had one drink, hated it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
had one drink, hated it
Hi all! I haven't been around too much because life has just been so busy lately. And because, lets be honest, I stopped putting much effort into sobriety because i wasn't having a daily battle with myself over drinking, so i became complacent.
I really committed to sobriety in march, relapsed briefly in july and have been sober since (although truthfully i've been very inconsistent in my attitude and priorities, so i could just as easily have slipped many times in that period) but I stayed sober until last week.
then at a casual dinner with some friends I was given a free beer, and without even really trying to stop myself I had a few sips of the bottle. It was less than half of a bottle of low strength beer so I wasn't tipsy at all, but still.
As soon as I had some it's as if that illusion of a 'few casual drinks' was shattered, and I very clearly saw the rest of that night if I kept drinking. it was this insane pull to get wasted that I'm not sure i've ever been fully aware of before. it was the most intense 'need' to get more more more more alcohol, it almost felt the same as the physical 'need' for alcohol during withdrawals, or being desperate for water after binge-induced dehydration. if I let myself, i would've run straight to the bar for a few shots in secret, then returned to my friends with a single drink, and then flat out bullied and manipulated them until they 'decided' to get drunk, and i would just have to join in. seconds into that sip of beer I was already planning the way home that would pass the bottle shop.
I think also because I had stopped feeling the moral judgement i felt in AA meetings etc, I wasn't so horrified at myself for those few sips and I was able to just sit back and think about what I was feeling with some curiosity. It allowed me to clearly see how insane my reaction to alcohol is. also even though I felt that same pull to drink more, i was (for once) not very interested in following through. the whole idea suddenly seemed so stupid and depressing, and i decided i'd have a more enjoyable night without anymore booze.
since then i've felt like a weight has been lifted, and i'm finally deciding not to drink for myself instead of out of guilt and shame for upsetting family, gain respect in AA or here or whatever, to appease doctors or friends warnings. i just dont want to, because nothing good comes out of it and I still have big plans and hopes for my life.
So i'm back here under no illusions that it's never going to be an issue again or that I will never have cravings or urges, but it's refreshing to feel able to commit to sobriety for myself without really even caring what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. i wanted to put this here because I'm going to shut up about it all around friends and family this time, because the declarative 'i'm never drinking again!!' statements i now see were really my ego wanting some praise. I saw that night how it really doesn't have to be a big deal, I put aside the drink, my friend happily finished it off, and no one questioned why i drank at all or why wasn't drinking more. no ones problem or responsibility or choice but mine.
I really committed to sobriety in march, relapsed briefly in july and have been sober since (although truthfully i've been very inconsistent in my attitude and priorities, so i could just as easily have slipped many times in that period) but I stayed sober until last week.
then at a casual dinner with some friends I was given a free beer, and without even really trying to stop myself I had a few sips of the bottle. It was less than half of a bottle of low strength beer so I wasn't tipsy at all, but still.
As soon as I had some it's as if that illusion of a 'few casual drinks' was shattered, and I very clearly saw the rest of that night if I kept drinking. it was this insane pull to get wasted that I'm not sure i've ever been fully aware of before. it was the most intense 'need' to get more more more more alcohol, it almost felt the same as the physical 'need' for alcohol during withdrawals, or being desperate for water after binge-induced dehydration. if I let myself, i would've run straight to the bar for a few shots in secret, then returned to my friends with a single drink, and then flat out bullied and manipulated them until they 'decided' to get drunk, and i would just have to join in. seconds into that sip of beer I was already planning the way home that would pass the bottle shop.
I think also because I had stopped feeling the moral judgement i felt in AA meetings etc, I wasn't so horrified at myself for those few sips and I was able to just sit back and think about what I was feeling with some curiosity. It allowed me to clearly see how insane my reaction to alcohol is. also even though I felt that same pull to drink more, i was (for once) not very interested in following through. the whole idea suddenly seemed so stupid and depressing, and i decided i'd have a more enjoyable night without anymore booze.
since then i've felt like a weight has been lifted, and i'm finally deciding not to drink for myself instead of out of guilt and shame for upsetting family, gain respect in AA or here or whatever, to appease doctors or friends warnings. i just dont want to, because nothing good comes out of it and I still have big plans and hopes for my life.
So i'm back here under no illusions that it's never going to be an issue again or that I will never have cravings or urges, but it's refreshing to feel able to commit to sobriety for myself without really even caring what anyone else thinks or has to say about it. i wanted to put this here because I'm going to shut up about it all around friends and family this time, because the declarative 'i'm never drinking again!!' statements i now see were really my ego wanting some praise. I saw that night how it really doesn't have to be a big deal, I put aside the drink, my friend happily finished it off, and no one questioned why i drank at all or why wasn't drinking more. no ones problem or responsibility or choice but mine.
Recoverer of Self
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 297
Fabulous Post!
I love what you said about how just seconds into that first sip you saw the whole thing play out....so so so true!!!!! It's amazing how powerful that first sip is!
And I also like how you said this time getting sober was for you...not just to alleviate guilt and shame.
Really good post! Thanks for sharing!
I love what you said about how just seconds into that first sip you saw the whole thing play out....so so so true!!!!! It's amazing how powerful that first sip is!
And I also like how you said this time getting sober was for you...not just to alleviate guilt and shame.
Really good post! Thanks for sharing!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Thanks for the post - reminded me of this passage -
We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality - safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 561
Immri, I respect your insight and truly relate with what you said!! I don't want to diminish how significant this revelation was for you....and do celebrate it with you.
That being said, I wouldn't be a good sober supporter if I didn't say:
Please don't put yourself in that position again.
So thankful that you handed the drink off to someone else!!!....but what if it had ended the other way.
I'm just so scared of the "poison" still. And scared of that thing in my head, that you describe so well, that wants more more more.
I know you don't plan to have a drink again, but I just had to say it.
That being said, I wouldn't be a good sober supporter if I didn't say:
Please don't put yourself in that position again.
So thankful that you handed the drink off to someone else!!!....but what if it had ended the other way.
I'm just so scared of the "poison" still. And scared of that thing in my head, that you describe so well, that wants more more more.
I know you don't plan to have a drink again, but I just had to say it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,435
I agree with rahrah ~ fabulous post immri!
And I think you made a very important point. No matter why we started on this journey, it can only work if we are doing it for ourselves.
I'm glad you feel that the weight has lifted for you; what an awesome gift to take into the new year.
♥
And I think you made a very important point. No matter why we started on this journey, it can only work if we are doing it for ourselves.
I'm glad you feel that the weight has lifted for you; what an awesome gift to take into the new year.
♥
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Nice post. I swear to god my heart skipped a beat when you described that first sip. I actually felt physical horror. That is exactly how it would be for me and had been in the past. Please don't test yourself like that again. Move on now. Happy new year.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
A bit of a high stakes experiment, but glad you've reached that place where you realise you aren't drinking because you don't want to drink, not because you aren't allowed to.
I made a similar point to a friend the other day who was desperately trying to get me to drink (even buying me drinks and putting them in front of me). I simply said that I'm not self-sacrificing, or being holier than thou, or denying myself something I really want. If I wanted a drink I'd buy myself a drink. I just don't want one any more.
There was nothing he could really say to that. Though he finally said out loud, while pretty drunk, what I'd assumed all along. That he didn't like that it made him question his own drinking.
Anyway, for me it was reaching that realisation you've just made that I found myself totally confident that I will never drink again. Which is a terrific place to be.
I made a similar point to a friend the other day who was desperately trying to get me to drink (even buying me drinks and putting them in front of me). I simply said that I'm not self-sacrificing, or being holier than thou, or denying myself something I really want. If I wanted a drink I'd buy myself a drink. I just don't want one any more.
There was nothing he could really say to that. Though he finally said out loud, while pretty drunk, what I'd assumed all along. That he didn't like that it made him question his own drinking.
Anyway, for me it was reaching that realisation you've just made that I found myself totally confident that I will never drink again. Which is a terrific place to be.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Glad you didn't suffer a full-blown relapse. And very glad to hear that you've shifted the focus to doing this for yourself, and not to meet anybody else's expectations.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 295
Great job on all your sober time. I relate very much to being sober for a long time then unepectedly wanting to drink again.
I think it's a good idea to realize that no matter how turned off we are to drinking, the monster can still present itself out of nowhere in the future, giving smart sounding reasons why "one more drink" is okay THIS time.
But it seems you've acknowledged that complacency is dangerous even after the obsession to drink finally ends.
I think it's a good idea to realize that no matter how turned off we are to drinking, the monster can still present itself out of nowhere in the future, giving smart sounding reasons why "one more drink" is okay THIS time.
But it seems you've acknowledged that complacency is dangerous even after the obsession to drink finally ends.
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