New here and trying to post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
New here and trying to post
I've been trying to submit a new post for an hour now. It won't go through. Is there a restriction for newbies to post? I was able to get a thread to post in the Technical Issues forum?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I think SR times out. So you have a real long post, write it in a word processor or note app and paste it into the forum. That's assuming you are using a computer and not a smart phone. Not sure what to do if you are using a phone or tablet to access SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
I think SR times out. So you have a real long post, write it in a word processor or note app and paste it into the forum. That's assuming you are using a computer and not a smart phone. Not sure what to do if you are using a phone or tablet to access SR.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Okay, I'm going to try to post my story here, hopefully it will get seen and not buried in the responses, but I can't figure out why it doesn't want to go through!
So I've been lurking around here for a little while now, and thought I should take a minute to introduce myself. I've been reading the stickies and materials and finding a lot to think about!
My partner and I have been together for 13 years. She has been struggling with addiction for at least 8 of those. Pain pills are her drug of choice, but when she's deep down the rabbit hole, pretty much anything will do. Over the years she's been to inpatient, detox, IOP, AA, and just got home from another week long inpatient stay yesterday. These last couple of months have been mostly about alcohol, and an affair with a coworker. Our life has been unrecognizable for a while now.
I am not generally a co-dependent person in other aspects of my life, but I am soooo co-dependent with her. I've enabled, controlled, manipulated, protected, tried to fix, and taken care of her for so many years now. This most recent one has just about broken me. I've lost 20lbs in two months and spent the majority of my nights crying. I knew that I couldn't keep going in this direction, so I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a couple of weeks ago. Reading here, attending meetings and reading books about the steps has really given me a lot to think about. I can see where I'm going wrong, the things I am doing that are unhealthy for me/us, but I'm still struggling to make my way back up to the surface.
Things haven't been all struggle and doom. We've had some pretty amazing happy times. But then, we all have, haven't we? Most of us wouldn't stay in a relationship for so long if it was all bad all the time! We were just married this past July when it finally became legal in our state. We adopted our two beautiful children via the foster care system about 4 years ago. They have their own sets of issues and challenges, but I can't imagine life without them in it. They are the main reason that I know I can't just go down with my partner's sinking ship this time. As much as I struggle with my fears about being a single parent, I know that someone has to be strong and healthy for them. My partner certainly can't right now, so it's up to me.
So here's my current struggle, and why I'm feeling the need to post today:
The last month or so, she's been talking about wanting to move out of the house. She said she "needed space" and couldn't deal with me smothering her anymore. I know that is a legitimate concern, because I was pretty heavy in "control and fix" mode. We were fighting Every. Single. Night. Usually while she was drunk, which is so supremely unhealthy and guaranteed to not get any results for either of us. I had been fighting her wanting to leave, giving threats and ultimatums, always hoping if she would just stay we could fix this together. I knew that if she left, she would just go on a bender and shack up with her coworker, finally "free" of the "monster wife". She did finally find a room to rent and moved out two weeks ago. But the same night she moved out, she got so wasted she blacked out, was belligerent and got the cops called. She was kicked out of the new place that same night and managed to lose $750 in the process. Poof! Her new girlfriend appears to have better boundaries than I do, because apparently there was some fighting between them as well and she decided to distance herself. I let partner move back into the house because she had no where else to go. But over the course of the next week, she and the girlfriend fought, she melted down at work and put her job in major jeopardy, and ended up checking herself into an inpatient mental health facility for a week.
Having her in the facility was hard, I had to run the house and take care of the kids on my own while maintaining my own full time job. But at least I knew she was safe. She said she wanted to come back home when she got out. I gave her three boundaries that I need to have set for myself if this is going to work. I said if she wants to live at home, she has to be actively working recovery (I won't dictate what that looks like, I just need to know there is a plan of some sort), she needs to be in therapy, and she can't have any contact with the girl. She agreed (mostly) to these, and came home yesterday.
The mind-f**k here is that through all of this, even while in the middle of her affair, she's always told me that we will work through this and be okay. That she loves me, doesn't want to lose her family, and "can't see a future without me in it". I want so badly to believe this because it's the last remnants of the kind and caring person that is underneath all of this addiction insanity. But I know that even if she does mean it when she says it, everything can turn on a dime as soon as the addict brain decides it needs another fix. Whether that fix is drugs, alcohol or this new girl, everything she values, everything she has always stood for goes right out the window. I KNOW this about her. So why do I sit there and delude myself into believing it and allowing myself another sliver of hope?
She's starting intensive outpatient on Monday, so I'm glad she's continuing the therapy. She's going to an AA meeting tonight. I'm not naive enough to think that one week in inpatient is enough to fix everything for her/us. And as much as I know that I need to keep her at arms' length right now, I find myself wanting to reach out to her, comfort her, and receive comfort from her. That's the hardest part, I think. Feeling needy and desperate for affection for myself, and hoping that she will be able to give it to me. She can't. She can't think about anything but herself right now. She's better than she was a couple of weeks ago, she was able to play with the kids today and pay attention to them. But I'm not going to get my needs met by her anytime soon. And I'm struggling with it. Struggling with how long I can go on living here with her, and knowing that when I'm in tears and just wanting a hug, I won't get one without anger and resentment attached. Any sign of weakness on my part is just met with such anger and pushing away. So then I feel like I should be pushing her away. I feel like I should be telling her to find somewhere to move out, because having her not be here at all would be better than sleeping alone in our bed, knowing she is downstairs on the couch because she wants to be. Not because I made her, but because she doesn't want to sleep in my bed now. But I shouldn't want her in my bed right now!! So what the hell is wrong with me?
Sigh...this is why I need Al-Anon. And this is why I'm reaching out to all of you wise people here. I feel stuck between what my brain tells me is best and for what my heart is crying out. I feel like I can't trust myself or my own emotions because I've been stuck in such unhealthy patterns for so long.
How do you do it? How do you keep yourself sane and avoid making decisions that you will regret down the road?
So I've been lurking around here for a little while now, and thought I should take a minute to introduce myself. I've been reading the stickies and materials and finding a lot to think about!
My partner and I have been together for 13 years. She has been struggling with addiction for at least 8 of those. Pain pills are her drug of choice, but when she's deep down the rabbit hole, pretty much anything will do. Over the years she's been to inpatient, detox, IOP, AA, and just got home from another week long inpatient stay yesterday. These last couple of months have been mostly about alcohol, and an affair with a coworker. Our life has been unrecognizable for a while now.
I am not generally a co-dependent person in other aspects of my life, but I am soooo co-dependent with her. I've enabled, controlled, manipulated, protected, tried to fix, and taken care of her for so many years now. This most recent one has just about broken me. I've lost 20lbs in two months and spent the majority of my nights crying. I knew that I couldn't keep going in this direction, so I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a couple of weeks ago. Reading here, attending meetings and reading books about the steps has really given me a lot to think about. I can see where I'm going wrong, the things I am doing that are unhealthy for me/us, but I'm still struggling to make my way back up to the surface.
Things haven't been all struggle and doom. We've had some pretty amazing happy times. But then, we all have, haven't we? Most of us wouldn't stay in a relationship for so long if it was all bad all the time! We were just married this past July when it finally became legal in our state. We adopted our two beautiful children via the foster care system about 4 years ago. They have their own sets of issues and challenges, but I can't imagine life without them in it. They are the main reason that I know I can't just go down with my partner's sinking ship this time. As much as I struggle with my fears about being a single parent, I know that someone has to be strong and healthy for them. My partner certainly can't right now, so it's up to me.
So here's my current struggle, and why I'm feeling the need to post today:
The last month or so, she's been talking about wanting to move out of the house. She said she "needed space" and couldn't deal with me smothering her anymore. I know that is a legitimate concern, because I was pretty heavy in "control and fix" mode. We were fighting Every. Single. Night. Usually while she was drunk, which is so supremely unhealthy and guaranteed to not get any results for either of us. I had been fighting her wanting to leave, giving threats and ultimatums, always hoping if she would just stay we could fix this together. I knew that if she left, she would just go on a bender and shack up with her coworker, finally "free" of the "monster wife". She did finally find a room to rent and moved out two weeks ago. But the same night she moved out, she got so wasted she blacked out, was belligerent and got the cops called. She was kicked out of the new place that same night and managed to lose $750 in the process. Poof! Her new girlfriend appears to have better boundaries than I do, because apparently there was some fighting between them as well and she decided to distance herself. I let partner move back into the house because she had no where else to go. But over the course of the next week, she and the girlfriend fought, she melted down at work and put her job in major jeopardy, and ended up checking herself into an inpatient mental health facility for a week.
Having her in the facility was hard, I had to run the house and take care of the kids on my own while maintaining my own full time job. But at least I knew she was safe. She said she wanted to come back home when she got out. I gave her three boundaries that I need to have set for myself if this is going to work. I said if she wants to live at home, she has to be actively working recovery (I won't dictate what that looks like, I just need to know there is a plan of some sort), she needs to be in therapy, and she can't have any contact with the girl. She agreed (mostly) to these, and came home yesterday.
The mind-f**k here is that through all of this, even while in the middle of her affair, she's always told me that we will work through this and be okay. That she loves me, doesn't want to lose her family, and "can't see a future without me in it". I want so badly to believe this because it's the last remnants of the kind and caring person that is underneath all of this addiction insanity. But I know that even if she does mean it when she says it, everything can turn on a dime as soon as the addict brain decides it needs another fix. Whether that fix is drugs, alcohol or this new girl, everything she values, everything she has always stood for goes right out the window. I KNOW this about her. So why do I sit there and delude myself into believing it and allowing myself another sliver of hope?
She's starting intensive outpatient on Monday, so I'm glad she's continuing the therapy. She's going to an AA meeting tonight. I'm not naive enough to think that one week in inpatient is enough to fix everything for her/us. And as much as I know that I need to keep her at arms' length right now, I find myself wanting to reach out to her, comfort her, and receive comfort from her. That's the hardest part, I think. Feeling needy and desperate for affection for myself, and hoping that she will be able to give it to me. She can't. She can't think about anything but herself right now. She's better than she was a couple of weeks ago, she was able to play with the kids today and pay attention to them. But I'm not going to get my needs met by her anytime soon. And I'm struggling with it. Struggling with how long I can go on living here with her, and knowing that when I'm in tears and just wanting a hug, I won't get one without anger and resentment attached. Any sign of weakness on my part is just met with such anger and pushing away. So then I feel like I should be pushing her away. I feel like I should be telling her to find somewhere to move out, because having her not be here at all would be better than sleeping alone in our bed, knowing she is downstairs on the couch because she wants to be. Not because I made her, but because she doesn't want to sleep in my bed now. But I shouldn't want her in my bed right now!! So what the hell is wrong with me?
Sigh...this is why I need Al-Anon. And this is why I'm reaching out to all of you wise people here. I feel stuck between what my brain tells me is best and for what my heart is crying out. I feel like I can't trust myself or my own emotions because I've been stuck in such unhealthy patterns for so long.
How do you do it? How do you keep yourself sane and avoid making decisions that you will regret down the road?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Welcome Findingme! I am so glad you found us and so very sorry for what you are going through.
This stuff hurts like all holy heck and there are a lot of us here who have been through various flavors of what you are experiencing. Sharing a home and kids makes it exponentially harder.
At this point, do everything you can to take care of yourself and your kids. I hope the Alanon group you find is a good fit and keep posting here.
This stuff hurts like all holy heck and there are a lot of us here who have been through various flavors of what you are experiencing. Sharing a home and kids makes it exponentially harder.
At this point, do everything you can to take care of yourself and your kids. I hope the Alanon group you find is a good fit and keep posting here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
I have never regretted making a wise decision for my own life, health and wellbeing of my daughters.
You deserve to have an adult to share your life with. It may be difficult taking care of children on our own, however - right now you are taking care of 3, not 2. It will end when you have had enough.
Wishing you the best, sending hugs,
Joie
You deserve to have an adult to share your life with. It may be difficult taking care of children on our own, however - right now you are taking care of 3, not 2. It will end when you have had enough.
Wishing you the best, sending hugs,
Joie
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