at least for me because I know I want sobriety at all costs. I shared with my GF today, while I love the ground she walks on, nothing is more important than my sobriety, I said it as I meant it, she told me later in the morning that my comment was comforting.
This AV will go to any length to get us to drink, sometimes subtle wearing us down, sometimes pretty loud. I believe, or at least in my case, it will try anything, make me ashamed, fear, guilt and then try to convince me the best way to deal with it is to have a drink.
My AV's issue is I am onto it big time, I am paying very close attention and I am sure it is very frustrated as is yours for reaching out and sharing.
We are here for you and each other, that is one of the many tools that can and will keep us sober.
All the best in 2016 and come back often, even if it's to read another story shared, one thing I do know is no matter what I have done, someone else can relate and help, that is why forums like this work, many of us have been there and are now working on staying sober. It gets easier every day, at least for me because I know I want sobriety at all costs. I shared with my GF today, while I love the ground she walks on, nothing is more important than my sobriety, I said it as I meant it, she told me later in the morning that my comment was comforting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
Yes, I can relate to the incidents you mentioned. It is an awful, sinking feeling when the kids see you, even if they aren't fully aware of what you're hiding.
SR is a great place to help you on your road to recovery. Keep posting and let us all know how you are doing.
SR is a great place to help you on your road to recovery. Keep posting and let us all know how you are doing.
Recoverer of Self
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
My heart hurts to read your post...the horror I felt when my young son opened the dishwasher to find a half empty bottle...asking so sweetly why it was in there...and yes...showing up to kids school with a buzz on...keeping a close eye on my 'water' bottle so the kids don't accidentally take a gulp of vodka...all of the above and then some...the pain of those memories breaks my heart. I've been sober for 20 days and spent many tears each of those days in shame and guilt and absolute wonder at how I could have done all of it (for so long). I know the prison of horror from being both inside the bottle...and now out of it. But I trust what I am told here...that it will get better and the pain will lessen and the days will get brighter. Some hours I am barely hanging on...but I am SO GRATEFUL to be sad and sober rather than sad and drunk. Please be kind to yourself and stay sober..even if you are barely hanging on...find a way to stay sober.
Recoverer of Self
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
It's the lesser of two evils right Shanti...I'm gonna be in pain no matter what...when I'm sober the pain hurts only me...when I'm drinking the pain hurts everyone else....so if I'm picking the lesser of 2 evils.
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