The Language of Letting Go, December 29
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The Language of Letting Go, December 29
DECEMBER 29
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often they are necessary.
Sometimes we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and sometimes to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. Higher Power, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
You are reading from the book "The Language of Letting Go."
Moving On
Learn the art of acceptance. It's a lot of grief.
--Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often they are necessary.
Sometimes we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That's okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and sometimes to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people - in love, family, friendships, and work - when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will get met.
Today I will accept where I am in my relationships, even if that place is awkward and uncomfortable. If I am in the midst of endings, I will face and accept my grief. Higher Power, help me trust that the path I am on has been perfectly and lovingly planned for me. Help me believe that my relationships are teaching me important lessons. Help me accept and be grateful for middles, endings, and new beginnings.
©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California
Posts: 38
thank-you so much! this is exactly what i needed to read today. I really need to buy this book! I am in fear of ending a relationship that I know is not good for me. Right now the only thing keeping me with him is hard thoughts have breaking a lease and finding movers to help move my things out of our place. I am not ready yet tho, I still have hopes things will get better. But I can trust myself when I will be ready to take care of myself and I know the lesson I will be learning is warning signs of an alcoholic. I will remember this...Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
I'm in this place right now as well. The awkward middle. Where my head has accepted that an ending probably is the best thing for us, but my heart isn't yet on board. I need to trust that this path will go as planned and that I can't force my way through it. I'm praying for the wisdom to know the difference right now.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I love this one... Thanks honeypig.
I have lingered in many relationships, stages, jobs, for too long... and I've always been so hard on myself for it... Like, what's the matter with me? Why can't I just move the F on...?
But this thinking is helpful to me to be gentle with myself, and know that things happen when they're meant to... and it's okay that I wasn't ready when I thought I "should have been". I've learned a lot in the process, that I may not have learned otherwise...
I have lingered in many relationships, stages, jobs, for too long... and I've always been so hard on myself for it... Like, what's the matter with me? Why can't I just move the F on...?
But this thinking is helpful to me to be gentle with myself, and know that things happen when they're meant to... and it's okay that I wasn't ready when I thought I "should have been". I've learned a lot in the process, that I may not have learned otherwise...
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 46
honey,
Interesting indeed. I'm letting go of my mother - she is alive and well, but no contact in about 4 months. The last thing I said to her via an email was, "This is America and I do have a right to my own opinion, right"? Absolute silence!! Obviously I do not have a right to think or feel differently than her. I'm almost 45! I was on this site back in the summer when I was working on not drinking. I believe we all have the ability to gain control of our addictions. Some of those addictions are people. Me always wanting a mother I can never have. I can't get the mothering from my biological mother that I crave. That is a tried and true reality! I can't even have small doses of contact either. One call with her is like having a case of beer or 5th in hand, the next thing I know, I have lost all control of my thoughts, my life. I could go on and on about her. BUT this isn't about her. It's about me. It is HARD to move on from toxic people. My sister has been no contact with her for several years. Sad and it grieves her, but she always said it was the right choice for her and let me walk my own path. So I am moving forward. It is hard. I have tried to cope and then had fits of rage and tears for the loss. Nothing calm or pretty about it. There has also been not one temptation to be the one to call and apologize for something I didn't do AGAIN just to have her in my life. She is a trigger and I can't be the best me or the wife and mother I need and want to be if I am in a relationship with her. Has anyone else walked away from parental relationships that were toxic? Any thoughts? My mom was not a drinker and her only drugs came in little brown bottles from the doctors and she would pick and choose which ones to take based on her mood. Because she always knew more than anyone else......
Interesting indeed. I'm letting go of my mother - she is alive and well, but no contact in about 4 months. The last thing I said to her via an email was, "This is America and I do have a right to my own opinion, right"? Absolute silence!! Obviously I do not have a right to think or feel differently than her. I'm almost 45! I was on this site back in the summer when I was working on not drinking. I believe we all have the ability to gain control of our addictions. Some of those addictions are people. Me always wanting a mother I can never have. I can't get the mothering from my biological mother that I crave. That is a tried and true reality! I can't even have small doses of contact either. One call with her is like having a case of beer or 5th in hand, the next thing I know, I have lost all control of my thoughts, my life. I could go on and on about her. BUT this isn't about her. It's about me. It is HARD to move on from toxic people. My sister has been no contact with her for several years. Sad and it grieves her, but she always said it was the right choice for her and let me walk my own path. So I am moving forward. It is hard. I have tried to cope and then had fits of rage and tears for the loss. Nothing calm or pretty about it. There has also been not one temptation to be the one to call and apologize for something I didn't do AGAIN just to have her in my life. She is a trigger and I can't be the best me or the wife and mother I need and want to be if I am in a relationship with her. Has anyone else walked away from parental relationships that were toxic? Any thoughts? My mom was not a drinker and her only drugs came in little brown bottles from the doctors and she would pick and choose which ones to take based on her mood. Because she always knew more than anyone else......
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