Does anyone.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 2,984
I used to all the time with AXH. Of course then I'd drink and the anger
anger took over.
Now that I'm sober I try to step back and think first. I don't have
contact with X but I do with A son. Right now I have a huge issue
with him over money owed to me. I pray a lot! With an active alcoholic
I don't think there is any approach that will work.
I try not to over analyze situations with "normal" people.
anger took over.
Now that I'm sober I try to step back and think first. I don't have
contact with X but I do with A son. Right now I have a huge issue
with him over money owed to me. I pray a lot! With an active alcoholic
I don't think there is any approach that will work.
I try not to over analyze situations with "normal" people.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yes, all the time. I'd have fake conversations in my head about everything when I needed to address my XAH. I was able to see about 20 different variations of where he would take the conversation and I'd decide which way I was going to go with the conversation before I even brought it up.
You know what's funny? All that mental energy I expended didn't help me. Because, invariably, he would find the 21st different variation and I'd be left stumbling over my words and wondering, "Well, s*it, NOW what do I say?"
So, I stopped doing that. Not that I don't think before I speak at times, but I definitely don't try to avoid upsetting someone anymore. If they get upset and my intentions weren't to hurt them, then they can be responsible for their feelings or reactions afterwards. You don't have to do this with emotionally mature people. With addicts, alcoholics, and other emotionally stunted people (as I was for so long I can relate) sometimes it's easiest to just come up with a better way of saying things: sugarcoating it, sidestepping the real issue, etc but really all that does is hurt ourselves because we're not being honest with us.
You know what's funny? All that mental energy I expended didn't help me. Because, invariably, he would find the 21st different variation and I'd be left stumbling over my words and wondering, "Well, s*it, NOW what do I say?"
So, I stopped doing that. Not that I don't think before I speak at times, but I definitely don't try to avoid upsetting someone anymore. If they get upset and my intentions weren't to hurt them, then they can be responsible for their feelings or reactions afterwards. You don't have to do this with emotionally mature people. With addicts, alcoholics, and other emotionally stunted people (as I was for so long I can relate) sometimes it's easiest to just come up with a better way of saying things: sugarcoating it, sidestepping the real issue, etc but really all that does is hurt ourselves because we're not being honest with us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 60
I've found that addicts always get upset if they don't get 100% compliance. They also use your own kindness against you. So the best way to say something for me is to use "I" statements. The addict is already so focused on themselves, they need to know there is someone else - THE ONE TALKING TO THEM. They might not hear it, but at least you can say you were entirely clear. I say what I need is....what I feel is ... otherwise, the addicts in my life twist what I say around. I'm already perpetually confused by their bizarre behavior, I don't need to go on another ride.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by lizatola 
Yes, all the time. I'd have fake conversations in my head about everything when I needed to address my XAH. I was able to see about 20 different variations of where he would take the conversation and I'd decide which way I was going to go with the conversation before I even brought it up.
You know what's funny? All that mental energy I expended didn't help me. Because, invariably, he would find the 21st different variation and I'd be left stumbling over my words and wondering, "Well, s*it, NOW what do I say?"
So, I stopped doing that. Not that I don't think before I speak at times, but I definitely don't try to avoid upsetting someone anymore. If they get upset and my intentions weren't to hurt them, then they can be responsible for their feelings or reactions afterwards. You don't have to do this with emotionally mature people. With addicts, alcoholics, and other emotionally stunted people (as I was for so long I can relate) sometimes it's easiest to just come up with a better way of saying things: sugarcoating it, sidestepping the real issue, etc but really all that does is hurt ourselves because we're not being honest with us.
You know what's funny? All that mental energy I expended didn't help me. Because, invariably, he would find the 21st different variation and I'd be left stumbling over my words and wondering, "Well, s*it, NOW what do I say?"
So, I stopped doing that. Not that I don't think before I speak at times, but I definitely don't try to avoid upsetting someone anymore. If they get upset and my intentions weren't to hurt them, then they can be responsible for their feelings or reactions afterwards. You don't have to do this with emotionally mature people. With addicts, alcoholics, and other emotionally stunted people (as I was for so long I can relate) sometimes it's easiest to just come up with a better way of saying things: sugarcoating it, sidestepping the real issue, etc but really all that does is hurt ourselves because we're not being honest with us.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Funny....yesterday AH came over to visit DD while DS and I were at therapy. My father told me that AH had asked him if DD had eaten dinner yet. My dad's reply was "yes, after I helped her with her homework".
When I returned home my father relayed the conversation to me and then said "I hope he didn't think I was throwing a subliminal jab by letting him know that I helped her with her homework and not him". I said "look at you, you sound like me, always concerned with how he's going to take something you said". AH is known to take everything personally, makes me not even want to express myself, its a shame that I have bitten my tongue and/or suppressed a lot of thoughts and feelings. That has been my life for the past few years....double and triple thinking things before I say or do them and I still end something to upset him anyway. I've never had this issue with anyone else in my life!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!
When I returned home my father relayed the conversation to me and then said "I hope he didn't think I was throwing a subliminal jab by letting him know that I helped her with her homework and not him". I said "look at you, you sound like me, always concerned with how he's going to take something you said". AH is known to take everything personally, makes me not even want to express myself, its a shame that I have bitten my tongue and/or suppressed a lot of thoughts and feelings. That has been my life for the past few years....double and triple thinking things before I say or do them and I still end something to upset him anyway. I've never had this issue with anyone else in my life!!! UNBELIEVABLE!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I was most definitely this way while I was drinking and deep on codependence sometimes-but I saw over time that what my then husband was doing was lying all the time to me and I was not believing it-and he started lashing out more and more-nothing to do with me. He was just caught and I knew it so he got posses telling me that he couldn't be honest with me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
Ever find themselves trying to figure out how to word something they want to say so the other person doesn't get upset?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
For me it was a sign of my codependence....I did it with everyone not just my problem drinker.
The phrase that I learned from Alanon "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean," was my daily mantra for years.
If I do my part with that saying, the other person's reaction is not on me (previously I thought I had control over how someone would react, and if I could just find the perfect words it would all come out okay). That was another thing the Three Cs helped me with. I did not cause, could not control and could not cure another person's reaction.
I did this with EVERYONE. I worked on some other relationships with doing it differently first before I brought it into my marriage (the problem drinking relationship). For me it was like weight lifting.....the more often I spoke my truth the less likely I was to take it on. It was like building a muscle.
I am far from perfect with this now, but it is much better.
The phrase that I learned from Alanon "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean," was my daily mantra for years.
If I do my part with that saying, the other person's reaction is not on me (previously I thought I had control over how someone would react, and if I could just find the perfect words it would all come out okay). That was another thing the Three Cs helped me with. I did not cause, could not control and could not cure another person's reaction.
I did this with EVERYONE. I worked on some other relationships with doing it differently first before I brought it into my marriage (the problem drinking relationship). For me it was like weight lifting.....the more often I spoke my truth the less likely I was to take it on. It was like building a muscle.
I am far from perfect with this now, but it is much better.
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