BixBees505

I've made myself quite sick again, since 12/10. Today, 12/30, I am crying "uncle" again. Every organ, every joint, every cell is either aching or burning or both.

People say that "bottom" is a decision. In every other area of my life, I am exceptionally good at sticking to decisions. Even at great cost, inconvenience, even regret. I stick.

I have a plan, I have support. I broke because I wanted the feeling, however fleeting. I don't know how to "never change my mind".

Anna

For me, it was essential to get to the point where I knew alcohol was no longer an option, ever. It was only at that point that my mind shifted and began to find healthy ways to deal with life. As long as the door remained open a crack, my mind would not allow me to begin healing.

However, I do think that, especially in the early days, it's important to stay in the moment and do what needs to be done.

least

It's not easy, but it's simple: you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink.

Melina

Hi Bix! I've been wondering about you! I know how hard this is, stay with us. Stay right here. Don't leave before the miracle happens.

Hugs!

BixBees505

"you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink"

Are we in control of that wanting? Do I have to wait until it beats me unrecognizable pulp to want sober "more"? I am just so disgusted with my own fickleness on this.

biminiblue

BixBees, I was thinking about you yesterday.

I'm glad you're back. Take it a day at a time for now. Go to bed sober tonight.

Do it again tomorrow. That's really all any of us have. When I get up every morning I take a moment to be grateful for my health, my sobriety, a roof over my head, food.

One day at a time eventually becomes a long string of days that are precious and I don't want to give up that hard-earned ground. I never want to go back to the misery caused by that first drink.

Because it doesn't stay at one or two, it turns ugly.

least

For me, I was sick and tired of my drinking lifestyle and yes, at the end, I desperately wanted to be sober.

BixBees505

Hi Melina, thanks.
Thanks Anna and Least, too.

BixBees505

Hi Bim...thx. I fear you are right, that a string of todays is all we have, never a sure thing, never "for good and all". Seems pretty blasted exhausting.

But honestly, where I am now and have been since 10th is truly depleting. Who am I kidding about that?

doggonecarl

I don't know if reaching one's bottom is always based on a decision. But I think one decides to drop no further, decides to halt the skid and embrace sobriety.

If you can't accept never drinking again, if you still cling to the idea that one day you might drink, you will. Drinking is a decision, just like not drinking is.

BixBees505

Yes, ok. Just very confused at the moment.

WhenInDoubt

I agree it can be exhausting to see a never-ending stream of days deciding not to drink. But, like doggonecarl said, it's a decision NOT to drink just as it's a decision TO drink. So either way, a decision is made daily, hourly, etc. I wish you luck in your decisions, and hope you check in here and stay sober!

FreeOwl

We are in control of the choosing....

For me, I reached a day where I really DID 'want' to get sober more than I wanted to drink. But that didn't forever turn off the 'wanting' to drink.

I CHOSE though on that day of wanting sobriety. I chose to get it. I chose to plan for the day when I'd once again WANT to drink. I chose to come up with ways to CHOOSE sobriety - even when I WANTED to drink.

I'm two years sober and sometimes, sometimes... I still feel like I 'want' to drink. But then I choose not to.

I immersed myself in things like AA, reading the Big Book, honestly reflecting on my own history with alcohol and what it had done to me and to my life. In that first year, I really had to keep on it. I made lists of the negative consequences. I tallied up the money spent over the years. The time lost. The experiences lost. The relationships damaged. I got very honest and I looked at the dark truths I'd always before allowed myself to tuck away out of sight. I no longer accepted my own actions of 'hiding' from my own reality. I kept the reality of drinking at the center of my vision. At the same time, I began building inspirational visions of what life of sobriety could be for me. I sought role models - locally and in the world in general - who had also chosen sobriety. I focused hard on the goodness sobriety brought them, the world, and could bring me. I made a conscious effort to dream of the life I might lead. I forced myself to stop looking at sobriety as a 'loss' of something wonderful (the 'ability' to drink) and to begin looking at it as a blessed opportunity (to live my life as fully and presently and abundantly as I could).

It took time.... it took work.... it took changes..... but what happened was I began to reprogram my wanting. My brain changed. My outlook changed.

And my LIFE changed.

For the better.

I stopped WANTING to drink and instead WANT to be sober.

I began helping others seek sobriety... and that too helped.

And now, two years on... I WANT to be sober more than I want to drink. A lot more. And when the odd occasion arises where I feel that old "want to drink" creep in - I am strong enough to CHOOSE not to. And almost the moment I make that choice again - the wanting to drink fades right back into wanting to be sober.

Yes... we CHOOSE our own bottom. By choosing sobriety.

Soberwolf

Rehab is an option ?

BixBees505

Well, maybe I want sober more than I want rehab, even if I do really want drink. By transitive properties, maybe it can make that sincere desire work awhile.

FO you are very articulate. Thanks for putting so much into answering.

biminiblue

Just as FreeOwl said, though - the choice is made one time in the beginning. THEN every choice after that supports the decision.

In time the daily grind of fighting it goes away - and it happens because a choice is made over and over until that choice becomes the default position.

If it was a daily battle forevermore, I don't know how many people would stick with sobriety. It isn't a daily battle anymore for me. The thought comes up, I look at it and make the choice not to drink. It gets easier - but you have to stick with it long enough. You have to get past those first few difficult months where there are a lot of things to overcome. That's where this site or AA or therapy or a combination of things can help. Getting past those first few months is a little tricky.

ALinNS

For me or my thoughts I do not feel it is a conscious decision, I think/know from experience it will/has, in my case taken just about everything everything, it didn't take my willpower to stop and seek help, because of what alcohol abuse has led to.

I believe what is important is a host of things, these forums, research, an understanding of this AV we have telling us we need (in my case) a drink to kill mental pain, I am sober, have been since the 12th so my mind is clear and I am not going to hurt myself, my family or loved ones anymore, I am through with alcohol and for today I am in control of where I go, what I do and what I pick up and I can assure you it will not be alcohol.

If you feel you are ready to quit, rely on every resource you can get you hands on, take what works and leave the rest at the door, focus on the positive as the AV, IMHO, is afraid of us when we are sober and have a clear mind and it will tend, at least in my case, try to tell me why I should not believe in a certain program or even a post for that matter, I step back and think, realize more often than not it's this AV trying to steer me away from what is killing it as it's scared in my case as I am on a mission of recovery and it has no control at all in my life today and never will again, that is a promise I made to myself and I am not one to break a promise.

PurpleKnight

If you know the train is going to crash further down the tracks, then why not get off a few stops earlier?!!

The decision to end the misery is in your hands, we all have the power within us to end it at any time and make Sobriety a reality!!

tursiops999

Hi Bix -- it's good to see you here, I've been thinking of you.

In my experience, it's normal to feel ambivalence. There's a part of me that wants to be sober. And a part of me that wants to drink -- the addicted part. To stay sober I have to grow the part of me that wants to be sober.

When I plan out my day, I look at my choices ... I sort through what things will support and grow my sobriety, and what things might lead to drinking. Go to a meeting, spend time on SR, meditate, pray, write my gratitude list, help others, exercise -- all these are in the plus column. Work overtime, eat junk food, spend time feeling sorry for myself, hang out with drinkers -- all these are in the negative column and get crossed off my plan for the day.

It's a big choice (I'll never drink again) supported by a lot of little daily choices (I'll choose actions today that support my sobriety, and stay away from actions that endanger it).

It can seem daunting and exhausting in the beginning but it does get much easier.

Nonsensical

Does that mean you might one day decide to rape, murder, or rob people at gun point? Give old people a beating and steal their pension money so you can buy heroin? You've decided not to do any of those things today, but you might change your mind about them in the future.

I suspect not.

Thing is, we DO KNOW how not to change our mind. We just have to be willing to refuse to engage in a behavior we know to be wrong.

I've screwed up plenty, but I never once fell off the wagon. I always jumped. Deciding to stay on is always the better option for me.

You can do this.