Zircon

Hi,
I'm glad the holiday is over. It used to put a smile on my face. Was my favorite time of year.
I enjoyed the company of my family, good food, and my baking.
This year, my ah, left Monday night, due to me calling the police. Haven't seen or heard from him.
My greatest joy was having my daughter and grandson on Christmas Eve. It was very pleasant.
Christmas Day was kinda lonely, peaceful though. I did some sewing, and watched movies with my dogs.
I don't think I'll ever have a good feeling about the holiday again.
I'm going to an Alanon meeting this morning.
Not sure what to do? Should I call my ah, request to meet with him in public. Or just wait. It's hard not knowing what's going on.
I'm actively looking for a place to live. I will be moving.
I'm very confused this morning?

Yoga

Are you able to wait?

Yoga

BTW Wait doesn't mean sit and twiddle your thumbs,it means carry on with your life,take care of you and let things fall into place.

Zircon

Yes, I don't need to contact him.
I just know I'm the one suffering, and getting ready to change my whole life! Pretty scary. It seems my ah is punishing me, or just doesn't care about much.

maia1234

Z, glad you had a quiet christmas. I would go no contact with ah, why do you need to talk. If you had to talk, I would email or text. It will do nothing but up set you. No new contact means no new hurts.

Don't think so far down the line. Think about today. What kind act can you do for yourself, go for a walk, take a bath, paint your nails. Be kind to yourself, step back and make a short term and long term plans for your future. Then tomorrow think how you can execute your plan. Take your time, don't force a solution and things will turn out the way they are suppose too.

Hugs my firend, Merry Christmas and happy new year to you.

LexieCat

You have a "no contact" order IN PLACE (or at least pending). This is for your OWN safety. Even though it wouldn't be a violation for you to contact him (you can't be charged with violating your own order), it would be a violation for him to continue to speak with you, regardless of who initiated the call. Furthermore, even though your contacting him wouldn't be a defense if he were to be charged with a violation, you'd certainly be sending him the message that the order isn't important, and that you don't really mean it. Is that the message you want him to get?

Please STOP thinking of his not contacting you as "punishment"--right now it is what he HAS to do, and it's the best thing for both of you.

Consider this, too. Suppose you contacted him, made arrangements to meet him in a public place, and he gets drunk or abusive and someone else calls the cops. He's the one that would go to jail.

So just DON'T. You're making a whole lot of assumptions about how great his life is, and you're making a whole lot of assumptions about how your future is going to look. I can promise you, you WILL be able to enjoy the holidays in the future. There are all kinds of things in your future--some may be difficult/sad, but many others will be joyful and you won't have to be on pins and needles about what he is going to do that might ruin it for you.

I think you did FABULOUSLY with this holiday under the circumstances. It WILL get better.

dandylion

Zircon......take Lexie's post....and carry it with you....read it as many times a day as you need to.....

Keep your head in charge for the foreseeable future.....your heart cannot be trusted, just now.
No contact is the best thing....you will gain NOTHING by contacting him...except more pain...do you really need another big slice of pain??

Don't forget that this man is F----- Up.
Try to stop trying to romanticize his life......
Who, in their right mind would want to be him.....

thank God that you are you...and, that you have a way out of this...and, people who care for your welfare....and, the ability to have a good and happy future....

Your glass is half-full.....not half empty......

dandylion

Zircon

Hi,
I think, I'm overthinking things. Actually have too much time to think.
I won't contact him. Will let it play out the way it's meant too!
Neither my ah or I can change any of the things that have happened in the past.
I'm trying to again anticipate what is going to happen, instead of embracing the day.
This is so hard for me, when I make any decision, I try to consider all the people it will effect. Sounds silly, I guess.
Again, a moment of weakness. What purpose would it serve if I contacted him. It would cause me more pain.
Again, I think I just needed to hear your advice. Thank you!

honeypig

You are not alone in this; it's really really common. We do it b/c it gives us some sense of control, a feeling of knowing what will happen and how we will handle it. It makes us feel like we are the ones driving, somehow, even when what we imagine is bad. Alanon calls it "future tripping."

There are 2 major problems with it, though:

1) We are almost always wrong. We simply don't have the ability to predict the future in much detail, so all that energy and time we spent working out exactly what is going to happen and what we are going to do when it does happen, ends up being wasted when we could have put it to so much better use.

2) And again, the time and energy we spend predicting/preparing for the future robs us of the beauty/learning/companionship that is right here, all around us, today. Our blinders are on and we are focused on a future that may never happen while we are missing right now.

Just keep bringing yourself back to the present moment, gently, as if you were a child or a puppy you were teaching something to. Gently. Very gently.

You're gonna be OK.

LexieCat

What you're doing/thinking isn't "silly"--it's actually a pretty normal part of trying to process what's going on when a huge disruption in your life occurs. Just don't take your own thoughts too seriously, and for right now don't analyze them too closely. Just think of them as part of the "noise" that happens in your brain when things get shaken up a bit.

Lilro

Good Morning Z

My advise?? Listen to what these ladies are saying to you! I made the mistake of not taking their advise when I first found SR and continued contact with my ExBF. BIG MISTAKE. The only thing that did was put me 3 additional months BEHIND in my healing. He's who he is, I'm who I am, NOTHING changed. Actually, it was worse because I finally saw "him" for who he really was with my eyes WIDE OPEN (pathetic).
When I left my ex husband ( different relationship ) I felt pretty much the same way you are feeling now. Scared for the future plus i had a young son in the mix. Agreed to sell the home that I loved, had to go back to work. My life as I knew it was going to do a 180, it was terrifying. I ended up renting a townhouse for what turned out to be two years prior to purchasing the home I live in now. Can I tell you that those were the most PEACEFUL two years I have ever had? Those were mine and mine only. I did what I wanted, when I wanted, whatever I wanted. Total peace and harmony and it was wonderful. It felt so good to be able to do things on my own. Was it lonely at times? Absolutely. But I wouldn't trade that for a second of the chaos that came with my ex husband, NO WAY! I still reflect on that time as being the most content time in my adult life.
I guess what I am trying to tell you is.... There is a life for you after your husband and it's going to be a GREAT one. I know it's scary but I also know that YOU CAN DO IT. So shake off the noise, hold your head up, be proud of who you are girl and more importantly, show your daughter what her momma is made of! You've got this!!
Ro

Lilro

Oh and BTW, my Exbf turned out to be the same guy as my Exhusband.... Different package. I guess we never stop learning..... Ugh!!

amy55

No, please don't call him, he is waiting for that. He needs to know that he has control. Again, you had to call 911. He was threatening, and no one should feel like that in their own home.

I do understand the "limbo" that you are feeling. I was there many times. I think it was when I realized that I didn't need his permission to do something, and I didn't have to carry around my cell phone 24/7 waiting for a call, is when I did start to heal.

It's funny now that I can go food shopping or out with friends for a few hours, and I forget to bring that cell phone that used to be attached to me for the times, in case he calls.

I'm really glad that you had a good Christmas Eve. That used to be my day, now I have Christmas Day with my friends, and I stay overnight there, no computer, no dinosaur cell phone, just friends.

Just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you.

((((((hugs))))))
amy

Zircon

Hi,
I took the advice and haven't contacted him. Just hard, not knowing where he is. I'm thinking, my ah is at his sisters, or maybe at 1 of the 2 friends, that don't really work for us, but are there everyday!! I just don't know, and probably shouldn't care!
It just seems odd? My ah was ordering me out of his house the night I called the police, but has been gone from his house for 6 days. Doesn't make much sense.
Thank you for thinking about me. I think I need lots of help and support. Hopefully, I'll make it through this in one piece.

amy55

Z,

You're going to make it. You have a family here now.

I do know that the "limbo" things were the worst. How about tomorrow, you either do some after the holiday xmas shopping, or just go walk around a mall and smile at people. It's amazing the conversations that you can get into !!!!!

Even if you don't have conversations, just know how many people smile back at you, and they do. I know this, because I do this a lot. (lol)

I'll be here tonight, but going to my sisters tomorrow in New Jersey and staying overnight there, I hate driving 2 hours at night.

So for tonight, bury that cell phone somewhere, do not walk around with it, and take a nice bath with candles and bubble bath.

(((((amy)))))
amy

PS - I think I'm going for that bubble bath and candles also.

LexieCat

How do you know he's been gone from his house for six days? If you're driving by or something, stop it. He would probably LOVE to file a stalking complaint against you.

Trust me, you're better off not knowing where he is or what he's doing. If you need to find out something for some REASON (e.g., something involving the business), let your lawyer do the communicating.

amy55

Lexie, I thought they lived together, and he just high tailed it out of there after the police were called.

amy

LexieCat

OK, maybe I'm misunderstanding because of the term "his house" (as opposed to "our house").

dandylion

Zircon......really.....what difference does it make where he is.... ? How will knowing change things...?
I don't think it is particularly "odd".....I think it just reflect how tied y ou have become to him---from monitoring his behaviors and thoughts and moods for so many years. This is what happens. You begin to live inside their brain as much ....or more....than your own.
It is like having very little children....you have to monitor them so closely....that it feels l ike something is missing (very uncomfortable) when they are out of range.....
I think that this is normal for your situation....but, as ti me goes on....this will progressively change.....
All changes require some adjustmement time!

dandylion

amy55

Oh, ok, Can understand that. I think the reason for why she is trying to get her own apt is because it is "his house".

amy