Happy New Year and checking in...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Happy New Year and checking in...
Hi Friends,
Happy New Year’s Eve
The last time I started a thread, it was regarding my MIL, and the e-mails she sent me, basically attacking me… I admit that I wrote some things back to her that I am not proud of…. I didn’t respond to her last e-mail, and I have not heard from her since then, though I did send her a short email a few days ago thanking her for the boys’ Christmas gifts.
I have found myself obsessing over these emails with her… other things I wish I would have written / not written… better ways I could have worded things… other digs I could have gotten in. So I type them out, to get them out of my head, and I don’t send them.
Every time I check my e-mail I am literally disappointed when I don’t see anymore nasty emails from her. Like for some reason I want more of it, so that I can have more to obsess over and I can think of more responses that I will never send…
Why am I doing this to myself? I know it does no good for me...
I am working on ways to distract myself when I start this thinking… and I do know I will get over it… but I don’t know, just wanted to put it out there…
Maybe I’m obsessing over this because it’s less painful than obsessing over separated AH, and what he’s doing / not doing, etc…
Though I’m doing my fair share of that as well…. But that’s another post I’ll save for later. No-contact order is still in place, and overall, things are going really well as far as that goes. I love my freedom and serenity without him more and more each day!
Happy New Year’s Eve
The last time I started a thread, it was regarding my MIL, and the e-mails she sent me, basically attacking me… I admit that I wrote some things back to her that I am not proud of…. I didn’t respond to her last e-mail, and I have not heard from her since then, though I did send her a short email a few days ago thanking her for the boys’ Christmas gifts.
I have found myself obsessing over these emails with her… other things I wish I would have written / not written… better ways I could have worded things… other digs I could have gotten in. So I type them out, to get them out of my head, and I don’t send them.
Every time I check my e-mail I am literally disappointed when I don’t see anymore nasty emails from her. Like for some reason I want more of it, so that I can have more to obsess over and I can think of more responses that I will never send…
Why am I doing this to myself? I know it does no good for me...
I am working on ways to distract myself when I start this thinking… and I do know I will get over it… but I don’t know, just wanted to put it out there…
Maybe I’m obsessing over this because it’s less painful than obsessing over separated AH, and what he’s doing / not doing, etc…
Though I’m doing my fair share of that as well…. But that’s another post I’ll save for later. No-contact order is still in place, and overall, things are going really well as far as that goes. I love my freedom and serenity without him more and more each day!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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This is all normal, kboys.
When I was obsessing over drama dealing with others, it was because it was easier than focusing on myself and the work I needed to do to build that healthy relationship with ME that was the foundation of my own recovery. It also just felt right, because it was familiar. Learning how to exist in peace and quiet is my lifelong project.
When I was obsessing over drama dealing with others, it was because it was easier than focusing on myself and the work I needed to do to build that healthy relationship with ME that was the foundation of my own recovery. It also just felt right, because it was familiar. Learning how to exist in peace and quiet is my lifelong project.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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I am with Sparkle! She summed up the why so well.
I will be divorced coming up on five years in the next few weeks. I have very little contact with my ex (an occasional email when I shread our taxes).
I had contact last month twice in unexpected ways (run in, and a distant family member contacting me via facebook looking for contact info for my MIL). Though it no longer throws me for a tailspin, it does still register for me. I found myself last week (right after one of the contact points) rehashing my relationship in a way I have not for a long time. A lot of the shame/blame crept back in while I was doing this.
A saying that helped me was No Contact = No New Hurts. No contact for me was one of the easiest ways to not travel down a well worn path to heaping of old junk upon myself.
I will be divorced coming up on five years in the next few weeks. I have very little contact with my ex (an occasional email when I shread our taxes).
I had contact last month twice in unexpected ways (run in, and a distant family member contacting me via facebook looking for contact info for my MIL). Though it no longer throws me for a tailspin, it does still register for me. I found myself last week (right after one of the contact points) rehashing my relationship in a way I have not for a long time. A lot of the shame/blame crept back in while I was doing this.
A saying that helped me was No Contact = No New Hurts. No contact for me was one of the easiest ways to not travel down a well worn path to heaping of old junk upon myself.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think sometimes we get used to being "victimized"--to the point that we miss the feeling of being "wronged" and the sense of moral superiority it provides.
I'm not talking about TRUE abuse--I'm not suggesting for a second that anyone would wish for that--but the day-to-day drama and adrenaline rush that we get when someone "safe" (I'm assuming you aren't literally afraid of your MIL) says/does something nasty to us.
I think that will go away as you adjust to your newfound peace. Glad the no-contact is working out!
I'm not talking about TRUE abuse--I'm not suggesting for a second that anyone would wish for that--but the day-to-day drama and adrenaline rush that we get when someone "safe" (I'm assuming you aren't literally afraid of your MIL) says/does something nasty to us.
I think that will go away as you adjust to your newfound peace. Glad the no-contact is working out!
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I need to think about Lexie's comment about "victim role" some more. I suspect she is correct.
I do realize though in reading it that I craved ANY contact. I think that somehow meant their was a chance (or that I was cared for)??????
It is clear to me that I defined myself by my relationships and my role as part of "two" instead of being okay with me, myself and I. I started getting better when I was able to get rid of the distractions and keep the focus on me.
I do realize though in reading it that I craved ANY contact. I think that somehow meant their was a chance (or that I was cared for)??????
It is clear to me that I defined myself by my relationships and my role as part of "two" instead of being okay with me, myself and I. I started getting better when I was able to get rid of the distractions and keep the focus on me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Kboys, just wanted to say how much I admire your sticking with the no contact. You are doing a great thing, not only for yourself, but also for your kids! And man, I really do know about obsessing about conflict. Even now that I am at a relatively peaceful place in my personal/romantic life, I still find myself doing it in other areas. I've been having some conflict with my boss and coworkers, for example, that I've been stewing over. I think there is something a little addictive about that feeling of righteous anger, as Lexie says. I try to remind myself that I'm only giving up my own serenity by allowing myself to spin my wheels like that. Anyway, congrats on making a change, and lots of serenity to you in the new year!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I think sometimes we get used to being "victimized"--to the point that we miss the feeling of being "wronged" and the sense of moral superiority it provides.
In my written out responses to her past emails (that I'm not going to send), I even went so far as to point out one of her spelling errors...
Really Kboys?
I guess I've felt a need to grab at anything and everything I can... even spelling... to make me feel superior, and better about myself... Silly
Moving on... slowly but surely
It always helps to put it out there to you guys
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Originally Posted by jjj111
Kboys, just wanted to say how much I admire your sticking with the no contact. You are doing a great thing, not only for yourself, but also for your kids! And man, I really do know about obsessing about conflict. Even now that I am at a relatively peaceful place in my personal/romantic life, I still find myself doing it in other areas. I've been having some conflict with my boss and coworkers, for example, that I've been stewing over. I think there is something a little addictive about that feeling of righteous anger, as Lexie says. I try to remind myself that I'm only giving up my own serenity by allowing myself to spin my wheels like that. Anyway, congrats on making a change, and lots of serenity to you in the new year!
It's been really hard, but getting easier. I honestly never thought I would get to this point, but you all have been such a HUGE help to me and I don't think I would be at this point without you!Yes, definitely an addictive feeling... that "righteous anger"
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