Checking in.... question on reconciling with AH.
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Checking in.... question on reconciling with AH.
Finally I got to work and my computer... I've been wanting to post for the past few days, but my "smart" phone was being such a bugger with me trying to get logged into this site!
My AH and I have been emotionally separated and mostly physically separated since the week before Thanksgiving when he had a huge anger-driven blow up which ultimately caused CPS to become involved because of a safety concern with a gun and a threat.
That was about six weeks ago. I am struggling. I have so much guilt. So many questions. I feel like I'm stuck in a maze and I can't seem to find my way out. My mind is reeling. One moment I feel like I should have left a LONG time ago (its been ten years of the crazy cycle of abuse, drinking, make ups and I'm sorrys).... and the next moment I feel sick with guilt because my children love their dad, he hasn't drank in six weeks, he SEEMS to be making changes. But there is no guarantee... no guarantee he will make changes and they will stick but also no guarantee that he will go back to the old crazy cycle.
Has anyone went through this? I need help, guidance, advice... something...
I have a personal counselor and she just basically said Amy, he hasn't changed yet, he never will, its time to go. But then why do I have such guilt?
Really struggling here....
ETA:
Even if we did reconcile, I don't know that I have it in my heart to take down that wall that I have worked so long and hard to build against him to protect myself from the hurtful words and abuse that he has projected time and time again over the past ten years.
Is it possible?
My AH and I have been emotionally separated and mostly physically separated since the week before Thanksgiving when he had a huge anger-driven blow up which ultimately caused CPS to become involved because of a safety concern with a gun and a threat.
That was about six weeks ago. I am struggling. I have so much guilt. So many questions. I feel like I'm stuck in a maze and I can't seem to find my way out. My mind is reeling. One moment I feel like I should have left a LONG time ago (its been ten years of the crazy cycle of abuse, drinking, make ups and I'm sorrys).... and the next moment I feel sick with guilt because my children love their dad, he hasn't drank in six weeks, he SEEMS to be making changes. But there is no guarantee... no guarantee he will make changes and they will stick but also no guarantee that he will go back to the old crazy cycle.
Has anyone went through this? I need help, guidance, advice... something...
I have a personal counselor and she just basically said Amy, he hasn't changed yet, he never will, its time to go. But then why do I have such guilt?
Really struggling here....
ETA:
Even if we did reconcile, I don't know that I have it in my heart to take down that wall that I have worked so long and hard to build against him to protect myself from the hurtful words and abuse that he has projected time and time again over the past ten years.
Is it possible?
Last edited by armartin; 12-28-2015 at 08:09 AM. Reason: Addition!
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Six weeks is nothing in terms of reliable recovery.
As an alcoholic myself, I can assure you I would and could
easily pull that off to lull my spouse back in to thinking
I was in control and recovering.
I wasn't--it takes much longer and a great deal of work to recover.
Best he should focus on that and not on dealing w/ difficult family issues
at this time.
Don't put your kids back in that environment.
Please, please wait for at least a year to see if he actually
stays sober and works a program for real recovery.
Keep your distance and protect yourself and your kids.
P.S. I wouldn't tear down that protective wall anytime soon.
If you don't let him back, his facade of kind lovingness will very likely
dissolve into ugly anger and accusation.
Stay safe and don't feel guilty--he perpetrated the abuse and addiction--not you
Ten years is plenty of time to let him choose sobriety, and he didn't.
As an alcoholic myself, I can assure you I would and could
easily pull that off to lull my spouse back in to thinking
I was in control and recovering.
I wasn't--it takes much longer and a great deal of work to recover.
Best he should focus on that and not on dealing w/ difficult family issues
at this time.
Don't put your kids back in that environment.
Please, please wait for at least a year to see if he actually
stays sober and works a program for real recovery.
Keep your distance and protect yourself and your kids.
P.S. I wouldn't tear down that protective wall anytime soon.
If you don't let him back, his facade of kind lovingness will very likely
dissolve into ugly anger and accusation.
Stay safe and don't feel guilty--he perpetrated the abuse and addiction--not you
Ten years is plenty of time to let him choose sobriety, and he didn't.
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But there is no guarantee... no guarantee he will make changes and they will stick but also no guarantee that he will go back to the old crazy cycle.
It is often said here that the bare minimum to consider going back with an A who is in recovery is a year of sobriety. Six weeks isn't even scratching the surface of recovery. And is he just "not drinking", or is he actively working a program that will teach him how to live life w/o his DOC? That makes a huge difference too.
And it does sound like you are through with him. These, to me, are the words of someone who is DONE:
I don't know that I have it in my heart to take down that wall that I have worked so long and hard to build against him to protect myself from the hurtful words and abuse that he has projected time and time again over the past ten years.
I'd strongly suggest that you put any major decision-making about reconciling with him on hold at least until you get that year of sobriety; you'll have a much better idea of what's real and what's not at that time. Keep on taking care of yourself (and I hope that means Alanon and lots of SR, seems like you've not been around too much lately) and your kids.
Take it one day at a time. You don't have to settle your whole life in the next 5 minutes. And YOU are equally as important as any other person in this whole situation, do not forget that.
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Do you really want to risk putting your children through another scene like you had the night he terrorized you all?
Six weeks is very little time. Your children will suffer far more if he doesn't change than they would if you divorced. And you don't even have to do that for right now. What's the rush? See what happens. And even if he stays sober, I'd want to see him SUCCESSFULLY complete a batterers' intervention program before I even CONSIDERED bringing him back into my home with my children.
Six weeks is very little time. Your children will suffer far more if he doesn't change than they would if you divorced. And you don't even have to do that for right now. What's the rush? See what happens. And even if he stays sober, I'd want to see him SUCCESSFULLY complete a batterers' intervention program before I even CONSIDERED bringing him back into my home with my children.
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Hawkeye, thank you for weighing in... I don't know anyone who has gone through recovery and I have no idea what to expect or what boundaries to set.
CPS recommended that he complete a chemical dependency eval. He did, then the person doing the eval called me and then recommended he complete alcohol counseling... he was so angry after that because "I lied to them"....
Now he has decided that he doesn't "need" that alcohol counseling and will just work with his counselor.
I personally feel that we both need to separately work on ourselves before we can even take the first step to make amends with each other.
CPS recommended that he complete a chemical dependency eval. He did, then the person doing the eval called me and then recommended he complete alcohol counseling... he was so angry after that because "I lied to them"....
Now he has decided that he doesn't "need" that alcohol counseling and will just work with his counselor.
I personally feel that we both need to separately work on ourselves before we can even take the first step to make amends with each other.
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He is just not drinking. No AA, hasn't done any counseling for it yet, nothing. He just says he is working to control himself. Which I find a little unbelievable....
he just texted me, I can't stop thinking about you leaving me... it hurts so bad.... I can change Amy I can please.
aggghhhh!
he just texted me, I can't stop thinking about you leaving me... it hurts so bad.... I can change Amy I can please.
aggghhhh!
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He is just not drinking. No AA, hasn't done any counseling for it yet, nothing. He just says he is working to control himself. Which I find a little unbelievable....
You will see it said here that if you want to know how deep an addict's recovery goes, just tell them "no" and see how they handle it. Again, I'm betting the mask comes off in record time when you tell him "no."
Please be safe.
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Can I just use this thread to vent? 
Another thing... I have the "boundaries" book, the love and logic for relationships book, and the co-dependency no more book all on my nightstand... I bounce back and forth between them.... and he says to me, WHY are you reading those?
Uhmmm because I'm trying to better myself, why wouldn't you be supportive of that?
Another thing... I have the "boundaries" book, the love and logic for relationships book, and the co-dependency no more book all on my nightstand... I bounce back and forth between them.... and he says to me, WHY are you reading those?
Uhmmm because I'm trying to better myself, why wouldn't you be supportive of that?
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Originally Posted by armartin 
Can I just use this thread to vent?
Another thing... I have the "boundaries" book, the love and logic for relationships book, and the co-dependency no more book all on my nightstand... I bounce back and forth between them.... and he says to me, WHY are you reading those?
Uhmmm because I'm trying to better myself, why wouldn't you be supportive of that?
Another thing... I have the "boundaries" book, the love and logic for relationships book, and the co-dependency no more book all on my nightstand... I bounce back and forth between them.... and he says to me, WHY are you reading those?
Uhmmm because I'm trying to better myself, why wouldn't you be supportive of that?
"Oh, no! The jig is up! She's learning how to get well. She will find out how horrible this relationship truly is and I will lose control of her. I will no longer be her god!! Oh, no!!!! "
Vent away, my friend.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
As well you should. I am willing to bet this year's paychecks that this is all about control, not about how he has suddenly realized he loves you and can't live w/o you.
You will see it said here that if you want to know how deep an addict's recovery goes, just tell them "no" and see how they handle it. Again, I'm betting the mask comes off in record time when you tell him "no."
Please be safe.
You will see it said here that if you want to know how deep an addict's recovery goes, just tell them "no" and see how they handle it. Again, I'm betting the mask comes off in record time when you tell him "no."
Please be safe.
He's full of crap in what he's saying about "controlling himself"
That's not how addiction rolls--you control yourself until you don't,
and you know what happens then. . .
Also, there is no mention of the abuse part of this.
That is a totally separate issue from the alcoholism Amy.
He isn't safe for you or your kids, and won't be for a long time.
Make plans accordingly, and like your gut is telling you,
work on yourselves apart for now--if he's serious, it
won't be "now or never"
But expect him to say "now or never" cause like honeypig says,
really the issue is control, not love. . .
Love is patient--
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Um, yeah-all above is great advice. Friend, my ex had the most loving sugar coated words too after I filed for divorce-he spent 8 days in rehab and claimed to be a changed man. Only I didn't buy it and told him I needed more time-I told him NO. All hell broke loose and his fake little mask came off in a whirlwind of obscenities, threats and disgusting comments. And it's been like that ever since. Why? Because he's an abusive alcoholic that didn't want his behavior to be outed-I had become a possession and something to control to him and how dare I leave to keep myself and my kids safe. How dare I tell the truth about him and his abuse! That's the only reason he didn't want me to leave. I'd bet my stocks that if you told your husband NO, you would see his true colors. Just my two cents having lived through this. Peace to you
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Perhaps the question I would be asking myself is, " Why do I feel guilty about protecting my children and myself?"
So there was an incident with a threat and a gun and CPS was called. You have zero reason to feel guilty about this, You are only doing your duty, and that is to keep your children out of harm's way. ( and yourself)
I can assure you NOTHING has changed in 6 weeks. If he chooses to embrace a recovery program, he is years away from being healthy again. And the percentage of alcoholics who actually recover is low, very low, so I would not be holding my breath in anticipation.
You and your children cannot keep on living aboard this crazy train. Take comfort in knowing you are taking the necessary steps to ensure your kids safety, and just for today allow that to be enough......... no guilt needed.
big hugs.
So there was an incident with a threat and a gun and CPS was called. You have zero reason to feel guilty about this, You are only doing your duty, and that is to keep your children out of harm's way. ( and yourself)
I can assure you NOTHING has changed in 6 weeks. If he chooses to embrace a recovery program, he is years away from being healthy again. And the percentage of alcoholics who actually recover is low, very low, so I would not be holding my breath in anticipation.
You and your children cannot keep on living aboard this crazy train. Take comfort in knowing you are taking the necessary steps to ensure your kids safety, and just for today allow that to be enough......... no guilt needed.
big hugs.
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Originally Posted by armartin
Can I just use this thread to vent?
Another thing... I have the "boundaries" book, the love and logic for relationships book, and the co-dependency no more book all on my nightstand... I bounce back and forth between them.... and he says to me, WHY are you reading those?
Uhmmm because I'm trying to better myself, why wouldn't you be supportive of that?
Another thing... I have the "boundaries" book, the love and logic for relationships book, and the co-dependency no more book all on my nightstand... I bounce back and forth between them.... and he says to me, WHY are you reading those?
Uhmmm because I'm trying to better myself, why wouldn't you be supportive of that?
Right now he's putting on a show so he can get back to the status quo of everything revolving around him. See how he reacted when you told him no? That's what's real here. The mask is on now because it serves him.
Take care and keep you and the kids safe. Take a huge step back and watch his reaction as you continue to work on your recovery and enforce boundaries. I have a feeling that very soon he will show you whether his "changes" are the real deal.
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How does he even know what you're reading?
See, this is why NO CONTACT for a good long stretch is a great idea. Any contact is an opportunity for him to manipulate--and you're so caught up in it that it's very hard to see it for what it is. A little time and distance can do wonders for bringing you back to reality.
Do you have a custody/parenting time order in place? If not, I'd suggest you get one (you don't have to be divorced; just living apart), and make communication STRICTLY about the children the ONLY communication.
See, this is why NO CONTACT for a good long stretch is a great idea. Any contact is an opportunity for him to manipulate--and you're so caught up in it that it's very hard to see it for what it is. A little time and distance can do wonders for bringing you back to reality.
Do you have a custody/parenting time order in place? If not, I'd suggest you get one (you don't have to be divorced; just living apart), and make communication STRICTLY about the children the ONLY communication.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
How does he even know what you're reading?
See, this is why NO CONTACT for a good long stretch is a great idea. Any contact is an opportunity for him to manipulate--and you're so caught up in it that it's very hard to see it for what it is. A little time and distance can do wonders for bringing you back to reality.
Do you have a custody/parenting time order in place? If not, I'd suggest you get one (you don't have to be divorced; just living apart), and make communication STRICTLY about the children the ONLY communication.
See, this is why NO CONTACT for a good long stretch is a great idea. Any contact is an opportunity for him to manipulate--and you're so caught up in it that it's very hard to see it for what it is. A little time and distance can do wonders for bringing you back to reality.
Do you have a custody/parenting time order in place? If not, I'd suggest you get one (you don't have to be divorced; just living apart), and make communication STRICTLY about the children the ONLY communication.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He says, "well I will move out, but then you need to give me a clean slate".....
NO, NO, NO.
This is not how this works. Out of control people do not get to call the shots.
It truly is time he gets to feel the consequences of his actions.
If it were me , it would be radio silence! No contact, zero, nada, zip.
And I am assuming he was the one threatening with a gun? i would be running to an attorney, and finding out my rights and obligations, and doing everything in my power to make sure any visits with the kids were supervised!
A man /father's role is to protect his family. His wife and children he holds sacred, he does not threaten to cause them harm. He is one messed up dude, and the kind of help he needs, is not going to come from you or the kids!
NO, NO, NO.
This is not how this works. Out of control people do not get to call the shots.
It truly is time he gets to feel the consequences of his actions.
If it were me , it would be radio silence! No contact, zero, nada, zip.
And I am assuming he was the one threatening with a gun? i would be running to an attorney, and finding out my rights and obligations, and doing everything in my power to make sure any visits with the kids were supervised!
A man /father's role is to protect his family. His wife and children he holds sacred, he does not threaten to cause them harm. He is one messed up dude, and the kind of help he needs, is not going to come from you or the kids!
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sorry but GUN and CPS are two of the BIGGEST reasons why you need to get "reconcile" out of your head!!! as it is, he refuses to comply with the CPS recommendations. he refuses to got to AA or do anything that would demonstrate the slightest willingness to change.
he's too busy sending YOU manipulative texts, trying to get you to back down, instead of actually doing any footwork on his own. he HAS NOT changed, he doesn't WANT to change.
your children may love their father, but that does not mean that the father deserves to be in their lives. kids love candy but that doesn't mean they get to eat it 24/7. that's our job as parents, to look out for their BEST interests, and to keep them safe AT ALL TIMES and from all threats. HE is a threat. HE is dangerous.
he's too busy sending YOU manipulative texts, trying to get you to back down, instead of actually doing any footwork on his own. he HAS NOT changed, he doesn't WANT to change.
your children may love their father, but that does not mean that the father deserves to be in their lives. kids love candy but that doesn't mean they get to eat it 24/7. that's our job as parents, to look out for their BEST interests, and to keep them safe AT ALL TIMES and from all threats. HE is a threat. HE is dangerous.
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