Alcohol is my husband's mistress
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Washington
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Alcohol is my husband's mistress
I hate her so bad. He brings her into our marriage every day. The only day he doesn't drink is if he's pretty sick. Which now is 1-3 days a month. I can't stand her perfume smell that lingers as long as his demeanor after being with her.
I am struggling with my anger and bitterness toward him because of him loving her more than me. I struggle to find ways to try to respect my husband. I don't respect him, but I'm trying to show him respect. Not easy to do and it wears me out.
How do all of you deal with your hurt, anger and bitterness when the one you used to love loves her more than you? My husband and I've been married for over 25 years.
Hurt, anger and bitterness is not good for me. It steals my joy. it consumes me and destroys me. I need to get rid of it. What do you do???
I am struggling with my anger and bitterness toward him because of him loving her more than me. I struggle to find ways to try to respect my husband. I don't respect him, but I'm trying to show him respect. Not easy to do and it wears me out.
How do all of you deal with your hurt, anger and bitterness when the one you used to love loves her more than you? My husband and I've been married for over 25 years.
Hurt, anger and bitterness is not good for me. It steals my joy. it consumes me and destroys me. I need to get rid of it. What do you do???
StillWorthy, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found your way here; there is a lot of experience, strength and hope shared here and folks here "get it" about life with an A.
You're feeling hurt, anger and bitterness, which is an absolutely normal reaction to the situation you're in. In living with an alcoholic, everything in your life has become distorted. You're living with lies. All the focus is on him. You're trying to live with what is unacceptable, and in the long run, there's no good way to do that.
The first thing I'd recommend for you is to read as much as you can here. I'm certain many of the stories will resonate with you. You'll see that you're not alone, and you'll see what others are doing to make their lives better. Make sure to check out the "stickied" threads at the top of the page, too. In my opinion, it's really important to take in as much of the info here as you can and not just focus on your thread and your thread only.
I'd also suggest looking into Alanon meetings. They are a great source of face-to-face support and education. For me, SR and Alanon worked together very well. (Alanon is not the same as AA. AA is for the alcoholic, Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by another person's drinking.)
Please know that there is both help and hope for you. You are NOT trapped. You cannot change HIM or stop his drinking, but you can change yourself and your life, and many here have done exactly that, with wonderful results.
Again, welcome to SR. There may be a little less traffic around here due to the holidays and the weekend, but please bear with us. You will definitely get responses, and you can use this slower time to do the reading I suggested above, maybe.
Wishing you strength and clarity as you begin your journey towards freedom.
You're feeling hurt, anger and bitterness, which is an absolutely normal reaction to the situation you're in. In living with an alcoholic, everything in your life has become distorted. You're living with lies. All the focus is on him. You're trying to live with what is unacceptable, and in the long run, there's no good way to do that.
The first thing I'd recommend for you is to read as much as you can here. I'm certain many of the stories will resonate with you. You'll see that you're not alone, and you'll see what others are doing to make their lives better. Make sure to check out the "stickied" threads at the top of the page, too. In my opinion, it's really important to take in as much of the info here as you can and not just focus on your thread and your thread only.
I'd also suggest looking into Alanon meetings. They are a great source of face-to-face support and education. For me, SR and Alanon worked together very well. (Alanon is not the same as AA. AA is for the alcoholic, Alanon is for anyone whose life has been affected by another person's drinking.)
Please know that there is both help and hope for you. You are NOT trapped. You cannot change HIM or stop his drinking, but you can change yourself and your life, and many here have done exactly that, with wonderful results.
Again, welcome to SR. There may be a little less traffic around here due to the holidays and the weekend, but please bear with us. You will definitely get responses, and you can use this slower time to do the reading I suggested above, maybe.
Wishing you strength and clarity as you begin your journey towards freedom.
Good Morning Still and Welcome!
Honey up there ^^^ has already given you some great advise so I don't really have too much to add. I just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
From the sound of your post it seems as if you are already wise enough to know that you need help for YOU. That's a good thing.
Keep coming back... We are here for you!
Ro
Honey up there ^^^ has already given you some great advise so I don't really have too much to add. I just want you to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
From the sound of your post it seems as if you are already wise enough to know that you need help for YOU. That's a good thing.
Keep coming back... We are here for you!
Ro
Welcome to SR, Stillworthy,
I'm glad you reached out and posted. If you've been married 25 years, then this happened over a period of time. It sounds like you have reached a point that how you were dealing with it will no longer work for you.
What do you like to do for fun? I started remembering what I liked to do, then made sure to do some of it. At first it felt odd, but now my single trips, running outings to races, trips to gym, taking college classes and meeting friends for dinner or an outing is part of my life again. It took me awhile to learn marriage doesn't have a martyrdom or sacrificial lamb clause - especially when addiction gets brought to the table.
The book Codepndent No More helped me a lot in reevaluating my role in relationships in general.
I'm glad you reached out and posted. If you've been married 25 years, then this happened over a period of time. It sounds like you have reached a point that how you were dealing with it will no longer work for you.
What do you like to do for fun? I started remembering what I liked to do, then made sure to do some of it. At first it felt odd, but now my single trips, running outings to races, trips to gym, taking college classes and meeting friends for dinner or an outing is part of my life again. It took me awhile to learn marriage doesn't have a martyrdom or sacrificial lamb clause - especially when addiction gets brought to the table.
The book Codepndent No More helped me a lot in reevaluating my role in relationships in general.
I would say that you need to find yourself again and your very own happiness and sanity. The bond your husband has with his mistress is stronger that you can imagine. For him or any other alcoholic, alcohol is as important as food and water and air. You may see it as another woman/mistress, but believe me, it is more than a woman. There is really nothing you can do about it. What helped me with my resentfulness was accepting that my exAH was an ill person who lost control over his drinking. I just do not hate him as much although it still hurts.
What you can do is educate yourself about alcoholism and the role you are playing in it. The more you know, the clearer your next move is going to be.
What you can do is educate yourself about alcoholism and the role you are playing in it. The more you know, the clearer your next move is going to be.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Still Worthy, welcome.
I can feel the sadness in your post. I am sorry .
Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful staying stuck where you don't belong.
Education of this disease is your best chance to finding the best working solution to regain your life.
Still Worthy, I do love your name, You truly do deserve a committed life partner.
I can feel the sadness in your post. I am sorry .
Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful staying stuck where you don't belong.
Education of this disease is your best chance to finding the best working solution to regain your life.
Still Worthy, I do love your name, You truly do deserve a committed life partner.
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