Branches

I just set a small boundary - and it is small - and I'm so pleased with myself. A family member just called me from the road to tell me she'd probably be arriving at my home for dinner and to exchange presents for our "family Christmas" about an hour later than originally planned. And I was able to calmly tell her, yes, if she got there at that time, we could go forward. However, if it was going to be later than that, that we would have to do it another time because I have to get up super early for work tomorrow.
What I DID NOT do was say, "I told you this wasn't going to work. I knew you weren't going to leave Northern California early in the morning. I knew it. You never leave anywhere early. You're always late."
I didn't say, "You chose to spend Christmas with your bf's family instead of us and now you want us to wait on you while you take your sweet time getting here. And you're not even coming straight here. You're going home first and then making another stop. I don't want to be eating dinner at 8:30!"
For once I didn't guilt, I didn't shame, I LET GO. I can't control what this person does or how they plan their life. All I can do is draw a little line in the sand and say, "Keep me posted. But if you're not going to be here by 7, we'll have to do it another night cause I gotta go to bed by around 9:30. Love you. Drive safe."
It feels almost as good as losing weight instead of gaining weight over Christmas. It feels real good. I didn't throw a fit - and now I don't have to feel guilty about throwing a fit. I like this!!

walkinganewpath

Nice job!!! It feels good to politely set boundaries - we were nice but we defined what was acceptable for us.

LexieCat

PERFECT response.

Good for you! It takes a little practice, but once we get the hang of these things it gets a lot easier.

gleefan

Nice job keeping your side of the street clean. I know how hard it can be to acknowledge my own role in the dysfunction dance. Thanks for sharing!

honeypig

Good job, branches, really well done! I love how you handled it, politely and lovingly yet w/o setting yourself up for anger/resentments/a crappy day at work down the line.

I struggle w/always answering immediately and then finding I've stepped in doo doo, exactly b/c I didn't take a moment to think about what my needs are and how to formulate a good reply. Thanks for sharing, and I hope w/practice I can do this type of thing more often myself.

Branches

Thank you, everyone! Just goes to show what three days of intensive reading about codependency and spending hours on SR over this holiday weekend can do for a girl. Over and over again I read your posts saying, "Take care of you. What are you doing for you? You can't control other people." I really can't. This family member is very fond of pot. Her bf is too. And the light bulb went on. Duh! They are on time for things about 1 percent of the time. They aren't going to change for me. All I can do is take care of me so I don't feel resentful. But I couldn't have done it without you guys. Mwah!