Dazed and Confused
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Dazed and Confused
So I've been trying to quit. Sort of. I mean only half of me wants to quit. So I quit and then drink. I was off the drink for about two months this last time. I've been off for as long as six months at a time.
Recently I decided that bc it was my birthday I would let myself drink. Last night I drank a lot. It was very strange. I decided I would only drink a little bc, well, its not good for me. So I'm drinking just a little and feeling nothing. Like really nothing. So I have to drink more, right? I drink more. And more. And more. Trying to get a buz on and getting nothing.
I drank so much I have a hangover now. I never get hangovers. I have one now. Now I feel buzzed. Not a good buz but F*&^ed up. Like I drank too much. But last night I felt nothing. I remember clearly, going to bed thinking, how did I drink that much and feel nothing!?
Anyone else had this experience?
Recently I decided that bc it was my birthday I would let myself drink. Last night I drank a lot. It was very strange. I decided I would only drink a little bc, well, its not good for me. So I'm drinking just a little and feeling nothing. Like really nothing. So I have to drink more, right? I drink more. And more. And more. Trying to get a buz on and getting nothing.
I drank so much I have a hangover now. I never get hangovers. I have one now. Now I feel buzzed. Not a good buz but F*&^ed up. Like I drank too much. But last night I felt nothing. I remember clearly, going to bed thinking, how did I drink that much and feel nothing!?
Anyone else had this experience?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by notsosober77 
So I've been trying to quit. Sort of. I mean only half of me wants to quit. So I quit and then drink. I was off the drink for about two months this last time. I've been off for as long as six months at a time.
Recently I decided that bc it was my birthday I would let myself drink. Last night I drank a lot. It was very strange. I decided I would only drink a little bc, well, its not good for me. So I'm drinking just a little and feeling nothing. Like really nothing. So I have to drink more, right? I drink more. And more. And more. Trying to get a buz on and getting nothing.
I drank so much I have a hangover now. I never get hangovers. I have one now. Now I feel buzzed. Not a good buz but F*&^ed up. Like I drank too much. But last night I felt nothing. I remember clearly, going to bed thinking, how did I drink that much and feel nothing!?
Anyone else had this experience?
Recently I decided that bc it was my birthday I would let myself drink. Last night I drank a lot. It was very strange. I decided I would only drink a little bc, well, its not good for me. So I'm drinking just a little and feeling nothing. Like really nothing. So I have to drink more, right? I drink more. And more. And more. Trying to get a buz on and getting nothing.
I drank so much I have a hangover now. I never get hangovers. I have one now. Now I feel buzzed. Not a good buz but F*&^ed up. Like I drank too much. But last night I felt nothing. I remember clearly, going to bed thinking, how did I drink that much and feel nothing!?
Anyone else had this experience?
Yeah... I've had similar experiences. Then I got pushed into "I Have to quit" by my own repeated consequences. But regardless, I still was only "half committed" even then. So I had - at first - to work on WANTING to. It was the shift to really wanting sobriety that made all the difference. Here are some things I did to make that shift.
"Fake it 'til I make it" - even though I didn't fully embrace wanting to, I often made lists of all the reasons I WANTED sobriety. What were the possible and likely positive outcomes of sobriety. How would those feel. I'd make those lists mentally, physically, I'd remind myself, even when I didn't really totally believe in them. Eventually, I reprogrammed my thinking by consciously focusing on these things.
Role Models - A big hurdle for me was feeling somehow "less than" or "broken" or "left out" because of not drinking. One strategy that helped me was searching out and finding positive, sober role models. I found them in my local community through AA and running groups and other areas of sober society. I found them by researching online to find famous examples of people I looked up to like Tom Waits and Eric Clapton and Henry Rollins and many more - all of whom chose sobriety and were still amazing examples of things I value and look up to.
MY OWN EXPERIENCE - conscious focus on a regular basis on the benefits that were ACTUALLY UNFOLDING in my own life; The lack of hangovers, the lack of blackouts, the healing of shame, the getting out of debt, the saving money, the restoration of respect, the being there for others, the feelings of worth, the capabilities, the physical wellness......
Over time, my avid focus on these things began to shift my perspective... from "I Can't Drink" to "I don't want to drink" to "I am proud of and happy with and as the person I am in sobriety...."
You're not fully embracing sobriety yet - but there is a large piece of you calling out for it. If you just honor that piece of you by searching your life, your soul, your heart for all the reasons that piece of you deserves to come out into the light - you will find willingness growing. And willingness - with nurturing and action - will grow into gratitude, and gratitude will grow into commitment and commitment will grow into change and you will be amazed by the person you become, the life you'll live.
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Great post Owl. It really speaks to me. I never knew Henry Rollins was ... sober.
About fake it till you make it, I've transformed myself in other ways by doing that. In my life, several times, I've made radical changes by just intellectually deciding to do it. Just visualizing it, pretending that I wanted it, pretending that I was it, and then it came true for me.
Problem is, I've been trying to be sober for a while and keep backsliding. It is getting to the point where I can't believe I can do it anymore. Of course that is not true though. I have to do this. I can't keep drinking, that would be so stupid.
About fake it till you make it, I've transformed myself in other ways by doing that. In my life, several times, I've made radical changes by just intellectually deciding to do it. Just visualizing it, pretending that I wanted it, pretending that I was it, and then it came true for me.
Problem is, I've been trying to be sober for a while and keep backsliding. It is getting to the point where I can't believe I can do it anymore. Of course that is not true though. I have to do this. I can't keep drinking, that would be so stupid.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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you can do it....
and just as easily, you can keep backsliding.
Here's the deal; you will either make the choice to try another way and give it a real focus and a real shot..... or you will choose to keep heading down into the darkness until you've beaten the resistance out of yourself and are ready to make the choice.... or you will have the choice made for you through negative consequences.... or you will die.
If you're addicted / alcoholic like me and many many before you - that's the bottom line.
We never choose sobriety until we choose it. And then, invariably, we find ourselves wondering what the heck took us so long.
The choice is yours.
and just as easily, you can keep backsliding.
Here's the deal; you will either make the choice to try another way and give it a real focus and a real shot..... or you will choose to keep heading down into the darkness until you've beaten the resistance out of yourself and are ready to make the choice.... or you will have the choice made for you through negative consequences.... or you will die.
If you're addicted / alcoholic like me and many many before you - that's the bottom line.
We never choose sobriety until we choose it. And then, invariably, we find ourselves wondering what the heck took us so long.
The choice is yours.
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I think it's the 'sort of' in your post that will prevent you from recovering long-term. You need 100% motivation in order to stop drinking and recover. I never could have managed if I hadn't put every effort into it. I hope you're ready to make the choice to live a sober life.
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Join Date: May 2014
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FreeOwl nailed. Recovery is built upon personal responsibility. Even choosing not to decide (which is where I was for a long time, and where I infer you to be) is making a choice. That choice is made internally, by the person in the mirror. It's a pain, but it's also an inescapable truth.
What, if I may ask, are the reasons you feel there is an issue with your consumption?
"I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. That's more than good enough for the cows and me most days."
What, if I may ask, are the reasons you feel there is an issue with your consumption?
"I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. That's more than good enough for the cows and me most days."
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Originally Posted by Austin4Wyo
FreeOwl nailed. Recovery is built upon personal responsibility. Even choosing not to decide (which is where I was for a long time, and where I infer you to be) is making a choice. That choice is made internally, by the person in the mirror. It's a pain, but it's also an inescapable truth.
What, if I may ask, are the reasons you feel there is an issue with your consumption?
"I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. That's more than good enough for the cows and me most days."
What, if I may ask, are the reasons you feel there is an issue with your consumption?
"I take what I like, I leave the rest, and I mind my own business. That's more than good enough for the cows and me most days."
So why do I want to quit, or why do I sometimes want to quit? It is bc I keep drinking more and more all the time. I think serious negative consequences will be in my future if I don't quit. And I can't moderate. I see these people all around me who have one drink and don't even finish it. Or take hours to drink one drink. Or if they do drink a lot then they don't drink again for days or even weeks. I on the other hand suck it down faster than a pig at the trough. If I am drinking, I drink every single day. Sometimes all day long.
I'm getting angry at myself just thinking about this. Why can't I be a normal drinker!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by notsosober77
I guess that is why I'm only half wanting to quit. I haven't had any really bad consequences. I read on here about people who have serious health issues, DUI, job loss, that kind of thing. None of that for me.
I could have said those very same words... in fact, I DID. For many years..... and that was many years after I'd already felt like you already do regarding the pattern and direction of your consumption.
Alcoholism is a slick bastard. And when you finally realize you're really deep in the crapper.... it's now too late to easily make a choice to change it. But until you're too deep in the crapper - you keep on saying "well things aren't really bad enough to change".
Classic alcoholic reasoning.
You will or you wont until you do.
I hope you don't spend 10-15 years racking up shame, regret and consequences first. That's what I did.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by notsosober77
I guess that is why I'm only half wanting to quit. I haven't had any really bad consequences. I read on here about people who have serious health issues, DUI, job loss, that kind of thing. None of that for me.
So why do I want to quit, or why do I sometimes want to quit? It is bc I keep drinking more and more all the time. I think serious negative consequences will be in my future if I don't quit. And I can't moderate. I see these people all around me who have one drink and don't even finish it. Or take hours to drink one drink. Or if they do drink a lot then they don't drink again for days or even weeks. I on the other hand suck it down faster than a pig at the trough. If I am drinking, I drink every single day. Sometimes all day long.
I'm getting angry at myself just thinking about this. Why can't I be a normal drinker!
I didn't quit until there was pain. Lots and lots of PAIN. A hole within me that whiskey and vodka and distorted perception could no longer hide. All the external consequences were there, but even if I'd still had apartments, cars, money, and friends and family who didn't avoid and pity me, I still would have hated myself. That's why I drank.
The bottom is what you make it. I made mine lower than a lot of people, but not so low as others.
I haven't gotten on the wrong side of the law (yet).
I haven't been to jail or prison (yet).
I haven't caused irrepairable physical harm to myself or anyone else (yet).
I'm not dead (yet).
That's how this exercise works. Try it out for a few minutes, and then see if you want to keep at lamenting your lack of "normal" drinking, or whether you want to start exploring a solution.
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Originally Posted by notsosober77
Why can't I be a normal drinker!
The solution is to accept addiction for what it is, and use some kind of plan to live your life without alcohol.
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Owl, said it all, and in a very understandable way. It's a choice, but one that that you can't force. Somehow, we have to come to terms at a fundamental level deep within ourselves, our inability to deal with alcohol. Or, put that thought away until later and continue to try to control our use of it, usually with a degeneration into a deeper suffering, until we are ready. I have quit and slipped many times over the last 25 years but have always come back. For me, this time, (3 years+) I received a new and deeper understanding of step 1, and that has made the difference. I no longer romance the idea of drinking again. At my deepest levels I don't want to drink. All the other times I did. I don't know how this works, may be its Grace, maybe it's just being beaten down so many times that something changed inside. I don't care how it works, I just thank the universe for somehow stepping into my life in a personal way and helping me help myself. Welcome to our group, we love you as a brother and sister.
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Scott - Yes! I'm addicted. I've been addicted to other stuff and quit. It was so much easier. The other stuff was more fun than drinking but for some reason, I just keep drinking. I think a lot of it is bc it is so easy to find. There are ten places between my work and home to buy it. Everywhere I go people offer it to me, mostly for free. So even though I'm only moderately inclined to drink, I can't stop. Or haven't reliably stopped. Yet.
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I didn't have any of the consequences you list, but I lost my self respect and the respect of my kids, and that was enough for me. 
I've been sober now for six years and honestly, I don't miss drinking at all. My life is so much better without it.
I've been sober now for six years and honestly, I don't miss drinking at all. My life is so much better without it.
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Originally Posted by Aspect
Owl, said it all, and in a very understandable way. It's a choice, but one that that you can't force. Somehow, we have to come to terms at a fundamental level deep within ourselves, our inability to deal with alcohol. Or, put that thought away until later and continue to try to control our use of it, usually with a degeneration into a deeper suffering, until we are ready. I have quit and slipped many times over the last 25 years but have always come back. For me, this time, (3 years+) I received a new and deeper understanding of step 1, and that has made the difference. I no longer romance the idea of drinking again. At my deepest levels I don't want to drink. All the other times I did. I don't know how this works, may be its Grace, maybe it's just being beaten down so many times that something changed inside. I don't care how it works, I just thank the universe for somehow stepping into my life in a personal way and helping me help myself. Welcome to our group, we love you as a brother and sister.
I can't call this latest drinking a slip up. No. It was very well planned. I intended to do this and methodically did it. This was well thought out self sabotage.
I did not enjoy it like I thought I would. Maybe there is hope in that.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by notsosober77
This is certainly part of my problem. That I do want to drink, be drunk. The last two months I was sober I loved being sober. Being able to be rational with my wife and kids after dark. Being able to run better. Feeling my brain heal. That was all great but almost every day I'd feel like I want to drink anyway. Like I said, I only half wanted to quit and stay quit. Deep down inside I was thinking, as good as sobriety is, I want to take a break from it.
I can't call this latest drinking a slip up. No. It was very well planned. I intended to do this and methodically did it. This was well thought out self sabotage.
I did not enjoy it like I thought I would. Maybe there is hope in that.
But before you get to realligning life, you still have to make the choice. The likelihood of improvement while continuing to chemically "adjust" the way you interact with the world isn't worth discussing. Intellectually, I admit the possibility. Rationally, the evidence against it is overwhelming.
As Owl has said, the choice remains with you.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
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Your story is very familiar to me. Sounds like my own, the plotting and planning, the hiding, the guilt. I am filled with gratitude that somehow, in ways I don't get, the higher powers of this Universe changed the building blocks deep within me and did for me what I couldn't do for myself. My advice is too keep an open mind, let your thoughts and feelings come and let them go, let them float by like clouds, notice them but then release them, don't drink, or if you do drink give it to the Universe. Remember if you are drunk or sober you are not separated from God or us, and wait on the miracle, it's coming.
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