Praying

I spent 18 years with a super high functioning alcoholic who became more abusive over time. When I finally filed for divorce, we had yanked ourselves away from friends and family 1,000 miles away for him to find himself, so had no support system. He escalated dramatically.

My kids were 11 and 13 when the divorce finalized and I moved back "home" with them. They're almost 14 and 16 now.

It took a long time to forgive myself for the last decade of my marriage--I should have left when the boys were toddlers...but I didn't and they experienced SO much.

I established a sound, loving home for them that I'm proud of.

A year ago I let another man and his kids into our lives. He knew my backstory and just "didn't drink". THE DAY we moved in together he started drinking...downhill fast...now admits to being an A, but was emotionally and mostly physically absent in the relationship while I took care of everything. I was so afraid of how asking him to leave would impact my kids--more chaos--how could I do this to them...

I did it anyway. When I talked to the kids and apologized for the added drama, my older son said to me- mom, it's obvious you weren't happy. It's good to see you doing things for yourself. You've taken care of everyone for years...Dad...us...now him...I'm so happy that you seem happy. We'll be fine. He told his best friend I seemed giddy and it had been so long since he'd seen me that happy. (Okay, giddy? His words.)

When I wavered and almost let ex come back my son got TICKED...took me a bit to understand why...but rightly so...he was afraid I'd give in out of guilt for ex's kids or ex's needs...and that would have been horrible in his eyes.

Younger son fully agreed with him...

We've had the best month of our lives together with ex gone.

They see and they know. For anyone staying because of fear about the kids...mine are living proof that they can be okay if one parent provides a relatively stable home and consistent love...regardless of what the other one does.

They're also proof that they see all, and we aren't fooling anyone by sticking around and being miserable. Mine weathered some major changes the last 5 years...and are so much healthier for it. And for watching me admit a mistake.

Just wanted to share for anyone who may be struggling right now. It gets better and can be a beautiful thing, even if we have to recognize more mistakes, as I just did (ugh).

CodeJob

Praying,

Your young men sound very perceptive and really know and love you! Not only that, but they can talk and express their feelings! So you are really raising some great humans!

LucyGoosey

Thanks for sharing your story. Your kids do sound amazing! It seems like you dodged a bullet with this latest relationship. I hear too many stories of people who leave a relationship with an alcoholic only to find themselves in the same place with another alcoholic. Congratulations on seeing it for what it was and putting yourself and your kids first.

Praying

Hi CJ!

Thank you both...after posting this I just spent the night watching my younger son crying over the loss of his best friend "brother" and wishing like heck I could take back that entire year. I introduced more loss for him.

Some kids get good at basketball or hockey, mine at handling loss. Lol. (Sick twisted lol) Too bad you can't put that on a college app.

Always a roller coaster!

lizatola

It's so true. Thank you for sharing. Although my 17 year old son is struggling with his relationship with his dad, he knows that my home is a safe place and he comes to me with his problems and I try to teach him boundaries, respect, self love and self care, and I am working on teaching him how to love himself.

My son sees me happy today and that has been a HUGE blessing for him to see that life can be joyful. He knew I was withering away in my marriage.

Have a great week. Thanks again for bringing a bit of light and hope to the boards.