sourbaby1986

Hi there!

So today I went to have Christmas dinner with my father. His wife drinks a lot, and so do her two sons. One of them has been to rehab, but I'm not judging.

My plan for the evening was to get really interested in everybody around me to a) take the pressure off me and b) to get people so interested in themselves that they don't notice I'm not drinking. And to leave early.

Anyway, I get there and am immediately handed a drink without being asked. I notice my step brother shaking his head at me and kinda laughing as he noticed I was drinking club soda instead of the sangria. I had some half decent conversation, but my dad doesn't do anything to make me and my sister a part of the family - I feel like I'm sitting in on somebody else's Christmas dinner. An accessory, and I'm just knawing to get out of there by the end. It's the same thing every year. My dad re-married when I was 15, to a kid's mother who I went to school with. You know how you like to forget aobut highschool people after highschool? Well, now I have to eat dinner with them. They're nice enough, but it's not MY family. I don't feel like I belong. I blame my father for this and yes I am resentful.

Anyway, after dinner and dessert it turns into drink fest time. Trying not to judge....but everybody congregates in the kitchen for shots, things get broken, people get loud - and it's not fun. So, that's when I left. But not before I was literally tenth grade pressured to 'just take a sip' or to 'just try this'. I tried to make a joke out of it, which kind of worked, but it's generally awkward.

I feel like my family thinks I'm a loser, or no fun, or I guess I feel like I'm 'not part of the family' because I didn't partake. Isn't it rude?

Then I say goodbye to my sister's boyfriend, and I say it was very nice to meet you.....to which he responds "we have already met", to which I have no recollection. When the hell did I meet him? I thought i met him for 5 minutes at the airport, but when I mentioned it to my mom she said I met him in theh summer time. We had dinner. Then I remembered. But, I was coming off a particularly strong binge and must have not been totally there because I have a big grey gap in my memory. Everything blends together. It was very embarrassing, and I feel like my sister is like wtf, and so is he, since they went out of their way for me to meet him (I live very far away from them and everything is difficult).

So, that's a reminder for me of why I'm doing this, but on the same hand I wouldn't taste the drink he made. I don't want him to think I'm a bitch. I want to get some more sober time, and time to get COMFORTABLE saying I'm not drinking, or I 'dont' drink anymore. It's hard because compared to my alcoholic family, I look pretty damn good.

/end rant.

Thanks for letting me get that out. Any words of encouragement are really appreciated. My relationships wont be compromised by my sobriety, right? I'm not going to be a loser, or left out, right? (Do I sound 15, or what??)

SB.

Melina

I think you did really well. You were polite and stood your ground.

I know how embarrassing it is to be told things you were there for but have no recollection of..

Family time, especially with the resentment you have, can be crunchy whether we drink or not. And even though this time was uncomfortable, you are doing it sober and you should be very proud of yourself. I'm not passing any judgment on you having a resentment, either. It sounds like a tough situation emotionally. I would probably have difficulty with it as well.

I guess I would say you should recognize that you are building sober muscles! And a lot of people's hospitality is centered around making sure everyone gets a lot of alcohol. They just don't know how to do anything different.

At my family gatherings, they have beers from around the world, champagne for a toast, different red wines for sipping and dining, and plenty of whisky for post-dinner numbing. For the kids, there is milk. For me, there is water. Oh well. I really like water so I got that going for me! That's just the way they are. I don't need to numb anymore around anyone, and if they do, I guess that's their choice. Maybe you could look at it like that..

Anyway, I think you did great.

sourbaby1986

Thanks Melina. i think what's keeping me sober is that I really genuinely WANT to not need to numb anymore. I don't want other people to have control over how I modulate my thinking; my body my mind and my soul. I don't want to be controlled by others anymore.

I'm not there yet - I still want to numb. But I'm believing that I can get to a place where I don't need to.

Melina

Yeah I work on that a lot. I am learning self care, and trying to figure what is the difference between that and self centeredness.

Sometimes I have no answers except to take a nap. And I try to make sure I am eating what seems like a lot in order to circumvent some of the HALT stuff.

Hang in there. I have had some rough days recently where I didn't feel good for no real good reason, and for some reasons I need to deal with. I try to take a little comfort in the fact that a day I don't drink is a day my brain and body are healing, and that sets me up for further sobriety and for balance in time with this momentum I'm building. Even if I'm not really feeling great or whippeeee yay yay.

That's helped me get to 210 days so far. And I've had some really great triumphs in sobriety, particularly in regards to the peace I feel most of the time and the financial benefits, and not feeling so sick and anxious and hiding dreadful hangovers all the time.

Lorax1981

Practice makes perfect. Soon you'll have no trouble saying "I don't drink". It's really nothing to be ashamed of, more like something to be proud of. Just keep up the good work and worry about number one, you!

sourbaby1986

Thanks. But four hours later, my sister and her boyfriend are still there. I came home and went in the hot tub and packed and watched an episode of breaking bad. Instead of bonding with my family, who I live a 5 hour flight away from. I feel incredibly guilty and like my family is bonding without me. It makes me feel so alone, like such a "loser", like I would do anything (like drink) to fit in.

I never even see my sister, who was my best friend. And I couldn't stay out with her and drink and bond and have fun? This is where I start to go south. Here is a big weak spot for me.

Is this my damaged 14 year old just being desperate to fit in, or am I really and truly isolating myself? I'm honestly not sure. I feel like a not fun, prude.

Melina

What about her NOT drinking in order to bond with you? It takes two, ya know...

sourbaby1986

Yeah that's a good point. But doesn't it seem like a lot of bonding happens over drinking? I don't know. I don't want to be spiteful, I just want real relationships. I only seem to get that deep connection while drinking/using. There's that song out now by the weeknd and one of his lines is "when I'm f*uckd up that's the real me"....that's how I feel. But I know it's not true, but I feel it being true. It's definitely strong.

But anyway. I guess I've already decided that drinking isn't an option. Now, how to navigate through life is the question.

Melina

I hope you get to the point where you calmly accept this isn't true and have no issues discarding this as part of a thirsty AV.

And I'm sorry you felt lonely around family, I know that's rough. It does get better as you embrace everything a sober life offers!

sourbaby1986

Yes this whole concept of the AV is new to me and I like it! I still waver a bit but I can notice more now when it's talking.

I really really hope I can get to that point too - I just need some comfort in my life and with my self.

Berrybean

Plenty of time for all that further down the line of recovery.

You have recognised that you were getting resentful in your OP, and by the time you posted the above, this is where the resentment had taken you. THIS is why even justified resentments are bad for us. Yep - they're an alcoholic family who are behaving in some dysfunctional ways. And yes, while you are clean and sober they make you look good. When you weren't clean and sober you were just the same (you didn't even remember meeting someone, so you can afford some humility here. I wonder if they've spend the hours since building resentments about that!? To be honest, I probably would have done when I was drinking).

At the meeting I went to yesterday we talked a lot about adjusting expectations, and our perspective on things - and that being one of the biggest changes in our lives as we work through recovery. It's an inside job I tell ya! That little resentment has more to do with how you were feeling in the tub than anything that had been done or said earlier in the day or in your life. It was the resentment that brought those things into the tub with you. But, the good news is that as you work the steps you'll be learning how to get unaffected / undisturbed by all those things that affect your peace and disturb your serenity at the moment. And when things slip through momentarily, you will have people to speak to (at meetings or on the phone) who'll help you get undisturbed.

Hugs to you Sourbaby. I was supposed to go to my Dads family (my step-family) today, but my car's playing up (I offered that I'd get the train to the nearest station to him - 1.5 hours for me, and 10 minutes for him) but he'd prefer to wait til the cars fixed and I can get direct to his house. And yes, I did feel those old resentments flare up a little, like a war-wound. But I'm remembering the conversation I had with a wise old-timer just before Christmas (after a short telephone conversation with my Dad), who asked "Is he behaving any different from how he ever did?" (The answer to that is 'No' - and I suddenly realise how lucky escape my mum had in leaving him when she did). And "So why did you think he was gonna be any different?" ('Ummm') Just because we're working to get better - and to behave better - we're asking to be disappointed if we expect others behaviour to improve for the better with ours. Our parents aren't just parents. They're people of the world just like any others at the end of the day. Messed up and full of Isms, and dysfunctional - or not, as the case may be. It isn't personal. It's just the way they are. And it will only continue to hurt us if we continue to let it. Today, I'm not going to let it. I'm going to stay sober. I'm going to work my program. I'm going to reject resentments, and pray for them to be removed, along with the fear and ego that once made me a complete slave to my resentments..

'Throughout the day, sharpen my awareness so that I can start my day again any time I choose. Keep me mindful, ready to forgive, and remembering to place principles before personalities in all areas of my life. Let me be wary of taking offence, and remain free from the shackles of my fears and ego....'

'God, I have a resentment towards my dad that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give Dad everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for Dad.
I pray that Dad will receive everything he needs.
Thank-you for your help and strength with this resentment.'

You can get through this Sourbaby. The main trouble I have when I'm IN a resentment (and I can get as firmly in them as I could do a high-sided boat, believe me) is finding it in myself to WANT to feel peaceful again. I can get quite comfortable in that little resentment boat. I know all about being resentful, and if there were resentment championships I'd probably have medals and be-ribboned cups, and have been interviewed and photographed for a magazine called 'Resenter's World' or similar. For a long time I thought my choice was Fear or Anger. I chose Anger, and made myself a polished expert at it. I was so slick that I didn't even realise when I started building up a storm inside. Now I realise that I can CHOOSE peace and serenity, IF I choose Acceptance. But I have to want to make that choice. While I'm sitting in that little resentment-boat enjoying the power of my own storm then I'm destined to stay there. I have to remember that safe calm harbour of acceptance and make the effort to get myself there, and step away from my resentment-boat. And if clambering out of it necessitates a clumsy and ungraceful apology for my part in things, then so be it. In my experience so far, it's always worth it to get resentment free again.

I hope you're feeling better today SB, and that 2016 is going to be an amazing year of recovery for you x

doggonecarl

Successful recovery takes a lot of change. Complete change. Often more than we realize or want. But change we must. I hope you can change your need for validation from others. Not just for recovery sake, but to grow as an individual--strong and independent.

PurpleKnight

Great job on making it through SB!!