Nicole7171

I've been in a tumultuous relationship for the past eight years. His addiction has ruined any semblance of a solid future for us. We have been off and on a few times and long distance for over half of the relationship.

I'm so torn because this pattern has been our norm. He loses his job and a place to live and uses/lashes out at me when I am the only person that hasn't given up on him. We are in different states and his family has pretty much abandoned him.

He has attempted suicide multiple times and made threats to that effect in order to suck me back in, in the past. I worry though now that he has lost me that he will hurt himself.

He has said amazingly pointed and hateful things to me over text(the most recent last night, where he swore at me and ended us.) and cut me off from communication. I know that this is toxic but I still love the man behind the addiction and it hurts my heart that he is now painting me in his mind as this hateful person who caused him all of this pain and abandoned him. He has had many years of chances and it's turned into too little too late. But I worry that he is now alone and my heart hurts.

Any kind words or advice would be amazing, I just wish that he could have been the person that I know and love who is underneath his addiction, and I feel like I've lost a soulmate. I'm worried that I'm letting that walk away.

Bekindalways

Welcome Nicole. There are a lot of us here who have been in similar situations. It is extraordinarily painful.

Unfortunately, you absolutely can not save this beautiful man from his addiction. Reality just doesn't work that way. The best thing you can do is set some boundaries with him and take care of yourself. This is a super scary thing to do. The only element here that you can change is that only one life is lost and not two. Please let go of this man.

Nicole7171

Bekindalways-It is scary, but I know that I need to stick to my boundaries on this and protect myself so that the pattern doesn't continue. He is literally alone in a new state, and even though I know that this relationship is toxic to me I still care and worry about him. Thank you for your kind support and I am trying to let go. Hour by hour at this point is the best I can do.

Priscilla84

So familiar. Yes many of us have been in similar situations and been through all these feelings. I am still getting through it myself. Miss the guy he was, where is the great guy I knew, how did he go from loving me to hating me overnight, who is the real person- the nice one or the mean one, will he ever come back, why does he prefer drugs over me, and on and on...

I would suggest Nar Anon and Al Anon meetings for you. I have been going for a few weeks and it's so nice to be around others who are going through similar things. Also, read as much as you can. I have so many websites and messages boards screenshots on my phone that I read over and over. Reading about the nature of addiction and other peoples similar experiences is comforting in those moments when you are going nuts.

Anytime I start to get lost on the train of asking all those questions I tell myself "because he is an addict and that's what addicts do." There is no sense in trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense, does that make sense ?

Even my ex has told me he doesn't understand himself and what he has done doesn't make sense.

As for feeling bad for them for what they are going through and for them being alone, well I still do a tiny bit. Not that he is alone, because that was his choice. But I feel a little bad that he grew up in a family and environment that created this issue. I get mad at his parents at times. A child didn't deserve to be born into what he was born into. BUT I have a lot of my own issues and I had somewhat crummy parents too. So at some point we have to own our own stuff and not put it on anyone else/try to take on anyone else's. If my ex wanted to meet me halfway, and if yours wanted to meet you halfway, then I would say okay let's lean on each other and support each other through each other's crap. But you shouldn't carry his whole burden. I can't carry my exes, and he told me flat out he didn't want my help with it anyway.

At the end of the day, I'm kind of over worrying about him, because he is a grown adult and he had ample opportunities to make better choices but in the end he chose to push me away and self destruct. Luckily, it's not my stress or problem right now.

Hawkeye13

So how does continuing to be his emotional punching bag actually help him?

Lots of us had crappy childhoods, but that doesn't mean we get a free pass
to lash out unfairly at those who love us and are trying to be supportive.

I agree with Priscilla that NarAnon / AlAnon would be helpful in giving
you insight about why you allow this kind of treatment.
You are a loving person and certainly deserve better.

ladyscribbler

It really sounds like there are underlying issues totally unrelated to his addiction.
Does he have any type of mental illness/personality disorder diagnosis?

BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder

I also agree that seeking support for yourself is paramount right now. Since he is probably going to try to reel you back in at some point (according to your pattern), use this time and space to examine why you feel that someone who treats you so poorly is your "soul mate."
I was the same way. I believed that my ex and I were meant to be together and that he was the love of my life. But it wasn't really love, more of a pathological attachment to him resulting from my own issues, which Alanon and therapy are helping me sort out. Real love is not hurtful, manipulative or toxic.
This is another good thread that might help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, and why it's so hard to let go of these people we know are bad for us.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

ShootingStar1

We learn, ruefully, that we cannot save someone else from themselves. They have to want to change and choose it for themselves.

One of the hardest lessons is that staying with someone because we believe in who they were and who they have the potential to be, is not real. It is our own mind trip.

People are who they show themselves to be. They have the right to live anyway they want to, even if it is unhealthy and despairing in our eyes. We truly cannot take away someone else's independence of thought and being by wishing them into someone we like better.

Time to focus on you, who you are and who you want to be. That is the gift of the new year.

ShootingStar1

Priscilla84

People are who they show themselves to be, but it gets frustrating and heartbreaking when they show those two different sides. It's not necessarily our fault for clinging to the image of the great person we thought they were. We were taking them at face value when they presented that to us. Unfortunately, when it comes to love relationships, smoke gets in our eyes, as they say. And you know what? If it didn't then probably no one would couple up and have relationships. We can't cast everyone aside as soon as we see a flaw or get scared. I don't know what your situation was, but I assume things were good for awhile and by the time you realized he had a serious problem you were in love and wanted to stand by him. That's understandable. And it would be okay if he were showing some real effort to improve himself. In my case the guy was clean for 8 years when we met. Was I supposed to reject him for mistakes he made that long ago that he had since worked to overcome. I didn't think so. I've made mistakes too. That being said, I'd think twice before taking this particular risk again. But you don't know unless you try, and I suppose I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things I haven't done.

As for the person they really are, well, in the case of my AXBF, I think the wonderful person he showed me is the person he WANTS to be, the person he wishes he was. I *think* he was making an honest attempt to be that guy and live the straight and clean life. He still says he admires me, and I believe it. I think he wishes he fit in in my world. But I think he feels more confortable hanging out with criminals and spending all his time drunk and high. Even in his current active addiction he says he hates who he is and he hates that this is where he feels comfortable, and I believe that too.

So on one end you have the person they wish they were, and you see that in the loving moments. At the other end you have their comfort zone, and you see them slide back into that when they relapse or seem to give up on treatment. The real person I think is somewhere in between. They are made up of all these qualities, good and bad, and they are bouncing back and forth in the middle trying to find out who they really are. Most of us aren't all good or all bad. It doesn't mean the good person you saw in him was fake or purposely deceiving you or using you. In active addiction maybe there was some deceit, I don't know. I was never with my ex while he was active.

Or maybe I'm giving him too much credit and he can f*ck off.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm having a little trouble with the holiday and missing him today. I never did the yo yo relationship with him that you are experiencing. Once he relapsed he ended us. I do think you need to set a firm boundary that you will not do the back and forth, break up make up thing anymore. But I know it's hard. I know anything any of us say may help for a minute or two, but in the end you have to do things your way.

Nicole7171

Thank you everyone for the sound advice! Unfortunately I can't reply at the moment in the way I would like to as I need to run into work. Thankfully I have my holiday ahead with both sides of my family who are a great support and will be a good distraction. I will celebrate the holidays with them and reflect and will update and respond better after the holiday. Wishing everyone a great holiday and thank you immensely for the kind and wise words!

Bekindalways

Nicole, I hope your Christmas was as merry as possible given your circumstances.

I so went through this >>>>" I am trying to let go. Hour by hour at this point is the best I can do."

Using the AA technique of "putting together sober days" can work for those trying to detach from an addict. We "put together days of no contact". I counted days and my goal every day was not to contact him and not to shoot myself. It was a very rough time.

Peace and courage to you my friend.

Fior

Hey Nicole...
I'm going through something incredibly similar right now too. Listen to everyone here. They're right. Take care of you, and you first.

It's not going to be easy, though. And that's ok. Sometimes we all have to do hard things. Maybe it helps to know that there are other people out there doing the same hard thing you are (Me ! Me! I'm doing it too! It totally sucks!)

Lots of love, light, and hugs.

waitingforhope

You said this relationship has been difficult for 8 years and that there's really no realistic chance of a solid future together. Examine that statement and the rest of what you wrote and ask yourself why you love this person. That's what it took for me to divorce my husband. I had to ask myself the question I was afraid to......... what was there to still love in this person? There wasn't any logical thing I could come up with that he was doing for our relationship that warranted me continuing to "love" him. That's when I really realized I was a co-dependent, not a woman who actually loved her husband anymore based on who he was. I needed someone to fix, that plain and simple once I explored it. It was a choice I had to make to do something about why I needed that even though it was making me miserable or I could continue to remain in a relationship that wasn't working for anyone. The man behind the addiction is gone as long as he's an addict unwilling to get treatment and stay sober for good. He simply can not be that person now you once knew. I know that's difficult to accept but we must if we are to move on to work on ourselves. I'm sorry this is happening.

AnvilheadII

just wish that he could have been the person that I know and love who is underneath his addiction,

you are "in love" with what you THINK he could be, not who he IS. his family has not abandoned him, they probably just got fed up with the abuse. if he is "alone" then that is because his horrid behavior and actions have pushed others away.....but i sincerely doubt he is "alone" - addicts are amazingly resourceful. he's just checking to see if he can get you to respond and race in to the rescue.

8 years of this crap is enough, eh?