Understanding from others
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 354
Understanding from others
Hi guys and gals 
Well I made it through Christmas! That's 37 days sober My first sober/drug free Christmas since I was a teenager I think. And the longest I've been without a drink in that past 20 odd years prior to this is probably about a week. Once. Maybe twice at best.
It's been great - fantastic in fact! Of course I've had my moments, but all in all it has without a doubt been the best thing I have ever done in my life.
But... my SO doesn't understand me! Or rather, what I am doing and what I am going through. I am not the best communicator at the best of times, I have to admit. And so I am reaching out to ask for advice and/or provide any links that may help me explain to her what it is like to be a recovering alcoholic.
This has come to a bit of a head this evening after I was told that I was indifferent towards her on Christmas Day.
And I don't doubt I came across that way - she started drinking not long after mid-day and didn't stop until falling asleep on the sofa in the early evening. (She has not changed her drinking habits since I quit, and although I haven't asked her to do so a bit of moral support through abstinence on her part wouldn't have been unwelcome by any means).
I wasn't being indifferent to her, I was just determined not to have a drink on Christmas Day and the only way I knew to ensure that didn't happen was to ensure I didn't have a glass of wine in my face the whole day.
It was bad enough with her and her dad waxing lyrical about the "lovely wine" over dinner. Whilst I wasn't tempted at all, the complete lack of understanding ("hello, recovering alcoholic sitting right next to you!!!") sure did leave a sour taste.
On top of this, and something which I have been debating on whether to post about for the past few days, is that we are due to go to her friends' place for New Years Eve celebrations. An evening where alcohol, and getting drunk, will be the central theme. One of said friends has already "joked" that I won't get through the evening without a drink. So again, not a lot of understanding going on there either! The only alternative (and yes, sadly, it is the ONLY alternative) is to spend NYE by myself.
Which kinda makes me sad, and isn't without it's risk for relapse; there's a shop literally over the road open until 11pm so I do fear getting despondent by myself and thinking "oh, sod it!"...
Well, sorry for the disjointed post... I do tend to ramble but needed to get that off my chest and I know I'll get some much needed words of wisdom here to help me negotiate this tricky time - thank you in advance
Well I made it through Christmas! That's 37 days sober
My first sober/drug free Christmas since I was a teenager I think. And the longest I've been without a drink in that past 20 odd years prior to this is probably about a week. Once. Maybe twice at best.It's been great - fantastic in fact! Of course I've had my moments, but all in all it has without a doubt been the best thing I have ever done in my life.
But... my SO doesn't understand me! Or rather, what I am doing and what I am going through. I am not the best communicator at the best of times, I have to admit. And so I am reaching out to ask for advice and/or provide any links that may help me explain to her what it is like to be a recovering alcoholic.
This has come to a bit of a head this evening after I was told that I was indifferent towards her on Christmas Day.
And I don't doubt I came across that way - she started drinking not long after mid-day and didn't stop until falling asleep on the sofa in the early evening. (She has not changed her drinking habits since I quit, and although I haven't asked her to do so a bit of moral support through abstinence on her part wouldn't have been unwelcome by any means).
I wasn't being indifferent to her, I was just determined not to have a drink on Christmas Day and the only way I knew to ensure that didn't happen was to ensure I didn't have a glass of wine in my face the whole day.
It was bad enough with her and her dad waxing lyrical about the "lovely wine" over dinner. Whilst I wasn't tempted at all, the complete lack of understanding ("hello, recovering alcoholic sitting right next to you!!!") sure did leave a sour taste.
On top of this, and something which I have been debating on whether to post about for the past few days, is that we are due to go to her friends' place for New Years Eve celebrations. An evening where alcohol, and getting drunk, will be the central theme. One of said friends has already "joked" that I won't get through the evening without a drink. So again, not a lot of understanding going on there either! The only alternative (and yes, sadly, it is the ONLY alternative) is to spend NYE by myself.
Which kinda makes me sad, and isn't without it's risk for relapse; there's a shop literally over the road open until 11pm so I do fear getting despondent by myself and thinking "oh, sod it!"...
Well, sorry for the disjointed post... I do tend to ramble but needed to get that off my chest and I know I'll get some much needed words of wisdom here to help me negotiate this tricky time - thank you in advance
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've spent many New Years Eves alone. It's not so bad! You're not out on the road with all the drunks, you can binge-watch all your favorite shows, you can eat non-stop and you can even (Heaven forbid) go to bed before 12:00!!!!!!
You'll be fine at home. I totally would not go to a NYE party that was all about drinking. Why would I?
You'll be fine at home. I totally would not go to a NYE party that was all about drinking. Why would I?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
I will offer some unsolicited advice. Just because you are a recovering alcoholic, doesn't mean that people in your life should understand. This is your addiction and you are recovering for you. You haven't even spoken to your partner about not drinking around you. Why not? It's worth a try. She might and she might want to help. Either way, you can continue your sober journey.
My advice about the party is to stay home. In the early days (for many months) I could not be around alcohol and people drinking. I would have to leave the room or do something different. Think of this as a gift you are giving yourself.
My advice about the party is to stay home. In the early days (for many months) I could not be around alcohol and people drinking. I would have to leave the room or do something different. Think of this as a gift you are giving yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 354
Originally Posted by Anna 
I will offer some unsolicited advice. Just because you are a recovering alcoholic, doesn't mean that people in your life should understand. This is your addiction and you are recovering for you. You haven't even spoken to your partner about not drinking around you. Why not? It's worth a try. She might and she might want to help. Either way, you can continue your sober journey.
Thanks for the input - it's certainly making me think, even if it is hurting my brain a little bit
Definitely need to get some sleep* now!* Does make me smile when I type "sleep" as I really will be sleeping, as opposed to being passed out. It has certainly been one of the most enjoyable changes over the past month.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
It would be nice if we all had supportive family friends and spouses - but many of us don't.
That's why places like SR are so important.
It was hard for me to wrap my head around too - I had a sense of entitlement that told me I was owed understanding because of the nice things I did and the attempts I made to understand others.
What I learned instead was this was my journey - no one else needs to understand this for me to get sober and stay that way.
If I need understanding I know where to go for it
D
That's why places like SR are so important.
It was hard for me to wrap my head around too - I had a sense of entitlement that told me I was owed understanding because of the nice things I did and the attempts I made to understand others.
What I learned instead was this was my journey - no one else needs to understand this for me to get sober and stay that way.
If I need understanding I know where to go for it
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Originally Posted by Dee74
It would be nice if we all had supportive family friends and spouses - but many of us don't.
That's why places like SR are so important.
It was hard for me to wrap my head around too - I had a sense of entitlement that told me I was owed understanding because of the nice things I did and the attempts I made to understand others.
What I learned instead was this was my journey - no one else needs to understand this for me to get sober and stay that way.
If I need understanding I know where to go for it
D
That's why places like SR are so important.
It was hard for me to wrap my head around too - I had a sense of entitlement that told me I was owed understanding because of the nice things I did and the attempts I made to understand others.
What I learned instead was this was my journey - no one else needs to understand this for me to get sober and stay that way.
If I need understanding I know where to go for it
D
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
abraxas,
i'd find it difficult to get no support from a SO and to have that person prefer a drinking party to spending NYE with me.
it would seem like odd priorities to me.
you might be starting to see stuff about your relationship/SO that you didn't see before. or pushed out of sight.
i didn't and don't expect people to 'understand', but would wonder about total lack of support from those who supposedly care about me.
from your description, i can see why she felt ignored on Christmas Day and that what you were doing was putting your sobriety first by doing what was safe for you.
i hope you continue to put that first, and "the rest" will teeter-totter through finding a new, different balance. or not.
keep going.
congratulations on getting through difficult times.
i'd find it difficult to get no support from a SO and to have that person prefer a drinking party to spending NYE with me.
it would seem like odd priorities to me.
you might be starting to see stuff about your relationship/SO that you didn't see before. or pushed out of sight.
i didn't and don't expect people to 'understand', but would wonder about total lack of support from those who supposedly care about me.
from your description, i can see why she felt ignored on Christmas Day and that what you were doing was putting your sobriety first by doing what was safe for you.
i hope you continue to put that first, and "the rest" will teeter-totter through finding a new, different balance. or not.
keep going.
congratulations on getting through difficult times.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 354
Originally Posted by fini
i didn't and don't expect people to 'understand', but would wonder about total lack of support from those who supposedly care about me.
After a good night's sleep I can't say I have yet got my head around the general thrust of the responses to my post, but I think I am getting there in some regards.
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