SomethingOther

It's three weeks since I asked her not to speak to me anymore, 2.5 weeks since she last emailed me (once after my request - I ignored it). I know this was clearly the right decision for me - everything she was saying was enormously destructive to my self esteem and sense of basic sanity. For my own health, it had to stop.

But I'm still enormously pained at just how brutally it ended. She "loved" me to death. I was her "dream person". We had three and a half years of history behind us. I thought we were making so much important progress this fall. But after all this, in the end, she just turned on me.

She's known a man for over a year who fell head over heels toward her from the start. She always kept him as just a friend, and made it clear her energies remained totally focused on working things out with me. But she let him become deeply integrated into her life as he sought her attention constantly, every moment he could get. Meanwhile, I maintained some distance so we wouldn't get sucked back into bad patterns while she (presumably) worked through her alcoholism. I communicated this clearly and compassionately to her, so it's not like she didn't understand this.

As late as November we were attending couples counseling together while she independently saw her own addiction therapist. Her intentions were clear: work on herself, work on us, keep this other guy as a close friend (even though everyone knew he wanted more). She bent over backwards to reassure me he wasn't a threat to me, and she didn't have more than friend feelings for him.

And then, in the final weeks, it all changed. I found out she started sleeping with him while we were still still in therapy. She started coming at me hard and insisting I apologize for initiating distance from her and how that "hurt her self esteem" (without acknowledging the brutal drunk encounter that caused me to initiate that distance in the first place). She said this guy loved her like I never could, accepted her as she is rather than someone "to be sculpted", looked at her like she's the only woman on earth, etc. Toward the end I could barely access her, while she was spending basically all her time with him.

She even said I'd be happy for her if I could see how lovingly he looked at her (is this just blatant narcissism?).

He also has addiction issues. On the last day I spoke to her, she said he'd basically stopped drinking since his Xanax emergency earlier in the summer. But that she had just taken him to a work party and he drank too much, and the next day he was both "emotionally and physically" distraught by it, so she tended to him and got him water and tried to make him feel better. Then she said I never would have done the same for her, and that's why his love is more real and accepting than mine, and that's the kind of love she always wants in her life. Not my kind of love based on "judgment" and "condemnation".

And there was her comment, "I can't see myself being a recovered alcoholic with you, but I can with him because his own attempts at stopping inspire me to believe I can too".

There's of course more, but that's the gist of it. She really just turned on me in the end. I loved and sacrificed so much for her, and offered so much patience and attempted support and compassion. It hurts me deeply to hear my love wasn't deep enough or that her "newfound self confidence" stems from avoiding my influence, or how much happier she is with this guy she started secretly seeing while still working on things with me. Or how she wouldn't even tell me that was happening - I had to piece it together myself.

I still struggle so hard to comprehend this emotionally. How could she have treated me like this, after all our history? How do I stop believing her words, which paint me in such a bad light? I just can't believe what she said is really true. How do I recover my self esteem from this? What in the hell is love, anyway? What she says she gets from him is "real love", the kind of love she always wants in her life. But that can't be right, can it? That's not what this is really about, is it?

I thought I understood these things, but after how hard I got hit from this I'm just so confused about it all and, I guess, asking for some voices of sanity to help me recalibrate and rebuild confidence in what makes actual sense. Thank you.

Hawkeye13

Sounds like she is totally lost on the Sea of Rationalization to me.

She behaved badly, and justified her bad behavior by turning it on you.
Pretty simple, but beyond that how can you logically explain the actions
of someone entrenched in addiction, even if they are dry at the moment?

Bottom line is you can't.
You did your best, but frankly, it sounds like you dodged a dysfunctional bullet here that even sobriety cannot fix.

What makes sense is to work on you--why did you get so deeply enmeshed
with an addict, and why did you stay despite her continued mistreatment of you?

Figure that out, and you'll be well on the path to healing
and attracting a relationship that is loving and fulfilling for both parties.
You deserve no less

ladyscribbler

She needs someone who is willing to act as a caretaker and not shine light on her issues. Alcoholism is driving the train. It is the opposite of "real love."
Whether she's saying those things to hurt you or because they sound better than the truth probably isn't a puzzle you're going to be able to solve.
I left my ex for a temporary separation with the understanding that he would "work on" his alcoholism. He spent the whole time lying to me about meetings and counseling. He even got his mom to lie to me and help him cover up a public intox arrest that he got while we were separated.
So I went back, dragging my sons in tow, to a situation that hadn't changed at all, except to deteriorate further. I'd had a taste of peace though, so I only lasted another month before I left again for good. For awhile it seemed like he was really going to turn things around. He was set to go to an inpatient brain injury clinic at the VA, which also would have functioned as a de facto alcohol detox.
Then all of a sudden he got involved with a woman. His alcoholic uncle died, and he and his aunt locked eyes over the casket and that was it. As much as they've tried to rub my face in their wonderful, perfect relationship, I know better. He's not suddenly well because he found a new codie to take care of him.
Frankly the less time I spend focused on them and their relationship, the better. I have found it much more productive to work on my own issues (the ones that kept me in a dysfunctional relationship trying to make things work with an alcoholic) in individual therapy an Alanon meetings and service work. I know it hurts, but time and working your own recovery is the way through it.
Sending a (platonic) hug. Keep posting. We're here for you.

maia1234

SO,
I am sorry that you are hurting. Yes they do all hurt us. But just think about the last weeks how "calm" they have been since you have not been brought into her "drama". I know you have pain, and you are feeling that pain, but you don't have the insanity of the crxp she constantly pulls.

First off I want you to understand that an alcoholics life is not wonderful. You don't think she feels that she is a train wreck. Alcoholics live with a lot of guilt!! You don't think that she feels guilty on what she has done. You are not chasing her down and she can't understand that. She feels that she has truly fxcked up this time and now what is she going to do. She will have to step up and be responsible, and she is going to do that with another addict?

You have to be proud of yourself!! You reached out to us for support not her. That is who you should be reaching out too. She couldn't help anything or anyone in her state. I can guarantee you that you have not heard the last from her. Everyone says, it's not that easy to get rid of an alcoholic.

Feel your pain, own it, post it and we can walk you through it. Be strong, don't text, call, email or drive by her place. Do your thing, stay healthy and this to shall pass!!

Hugs my friend, speaking from a friend who lasted 34 years with an addict, I wish someone gave me this advice years and years ago!!

LexieCat

I'm sure this has all been incredibly painful for you.

The thing is, alcoholics are not playing with a full deck. They are driven by their addiction, and the self-delusion that allows the addiction to continue spills over into every area of their lives. She probably, if her life depended on it, couldn't tell you the truth about what she was thinking because she doesn't understand it herself. An alcoholic needs a good stretch of sobriety and some hard recovery work before they can even BEGIN to understand themselves.

All you really need to know is that she could not be a good partner to you, whether or to what extent she may have wanted to. Do your best to keep letting go of her, and the relationship. It takes time to do that. You'll find yourself letting go and then pulling it back and examining it some more. Eventually you will let it all go, for good.

Hugs,

53500

Ditto what Lexie said. Addicts are *not* rational. They lie. They say whatever serves them without regard for reality. They manipulate and blame anyone other than themselves. That's addiction. It isn't about you, personally, at all.

You don't comprehend it because it does not make sense in the real world. You are in the real world. She is protecting her alcoholic world.

When I was with my ex-ABF - well it was just bizarro world. He was a master liar. The only way I could "understand" how well he lied was to assume HE believed his own warped view of reality. But in the end it did not matter if my assumption was right. What mattered was reality.

I'm sorry for your pain. Stick to what you *know* makes sense and your pain will decrease and one day you'll be very very happy you dodged this bullet.

rahrah

SO SO SO accurate!

AnvilheadII

she sounds like a "LUV" junkie.....can't spell it right much less understand the true meaning. she wants to be adored, worshiped, and she feels this guy is IT. they say water seeks its own level....she found someone who is as messed up as she is, maybe even a bit more.

you did amazingly well to distance yourself and get out of the way.

Hope2014

You gave yourself the best gift this year by stopping the insanity and the relationship. Alcohol changes your brain. She's not capable of being the person you were hoping therapy could change her to be- at least not while she is still continuing the same behavior. Of course she chose a partner with addiction issues- that will allow her to continue her thoughtless behavior and continue to use! The two of them will have a dysfunctional relationship of using, abusing and blaming each other. Wash, rinse, repeat.
You on the other hand could see the issues and tried to resolve them. You showed love and compassion, which it doesn't seem she is capable of in her current mindset. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start this New Year proud. You're moving in a healthier direction. Save your best self for someone who appreciates you. And don't pick up the phone or respond to her emails. She'll be back when her new pal starts circling the drain.

Zeppelin92

Hello Something other,
I know its hard, as I am dealing with the same thing. But I really take my hat off to you for ending such a toxic relationship- You and your strength is very motivating. I am sure a person like you will find someone you can truly be happy, and connect with. You had tried counseling for her, and it did not go the way you wanted it too- BUT you tried all you could do to make it work, a lot of men- and women would not do that.
It is a new year, and you deserve the best. I agree with the above post, do not email, text, call, or facebook anything her. Keep strong! I know how hard it is, and the pain you feel. But keep strong, you really are a inspiration for the people still in those relationships, questioning the same things you are right now.

SomethingOther

Thank you, as always, so much, all. All your perspective is tremendously helpful. But most importantly, your ongoing offer to simply be here and listen and help me through these low moments is such a testament to how wonderful this community is. I wish I had the words to express just how appreciative I am of this.

After so much time enmeshed in this relationship where my needs didn't matter and I could be turned on just by looking the wrong way or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, the greatest gift you guys are offering is permission for me to feel honest and true to myself and not feel I'm committing some grave sin by doing that. You actually listen. And empathize. And you don't even know me. I thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart.

Hawkeye13:

This exact point has been increasingly on my mind. Incidentally, this is like the third time I've heard the phrase "dodged a bullet" and I'm starting to think there's a reason that phrase keeps popping up. I think I'm starting to realize there's more to this than just alcohol. The alcohol abuse alone was obviously a huge problem, and probably a dealbreaker in and of itself. But it also exposed even more deep-rooted problems. I increasingly believe the more time that goes by - as I emotionally detach more - the more solid I'll feel in my decision to move on from all this. That's why I've said a few times I really *want* to move on, in spite of not being able to do so yet.

To be clear, she's not remotely dry. I don't know how bad her current alcohol abuse is, but I'm also starting to understand I will never know. And, more importantly, I don't need to know.

These are excellent questions. I've spent a lot of time contemplating them since you asked them. I realize these are exactly the questions I need to continue to confront and not shy away from going forward.

Thank you so much for this thought.

ladyscribbler:

I'm so sorry you've gone through all this, too. I know that for me this has been one massive learning experience. I've never had to deal with an addictive personality before, so I've had to learn the patterns as I experienced them. I, too, fell for the trap of believing that "progress" meant more than it really did. Specifically, I thought her agreement to finally seek therapy meant it would just be a matter of time until everything worked out. Live and learn, of course. I'm glad you've found the productive path. That makes complete sense to me. Thank you for the perspective.

maia1234:

This is so true, and furthers my conviction that there's no hope for her any time soon (e.g. less than years). This is exactly what she's spent her whole life trying to avoid. And exactly why things crumbled between us so severely and unnecessarily painfully, as I described in the top message. This is my source of greatest pain and betrayal toward her - not that she's a bad person but that she chose to basically throw me under the bus (apologies for the dramatic phrasing) rather than take any responsibility for the situation she was getting us all into. I will find a way to forgive in the end, I know. But I'm not going to ever forget that these are the choices she made, while in a position of power over my emotions.

Thank you so much for this thought. Thank you so much for offering a safe space for support. I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you for making it easier for me to resist reaching out to her during the low points.

Oh, I hope it is! I'm so sorry for your own long experience with this, but glad you've gotten past it.

LexieCat:

You know, I think I'll ultimately be able to do a better job letting go than any of my previous relationships. In my previous breakups there was nothing wrong with either person, and certainly no abusive behavior. It was just two decent people who didn't work out. But there are so many red flags and unhealthy realities with this one, I really do believe as time goes on I'll see more easily how unhealthy her influence has been (I mean, I can already see it rationally, the problem is my emotions still don't see eye to eye with my reason). And when I'm finally detached from that, why would I want to introduce that back into my life?

You speak of her path to self-understanding.... I normally hate trying to practice armchair psychiatry. But it's been dawning on me that alcoholism isn't the entire story here. Alcohol abuse is horrible and sad, of course, but I'm also increasingly realizing it doesn't impact everyone the same way. It just exacerbates existing personality disorders, and those need their own attention regardless of the alcoholism itself. Like... some people share their alcoholism stories and it rings very closely to what I've experienced. Others share theirs and it's not at all like my own experience. I realize there's more to it than just alcohol.

I've started reading up more on BPD. Again, I normally hate armchair diagnosing. But my god does that ring familiar. I read over the symptoms and it's not like "oh, maybe I guess she kind of fits that one". It's more like: "YES. YES. YES. MY GOD, YES." In my mind, the puzzle feels *far* more complete when I think of it as alcoholism + BPD. Like.. it's a perfect match. I'm finding this enlightening and helpful because it's helping me seal my own personal closure as well as reminding me just how severe her problems are, and that continuing to hope for progress will not be a good use of my energies going forward. This has been an interesting epiphany to me.

53500:

There's that phrase again!

AnvilheadII:

Thank you. It helps a lot to hear this.

Hope2014:

Thank you for expressing this. I'm honestly no longer sure she's ever been capable of expressing this (see my BPD comments above). I never dug in too deeply about why her previous relationship before me was so volatile and unstable (or why that ex finally left her), but this is deep-rooted with her. She uses phrases like "I love you" but I increasingly doubt she really understands what those words mean.

Happy new year to you too!

Zeppelin92:

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, too. Thank you so much for all these encouraging words. It means the world to me that my story can offer any kind of motivation to others.

I can say that I have no regrets for any of the decisions I've made. I'm taking the hard path, which is more than she's ever been willing to do. It's obviously hard, by definition. One of its consequences is that sometimes I'm low and have to write pained messages the one that started this thread. But I do know this path is well worth it in the end.

And while this is so emotionally difficult now, I'm well aware that it will get easier and one day I'll be stronger than ever and won't think twice at having shed this toxicity from my life decisively. I know that's the ultimate outcome, and it's a worthwhile outcome. In the meantime, I/we just have to navigate the bumps. And thank goodness we have this community to help carry us through them.

Happy new year to you!