suicideseason

189 days sober. Trying to come from a rock bottom again.trying to not hurt myself, I have a few tools but I am struggling. Thank you.

MidnightBlue

Hi, suicedeseason.

I was suicidal, and not so long ago. I know it's very hard to feel anything or see a little ray of light.

But you are still sober, aren't you. Please, do not hurt yourself. Every minute won is a victory. Your victory over pain and despair. Take one minute at a time. Keep posting.

suicideseason

It comes, it goes. been dealing with it for a decade. Walk around with a razorblade i dont use it for whatever reason. Just reminder. I saw a dope pipe on christmas I was going to hit it, but left it where i found it, on the side of a building. I want to do good thats when stuff changes i have been told, but I want to feel good about myself thats where wanting to slip comes in. I dont know.

fantail

189 days! Congratulations!

I'm about 3 weeks behind you in sober time... I know the last week or so has been rough on me. A few people have told me that the time around the 6 month mark can be hard.

I don't know what your struggle is, but personally I find myself taking every little thing into a deep and dismaying existential dilemma. Answering email can make me question the meaning of life, grocery shopping can put me into spiritual conundrums, and just about everything I do or don't do is a big pronouncement about Who I Am and Who I Can (or Can't) Become.

It's exhausting. I'm trying to treat it like a case of the mental flu and hope it clears up by month 7.

Whatever it is that's troubling you, I hope you find a way to expand your tool box. Hang in there.

PurpleKnight

189 Days is fantastic!! Keep it going!!

least

Congrats on your sober time. Hang in there, it gets better.

suicideseason

Thanks yall are nice. My toolbox is pretty weak. Read play cards , dont use. When i first joined I was clean then met some bad affiliates and got into the dope game... 175 of those days was being clean in jail. They were trying to catch me with pounds but didnt. And Im just doing anything but drugs or alcohol. I cut myself in jail a few times. Getting sober I have lost touch with a higher power, i think it tore me up and thats what helped push me back to using and.. my spirituality is hit pretty hard. I share of it in meetings and people get mad but, eh. Im barely comfortable using a phone or being around people, heck just being looked at makes me want to just put a gun in my mouth i havent been this sober since I was 13 I am 29 now. Grocery stores are hard i walked through 3 times didnt find the bread isle, came back a day later, found it after 20 minutes. I feel ya. Thank you for talking.

MidnightBlue

It is a GIANT reason to feel good about yourself. You are able to do the hardest things imaginable - win the fight with the addictive voice . You may not realize it , but you writing this gives hope and encouragement to others - there' s a guy who's going through hell and still 189 days sober. It's hard for you to see it, but we see.

Bekindalways

Heya SS, I'm a lifer depressive (52 now depression started at 18) and have built a toolbox too. It is hard. Thanks for joining the struggle. It helps me just that you haven't taken your life and keep trying. Thanks for this!

SoberLife90

You should consider going to AA/NA and finding a sponsor and working the steps. As you stay sober and continue to work toward making positive changes in your life you will begin to feel more comfortable in your own skin. I know I have. My best advice to you is to keep going to meetings even if you feel awkward because addiction is life and death. If you don't stay sober you might once again find yourself in jail. You can do it. Just take your sobriety one day at a time and if you can't do that take it slower. That drink and drugs won't take us anywhere worthwhile.

courage2

I'm glad to see you back here SS. Sorry to hear you were locked up tho. Please stay away from trouble, hold on to your sobriety, eat right, and go to meetings.

suicideseason

Yea i do ok til i think about the ruin then I need to take it to like 5 minutes a time. Thanks for being nice i dont got much and I know nobody has a reason to be nice so it shows how good of people you are. I hope one day to be like that.

Soberwolf

Serious well done reaching 189 days

FormerWineGirl

It's an awesome accomplishment that you have 189 days sober! Glad you have came back to this site, the people here care about each other, and there is an amazing amount of support. I wish you the very best, and hope to see you around here a lot!

Hope2014

189 days is awesome! You say you don't have much, but you have all of us and 186 more sober days than me!!

Dee74

Congrats on your sober time

D

Hevyn

It's so good to see you, suicideseason. Be proud of your 189 days - we know what hard work it is.

suicideseason

I remember a tad of before, i was a friggin pecker head to yall I am sorry. I hope to never go back there. That was a dump truck of a hole I made.

Dee74

I don't think anyone here holds grudges - most of us have been there before

D

wehav2day

Congrats on 189 days! That's an accomplishment, no matter how it happened.

We can't change our past, only our present. So get through today. Then tomorrow. Aa and the steps helped me a lot. I did them via Skype with a sponsor in another country. So I didn't go to many meetings, but I felt so much better doing the work of recovery.

There are many ways to do this. But doing some kind of recovery plan helps immensely.