walking on eggshells? examples
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walking on eggshells? examples
Ive had a couple people mention this term to me, and I think I know the meaning but decided to ask in case Im off.
It means being careful of things you say, or what you might do in the presence of your A? For fear of some kind of backlash from him? Anger, blame, physical violence? Or fear you place on yourself being super focused not to trigger him to use or leave the house?
This is all I could think of.
It means being careful of things you say, or what you might do in the presence of your A? For fear of some kind of backlash from him? Anger, blame, physical violence? Or fear you place on yourself being super focused not to trigger him to use or leave the house?
This is all I could think of.
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Paying inordinate attention to what I say or do around someone for fear of their reaction, whatever it might be. Behaving in a way that is specifically geared toward eliciting a certain reaction from someone, whatever it might be. Subduing my "self" in order to please (or at least not displease) another person. Tailoring my reaction to a situation in the hopes of garnering approval (or at least not disapproval) from another person.
You mentioned in your other thread that your husband is a veteran. You know that he has all the help he could ever need at his fingertips if he makes the call. My ex and I are both veterans as well, so I know quite a bit about the system, as it were. You know that if he is abusing his prescribed medication, you as his wife can let the VA know and they should take appropriate action. Substance abuse as self-medication is very common among veterans, and I'm not unsympathetic to your husband, but he has a lot of choices here. Fighting a war is a very different battle than fighting addiction. Self will and determination are not always the most effective weapons.
I felt the same way that you do about my ex's alcoholism for a long time. I thought that he and I could conquer it like we had done with so many other things. I thought that having a loving family at home would be all the incentive he needed to seek sobriety. Experience taught me different, and I finally had to act in order to protect my children from the progression of his alcoholism. I didn't mean to seem unsupportive on your other thread.
You mentioned in your other thread that your husband is a veteran. You know that he has all the help he could ever need at his fingertips if he makes the call. My ex and I are both veterans as well, so I know quite a bit about the system, as it were. You know that if he is abusing his prescribed medication, you as his wife can let the VA know and they should take appropriate action. Substance abuse as self-medication is very common among veterans, and I'm not unsympathetic to your husband, but he has a lot of choices here. Fighting a war is a very different battle than fighting addiction. Self will and determination are not always the most effective weapons.
I felt the same way that you do about my ex's alcoholism for a long time. I thought that he and I could conquer it like we had done with so many other things. I thought that having a loving family at home would be all the incentive he needed to seek sobriety. Experience taught me different, and I finally had to act in order to protect my children from the progression of his alcoholism. I didn't mean to seem unsupportive on your other thread.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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I find that walking on eggshells can be a delicate line that means different things to different people. There is an element to common sense. My AXBF has convinced me that I ruined our relationship by making him afraid to be himself and making him always walk on eggshells. Well first off, he has also admitted that he presented a false self to me from the start and molded himself to be who he thought I would like so I wouldn't reject him. But that's besides this point. I felt and still do feel guilty for making him walk on eggshells, but when I think about the things that made him feel that way...well it was me getting mad and telling him he was being disrespectful when he told me that he had been making fun of a work project that I had worked hard on with his coworkers and then point blank told me that "it sucked." It was me telling him I would prefer not to hear details about his past sexual conquests, and that I found it inappropriate to offer up details of taking girls home from the bar. It was me questioning him when he told me he still cries over exes, and me feeling he may not be ready to move on to a relationship with me and I didn't want to be a rebound. Maybe I am too sensitive and I did make him walk on eggshells, but I think your assessment is on point. If you have to fear an outburst or major scene over something relatively minor and not intended as an attack. I think you have a good head on your shoulders, AnonWife, and you probably have a gut instinct as to what you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells regarding and what behaviors on his part are unfair and unwarranted. I'm a little fuzzy on what it means myself though, because like I said I still feel guilt over my situation. It's a fine line and it can be subjective unfortunately.
However any fear of physical violence ever is definitely way over the line and NEVER okay.
However any fear of physical violence ever is definitely way over the line and NEVER okay.
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Walking on eggshells can be:
Keeping your mouth shut, your opinions to yourself, the house quiet, the TV down, the kids hushed, the broken household object hidden in the bottom of the trash, and generally just mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically tippytoeing around the monster (your alcoholic/druggy) so he/she doesn't get upset/mad/drunk/high. Think of a scene from Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter where the little heroes are trying to sneak past the sleeping dragon/dog with three heads/ whatever so that they won't get eaten. That's my definition. Any time you have to handle a grown-a** person with kid gloves.
Keeping your mouth shut, your opinions to yourself, the house quiet, the TV down, the kids hushed, the broken household object hidden in the bottom of the trash, and generally just mentally and emotionally and sometimes physically tippytoeing around the monster (your alcoholic/druggy) so he/she doesn't get upset/mad/drunk/high. Think of a scene from Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter where the little heroes are trying to sneak past the sleeping dragon/dog with three heads/ whatever so that they won't get eaten. That's my definition. Any time you have to handle a grown-a** person with kid gloves.
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Its unsettling when someone says you cause them to feel a certain negative feeling. Most of us dont want to do that to someone we love. And its more complicated if one person is using substances because their perception can be distorted.
But your guy, all I can say is it wasnt respectful of him to try and push you to listen to stories of his past sexual encounters or how he cries over an ex. He could have shared with his guy pals and got high fives and bear hugs for his sorrow. Or if thats how he treats girlfriends and you said not with me, then good for you to stand up and show him a respectful boundary. If it caused him to feel he.couldnt be himself due to the restriction then I say he isnt right for you. And he has a lot to learn about women or hes going to be crying over you -his ex and probably many more women to come. Id kick that guilt to the curb on this one.
But your guy, all I can say is it wasnt respectful of him to try and push you to listen to stories of his past sexual encounters or how he cries over an ex. He could have shared with his guy pals and got high fives and bear hugs for his sorrow. Or if thats how he treats girlfriends and you said not with me, then good for you to stand up and show him a respectful boundary. If it caused him to feel he.couldnt be himself due to the restriction then I say he isnt right for you. And he has a lot to learn about women or hes going to be crying over you -his ex and probably many more women to come. Id kick that guilt to the curb on this one.
Originally Posted by Priscilla84 
I find that walking on eggshells can be a delicate line that means different things to different people. There is an element to common sense. My AXBF has convinced me that I ruined our relationship by making him afraid to be himself and making him always walk on eggshells. Well first off, he has also admitted that he presented a false self to me from the start and molded himself to be who he thought I would like so I wouldn't reject him. But that's besides this point. I felt and still do feel guilty for making him walk on eggshells, but when I think about the things that made him feel that way...well it was me getting mad and telling him he was being disrespectful when he told me that he had been making fun of a work project that I had worked hard on with his coworkers and then point blank told me that "it sucked." It was me telling him I would prefer not to hear details about his past sexual conquests, and that I found it inappropriate to offer up details of taking girls home from the bar. It was me questioning him when he told me he still cries over exes, and me feeling he may not be ready to move on to a relationship with me and I didn't want to be a rebound. Maybe I am too sensitive and I did make him walk on eggshells, but I think your assessment is on point. If you have to fear an outburst or major scene over something relatively minor and not intended as an attack. I think you have a good head on your shoulders, AnonWife, and you probably have a gut instinct as to what you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells regarding and what behaviors on his part are unfair and unwarranted. I'm a little fuzzy on what it means myself though, because like I said I still feel guilt over my situation. It's a fine line and it can be subjective unfortunately.
However any fear of physical violence ever is definitely way over the line and NEVER okay.
However any fear of physical violence ever is definitely way over the line and NEVER okay.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Yes he will have medical and psych help available, but he isnt ready to ask for that help yet. I have thought about.contacting his doctor but its complicated and he is mixing alcohol. He needs to recognize for himself this is all a problem. Its still an option but Im hoping he will open his eyes, and I feel it would be best if he reaches out for help and has that control. For now I wait.
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Paying inordinate attention to what I say or do around someone for fear of their reaction, whatever it might be. Behaving in a way that is specifically geared toward eliciting a certain reaction from someone, whatever it might be. Subduing my "self" in order to please (or at least not displease) another person. Tailoring my reaction to a situation in the hopes of garnering approval (or at least not disapproval) from another person.
You mentioned in your other thread that your husband is a veteran. You know that he has all the help he could ever need at his fingertips if he makes the call. My ex and I are both veterans as well, so I know quite a bit about the system, as it were. You know that if he is abusing his prescribed medication, you as his wife can let the VA know and they should take appropriate action. Substance abuse as self-medication is very common among veterans, and I'm not unsympathetic to your husband, but he has a lot of choices here. Fighting a war is a very different battle than fighting addiction. Self will and determination are not always the most effective weapons.
I felt the same way that you do about my ex's alcoholism for a long time. I thought that he and I could conquer it like we had done with so many other things. I thought that having a loving family at home would be all the incentive he needed to seek sobriety. Experience taught me different, and I finally had to act in order to protect my children from the progression of his alcoholism. I didn't mean to seem unsupportive on your other thread.
You mentioned in your other thread that your husband is a veteran. You know that he has all the help he could ever need at his fingertips if he makes the call. My ex and I are both veterans as well, so I know quite a bit about the system, as it were. You know that if he is abusing his prescribed medication, you as his wife can let the VA know and they should take appropriate action. Substance abuse as self-medication is very common among veterans, and I'm not unsympathetic to your husband, but he has a lot of choices here. Fighting a war is a very different battle than fighting addiction. Self will and determination are not always the most effective weapons.
I felt the same way that you do about my ex's alcoholism for a long time. I thought that he and I could conquer it like we had done with so many other things. I thought that having a loving family at home would be all the incentive he needed to seek sobriety. Experience taught me different, and I finally had to act in order to protect my children from the progression of his alcoholism. I didn't mean to seem unsupportive on your other thread.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I understand. Take care of yourself and your daughter. One thing I regret is focusing so much on him. My sons were the ones who suffered the most, though I didn't realize it at the time. My energy and effort didn't make one single bit of difference to him. Nothing I did really helped him. And I did try. I remembered the man he'd been before the war and his brain injuries and PTSD, and that was what kept me hanging on for so long. But really all I did was make a comfortable place for him to indulge his addiction at the expense of myself and my sons. I'm so sorry your family is going through this, but please think about who is the adult and who is the child and try to make your choices based on that. One person has the power to change his situation at his fingertips, and one person is totally at the mercy of what the adults in her life choose to do.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
I understand. Take care of yourself and your daughter. One thing I regret is focusing so much on him. My sons were the ones who suffered the most, though I didn't realize it at the time. My energy and effort didn't make one single bit of difference to him. Nothing I did really helped him. And I did try. I remembered the man he'd been before the war and his brain injuries and PTSD, and that was what kept me hanging on for so long. But really all I did was make a comfortable place for him to indulge his addiction at the expense of myself and my sons. I'm so sorry your family is going through this, but please think about who is the adult and who is the child and try to make your choices based on that. One person has the power to change his situation at his fingertips, and one person is totally at the mercy of what the adults in her life choose to do.
Best SR wisdom I've read all year! Someone may very well post something better, ladyscribbler---but they only have 1 day in which to do so.
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While I don't entirely agree, for some people (as evidenced in my thread 5 Years Here So Sad to Still Be Here) it might be not telling your loved one to step up and think of the effect he is having on his father, educating your loved one about the dangers of the drugs he possibly could be unaware he was being sold (e.g. meth masqueraded as coke), etc., because the loved one is in "treatment". That to me felt somewhat like what is meant by "walking on eggshells."
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