sourbaby1986

Hey all -

So, I just got invited to a wine tasting birthday party. It's for my boyfriend's best friend, and it's important to him that I attend.

And also - after how much time did you feel like you could go to these events and comfortably not drink?

There are two thoughts inside my head: "Go to the wine tasting, and brush off not drinking, chat with people, eat pizza and have fun. Learn to socialize without alcohol" and "Just go and drink, like a normal person. A little bit of wine never hurt anyone." But then again, I'm not all that pleasant to be around sober...

Any tips? Advice is much appreciated.

SB

BarbieKen

Hi,
I'm an alcoholic and I don't drink wine. Since its a wine tasting party....
I put my recovery first. My partner would be aware of how important this was for me to stay committed to my sobriety. I say send him off with love, have him take a taxi home and you'll be there waiting for him.
Bobbi

EndGameNYC

I don't have any tips, but I can tell you that, from what I recall, a great many of people in early sobriety here who went to some sort of drinking occasion with the kind of thinking that you've described in your comments ended up drinking. And that most of those who came back and commented on the occasion admitted that they were thinking about or planning on drinking before they went.

SoberLife90

If your sobriety is important to you should not attend the party. I hope your bf will understand why you don't want to come and watch him taste wine.

sourbaby1986

After certain periods of sobriety, do you guys go to these types of functions again? This girl has a husband who doesn't drink and he will be there...Just curious...

thenewguy

It's not important as you think it is, and not as important as your sobriety.

Regards,

Sean30

I have to admit, wine tasting party and alcoholic dont sound like a good combo..
I couldn't put myself in that position yet, I hope you can talk to your bf and come to an understanding about this.
Good luck

dcg

Of course. I didn't have that luxury so once I committed to stopping, it didn't really matter. That doesn't sound like the case here, so you should discuss with your boyfriend staying home and the importance of that. That, or you can go and then tell everyone you're 2 months pregnant and can't drink...

The decision is yours either way, but I feel compelled to tell you that the reasons you listed in your OP leaning toward attempting to 'mingle with the masses' are utter bull**** so you should stay home if you're really interested in staying clean.

sourbaby1986

Ok ok! I will prob not go then. What if I go and just say that alcohol gives me migraines...and just hang out? Pretend it doesn't bother me...?

Dee74

That you're having those thoughts now is an excellent reason not to go.

I needed to put clear distance between my old life and my new one...I needed to deal with those uncertain feelings and cravings...I needed to allow myself the space to grow and change into the sober person I wanted desperately to be.

That didn't happen overnight but it didn't take that long ether.

I didn't stay at home either - I simply exercised a good deal of caution and forethought in choosing the things I did of a social nature.

A party where the object is to sample wine would not have been a safe place for me to be in early recovery. I would be either frustrated miserable or drunk.

I can go anywhere now with anyone and I'm not bothered by it - but I still wouldn't go to a wine tasting party today because it would be boring for me.

dcg

Sounds like you want to go. You should consider carefully why that is. Your boyfriend will be just fine at his friend's wine tasting party alone, so we'll mark that one off the list.

sourbaby1986

Yeah, I want to be friends with these people and I haven't seen them in a long time. So yes I do want to go. I would almost rather go and be pretend happy and come home miserable than not go. I really want these people to like me and I want to be their friend! I'm lonely and that, for me, is the biggest trigger.

Dee74

Actually I think your greatest trigger on show here is FOMO - fear of missing out.

but...you've clearly made your choice....

My advice now is to think of likely scenarios ahead of time - what will you do if you want to drink? what will you do if someone offers you a drink?

Have an escape plan.

And do not lose sight of what a decision to drink would mean to you.
It's not just one drink.

It's not something to wave away.

It's the negation of everything you've been working towards.
60 posts ago you wrote this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...help-long.html

It might be good to read a few old threads before you leave the house.

Have all the ammo you can.

D

toby2159

Sounds like excellent advice Dee.

Sourbaby, I understand what it is like to want to be liked. I have recently realised that it is more important that I like myself. Which I don't when I drink.

Good luck whichever you decide to do.

dcg

You've said, in more than one thread now, that you think you're boring to people when you're sober, so I sort of think being around booze in a social setting is your biggest trigger, and yet you want to temp that fate again...

As for being a fun social person, I now realize the times I made people laugh the most was when they were laughing at me; at the crazy **** my drunken ass was saying/doing and not because I was a fun guy to be around. Maybe the distinction isn't different for them, but it is to me now.

Berrybean

A Wine Tasting Birthday party??? That sounds like a good idea, NOT!!

If it's so important to your bf that you go (which I think is possibly surmising on your part) then perhaps he can find out what the schedule for this wine tasting event is. What I mean is, usually for a wine tasting there will be a specific part of the evening that is the tasting - when all the attention will be given to wine (the smells the flavours etc.) If you were there at that part of the evening, with your desire to 'join in' and the FOMO and the AV convincing you (as it almost is now by the sounds of it) that you might be able to drink like a 'normal' person it will be INCREDIBLY hard - especially this early in sobriety. Anyway - if it was me, I'd be finding out what time all the fuss over the sensory experience of wine finishes and people move on to the eating and chatting part. If I went at all, that's when I would go. However, being in a room full of people who've just been guzzling wine is, I'm willing to bet, likely to make you feel more lonely than less.

If they are eating and chatting, THEN doing the wine extravaganza, then I'd def go to the first bit, then make my excuses and leave. But I'd need to have a good solid excuse / reason; let the host or birthday boy know that's what I was doing and be prepared to stick to it even if everyone is acting like they're going to be really sad when I leave (which of course, they won't be - things will just carry on as before. Not because people don't care or don't like me, but because that's what happens.)

What really worries me about your post though SB is this idea you've got into your head that it may be okay to drink. If you could reliably just have a couple (and what good is just a couple anyway??!!) then you wouldn't be here on this site. I suggest that you play the tape forward, through to where you've had a couple and decide everyone else is pissed so what's that harm in YOU carrying on?? and have more; through to when the AV sees it's playing a winning card and decides to up the anti and whisper that you haven't got a problem - THESE people have problems or perhaps, it's really hard to feel confident and relaxes with these people - why not take some other substance as well??; through to waking up and wondering what you said / did. Or even worse, when you gradually start remembering and putting those pieces together. Play it through to the bit where you're explaining to previously-proud BF why you did / said whatever at his best friends birthday party, in front of all his good friends. Play it forward to you feeling the loneliness of his cold-shoulder and contempt for the rest of the morning / day / week. Play it forward to feeling the fear as you log on to Facebook and dread what someone might have posted; Play it forward to the bit where it's the next time you see those people and are feeling anxious and embarrassed and wondering what they remember about that party and what they think of you. There's a chance that these things won't happen this time. But is this a chance you're prepared to take? It's a bit like playing Russian Roulette Sourbaby. You've just moved in with him and everything is sweet now. It's just one stupid wine-tasting party. And if you do drink there, then these new friends will continue to offer you drinks in the future. If you go along and they get to know you as someone who doesn't drink ever, then it'll make life a lot easier for you in the long run.

Oh - and if I decided NOT to go (to all or some part of the evening), I'd make some plans so that I wasn't sitting at home sad and lonely while my boyfriend was out at the party.

Fabat50

If you look at some of my previous posts I am a huge advocat of "if I want to go and it will make me and other people happy then I should because alcoholism is my problem, I am the one who needs to deal with it and you can't avoid every day situations where there is alcohol because, in my case, I would become a hermit". And I have had a few lively exchanges with fellow members on the subject.

BUT A WINE TASTING BIRTHDAY? Never in a million years would I do that in early sobriety. Why would you want to put yourself through such an ordeal if you are serious about staying sober?

Does your boyfriend know, and understand, that you are recovering? If yes why on earth does he want you to go? If no, what are your reasons for not telling him?

PurpleKnight

If I'm honest, I just read the title of your thread and thought this is the last thing right now that you need!!

First off your Sobriety is more important than anything else, more important than this party, more important than any person at this party, and even more important than your boyfriend. We're talking about your health and life, that's how important it is, and only you get to do the hard work of pulling yourself back from drinking, not anyone else, not anyone at this party, and not your boyfriend.

The fact that your viewpoint isn't one of I'm going and not drinking, but instead entertaining thoughts of I'll have a drink, and have opened up the fairytale possibility of moderating at this party is a huge red flag.

There will be many more social events in the future, and yes as time goes on and as we become strong in our Sobriety then we can attend and not have an issue, Sobriety is not about sitting at home every night, I attend many an activity, but for the first 6 months I dug into the trenches and stabilised my acceptance of my new Sober lifestyle first, the danger is wanting everything now, and wanting to be cured now, but it doesn't work like that, it's a journey and a process that can only happen with time.

Put your Sobriety first at all costs, there is decades worth of collective Sober wisdom here on SR, and I wouldn't be where I am now without following some of it!!

teatreeoil007

I say-why not work more on becoming a sober person who is pleasant to be around....

least

I wouldn't go. It sounds like you're still in early recovery and it might prove to be too tempting. I'd skip it.