To all of you who think you are protecting your young children...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
To all of you who think you are protecting your young children...
...or who think they are too young to be affected by your spouse/partner's drinking--
Right now my twenty year old daughter is locked in her room at her house, with her boyfriend I never would have picked, cutting herself, and ranting incoherently about how ****** up "people" are, and how she wishes she could be alone.
She seeks broken people, surrounds herself with them, because that's the only thing she's known since she was four-- her mother's drinking and my codependency, and all the ******** that surrounded it. She doesn't think she deserves good things, good jobs, or good people, and won't seek help for her own issues.
MY LOVE WAS NOT ENOUGH. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
There is only one way you can protect them-- remove them from the influence of the alcoholic and seek treatment for your issues/codependency/whatever is keeping you with the alcoholic/addict through counseling, psychiatry, self-help books, Alanon, AA, or other programs. Inaction is just exposing them to the worst.
Denial is not enough, love is not enough, promises are not enough, nothing is enough but removing them from the alcoholic and learning, as quickly as you ******* can, how to be a healthy parent.
Merry ******* Christmas.
Cyranoak
Right now my twenty year old daughter is locked in her room at her house, with her boyfriend I never would have picked, cutting herself, and ranting incoherently about how ****** up "people" are, and how she wishes she could be alone.
She seeks broken people, surrounds herself with them, because that's the only thing she's known since she was four-- her mother's drinking and my codependency, and all the ******** that surrounded it. She doesn't think she deserves good things, good jobs, or good people, and won't seek help for her own issues.
MY LOVE WAS NOT ENOUGH. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
There is only one way you can protect them-- remove them from the influence of the alcoholic and seek treatment for your issues/codependency/whatever is keeping you with the alcoholic/addict through counseling, psychiatry, self-help books, Alanon, AA, or other programs. Inaction is just exposing them to the worst.
Denial is not enough, love is not enough, promises are not enough, nothing is enough but removing them from the alcoholic and learning, as quickly as you ******* can, how to be a healthy parent.
Merry ******* Christmas.
Cyranoak
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry, Cy,
You must be terribly scared for your daughter. Have you called 911? They can take her in for an eval.
My son went through some similar stuff, and he never experienced alcoholism in his home--his dad was sober (and mentally stable) by the time he was born, and my drinking didn't really start till I was out of the house (he lived with his dad).
We all know living with an alcoholic parent can cause serious problems; my point is that you don't know that it caused THIS problem with your daughter. I'm sure it didn't help.
I'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
You must be terribly scared for your daughter. Have you called 911? They can take her in for an eval.
My son went through some similar stuff, and he never experienced alcoholism in his home--his dad was sober (and mentally stable) by the time he was born, and my drinking didn't really start till I was out of the house (he lived with his dad).
We all know living with an alcoholic parent can cause serious problems; my point is that you don't know that it caused THIS problem with your daughter. I'm sure it didn't help.
I'll keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Cyranoak,
I hear a lot of pain in your post. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you.
Just to throw in a bit of balance to the topic, at some point kids become adults and responsible for their own lives. Some of their choiced have nothing to do with us parents.
I was raised in a crazy alcoholic family. None of the adults were able to provide any kind of love for the children, not any. I did not even have a codie mother, she was a pill-head. Any kind of horror that you can imagine was done to us kids in that family. I have a cousin who is disabled and disfigured for life as a result of that family.
I started looking for therapy when I was about 15. Eventually I did find a couple of good ones. Later on I was involved in starting a program that is today known as "Adult Children of Alcoholics", and after that one for adult survivors of childhood torture.
Took me a few years, but I did manage to get my head "un-messed-up".
My parents never divorced. In fact, in later years I found out my father had a second family on the other side of the country. He was a bigamist, among everything else.
My experience has been that telling codies what to do because of the children never works. _Showing_ codies what to do for _themselves_ works much better, and faster. Along the way it helps the children.
I hope your daughter finds her way. When she does she will have you to help show her the light, for that I think she is very lucky. I never had that.
Mike
Moderator, SR
I hear a lot of pain in your post. I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you.
Just to throw in a bit of balance to the topic, at some point kids become adults and responsible for their own lives. Some of their choiced have nothing to do with us parents.
I was raised in a crazy alcoholic family. None of the adults were able to provide any kind of love for the children, not any. I did not even have a codie mother, she was a pill-head. Any kind of horror that you can imagine was done to us kids in that family. I have a cousin who is disabled and disfigured for life as a result of that family.
I started looking for therapy when I was about 15. Eventually I did find a couple of good ones. Later on I was involved in starting a program that is today known as "Adult Children of Alcoholics", and after that one for adult survivors of childhood torture.
Took me a few years, but I did manage to get my head "un-messed-up".
My parents never divorced. In fact, in later years I found out my father had a second family on the other side of the country. He was a bigamist, among everything else.
My experience has been that telling codies what to do because of the children never works. _Showing_ codies what to do for _themselves_ works much better, and faster. Along the way it helps the children.
I hope your daughter finds her way. When she does she will have you to help show her the light, for that I think she is very lucky. I never had that.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Crynoak.....I can feel the pain behind your words. As a mother, I feel deeply for you....
She is only twenty.....there is hope....
You can encourage her to get help...in any way that you can.....
But, please stop beating yourself up.....it is hurting you...and it won't help her one bit.....
My heart goes out to you, tonight.....
dandylion
She is only twenty.....there is hope....
You can encourage her to get help...in any way that you can.....
But, please stop beating yourself up.....it is hurting you...and it won't help her one bit.....
My heart goes out to you, tonight.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
So sorry,,hope you will be able to get some help for your daughter.What you are describing is my future with my own son.Thank you for the in site,,I already see some of the co dependent behaviors in him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm in hell, same as you, with my kids. And as much as I know that I left when I was able to leave, I still hate myself for not being able to earlier.
I also know you've done everything in your might to help your daughter both during your marriage and after the divorce. And I know that knowing that doesn't ease the pain.
I also know you've done everything in your might to help your daughter both during your marriage and after the divorce. And I know that knowing that doesn't ease the pain.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm so sorry Cy, how is she doing? How are YOU doing?
I completely agree that the earlier the healing & recovering begin, the better chances our children have at minimizing the impact of their damage. Educating DD on boundaries, helping her build healthy tools to manage her emotions & modeling non-Codie behavior is hard work for both of us... but it's what I KNOW was missing in my life when I was standing in her exact shoes.
I completely agree that the earlier the healing & recovering begin, the better chances our children have at minimizing the impact of their damage. Educating DD on boundaries, helping her build healthy tools to manage her emotions & modeling non-Codie behavior is hard work for both of us... but it's what I KNOW was missing in my life when I was standing in her exact shoes.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ yes!! That's what I missed when growing up in chaos, abuse and dysfunction. I had no healthy parent so I've had to re parent and program myself to be able to raise my girls in a healthy, non Codie home with healthy boundaries and voices that matter. I'm so sorry, Cry...you did do what you could. That's all any of us can do....hindsight is always 20/20-best not to look back but forward. Peace to yiu, friend.
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