Two weeks - but this is too hard...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5
Two weeks - but this is too hard...
Hi everyone,
I hope I'm in the right place. I'm a bit isolated atm and need people who understand. I have bipolar disorder and mania has led me to abuse alcohol - very seriously over the past six months. I would drink throughout the afternoon and evening, every day, always a bottle of wine in my bag. I drank at work, while lecturing, while driving and at home on my own. I did some pretty stupid and embarrassing things while I was black out drunk.
Eventually I overdosed one night (booze and prescription meds) and woke up in Emergency with a broken arm. They scheduled me but after a couple of weeks in different hospitals, I was out. I was still manic and stopped at the bottle shop on the way home.
I tried, over the subsequent weeks, to be moderate, but one bottle always led to two or three. Then I entered into a relationship with a guy and I was so happy - I really thought that this would keep me on the straight and narrow. But one night we both got wasted and something quite abusive happened. It was my fault, I put myself in that vulnerable position. After he left, I was completely devastated and overdosed again.
I woke up in Emergency again and people were far less compassionate this time. I didn't speak about the assault. Doctors, consultants, D&A officers just attacked me with judgment and reminders of how dangerous my behaviour had become. I was scheduled for another week but was ultimately released to go on a family trip to Perth on the condition that I take Antabuse and stay with my parents.
Now I'm in Perth, exhausted, depressed and hanging for a drink. Noone here knows about the drama. It's been two weeks since my last drink and I am planning to go off the Antabuse. My whole body hurts and I feel lonely and ashamed. I miss drinking and mania. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
I hope I'm in the right place. I'm a bit isolated atm and need people who understand. I have bipolar disorder and mania has led me to abuse alcohol - very seriously over the past six months. I would drink throughout the afternoon and evening, every day, always a bottle of wine in my bag. I drank at work, while lecturing, while driving and at home on my own. I did some pretty stupid and embarrassing things while I was black out drunk.
Eventually I overdosed one night (booze and prescription meds) and woke up in Emergency with a broken arm. They scheduled me but after a couple of weeks in different hospitals, I was out. I was still manic and stopped at the bottle shop on the way home.
I tried, over the subsequent weeks, to be moderate, but one bottle always led to two or three. Then I entered into a relationship with a guy and I was so happy - I really thought that this would keep me on the straight and narrow. But one night we both got wasted and something quite abusive happened. It was my fault, I put myself in that vulnerable position. After he left, I was completely devastated and overdosed again.
I woke up in Emergency again and people were far less compassionate this time. I didn't speak about the assault. Doctors, consultants, D&A officers just attacked me with judgment and reminders of how dangerous my behaviour had become. I was scheduled for another week but was ultimately released to go on a family trip to Perth on the condition that I take Antabuse and stay with my parents.
Now I'm in Perth, exhausted, depressed and hanging for a drink. Noone here knows about the drama. It's been two weeks since my last drink and I am planning to go off the Antabuse. My whole body hurts and I feel lonely and ashamed. I miss drinking and mania. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
You might consider a structured program in or out patient rehab. We don't always survive blackouts - respiratory failure is a real possibility. Two weeks is a great start, but discontinuing what you were prescribed sounds like a bad choice.
We all had to find that way of wanting to stay sober more than drink. No one can cajole you into it. Sounds like you're relatively young - hope you find a way to be willing to seek help.
We all had to find that way of wanting to stay sober more than drink. No one can cajole you into it. Sounds like you're relatively young - hope you find a way to be willing to seek help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 701
Welcome Steps1. I won't speculate on the abuse you suffered, but something about you stating that it was your fault and that you had put yourself in the situation - that raises red flags to me. Perhaps you could speak with someone you trust about the incident and get their perspective.
It's a great group here, glad you found SR.
It's a great group here, glad you found SR.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 387
I know what you mean about the mania, you feel like a God. I finally went to a doc many years ago. She put me on Lithium which stablised things. But it exposed an underlying chronic depression. That has taken hard work. Now I'm working on the booze. Hope you stick with it.
By the way, I agree with FormerWineGirl: It is NEVER your fault if you are abused. I second her suggestion to talk to someone about it, preferably a therapist, before it becomes another demon you have to kill.
I really feel for you and I with you the best.
KP
By the way, I agree with FormerWineGirl: It is NEVER your fault if you are abused. I second her suggestion to talk to someone about it, preferably a therapist, before it becomes another demon you have to kill.
I really feel for you and I with you the best.
KP
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Steps - glad you made it here. There is a wealth of support and information on this site. It has supported me well since getting sober 21 months ago. At first I tried to do sobriety just with this site, but after about a month I was tearing my hair out, and finally went along to AA. I expected that they could keep me sober. What I didn't expect was what I got, which was learning and understanding about dealing with life. A new perspective. On the outside, my life: my teaching job; my relationships; my partner; my finances - well, money in and necessary outgoings / bills; my elderly cat; etc.; etc. have all stayed the same. But my experience of my life is so different. I no longer go to bed hoping that I'll die in my sleep. I have also got a support network of other women who support and understand me: who know that thirst for alcohol and for drama; and how acting out on one leads to the other. Two people who I have felt able to tell things that I thought I'd have to take to the grave (or at least murder the person who found them out if that happened).
There is hope. How you are feeling now will pass. But please, in the meantime, get yourself as much support as you can (not necessarily from AA - I'm sure that there will be other support plans available where you live as well as that). This is not just the end - it's the bud of a beautiful new life which is yours for the taking.
Wishing you well on your journey of recovery to sobriety, peace, joy and serenity.
There is hope. How you are feeling now will pass. But please, in the meantime, get yourself as much support as you can (not necessarily from AA - I'm sure that there will be other support plans available where you live as well as that). This is not just the end - it's the bud of a beautiful new life which is yours for the taking.
Wishing you well on your journey of recovery to sobriety, peace, joy and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,591
I'm with formerwinegirl and keep pushing. The abuse was not your fault. That's sorta like saying I wore a mini skirt so I was asking for it. Not. Please talk with a counsellor/psychologist about the abuse before you bury that in alcohol too. And that's what happens, I know.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 18
Welcome Steps1!
Sounds like you're on quite a roller coaster. We've all had a ticket and joined at different stages, so you're in the right place!
If your bipolar has been medically diagnosed I'd be checking with the doc that your current meds are meeting your needs? It certainly sounds like you should review them.
As others have said above, you need to stabilise first then sort the booze ( however, as you know, the booze doesn't help!)
Good luck and please be honest with your doctor.
Take care
TCx
Sounds like you're on quite a roller coaster. We've all had a ticket and joined at different stages, so you're in the right place!
If your bipolar has been medically diagnosed I'd be checking with the doc that your current meds are meeting your needs? It certainly sounds like you should review them.
As others have said above, you need to stabilise first then sort the booze ( however, as you know, the booze doesn't help!)
Good luck and please be honest with your doctor.
Take care
TCx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 748
Hi there.
I agree with all that has been said here. Firstly being abused makes you a victim. Nothing you can do or say justifies being on the end of verbal, physical or sexual abuse.
And trickcyclist is so spot on about the importance of getting the bipolar stabilised. (Have you been formally diagnosed? This is very important because there are so many other illnesses which have similar symptoms)
I relate to a lot of what you write. Both before being diagnosed, and in the early years of treatment for bipolar, I was out of control. I had to work for years, literally years, going through several psychologists, 3 psychiatric hospital stays and gods know how many combination of meds (feels like at least 50) before I finally got myself on an even keel. With the help of meds and a weekly counselling session (even though I have been stable for years I never miss an appointment) I am finally in a stable state... no depression... no euphoria... and if my mood starts to swing I can adjust it by tweaking the meds. It was only when I got on top of the bipolar I realised that drink had been my choice of medication for 2 décades and that I was an out an out alcholic and ready to deal with that.
You can't tackle everything head on at once. Please please invest time.. as much time as you can...be tenacious ...to get the right support and solutions for the bipolar. first. There are so many amazing treatments today there is no reason to live with the depression, lethargy or manic épisodes. Perhaps it is a controversial comment but my Dr always felt there was no real point in me wasting energy trying to get sober until my bipolar was well Under control.
I don't know how it works where you are but the defining moment in my treatment came from a self imposed one month stay in a Psychiatric clinic. The Drs tried several combis of meds, counselling, mediation and other thérapies and that was really the springboard for me.
Other things that are working for me on the energy front. I set myself 2 and only 2 objectives a day, no matter how small... go for a walk with the kids, post that overdue bill... whatever. I also always clean the kitchen before I go to bed and make my bed as soon as I get up the next day. I force myself to get outside for a walk everyday, I drink as much water as I can, and I avoid all tranquilisers and sleeping pills.
Keep us posted. Will be thinking of you.
I agree with all that has been said here. Firstly being abused makes you a victim. Nothing you can do or say justifies being on the end of verbal, physical or sexual abuse.
And trickcyclist is so spot on about the importance of getting the bipolar stabilised. (Have you been formally diagnosed? This is very important because there are so many other illnesses which have similar symptoms)
I relate to a lot of what you write. Both before being diagnosed, and in the early years of treatment for bipolar, I was out of control. I had to work for years, literally years, going through several psychologists, 3 psychiatric hospital stays and gods know how many combination of meds (feels like at least 50) before I finally got myself on an even keel. With the help of meds and a weekly counselling session (even though I have been stable for years I never miss an appointment) I am finally in a stable state... no depression... no euphoria... and if my mood starts to swing I can adjust it by tweaking the meds. It was only when I got on top of the bipolar I realised that drink had been my choice of medication for 2 décades and that I was an out an out alcholic and ready to deal with that.
You can't tackle everything head on at once. Please please invest time.. as much time as you can...be tenacious ...to get the right support and solutions for the bipolar. first. There are so many amazing treatments today there is no reason to live with the depression, lethargy or manic épisodes. Perhaps it is a controversial comment but my Dr always felt there was no real point in me wasting energy trying to get sober until my bipolar was well Under control.
I don't know how it works where you are but the defining moment in my treatment came from a self imposed one month stay in a Psychiatric clinic. The Drs tried several combis of meds, counselling, mediation and other thérapies and that was really the springboard for me.
Other things that are working for me on the energy front. I set myself 2 and only 2 objectives a day, no matter how small... go for a walk with the kids, post that overdue bill... whatever. I also always clean the kitchen before I go to bed and make my bed as soon as I get up the next day. I force myself to get outside for a walk everyday, I drink as much water as I can, and I avoid all tranquilisers and sleeping pills.
Keep us posted. Will be thinking of you.
Last edited by Fabat50; 12-30-2015 at 02:36 AM. Reason: spelling
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
There's been some great advice here already. It makes me sad to read you think the assault was your fault.
If you decide you want to talk about it these places might be a good place to start?
(I put a few links in so you can find the most appropriate one for whatever happened)
Sexual Assault Resource Centre (SARC) - Services A - Z - Women and Newborn Health Service
https://www.wa.gov.au/information-ab...estic-violence
http://www.dcp.wa.gov.au/crisisandem...helplines.aspx
as you can see there's a lot of folks who deal with what they call dual diagnosis - addiction and something else. I think it's really important to tackle both those areas.
I'm not manic but I can identify with the fear of losing something with sobriety. I think it's a really common fear, but I can honestly say I gain so much from getting sober and staying that way. I hope you'll give it a try
D
If you decide you want to talk about it these places might be a good place to start?
(I put a few links in so you can find the most appropriate one for whatever happened)
Sexual Assault Resource Centre (SARC) - Services A - Z - Women and Newborn Health Service
https://www.wa.gov.au/information-ab...estic-violence
http://www.dcp.wa.gov.au/crisisandem...helplines.aspx
as you can see there's a lot of folks who deal with what they call dual diagnosis - addiction and something else. I think it's really important to tackle both those areas.
I'm not manic but I can identify with the fear of losing something with sobriety. I think it's a really common fear, but I can honestly say I gain so much from getting sober and staying that way. I hope you'll give it a try
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 5
Wow thanks guys... there is so much support and care here. I am feeling really alone in this so it's good to read this advice.
My bipolar 1 was diagnosed about three years ago and I've been to hospital (sometimes voluntarily and sometimes scheduled) more than nine times. I've tried more meds than I can count, but I'm hoping to stick with the current combo. I've got two great psychiatrists.
I know that alcohol is my risk factor. But for some reason it's psychologically impossible for me to connect the act of drinking with the consequences at the moment. That's why I'm being self-destructive - I honestly can't see what it is doing to my life.
I'll reread all your comments and try my best to stick with the program and learn my lesson. But all I really want to do is run away...
Thanks so much to everyone who replied.
My bipolar 1 was diagnosed about three years ago and I've been to hospital (sometimes voluntarily and sometimes scheduled) more than nine times. I've tried more meds than I can count, but I'm hoping to stick with the current combo. I've got two great psychiatrists.
I know that alcohol is my risk factor. But for some reason it's psychologically impossible for me to connect the act of drinking with the consequences at the moment. That's why I'm being self-destructive - I honestly can't see what it is doing to my life.
I'll reread all your comments and try my best to stick with the program and learn my lesson. But all I really want to do is run away...
Thanks so much to everyone who replied.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome and congrats on two weeks!
I think you see quite clearly what drinking is doing to your life. You detail it well in your initial post. But your understanding is overridden by your addiction, and when the first drink is consumed, all bets are off.
So avoid that first drink and deal with the short term discomfort of early sobriety.
Originally Posted by Steps1 
I know that alcohol is my risk factor. But for some reason it's psychologically impossible for me to connect the act of drinking with the consequences at the moment. That's why I'm being self-destructive - I honestly can't see what it is doing to my life.
So avoid that first drink and deal with the short term discomfort of early sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
If you can go to inpatient rehab, do. It will get you away from alcohol and sometimes that's all we need to realize how much better life is without it. (I'm not sure what's available in Australia and how that all works...) At least try out-patient. Support is really valuable. When you're around people who understand what you're going through, the road ahead seems a lot less treacherous.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome, and I'm sorry for the suffering you're going through. Please do not blame yourself for the assault. It is NOT your fault. Yes, you were drinking which made you vulnerable, but that is no excuse for what happened to you.
You will find this community and our members to be very supportive and understanding, so I do hope that you continue to read and post here.
You will find this community and our members to be very supportive and understanding, so I do hope that you continue to read and post here.
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