Magnoliamania

At this time things have gotten so bad that we have taken our granddaughter,8 to live with us. My daughter has told me she has no intention of changing and thanked me for taking care of her daughter. My granddaughter knows her mother is sick and she says she's happy to be here. (Both my daughter and granddaughter lived with us the last five years. My daughter was on her own with my granddaughter for only a few months before things went completely downhill. (Boyfriend died of OD, escalated drug use, etc.) Luckily my granddaughter was with me when boyfriend od'd.)
I'm concerned about my daughter and not sure what to do. But I'm also concerned about my granddaughter and wondering I should legally get custody. Will that push my daughter over the edge?
Anyone have anyone have experience with dealing with grandchildren and addict. She wants her daughter here now but what if she changes her mind? My granddaughter wants to stay here where she feels safe. Should I seek legal counsel on this? Even a temporary custody as I hope my daughter will seek help?
Thanks .!?

GardenMama

Hi Magnolia,

Welcome to SR! I am glad to hear you have your granddaughter safe and sound. I think you should definitely find out about getting legal custody or guardianship of her. You'd have to look in your state for the legal advice--I am sure there are non-profit legal help organizations that could help you. Be careful of greedy lawyers--I know a grandmother who wishes she'd gone with social services first (spent a lot of money unnecessarily). Take care, and thank you for seeing for your granddaughter through a rough time.

zoso77

Magnolia...

Welcome to the Board. I'm sad that you've had to come to us, especially this time of year, but I'm thankful that you're here.

GardenMama has given you some very solid feedback, but I'd like to expand upon her post. Your best move, in my view, is to assume the worst and assume that your AD will not seek recovery, even if that means she loses her daughter in the process. Based on this, your granddaughter needs to be protected at all costs. She deserves to have as stable a life as possible during her formative years.

We have amongst our ranks plenty of mothers who've been through the wars. I imagine they're going to sound off on this thread over the next day or so. When they do, pay close attention. They are incredibly strong, incredibly wise, and so kind and empathetic.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

atalose

And that could happen in a heartbeat. For the best interest of your grandchild get custody. Temp or full as long as you have the legal system on your side your daughter can't just take her on a whim or use her as a pawn to manipulate you into giving her money, transportation, food, etc.

You need to have some type of guardianship in place for medical reasons, school reasons, etc.

How your daughter is going to respond is out of your hands and has nothing to do with the fact you must act in the best interest of your grandchild who doesn’t get a say in this right now. She needs you to be her voice and protector.

CarmenLove

This speaks volumes. Your Granddaughter wants to stay with you.

As for protecting your addicted daughter's feelings - I think this could border on enabling because it is protecting her from the consequences of her actions (the consequences being her daughter not wanting to live with her).

Your Granddaughter stands to be in harms way if she goes back, especially when she doesn't want to, if not physically then definitely emotionally, mentally and physiologically.

Not to dramatise it and it could ruin the rest of her life to grow up in that environment.

It certainly doesn't hurt for you to educate yourself on legal guardianship and be prepared.

I hope that helps and I see that you are a very strong and caring person.

teatreeoil007

I can only imagine how your heart much be torn over this issue. Afterall, this is your very own daughter who is sick, but also your very own granddaughter who needs safety and stability. I say, praise the Lord for good grandma's...

Seems as though we are seeing more and more kids being raised by grandparents these days; a lot of it due to drug problems. But this type of thing has likely always been around, too. I once dated a guy who said he was basically raised by his grandma. His own mother was not a druggie, but she was not a good mother! There were other issues. Do what you gotta do to keep your granddaughter safe and loved and as secure as possible.

ladyscribbler

Sending support and a big thank you your way. You are an amazing grandmother. You are protecting that little girl from growing up in the chaos of a household ruled by addiction while also dealing with the sadness and fears of a mother with a child in active addiciton.
I've met a lot of grandparents through Alanon who are facing similar issues- raising a grandchild or grandchildren due to an adult child's alcoholism or addiction.
In addition to legal advice, it might help to seek support through a program such as Alanon or Naranon. Meeting people in your same situation can ease a bit of your burden and probably help you with some practical advice as well. As much as you love your granddaughter, I know you're also worried for your daughter.
Take care. Sending a hug to you and your precious granddaughter. Depending on her age, she might be old enough for Alateen meetings. I know that Celebrate Recovery also has programs for children of all ages who are impacted by alcohol or drug abuse.