Tick

I've tried to quit before but only half hearted. This time (day 6) I've finally said to my spouse I will give it up for good. Not just quit drinking but work through a healthy recovery. I've been reading rr and working through smart workbook plus a lot of SR. The problem is that she wants me to attend smart meetings or talk to a councillor. I do have anxiety issues so groups right now are not a great option I feel. Maybe talking to someone but I've had not so good experiences in the past. While I feel she is supportive but I also feel it has to be her way. She just. Sees another attempt. I can't speed up time. Any opinions?

Coldfusion

If you have access to SMART meetings, by all means go. You will only prove yourself to your wife by actions. Anxiety is a symptom of alcohol withdrawal, and you need to work on getting over the withdrawal by facing symptoms head-on.

biminiblue

The way to change your wife's mind is to do whatever it takes to stay sober.

Sounds like she's pretty fed up? Like maybe you've promised this before and not followed through? Like maybe she has a right to be skeptical? I'm just guessing based on what you've said.

Allowing yourself to resent her for her understandable worry is just giving yourself a reason to drink or to be mad at the world. I know I was really good at thinking, "It's not fair!!" when I drank.

You can't change your wife's fear today, but you can give her and yourself proof that you can stay sober. Meetings and therapy are both good ideas, and would help. Nothing bad will happen at a SMART meeting. Why not try it?

Anna

I empathize with you. I know when I really decided to stop for good, I expected my family to understand that I meant it. Of course, they didn't because they'd heard the same story before. It was a huge lesson in patience. All I could do was work on my recovery and stay sober and eventually they relaxed.

I don't know if you're willing to do exactly what your wife wants you to do, but it could show that you intend to follow through. Are you trying to save your relationship at this point? I was, and I did whatever I could. I hope you find something that works for you and your family.

least

I saw a counselor the first few years of my recovery and I found it very helpful, in all aspects of my life. Give it a try. What have you got to lose?

Steely

I don't think anyone can tell another how to get sober. Advice is good but after that I think it is the person themselves who finds their own path to sobriety and there are many paths. SMART meetings would be good but maybe not just yet, when you are ready and your anxiety has lifted a bit and only if you want to attend. Resentment can build when you are being told how to do it. Alcohol does create anxiety but it can still exist in the absence of alcohol. Congratulations on your 6 days I think you are doing great. You're sober aren't you, and that's the goal. Horses for courses.

Tick

Thanks for the input. I do feel I will talk to someone after I comes to terms more with this. I do get why she can't see it's different. Time will tell. Thank you I just needed another voice besides my own head. Getting tired of that one.

PurpleKnight

The only way to bring others around is time and showing that you've made the right changes in your life on a permanent basis, she is naturally afraid that this is just another brief stint of Sobriety, and you'll have to show her otherwise.

Stick to your plan, do whatever it takes to make this a longterm permamnet change, once there are results she'll come around, but as you say, you can't speed up time, but you can choose to never give your wife another reason to doubt your resolve!!

Hang in there!!

ALinNS

The only way I have found to beat this sickness is to go to any length and use every resource available. I am familiar with the Anxiety so start with your doc, if you have access to SMART it's the best program I have come across (been in and out of treatment since 1998) problem with me is I didn't finish the recovery plan I made and that was a big mistake, it eventually led to relapse.

I know in my case actions speak louder than words with loved ones, what they see me doing to beat this is how they will measure just how serious I am, I added to that plan (SMART 28 days in patient) I made three years ago and I am working my butt off to see it through and using every resource I can get my hands on.

These forums are a tremendous help, its just all part of the plan and getting help.

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 6

breath

If we are truly committed to our recovery we must be willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how uncomfortable; if we reject or pass without trying then we may have skipped right past the solution.

If we are truly committed to our recovery we must practice acceptance; of others and ourselves. Judgement without proof will destroy us.

loulou1981

I can sympathise, my partner heard the same 'im giving up booze' sppech so often that he just couldn't fully believe me this time around. I just have to b patient & show him that it is different this time. As the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words". Does she know ur coming on here?

Dee74

why not give a SMART meeting a go? you may find it's a lot different to what you're imagining?

D

wehav2day

Congrats on day 6!

Like others have said, the only way to help your wife see that you are different is to well, be different.

I had to do all kinds of stuff I wasn't comfortable with. If we do what we have always done, we will get what we always got. For me that was drunk. No matter how much I "wanted" to be sober. I had to really work at it for it to work.

Some people can do it with books and online. Most of us need counseling and face to face people. Meetings a network of real life sober people.

I guess maybe ask yourself, has it worked before? Was sr and a workbook enough before?

Gottalife

Some folks can successfully negotiate recovery on their terms. I couldn't. Recovery involved things I didn't like, and a lot of discomfort. But I was out of options.

tomsteve

your putting your own terms on the help you will get.
if you truly want to stop drinking and change you will get whatever help is available starting now. using social anxiety as a excuse to not go to meetings is a bad excuse when youd go out to get alcohol.
ever go to a bar to drink?

Tick

Again thanks for the input. I did sound annoyed at my post as we just finished hashing it out. To be truthful I was planning on talking to someone but just wanted control over my recovery. I just felt I wouldn't dictate her recovery and should see or do anything she wants. Appreciate the comments.

Dee74

Just my .02 but I got annoyed at people trying to 'control' my recovery too.

After a while I realised it wasn't an attempt to control me - rather it was a simple reflection of the amount of times I'd declared I'd quit...and never lasted.

My cred for recovery was pretty low.
People were trying to help me - not control me.

After a while it was clear I'd changed and that I wasn't the screw up I'd been for far too many years, and people relaxed

D

keeppushing

I recently went through something similar. You don't just have an alcohol issue you also clearly have a marital issue. And when your wife asks you for something, she is not controlling, she is an equal partner. When you have hurt her in the past what you are really doing is making amends. So the REAL question is: can you overcome your discomfort to make amends to your wife to back up all the apologies for previous behaviour?

I wish you the best of luck on this.

KP

DG0409

It might help you to read through the Friends and Family forums here to get an idea of what the other side is like. There is some very eye-opening stuff there.

Stay sober and use whatever tools you can. And remember that you are still in very early days. It's normal to have difficulty dealing with stress and conflict when we first quit and our brains are still totally out of whack. I know that it could be hard for me not to over-react in a conversation about what to have for dinner, much less a conversation about anything more serious. Likely your wife has no idea what you're going through though.

Focus on taking care of you and your recovery and the rest will start to fall into place.

While we have problems with drinking, many of our partners struggle from problems with co-dependency. Reading up on that might help you understand where she is coming from a little more. Being with an alcoholic can be a hard thing- they are affected by the consequences of drinking, but don't even get the fun of it! It's enough to make anybody go a little crazy and turn a bit controlling. Try to have compassion for her... that's it's own kind of struggle.