About Me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 1
About Me
Hi all.
Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 40 year old female in Indiana. I'm having a problem with alcohol. This sounds silly when I put it in words but I feel like my husband is partly to blame for my problem. He's an alcoholic in denial. Before I met him I would enjoy a glass of red wine in the evening, that's all, one glass, and some nights I wouldn't even finish that, occasionally a small Scotch. Since we met his drinking has slowly got in the way of our life. I suspect he's always been a heavy drinker and that's part of the reason his first marriage failed (she didn't like drinking) but I feel like he's not doing as good a job as he used to of hiding it. The worst way it affects me is that I can't stand to be around him when he's drinking so I usually join him and end up drinking way more than I'm comfortable with. Whenever we go on a "date" it always involves alcohol, and he's usually driving so it's only a matter of time before something bad happens. I got upset on Monday when he came home with yet another bottle of vodka and said he would have "one martini before supper" but what actually happened is he ended up drinking more than half the bottle while supper got cold. I told him that night that he needs to stop, that I need to stop, and we'll both be healthier. Nothing new here, I've said this so many times I feel like a broken record. Last night the same thing happened as always happens when I give him the "talk", he got home from work and wouldn't talk to me despite my saying we needed to talk about some work things (we own a business together). He ate early then went to bed. This morning I told him he failed the test and explained that this always happens whenever I ask him not to drink but he claimed he wasn't feeling well. I don't buy that at all. It really bothers me that he has no hobbies besides work and drinking. I was extremely happy last night doing the things I love to do without the horrible feeling of booze. It's sad also that we don't seem to have a relationship and can only talk when there's alcohol involved. Any tips for helping me work through this.
Just wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 40 year old female in Indiana. I'm having a problem with alcohol. This sounds silly when I put it in words but I feel like my husband is partly to blame for my problem. He's an alcoholic in denial. Before I met him I would enjoy a glass of red wine in the evening, that's all, one glass, and some nights I wouldn't even finish that, occasionally a small Scotch. Since we met his drinking has slowly got in the way of our life. I suspect he's always been a heavy drinker and that's part of the reason his first marriage failed (she didn't like drinking) but I feel like he's not doing as good a job as he used to of hiding it. The worst way it affects me is that I can't stand to be around him when he's drinking so I usually join him and end up drinking way more than I'm comfortable with. Whenever we go on a "date" it always involves alcohol, and he's usually driving so it's only a matter of time before something bad happens. I got upset on Monday when he came home with yet another bottle of vodka and said he would have "one martini before supper" but what actually happened is he ended up drinking more than half the bottle while supper got cold. I told him that night that he needs to stop, that I need to stop, and we'll both be healthier. Nothing new here, I've said this so many times I feel like a broken record. Last night the same thing happened as always happens when I give him the "talk", he got home from work and wouldn't talk to me despite my saying we needed to talk about some work things (we own a business together). He ate early then went to bed. This morning I told him he failed the test and explained that this always happens whenever I ask him not to drink but he claimed he wasn't feeling well. I don't buy that at all. It really bothers me that he has no hobbies besides work and drinking. I was extremely happy last night doing the things I love to do without the horrible feeling of booze. It's sad also that we don't seem to have a relationship and can only talk when there's alcohol involved. Any tips for helping me work through this.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome racer!
This is a good place if you want to stop drinking; keep reading around the site and you'll find a lot of information and support in doing that.
As for your husband, I learned that I don't have any control over what other people are doing, but that I could take care of myself. The Friends and Family section will help you with that part.
This is a good place if you want to stop drinking; keep reading around the site and you'll find a lot of information and support in doing that.
As for your husband, I learned that I don't have any control over what other people are doing, but that I could take care of myself. The Friends and Family section will help you with that part.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 50
Welcome, racer. Your story rings very true for me, as I feel very much like alcohol is the center of my 11 year relationship. Luckily he has cut back a lot, and I've quit recently, but your story really makes me feel for you.
It takes time, and it takes communication. He has to listen to you, and want to change. Nothing you can do externally (other than issue ultimatums, which never worked for me) will make him want to change.
I have a ton more to say on this topic, but don't want to overwhelm you on your first post! I look forward to talking with you more later.
It takes time, and it takes communication. He has to listen to you, and want to change. Nothing you can do externally (other than issue ultimatums, which never worked for me) will make him want to change.
I have a ton more to say on this topic, but don't want to overwhelm you on your first post! I look forward to talking with you more later.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Welcome to the forum. You'll have to decide how to move forward. An addict/alcoholic isn't going to change until they're ready to change. If he's not ready you're going to end up being frustrated having the "talk" with him with no change on his part.
If you're serious about stopping drinking first and foremost do that for yourself irrespective of what your husband does. He probably won't like that as it'll put a spot light on his drinking pattern.
Also, see the Friends and Families forums on SR for help on how you might deal with an active alcoholic.
In any case you've found a great site for support. Wishing you the best.
If you're serious about stopping drinking first and foremost do that for yourself irrespective of what your husband does. He probably won't like that as it'll put a spot light on his drinking pattern.
Also, see the Friends and Families forums on SR for help on how you might deal with an active alcoholic.
In any case you've found a great site for support. Wishing you the best.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Most alcoholics are in denial of a problem. We couldn't imagine life without alcohol, attempts at moderation were fruitless and so resentments form towards those closest to us and become divisive.
You have the opportunity to help you. Sometimes by those actions others get on board if they become ready and willing. Regardless, if you're ready to get sober you've found an amazing global resource of shared experience,strength and hope.
Perhaps consider some local resources as well, they too can be hugely beneficial.
Welcome
You have the opportunity to help you. Sometimes by those actions others get on board if they become ready and willing. Regardless, if you're ready to get sober you've found an amazing global resource of shared experience,strength and hope.
Perhaps consider some local resources as well, they too can be hugely beneficial.
Welcome
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome to the site.
I managed to get sober, and have stayed that way for 21 months. This is despite my partner continuing to drink heavily and revolve his social life around booze.
Like someone else said, I needed to focus on who and what I could change (me, and MY drinking) and accept what I can't change (other people and what they do). It has meant me making some sober friends and building my own sober life, although we are still a couple. I do go out with him for a while at weekends, but only stay out for a bit, then come home for my own sober night in and alcohol-free treats.
Those sober friends and my own sober activities make life in sobriety so much sweeter.
You can do this if you want it. But you can't make HIM do it.
I managed to get sober, and have stayed that way for 21 months. This is despite my partner continuing to drink heavily and revolve his social life around booze.
Like someone else said, I needed to focus on who and what I could change (me, and MY drinking) and accept what I can't change (other people and what they do). It has meant me making some sober friends and building my own sober life, although we are still a couple. I do go out with him for a while at weekends, but only stay out for a bit, then come home for my own sober night in and alcohol-free treats.
Those sober friends and my own sober activities make life in sobriety so much sweeter.
You can do this if you want it. But you can't make HIM do it.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. 
Best thing I can recommend is working on your own recovery and not trying to change him. He's the only one who can decide to get sober. I would suggest you get sober for yourself and see how it goes after that. 
Best thing I can recommend is working on your own recovery and not trying to change him. He's the only one who can decide to get sober. I would suggest you get sober for yourself and see how it goes after that. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,495
Hi,
My suggestion is to focus all that energy on YOU. Step away from your husband and his issues and work on your recovery. You can change yourself, but you cannot change him. Many members live with partners who drink, so have faith that you can do this.
My suggestion is to focus all that energy on YOU. Step away from your husband and his issues and work on your recovery. You can change yourself, but you cannot change him. Many members live with partners who drink, so have faith that you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,579
I find now after only 9 days of sobriety that I can think and see things more clearly and believe that this will happen to you when looking at your own marriage and what you need and want for yourself. Must say, the thought of living with a really heavy drinker makes me shudder. I would be dust in terms of my own sobriety. Welcome and stay posted.
You can have reasons, or you can have results, but you can't have both.
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 1,232
Hi, Racer. I'm new here as well.
I relate to your situation. I've struggled with alcohol for decades, but it was my relationship with a much heavier drinker in 2013 which created the environment where my own addiction jumped to a much higher level. I drank more to be able to enjoy his company. I drank more because it was a judgment-free zone. I drank more and more. After we broke up, my drinking unfortunately stayed at that high level and I went on to experience seizures, health problems, blackouts, and a DWI.
It was a huge mistake for me to let his drinking influence my own. My advice for you is to completely divorce your alcohol choices from his. The more you let booze tighten its grip, the harder it is to break free.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
I relate to your situation. I've struggled with alcohol for decades, but it was my relationship with a much heavier drinker in 2013 which created the environment where my own addiction jumped to a much higher level. I drank more to be able to enjoy his company. I drank more because it was a judgment-free zone. I drank more and more. After we broke up, my drinking unfortunately stayed at that high level and I went on to experience seizures, health problems, blackouts, and a DWI.
It was a huge mistake for me to let his drinking influence my own. My advice for you is to completely divorce your alcohol choices from his. The more you let booze tighten its grip, the harder it is to break free.
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
