Collateral Damage
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Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 57
Collateral Damage
I am currently visiting my parents' house and feeling an urge to drink, which I am going to write away in this post.
Being in this house - a rural farm house in the mountains, currently surrounded by freshly fallen snow - reminds me of so many times alcohol has touched colorful pieces of my life and turned them to ash.
I can touch artifacts from old relationships that fell apart because of alcohol. I remember getting drunk and writing horrible and punishing letters to my mother telling her that she was stupid for worrying about me. I relive the morning that I had to tell my dad that I needed to go to court - and the New Years Eve when I got so drunk that he had to physically carry me from his car to my bed. I recall waking up and pissing in a decorative waste basket in a room my parents lovingly decorated for me after college. I remember the hundreds of times that I have been watching TV with my parents and gotten up to sneak shots in their kitchen, praying I wouldn't get caught. I feel the sad voices of my family offering everyone in the room a drink - except for me. Or, if me, last and apprehensively.
Truth is, I love my family more than anything in the world. It hurts me to think about having hurt them so much. I think I have made a lot of peace with them as individuals, in large part because I have profusely and honestly apologized for how destructive I used to be. But I'm starting to think the only way that I will feel truly at peace with this past is to actually stop drinking instead of merely hiding it.
Anyway, my urge was coming from a place of: "if I take a drink, all of these emotions will go away and I will feel amazing." But I know I won't. I would feel great for ten minutes, the guilt would set in, I would need to sneak more booze, I would keep drinking until going to bed, and I would wake up feeling horrible about myself. And I would go back home tomorrow feeling like I had lost out on valuable time with people I love.
On that note, I'm going to take a shower, eat some chocolate, and rejoin my dad for some good TV.
-A
Being in this house - a rural farm house in the mountains, currently surrounded by freshly fallen snow - reminds me of so many times alcohol has touched colorful pieces of my life and turned them to ash.
I can touch artifacts from old relationships that fell apart because of alcohol. I remember getting drunk and writing horrible and punishing letters to my mother telling her that she was stupid for worrying about me. I relive the morning that I had to tell my dad that I needed to go to court - and the New Years Eve when I got so drunk that he had to physically carry me from his car to my bed. I recall waking up and pissing in a decorative waste basket in a room my parents lovingly decorated for me after college. I remember the hundreds of times that I have been watching TV with my parents and gotten up to sneak shots in their kitchen, praying I wouldn't get caught. I feel the sad voices of my family offering everyone in the room a drink - except for me. Or, if me, last and apprehensively.
Truth is, I love my family more than anything in the world. It hurts me to think about having hurt them so much. I think I have made a lot of peace with them as individuals, in large part because I have profusely and honestly apologized for how destructive I used to be. But I'm starting to think the only way that I will feel truly at peace with this past is to actually stop drinking instead of merely hiding it.
Anyway, my urge was coming from a place of: "if I take a drink, all of these emotions will go away and I will feel amazing." But I know I won't. I would feel great for ten minutes, the guilt would set in, I would need to sneak more booze, I would keep drinking until going to bed, and I would wake up feeling horrible about myself. And I would go back home tomorrow feeling like I had lost out on valuable time with people I love.
On that note, I'm going to take a shower, eat some chocolate, and rejoin my dad for some good TV.
-A
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by VDGS 
I am currently visiting my parents' house and feeling an urge to drink, which I am going to write away in this post.
Being in this house - a rural farm house in the mountains, currently surrounded by freshly fallen snow - reminds me of so many times alcohol has touched colorful pieces of my life and turned them to ash.
I can touch artifacts from old relationships that fell apart because of alcohol. I remember getting drunk and writing horrible and punishing letters to my mother telling her that she was stupid for worrying about me. I relive the morning that I had to tell my dad that I needed to go to court - and the New Years Eve when I got so drunk that he had to physically carry me from his car to my bed. I recall waking up and pissing in a decorative waste basket in a room my parents lovingly decorated for me after college. I remember the hundreds of times that I have been watching TV with my parents and gotten up to sneak shots in their kitchen, praying I wouldn't get caught. I feel the sad voices of my family offering everyone in the room a drink - except for me. Or, if me, last and apprehensively.
Truth is, I love my family more than anything in the world. It hurts me to think about having hurt them so much. I think I have made a lot of peace with them as individuals, in large part because I have profusely and honestly apologized for how destructive I used to be. But I'm starting to think the only way that I will feel truly at peace with this past is to actually stop drinking instead of merely hiding it.
Anyway, my urge was coming from a place of: "if I take a drink, all of these emotions will go away and I will feel amazing." But I know I won't. I would feel great for ten minutes, the guilt would set in, I would need to sneak more booze, I would keep drinking until going to bed, and I would wake up feeling horrible about myself. And I would go back home tomorrow feeling like I had lost out on valuable time with people I love.
On that note, I'm going to take a shower, eat some chocolate, and rejoin my dad for some good TV.
-A
Being in this house - a rural farm house in the mountains, currently surrounded by freshly fallen snow - reminds me of so many times alcohol has touched colorful pieces of my life and turned them to ash.
I can touch artifacts from old relationships that fell apart because of alcohol. I remember getting drunk and writing horrible and punishing letters to my mother telling her that she was stupid for worrying about me. I relive the morning that I had to tell my dad that I needed to go to court - and the New Years Eve when I got so drunk that he had to physically carry me from his car to my bed. I recall waking up and pissing in a decorative waste basket in a room my parents lovingly decorated for me after college. I remember the hundreds of times that I have been watching TV with my parents and gotten up to sneak shots in their kitchen, praying I wouldn't get caught. I feel the sad voices of my family offering everyone in the room a drink - except for me. Or, if me, last and apprehensively.
Truth is, I love my family more than anything in the world. It hurts me to think about having hurt them so much. I think I have made a lot of peace with them as individuals, in large part because I have profusely and honestly apologized for how destructive I used to be. But I'm starting to think the only way that I will feel truly at peace with this past is to actually stop drinking instead of merely hiding it.
Anyway, my urge was coming from a place of: "if I take a drink, all of these emotions will go away and I will feel amazing." But I know I won't. I would feel great for ten minutes, the guilt would set in, I would need to sneak more booze, I would keep drinking until going to bed, and I would wake up feeling horrible about myself. And I would go back home tomorrow feeling like I had lost out on valuable time with people I love.
On that note, I'm going to take a shower, eat some chocolate, and rejoin my dad for some good TV.
-A
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