mcm19

Long story short- on and off relationship with ABF. He was supposed to be in rehab until the middle of January but got out last week "due to insurance reason." Whatever. I'm sure he just went in to detox for a week and never intended to stay any longer.

Before he went in he went on and on about how he wasn't going to get any numbers or give his number to people he met because that's usually how he relapses. Not only did he FB friend a bunch but he only seemed to friend request girls. He has his settings so that no one can add him only he can request so I knew he was lying when he said it must have accidentally added.

So I was done. Just done. I have no desire to be on this crazy train anymore. Told him I was done. Sent some very mean, intentionally hurtful texts, only to be ignored, which he does because he knows it pisses me off. Spent the next 3 days going to meetings re-reading my codependency and brene brown books.

I really regret what I said. Because I do really care about him and love who he is sober. I called him yesterday morning before he went to IOP (HA. Like that was really going to happen). He didn't answer, I left a message saying I'd like a chance to apologize for what I'd said because I didn't want things between us to end of this note.

He didn't call back and when I called around 1pm his phone was off. Ok, many reasons that could be. Today around 1pm his phone is still off. So now I'm getting worried. Ever since he started injecting my anxiety that he's going to OD has been through the roof when I know he's using.

And then I began to worry that my mean texts made him go use and it will be my fault if he ODs. I was able to talk myself down from that ledge acknowledging that while my texts certainly wouldn't have been helpful in him staying sober, I doubt he was sober when I sent them. Plus, I wrote a long letter apology to him and tried to reach out to apologize.

Anyway, just to ease my mind because my wheels were spinning wondering where he was and if he was ok. I had made myself a promise before he went to detox that I would never again drive around trying to find him or see if he was at home or not. So, from the comfort of my warm bed, I searched the county jail to see if maybe he got picked up.

He did. And the charge indicates he was in possession of a LOT of heroin. He must have been dealing to have so much on him. So on top of being an abusive, alcoholic, addict, he's also a drug dealer. He will be facing a lot of jail time, which is probably the best thing for him.

But the Codie in me is still having thoughts of my mean words making him use. I know that's so stupid. And I have no one to talk to about this arrest discovery since his family hates me and my friends and family would kill me if they knew we had even be talking.

Sorry for the long post. Maybe some of you wonder posters can remind me that leaving him is the best thing for me (especially now) and that I may have contributed but I didn't cause this to happen. I'm not the reason he's facing 10-40 years in jail (according to the Google). He would have wound up there without me. Right?!?!

Just gotta breathe.

zoso77

mcm...

I can relate to "going off on the addict" really well. There was a time when my then AGF was behaving so poorly, so I responded poorly as a result. And when I get angry -- like really, really angry -- I'm capable of saying and doing some incredibly hurtful things.

But what I learned through Al Anon is at the end of the day, it didn't make a difference what I did or didn't do because my then AGF was going to do whatever she wanted to do. And when I detached from her, she didn't like that too much and the real her came out. Fortunately, I was able to keep my cool for the most part in the face of what was an epic betrayal.

It doesn't matter what you do or what you don't do regarding your ABF. He's on his own destructive path and will remain on that path until he tires of it and decides to change. The fact you behaved poorly towards him does not mean you're responsible for what he may or may not do. He's responsible for himself. As you're responsible for yourself. And part of that responsibility is to recognize where you've gone of the rails such that you minimize the probability that will happen again.

Detach. You can't help him. You can't save him. You can only save you.

JimC60

MCM,

"........ Maybe some of you wonder posters can remind me that leaving him is the best thing for me (especially now)......."

Well, I certainly don't think I am a wonder poster, but leaving him is the best thing you can do for yourself. I have heard w-a-y too many stories of the manipulation which emanates from behind the prison walls, don't fall for it.

"..... and that I may have contributed....."
I don't think so!

"....... but I didn't cause this to happen. I'm not the reason he's facing 10-40 years in jail......." Now you are thinking straight! His own actions, and only his actions, are the cause of his potential jail time.

" He would have wound up there without me. Right?!?!"........ RIGHT! Just stop a minute and think about what you are suggesting.......you send a nasty text or two so this somehow clicks in your BF's mind - "I think I'll just become a drug dealer, I'll show her!" Huh? Say what? I think your BF decided that dealing was an easy way to support his own habit or get rich with a minimum of effort but a relatively high risk factor - either way, he gambled and lost.

"Just gotta breathe." Good idea.

I am sorry you are going through this and I am certain that it hurts, but you need to let both him and your guilt go.

Keep coming back,

Jim

Hawkeye13

change your number, delete his number, block him on FB both ways
and let it go
you sent him an apology--you don't really need a response from him
unless you are trying to get involved again.

really--you didn't cause it, and he clearly isn't done using yet
start the new year at peace with him out of your life

Refiner

Great timing! New year, clean slate without the addict/drug dealer in your life! Now that he's looking at hard time, he WILL reach out to you to "get stuff". (Letters from the outside, $ in his coffers for commissary, someone to answer his collect phone calls, etc). He knows nothing he does will make you stay away from him. Time to PROVE HIM WRONG.

hopeful4

It is not possible to make someone use. There will always be stresses in life. It's their choice how to handle that. H is very very powerfully addictive. There is no chance he was going to do a week detox and stop H. You have nothing to do with it.

Many hugs. Remember why you wanted away from the anxiety to begin with. Take this time to work on YOU!

mcm19

That is so true about the timing. New year. New me, for sure. Thank you guys for your support.

I think I've been hesitant to close this door completely because I worry if, God forbid, he ODs and dies, I'll never know. But the fact is the person I loved is already dead. He died a long time ago, and someone else is inhabiting his body.

I've blocked on all social media and email. Blocked any phone number he's ever used to call me. Blocked the number from jail that he called from yesterday - hung up as soon as I heard the automated introduction about who's calling. If he finds another way to reach out then I'll get a new number all together.

I regretted what I said. Left that voicemail that I wanted to apologize on Monday. My conscience is clear in that respect. Time to really dig down and turn this into the best thing that's ever happened to me. My therapist has been pushing me to get online and trying to start dating again (even she didn't know I was still talking to him because I was embarrassed to admit it to anyone, honestly) but I need to really find myself this year and become healthy so I won't date guys like him anymore.

After going to several meetings I finally got the nerve to share a bit and was met with unexpected responses and questions of why I'd be going to these meetings if the addict was out of my life.

So I'm confused. Is it not ok to attend al-anon or nar-anon if there's currently no addict in my life?

JOIE12

You will still need to work on your issues or risk becoming involved in this type of relationship again.

Priscilla84

It is supposedly okay to go to Al Anon or Nar Anon even if the addict is not in your life anymore.. Though I tend to stay quiet and just listen because I feel uncomfortable sharing that he isn't in my life anymore. It makes me feel weak in some way that he is out of my life and I still need some support. But there are other people there who are divorced from their addict, or haven't spoken to their addict child in several years, so it should be fine.

JOIE12

definitely - keep going. There is a reason why we attract people who 'need' us. Regardless of our feelings and what may not work out - codependency is a very real affliction. Blame can be placed upon the addict, sure ... but we are responsible for what we allowed. I also found that the adrenaline that you don't necessarily 'feel' becomes an addiction also .. the drama and immediacy of each confrontation. It takes time and reconditioning to be happy without that. Our mind and body becomes 'used' to the push and pull of a relationship with an addict.

odaat13

like everyone else i suffer from a similar story to yours. i lost my GF to heroin then we agreed to remain friends only ...she is in rehab right now....

i just want to tell you that you are not responsible for your BF being in jail. it was his decision to use. it is not your fault.

i feel that so many of my friend's problems and decisions are my fault. you are powerless over his addiction. keep reminding yourself these things.

speak to yourself in second person... say "i am good enough. it is not my fault. i am not responsible. i just let go so that he can work on himself and so that i can work on me" etc.... i am working on the same things. treating yourself better is the only way you can become more mentally stable.

you sound smart and understandable. you know the right things. just remind yourself! best of luck.

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i found this in another post and i love it:
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
But to grow and live in the future.