RAH's Xmas Drama Acts 1 & 2
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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RAH's Xmas Drama Acts 1 & 2
Act I - The Dog 
Months ago we agreed to watch a dog for the holiday weekend. I was under the impression we would keep it at their house as we had in the past. But they wanted us to keep the dog at our house, I warned my H and DS that we'd probably have to crate it as it pees just when it sees me.
So his owner brought his dog over a few times to hang out with our dogs as practice runs in December. He and my RAH would just let him in the house unsupervised. Both times I came home from the gym to multiple messes in a matter of minutes. I was livid
and I warned my H that this dog was a problem and he'd have to be not left alone or put in a crate at all times. Several times the owner said he slept with the dog and he was sure he'd be begging to hop in our bed. Since we already have our two dogs in the bed, I remained silent. There was no way I was going to reassure this guy that this dog would be anywhere near my bed.
So when the dog was brought over, I put him on a leash and kept him near one of us all day. We took him out quite a bit. He made it through Xmas day without an accident. But that night my H decided to try to sleep with the dog along with our two dogs! I told him he was making a mistake and left to sleep on the couch. Sure enough, at 3 am he is up cursing and stripping the bed and carrying on to be sure all of us were awakened. The dog pooped and peed in our bed.
So I laid there and thought, "Do I help him?" And I decided not to. I went back to sleep.
Act 2
We realized the second cable box is not working Sunday night. For some reason my H decides to get on their phone system on a holiday weekend and starts pitching a fit before he ever gets to a human. I recently did the whole switch TV/internet company game, so he is loudly huffing that he doesn't know whose name or phone number the account is in, he doesn't know the account number, etc. It is impossible to tell when he is huffing at me or the voice activated phone menu. I went upstairs and got my cable bill folder and handed it to him rather than get upset or take over the task. He proceeded to set up for a service call when both of us are at work. I said, "I don't think they'll come in the house with just a minor here." RAH snapped, It'll be fine. Be glad I took care of it.
"OK, but I don't feel comfortable with some stranger in the house when we aren't home." and I left it at that.
So today, I got a computer call confirming the cable repair appt. At the end of the message, it said an adult had to be there. So I called RAH and he was too busy to talk and deal with the situation he created. I texted DS the repair details and alerted him he might not even do the call since he was a minor.
So about noon DS texted and said the poor cable guy wouldn't come in. I said, your dad is home at 1 and he can deal with it since he set it up that way.
These are the sort of stupid decisions that in the past, I'd step in and do a lot of mothering and nagging until he snapped at me too and gave him yet another outlet to release his anger. Then I'd get ticked off for him snapping at me while I was 'helping.' I'm starting to suspect he sets these situations up to release anger. He doesn't know any other way. He is getting angrier since I don't play my role. It is SO hard to step away and not take care of stuff. It is SO hard to not say,"I told you so."
And I have to admit, sometimes I still say it once - though I guess in my old patterns I'd say that at least a half dozen times!
Months ago we agreed to watch a dog for the holiday weekend. I was under the impression we would keep it at their house as we had in the past. But they wanted us to keep the dog at our house, I warned my H and DS that we'd probably have to crate it as it pees just when it sees me.
So his owner brought his dog over a few times to hang out with our dogs as practice runs in December. He and my RAH would just let him in the house unsupervised. Both times I came home from the gym to multiple messes in a matter of minutes. I was livid
and I warned my H that this dog was a problem and he'd have to be not left alone or put in a crate at all times. Several times the owner said he slept with the dog and he was sure he'd be begging to hop in our bed. Since we already have our two dogs in the bed, I remained silent. There was no way I was going to reassure this guy that this dog would be anywhere near my bed.So when the dog was brought over, I put him on a leash and kept him near one of us all day. We took him out quite a bit. He made it through Xmas day without an accident. But that night my H decided to try to sleep with the dog along with our two dogs! I told him he was making a mistake and left to sleep on the couch. Sure enough, at 3 am he is up cursing and stripping the bed and carrying on to be sure all of us were awakened. The dog pooped and peed in our bed.
So I laid there and thought, "Do I help him?" And I decided not to. I went back to sleep.Act 2
We realized the second cable box is not working Sunday night. For some reason my H decides to get on their phone system on a holiday weekend and starts pitching a fit before he ever gets to a human. I recently did the whole switch TV/internet company game, so he is loudly huffing that he doesn't know whose name or phone number the account is in, he doesn't know the account number, etc. It is impossible to tell when he is huffing at me or the voice activated phone menu. I went upstairs and got my cable bill folder and handed it to him rather than get upset or take over the task. He proceeded to set up for a service call when both of us are at work. I said, "I don't think they'll come in the house with just a minor here." RAH snapped, It'll be fine. Be glad I took care of it.
"OK, but I don't feel comfortable with some stranger in the house when we aren't home." and I left it at that.
So today, I got a computer call confirming the cable repair appt. At the end of the message, it said an adult had to be there. So I called RAH and he was too busy to talk and deal with the situation he created. I texted DS the repair details and alerted him he might not even do the call since he was a minor.
So about noon DS texted and said the poor cable guy wouldn't come in. I said, your dad is home at 1 and he can deal with it since he set it up that way.
These are the sort of stupid decisions that in the past, I'd step in and do a lot of mothering and nagging until he snapped at me too and gave him yet another outlet to release his anger. Then I'd get ticked off for him snapping at me while I was 'helping.' I'm starting to suspect he sets these situations up to release anger. He doesn't know any other way. He is getting angrier since I don't play my role. It is SO hard to step away and not take care of stuff. It is SO hard to not say,"I told you so."
And I have to admit, sometimes I still say it once - though I guess in my old patterns I'd say that at least a half dozen times!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I'm starting to suspect he sets these situations up to release anger. He doesn't know any other way.
This makes a lot of sense to me (in a dysfunctional sort of way). I grew up in an environment where anger either had to be stuffed or released in big, dramatic explosions. There were those "eggshell" times when you knew an explosion was imminent and were just tiptoeing around hoping it wouldn't be directed at you when it happened. There was no healthy way of dealing with strong emotions so setting up a situation to unload those feelings was a sensible solution in that context.
You handled it like a champ CJ. Sounds like you've become adept at spotting and avoiding those landmines (including the ones left by the dog).
This makes a lot of sense to me (in a dysfunctional sort of way). I grew up in an environment where anger either had to be stuffed or released in big, dramatic explosions. There were those "eggshell" times when you knew an explosion was imminent and were just tiptoeing around hoping it wouldn't be directed at you when it happened. There was no healthy way of dealing with strong emotions so setting up a situation to unload those feelings was a sensible solution in that context.
You handled it like a champ CJ. Sounds like you've become adept at spotting and avoiding those landmines (including the ones left by the dog).
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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CodeJob......what was his pre addiction personality like? Has he always been easily frustrated...or forgetful of promises or instructions?
Is there a history of ADD for him or in his family.....?
Just wondering......
This has got to be very draining for you to live with!!
dandylion
Is there a history of ADD for him or in his family.....?
Just wondering......
This has got to be very draining for you to live with!!
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Wow-CodeJob-this speaks to me on so many levels. Proud of you for handling like a champ-I too used to step in and take over and try to handle things bc my then husband would not or could not with any logical or sensical reasoning. Def part of my dysfunction. We Codie's tend to be fantastic helpers and savers!
Good for you, seriously.
Good for you, seriously.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Yeah in undoing the codependent role that means responsibility falls to the former receiver of "i have no responsibilities for managing the household (yay!!) because my wife handles everything"!
I wish I had someone to handle it all. LOL. I need a wife. One of the harder things for me to do is to do nothing and let RAH handle things - most of which are mundane in nature, but are addressed with the seriousness of a home purchase. Amazingly he has the ability to schedule things and fix things just fine without my help! He was very out of practice.
I wish I had someone to handle it all. LOL. I need a wife. One of the harder things for me to do is to do nothing and let RAH handle things - most of which are mundane in nature, but are addressed with the seriousness of a home purchase. Amazingly he has the ability to schedule things and fix things just fine without my help! He was very out of practice.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I can't, frankly, imagine asking a friend to keep my pet at their house, much less suggesting they allow the pet to sleep with them--even if it didn't have the *ahem* history that this one does. Pets can be destructive little critters, especially when they are in a strange place with strange people and with a strange routine. I think you'd be well within your rights as a good friend to say, "We'll be happy to come over and feed/walk him, but we can't have him here."
The cable situation--that sounds a little more like someone who still has problems with "life on life's terms." I totally get his frustration--one of the most challenging situations for me, in early sobriety, was (believe it or not) having to call the cable company. Even now, I feel my blood pressure go up when I even THINK about having to call about something. Sorry you and your son got dragged into it. Sounds like YOU handled both situations pretty well (though I think I'd dig my heels in about doing any more in-house pet-sitting--it's YOUR house, too).
The cable situation--that sounds a little more like someone who still has problems with "life on life's terms." I totally get his frustration--one of the most challenging situations for me, in early sobriety, was (believe it or not) having to call the cable company. Even now, I feel my blood pressure go up when I even THINK about having to call about something. Sorry you and your son got dragged into it. Sounds like YOU handled both situations pretty well (though I think I'd dig my heels in about doing any more in-house pet-sitting--it's YOUR house, too).
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Wow CJ, I hope you re-read your post when you're feeling frustrated. What an incredible few days of self-control and letting him manage his own messes...what a great example--especially the cable company. With DS involved the "mom" in me feels like protecting him from the big bad cable guy...so I'm sure that took some serious effort to let go.
You rock!
And I'm so sorry RAH still does these things.
You rock!
And I'm so sorry RAH still does these things.
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 91
Ugh! The damn cable company fight! I've had that one more than once. AH gets his pre game drunk on and then discovers that his game isn't showing on our channels so it becomes this emergency that I'm supposed to handle for him because he doesn't have a clue when he's sober, let alone drunk. Grrr!!!
You have my sympathy.
You have my sympathy.
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