sourbaby1986

Hi everybody, and Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate it

So I'm a week sober and clean (with a benzo taper...) and it's been mostly good. Only a few times have I had to turn down alcohol so that's a plus for sure. I had gotten a temporary sponsor and she just told me that she cant work with me because a) she has no experience with pills and b) I'm still "using" cause I'm tapering my benzos. It honestly makes no sense to me to detox from them all at once and endure long lasting misery. I'm not abusing them - I'll reduce the dose each week. Even with the dose as it is, I'm still not sleeping right.

But her saying she couldn't work with me made me feel really small, really inadequate, really like I don't belong. But my truth is that I'm a generalized addict - it's not just alcohol. And if her truth is that she can only work with people who are purely alcoholics, i guess that is okay.

Yes, I cried a little bit. Christmas has been rough with my family. My mom is really emotionally abusive and bathes in self-pity, leaving me and my sister trying to figure out how to please her. It's a really difficult situation I won't natter on about. But in any case, it can weaken my resolve.

But, what is getting me through right now is that NOBODY else is my higher power. It's just not a thing. I need to be true - really true - to MYSELF.

Am I an addict? Yes
Do I belong in the program? Yes
Do I need to let things get worse before I make a change? No
Am I willing to go to any length? Yes

So, I guess if this woman cannot sponsor me, it doesn't mean I am screwed. It JUST means that she can't sponsor me.

I'm kind of white knuckling, I do need the relief I know comes with the steps. It is definitely difficult being out of the country and not able to attend meetings as regularly, or have the hope of finding a regular sponsor while I'm here. But - here I am posting.

What is keeping me going is getting legitimately interested in other people at social functions. Be so interested that nobody cares I'm not drinking - all other people really want to do is talk about themselves anyway. And if I can be really interested - I wont be boring, and maybe I'll learn something.

My other challenging trait is the perfectionism, which is at bay right now because I'm off work. if I can find a way to not work myself up into craziness and not give myself the extra 'boost' I know I want, I might make it until I can get a permanent sponsor.

And my desperate need for validation is going to have me refreshing this page to see if anybody responds to this. Please respond to me, tell me I'm smart or enlightened or anything to feed my ego it's starving just give it something a little piece please oh please its Christmas come on...That's the voice inside my head. She needs to chill out a little bit, and remember: NOBODY is my higher power. Not a temporary sponsor, not my mom, not my boss, my boyfriend, my friends, or you wonderful people on this wonderful forum. And not me, either

If there are any women willing to temp sponsor me on here...I'm on pacific time in the united states.

Thanks for letting me get that out.

Fly N Buy

Are you tapering under direction of a medical doctor? If I were asked to sponsor someone taking benzos it's the first question I would ask and would be a strong suggestion before I could do any step work with them. Same would be true for someone still drinking who wanted to do step work.

Not judging- just saying.

And yea, I would hope your sponsor wouldn't be your HP.

Keep coming back and keep posting

sourbaby1986

Thanks

Well, I'm on a low dose but I have the tendency to abuse them. So if I asked my doc to taper them she would be like, why is that even necessary? So she doesn't really know the problem so much. So I decided to taper myself....just take 3/4 the dose for a week or two, then 1/2, then 1/4 until zero.

I just don't know why I would go cold turkey if I didn't have to. Seems unnecessarily painful...but if it's what I had to do to get a sponsor, I'll do it...

Am I crazy for even thinking about working the steps while taking a prescribed dose of klonopin? Is it really that bad? Maybe I have some denial, but I'm taking a really low dose...

ScottFromWI

I think you should ask your doctor rather than guessing what she would say. Benzo withdrawals/tapering is not something you should take lightly, no matter the dose.

sourbaby1986

Okay, fair enough. I can make an appointment for when I'm back in town next week.

I keep going back to the 'maybe I'm fine' mentality, but it never feels fine...

DG0409

Merry Christmas to you too sourbaby.

Different people have different opinions about quitting stuff. I think some people feel that if you're tapering, you may not stick to the plan and until you are totally off them there is no guarantee that you WILL make it totally off them.

Let me just say, I don't have any experience with pills. But I used to smoke A LOT of pot (pretty much constantly from when I woke up until I went to bed). I tapered down for a while before quitting and I caught A TON of flack for it on my thread here about it. Most people thought I should go cold turkey, but that just wasn't happening for me. Here I am now, 2 years and 4 months off it.

Do what you feel will work best for you to get clean and sober. If it doesn't work, then try something else and be open to advice. I think being here and feeling ready to work towards being clean and sober is a HUGE step!!

As to working the steps, I know there will be a huge range of opinions on this, but I'll just share mine. I think that digging deeper, dealing with regrets from our past, and working towards a better us really is important to being happy in our recovery. But I don't know that this needs to be a priority for the first few months that you are clean and sober. Even a low dose of whatever means that your mind isn't really working as it will once you're entirely off of it. And even for the first few weeks and months totally off of something, your brain will still be healing and you still won't be thinking as clearly as you will down the road a little.

Try to focus on the basics for now- working towards getting 100% off everything, and then taking stuff one day at a time sober for a while.

I found it helped me a lot early on to start establishing healthier habits and focusing on those things on a day-to-day basis. Eating healthy, working, getting some exercise, doing yoga, getting on here, etc.

Dee74

I agree with Scott regarding seeing your Dr.

Are you feeling any better now than you were before?

D

sourbaby1986

Thanks - I really appreciate your openness, and I do understand that there will be a variety of opinions on this subject.

And you're right - I feel like my " small dose" isn't even doing anything, but its not doing NOTHING. I would be willing to try nothing, but it just seems miserable. No sleep etc...

I'm willing to wait a bit, but I'm just concerned that without some relief I'm going to head back into the disease after not too long. I can certainly get some time - but I can never "stay stopped", like the book says. If I can't really develop this relationship with a power greater than me, i don't see how I'm going to make it the next month. Just honestly speaking. I'll be fully white knuckling - I've done it before, but it's so emotionally taxing.

sourbaby1986

I can do that.

Yeah, I am feeling better than before. But I've also taken a couple days off work, and have been doing some daily meditations. And going to meetings. A meeting always helps for sure. I just have so many stressful things going on...and I'm so 'all or nothing'. The steps give me HOPE. Seriously. It's like my head says "okay, we're going to do it this way, 100%, lets do the steps" OR its like, "well you have nothing reliable, it's just a matter of time before you're back into the alcohol etc, might as well just start now".

Fly N Buy

In sobriety I don't take any medication that isn't prescribed by physician and then follow the dosage I was given. Same with OTC drugs if needed. Clearly a doctor should be involved with attempts at detoxing tapering or not.

It would be difficult - imo - to do step work with someone and discuss issues of powerlessness and unmanageable if they were still using.

That said, I would have coffee, be happy to chat and you'd have my support/friendship - but step work would have to wait. I would highly encourage engaging in the fellowship and make as many meetings as you can.

Glad you are posting and glad you are attending AA. SR of course has a 12 step forum for question directly pertaining to the program if you so choose.

Maffers

I would HIGHLY suggest working very closely with your doctor for Benzo withdrawl. Depending on how long you have been on them your brain chemistry has adapted to use with them. Withdrawling from them suddenly or even reducing dose can cause serious health problems or even death.

Your going to have to re-adapt your brain to function without the drug. Ways to cope with anxiety, restlessness, etc. I would recommend taking up yoga, or Tai Chi, or some other cardio to help the physical symptoms. Another group you might be interested in is NA Narcotics Anonymous, they are based on the 12 steps and their big book is more modern in its verbiage. It might be far easier to find a sponsor in that group as well for benzo addiction.

Of course the step: We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Course the next step: We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

I know the first time I read it I thought what kinda preachy BS is this!? Some kinda reformed Christian crap of a cult!? I was looking at it from the critical skepticism perspective instead of breaking it down to what really is being said. A power greater then ourselves, simply is something greater then ourselves or will power. Just like drugs or alcohol were our greater power to our addicted brains. It's science fact our addicted brain has short circuited from the primal inner brain and forged pathways to our frontal cortex back and forth. It's simply not a thought process we can control with will power. The addiction is much bigger then ourselves. So we turn our will power over to something higher then ourselves, it could be pretty much anything you wish to make that, Nature, Love, Community, etc...

Wishing you all the best, and take care.

teatreeoil007

No you're not crazy!!


I see zero wrong with medicAlly supervised aNd/or managed detox... Part of that could involve meds to a Assist you, not give you a new high .. Aside from psyche benefit of some meds-- there is that whole added benefit of watching your blood pressure and hope you don't blow a gasket by going cold turkey-- some folks draw a real hArd line with the zero meds thing and if. That's what it takes for them fine- they have my admiration -- I have found that I benefit most by keeping my options open

fantail

I'm that way too (a lot of "us" are!). It's a tricky trait but it can be used in your favor. If there's no one else you can ask to sponsor you right now, ride that 100% wave and give yourself homework. Read through the book and highlight things that you find interesting, note comments or questions that you have, etc. Start thinking about Steps One through Three and any kind of outside reading or thinking that you may want to do related to them. Write things down, and then when you find someone you can jump right in with them. Even if they want to do things a completely different way, I guarantee that won't be time wasted.

Berrybean

Willing to go to ANY lengths?

Well, you know what lengths that lady needs you to go to in order to start working the steps with you. Sure, it might be miserable for a little while. I'd take short term misery over dragging it out any day of the week though. Up to you though. You're the one who needs to decide if recovery is worth that temporary discomfort. She's not the first to have told you that step-work can only happen one you're clean and sober. And she won't be the last no doubt. Hopefully one day you'll get to be the person telling someone else that as you help them on their journey to recovery.

Regarding your mum, I have the same kind of thing with a family member. The wonder of Christmas eh!!
Luckily my contact with them this Christmas has been limited to two phone conversations (so far anyway - I am visiting them next week - on my own as my partner is not willing to go there). The first phone conversation lasted all of 2 minutes, but left me bubbling over with re-heated resentments (which I thought had completely gone - just goes to show - gotta keep working that program). Luckily I was going to a meeting later, which really helped me. It was a BB meeting and talking about the effect of our drinking, and our sobriety on our family and friends. Someone at the meeting asked me "Is he doing anything he hasn't been doing for the last 43 years you knew him?" (no). "Then why're you taking it personally. This is HIS problem. It's nothing to do with you." Doesn't sound much but that, along with the serenity prayer, and some resentment prayers, helped me calm down and become unaffected. When I spoke to my brother I told him, 'I must be getting better because I recovered from that phone conversation in 4 hours instead of it taking days or weeks'. My brother worked out it's had taken him 27 hours to recover from a similar conversation with the same person. Not that there's any sibling rivalry or anything, eh!! Lol. Funny - how I saw my brother as the enemy for so many years, and now I can see that he is my ally.
It doesn't sound like your mum wants to be pleased, so maybe just 'oh mom' her and have a giggle with your sister about her antics. A lot of my people-pleasing and perfectionism came from a childhood trying to do the impossible (or, please an Impossible combination of family whose needs and wants were at odds - so if you pleased one you'd upset the other). I kind of decided to just stomp on the egg-shells and let them deal with their own self-pity and unrealistic expectations in the end. Just every so often I get caught out - thankfully my HP and my sponsor, and fellow AAers and the people on here and the program work better than ANY substance ever did at adjusting my perspective so that I can understand and deal with people and situations (including difficult family members).

Take care

sourbaby1986

Thank you!! I had a list of women available to sponsor from a meeting I went to last week so I emailed anyone with some sobriety and said I was looking for a temp sponsor. I was upfront from the beginning that my problem is not exclusively alcohol - I didn't want to waste anybody's time or face (what feels like) rejection again. A girl emailed me she's got six years, she's new in town with time to sponsor. I'm not sure yet if it will be permanent - she's my age, I always thought of my sponsor as being "older and wiser" but I'm game to try.

Excited - but as the title of the post says - realizing she is not my higher power. Of course, obviously - but its not obvious for people like me. I want to put her on this pedestal and give her the "power" to fix or break me. This right now is what's keeping me going. Tapping into a power greater than me that ISNT a human. I don't know the quote but I know it's in the big book.

I'll keep coming to this forum - you guys are smart, helpful, supportive and to the point!

sourbaby1986

I feel silly because my dose is low. But they have a really strong effect on me and i can notice any dosing changes. I'll tell her but I feel kinda ridiculous.

PurpleKnight

Having read all your previous posts Sourbaby, I really do think you're making some great progress, you've had to think and work out a lot of things when it's come to making Sobriety be a longterm goal.

Sure it's taken a while but to hear you accept the situation and that you're willing to go to any length, I think that's some serious growth right there!!

DarrenW

I finished a Xanax taper on Oct 15th and I am an alcoholic. Many folks in AA do not have a clue how hard (and long) benzo withdrawals are. They are the worst and last forever. Let me know if you have any questions.

Steely

I'm tapering benzo' s too. They were prescribed for me when I got Serotonin Syndrome from 2 different anti-depressants and had seizure and could not stop shaking. Felt like I was about to die. They are very difficult to reduce and should be done very slowly. I am reducing under my psych's supervision. The Ashton Manual is useful too.

I don't use AA but can't understand why you can't do Step Work. I'll be your sponsor for Step 1. Don't pick up. ha ha I'm only a week sober.

I'm taking my benzo WD very seriously. If I don't it will threaten my sobriety without doubt.