Husband Making Amends...Just started program
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Husband Making Amends...Just started program
Hi All,
My husband was arrested for his third DUI last Monday night (or Tuesday morning really, 3am). His first two were about ten years before we were together, but his drinking has been a very sensitive subject throughout our marriage. When I first met him, I was young (22) and still going out and partying, so I didn't realize how much he drank until after we settled down/got engaged/got married. He would drink to the point (on a daily basis) that he would make himself so sick (up puking, cold showers, sweating, passing out on the living room floor, etc). He was never belligerent, mean, or anything close to that. But clearly was unable to stop at just one beer. Whenever I would try to talk to him about his drinking, it instantly became a fight and I was left apologizing for being the nagging wife, which was hurtful. I remember when I was pregnant with our first daughter, right around my due date, crying because he wouldn't be able to take me to the hospital when I went into labor with the way he drank.
About a year ago, my husband was laid off from his job of five years (retail management). He bounced back quickly, and was able to get a management position with a nightlife company working for his old boss. When he told me he was going to start working at night in bars/clubs again, I told him that my only condition was that he did not drink on the job. It was a promise that was made and quickly broken. He tried justifying it by saying "just one beer at the end of the night" but a few times he slipped and told me the truth about how much he was really drinking (hard alcohol, beer after beer, you get the picture). Mind you, he's drinking a few beers before he even leaves for work, then drinking like this throughout his night at work (9pm-2 or 3am) then DRIVING HOME. Every time he was (accidentally) honest with me, and I tried talking to him about the drinking it would blow up into another fight that left me apologizing for being to hard on him.
When I picked him up from jail last Tuesday, he told me that being in jail again made him realize that he doesn't want to lose his family, doesn't want to lost his daughters and wife. He's been going to AA every day since then (he's a whole week sober now!). Every time he goes to AA, it seems like he's more honest about saying he's an alcoholic and although it's only been a few days, he's found a sponsor and seems to want to continue working the program.
I'm proud of him for finally admitting that he has a problem with alcohol and for taking the first steps to make a change for the better.
My issue is that on Saturday while I was at work, he had lunch with an ex-girlfriend (not any ex-girlfriend, the "first love"). She had recently contacted him on Instagram bombarding him with messages about how she still thinks about him and please call her and blah blah. So he goes and has lunch with her on Saturday while I'm working and doesn't tell me.
He does it behind my back.
The only reason I found out was because - iphone users will udnerstand this - I often hit the "details" button on our text threads so that I can look at all of the pictures we send each other of our baby and funny things we see during the day. Before the pictures, it shows his location (as it shows my location on his phone). I hardly ever pay attention to this, because there's never anything worth paying attention to. However, on Saturday I see that he's at a pub that's about twenty miles from where we live.
When I text him asking where he is, I get no response. I text again, no response. An hour goes by. I call. I'm upset. I asking what he's doing in a pub. I ask him who he's with. He tells me he met the ex-girlfriend because he felt like he needed to make amends with her. He says he couldn't tell me because he knew it would make me upset.
I'm a wreck. I'm hysterical. It doesn't help that I'm 32 weeks pregnant with baby number two. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. He insists that it was just lunch, she drank and he didn't. It was to make amends and close the door.
But...Forgive me but I worked the program for cocaine back when I was 19 (sober ever since!)... MAKING AMENDS IS STEP NINE. HE'S NOT EVEN THERE YET.
More importantly, step nine is making amends"except when to do so would injure them or others."
If he felt like I would be hurt and upset by meeting with this women, then went ahead and did it behind my back anyway, he's certainly and deliberately doing something that would bring his wife pain.
I've tried to explain to him that it's not the making amends that hurts, it's the lie. It's that this woman is clearly still trying to persue him, I've asked him to block her from social media and delete her messages, and yet he unblocked her, reached out to her AND HAD LUNCH WITH HER AT A PUB. When I confronted him about this again last night, the only apology I got was that he's sorry that I can't understand that there are people he will need to make amends to that I may not like. He can't understand that this was incredibly hurtful, incredibly deceitful.
He maintains that nothing happened, which is probably true because I watched his location and he didn't leave the pub until we spoke on the phone.
But the lie hurts. I understand making amends. But I also understand boundaries. I understand respecting my partner. I told him that if he really felt that the only way to make amends with this woman was to do so in person, that he should have been honest with me from the beginning. But he can't even apologize for that much.
I'm so hurt.
I want to be supportive of his recovery, and not add on any extra stresses while he's trying to work the program. But I'm so stuck on this secret meeting with the ex. I'm having a hard time not being upset by every little thing. I'm having a hard time not being suspicious of him every time he leaves the house. I'm having a hard time looking at him, to be honest.
He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. That I can't understand what's happened in his life to bring him to this point, and that this woman was a big part of that.
I keep telling him that I know that no one else can understand his experience, not even me. But that it's so hurtful that he can't see that what he did was wrong by his wife.
I'm so stuck. I feel like the wife that nags about drinking again, except now I'm nagging about recovery. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. We have a baby on the way in just a few weeks and a toddler at home. What do I do? I'm so lost. I'm so hurt. Sorry this is so lengthy.
My husband was arrested for his third DUI last Monday night (or Tuesday morning really, 3am). His first two were about ten years before we were together, but his drinking has been a very sensitive subject throughout our marriage. When I first met him, I was young (22) and still going out and partying, so I didn't realize how much he drank until after we settled down/got engaged/got married. He would drink to the point (on a daily basis) that he would make himself so sick (up puking, cold showers, sweating, passing out on the living room floor, etc). He was never belligerent, mean, or anything close to that. But clearly was unable to stop at just one beer. Whenever I would try to talk to him about his drinking, it instantly became a fight and I was left apologizing for being the nagging wife, which was hurtful. I remember when I was pregnant with our first daughter, right around my due date, crying because he wouldn't be able to take me to the hospital when I went into labor with the way he drank.
About a year ago, my husband was laid off from his job of five years (retail management). He bounced back quickly, and was able to get a management position with a nightlife company working for his old boss. When he told me he was going to start working at night in bars/clubs again, I told him that my only condition was that he did not drink on the job. It was a promise that was made and quickly broken. He tried justifying it by saying "just one beer at the end of the night" but a few times he slipped and told me the truth about how much he was really drinking (hard alcohol, beer after beer, you get the picture). Mind you, he's drinking a few beers before he even leaves for work, then drinking like this throughout his night at work (9pm-2 or 3am) then DRIVING HOME. Every time he was (accidentally) honest with me, and I tried talking to him about the drinking it would blow up into another fight that left me apologizing for being to hard on him.
When I picked him up from jail last Tuesday, he told me that being in jail again made him realize that he doesn't want to lose his family, doesn't want to lost his daughters and wife. He's been going to AA every day since then (he's a whole week sober now!). Every time he goes to AA, it seems like he's more honest about saying he's an alcoholic and although it's only been a few days, he's found a sponsor and seems to want to continue working the program.
I'm proud of him for finally admitting that he has a problem with alcohol and for taking the first steps to make a change for the better.
My issue is that on Saturday while I was at work, he had lunch with an ex-girlfriend (not any ex-girlfriend, the "first love"). She had recently contacted him on Instagram bombarding him with messages about how she still thinks about him and please call her and blah blah. So he goes and has lunch with her on Saturday while I'm working and doesn't tell me.
He does it behind my back.
The only reason I found out was because - iphone users will udnerstand this - I often hit the "details" button on our text threads so that I can look at all of the pictures we send each other of our baby and funny things we see during the day. Before the pictures, it shows his location (as it shows my location on his phone). I hardly ever pay attention to this, because there's never anything worth paying attention to. However, on Saturday I see that he's at a pub that's about twenty miles from where we live.
When I text him asking where he is, I get no response. I text again, no response. An hour goes by. I call. I'm upset. I asking what he's doing in a pub. I ask him who he's with. He tells me he met the ex-girlfriend because he felt like he needed to make amends with her. He says he couldn't tell me because he knew it would make me upset.
I'm a wreck. I'm hysterical. It doesn't help that I'm 32 weeks pregnant with baby number two. I feel so betrayed. So lied to. He insists that it was just lunch, she drank and he didn't. It was to make amends and close the door.
But...Forgive me but I worked the program for cocaine back when I was 19 (sober ever since!)... MAKING AMENDS IS STEP NINE. HE'S NOT EVEN THERE YET.
More importantly, step nine is making amends"except when to do so would injure them or others."
If he felt like I would be hurt and upset by meeting with this women, then went ahead and did it behind my back anyway, he's certainly and deliberately doing something that would bring his wife pain.
I've tried to explain to him that it's not the making amends that hurts, it's the lie. It's that this woman is clearly still trying to persue him, I've asked him to block her from social media and delete her messages, and yet he unblocked her, reached out to her AND HAD LUNCH WITH HER AT A PUB. When I confronted him about this again last night, the only apology I got was that he's sorry that I can't understand that there are people he will need to make amends to that I may not like. He can't understand that this was incredibly hurtful, incredibly deceitful.
He maintains that nothing happened, which is probably true because I watched his location and he didn't leave the pub until we spoke on the phone.
But the lie hurts. I understand making amends. But I also understand boundaries. I understand respecting my partner. I told him that if he really felt that the only way to make amends with this woman was to do so in person, that he should have been honest with me from the beginning. But he can't even apologize for that much.
I'm so hurt.
I want to be supportive of his recovery, and not add on any extra stresses while he's trying to work the program. But I'm so stuck on this secret meeting with the ex. I'm having a hard time not being upset by every little thing. I'm having a hard time not being suspicious of him every time he leaves the house. I'm having a hard time looking at him, to be honest.
He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. That I can't understand what's happened in his life to bring him to this point, and that this woman was a big part of that.
I keep telling him that I know that no one else can understand his experience, not even me. But that it's so hurtful that he can't see that what he did was wrong by his wife.
I'm so stuck. I feel like the wife that nags about drinking again, except now I'm nagging about recovery. I don't know what to do. I can't stop crying. We have a baby on the way in just a few weeks and a toddler at home. What do I do? I'm so lost. I'm so hurt. Sorry this is so lengthy.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, there are two possibilities. One is that, being fairly new to AA, he doesn't grasp the concept of an amends. You clearly do--and you're absolutely right. Any sponsor worth his salt would tell him this isn't what it is.
The other possibility is that he's BS-ing about the amends and (giving him every benefit of the doubt--which he might not deserve) at the very least feeding his ego by meeting up with the old flame.
I understand how you feel, and I'd probably feel the same way. Still, you expressed your feelings to him. Guess only time will tell where this heads.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start.
Oh, and I forgot to say--congrats on your own clean and sober time! That's awesome--can you imagine how much worse this would be if you were still using?
The other possibility is that he's BS-ing about the amends and (giving him every benefit of the doubt--which he might not deserve) at the very least feeding his ego by meeting up with the old flame.
I understand how you feel, and I'd probably feel the same way. Still, you expressed your feelings to him. Guess only time will tell where this heads.
Are you going to Al-Anon? If not, this would be a great time to start.
Oh, and I forgot to say--congrats on your own clean and sober time! That's awesome--can you imagine how much worse this would be if you were still using?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. That I can't understand what's happened in his life to bring him to this point, and that this woman was a big part of that.
seriously dude? after going to jail for his THIRD DUI, after his very pregnant wife doesn't just kick his ass to the curb, after he claims to have seen the light, and it's off to AA and a "amends" making lunch.....in a pub......with an EX girlfriend BEFORE his own wife, and then he DARES to say YOU are being selfish????
douche.
there's not a thing you can DO about his meeting up with said Ex. and not a thing you can do about the fact he did so covertly. to the best of your ability you must focus on getting good rest, good nutrition and getting the nest ready for the new baby. regardless of what HE does. a lot more will be revealed in the near future - keep your eyes open, watch his ACTIONS, like the tv with the sound down. right now is probably not super feasible to get off to many Alanon meetings, but they would sure be a great source of support.
seriously dude? after going to jail for his THIRD DUI, after his very pregnant wife doesn't just kick his ass to the curb, after he claims to have seen the light, and it's off to AA and a "amends" making lunch.....in a pub......with an EX girlfriend BEFORE his own wife, and then he DARES to say YOU are being selfish????
douche.
there's not a thing you can DO about his meeting up with said Ex. and not a thing you can do about the fact he did so covertly. to the best of your ability you must focus on getting good rest, good nutrition and getting the nest ready for the new baby. regardless of what HE does. a lot more will be revealed in the near future - keep your eyes open, watch his ACTIONS, like the tv with the sound down. right now is probably not super feasible to get off to many Alanon meetings, but they would sure be a great source of support.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
I've been looking for an Al-Anon meeting near my office...hoping I can find something today or tomorrow. I have all of these feelings about whats going on building up inside of me and I feel like I'm going to explode. I know a lot of it is hormones. I started writing my husband a letter about all of this...the meeting with the ex...the way it makes me feel...the hurt. But I can't bring myself to give it to him. I don't know if it would just be white noise, or worse, the cause for another fight. He has always been - drinking aside - a good man. A good communicator. We've never had secrets. We don't have locks on our phones or computers. We've built this relationship based on honesty and trust. I feel so blindsided.
I want to ask him to talk to his sponsor about all of this, but I also don't want too push to hard during these first days of sobriety.
I want to ask him to talk to his sponsor about all of this, but I also don't want too push to hard during these first days of sobriety.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd skip the letter--giving it to him, anyway. It might be therapeutic to write it, and might help you process your feelings, but it probably won't have the effect you hope it will have.
And I think it's smart to realize that some of what you're feeling may be magnified by your hormones. Look, it might just be a super-dumb thing that he did, not really thinking about how much of a betrayal it might feel to you. If he's given you no cause to doubt his fidelity up to now, then that might be all it is.
As we like to say, more will be revealed. If he's a decent (albeit clueless) guy whose thinking is also a bit addled from drinking, there might be nothing more to it. You have good reason to be upset and disappointed, but don't future-trip. It won't help, and it's likely to make you feel worse.
And I think it's smart to realize that some of what you're feeling may be magnified by your hormones. Look, it might just be a super-dumb thing that he did, not really thinking about how much of a betrayal it might feel to you. If he's given you no cause to doubt his fidelity up to now, then that might be all it is.
As we like to say, more will be revealed. If he's a decent (albeit clueless) guy whose thinking is also a bit addled from drinking, there might be nothing more to it. You have good reason to be upset and disappointed, but don't future-trip. It won't help, and it's likely to make you feel worse.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
im a recovering alcoholic and in the fellowship.
tell your hubby from me acting as his sponsor:
your eyes may sparkle and your teeth may glitter
but ya cant ******** and old bullshitter
and hes talkin bs.
"He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. "
tell him me as his sponsor says he can go ahead and blame his wife, but good luck getting her,me, or anyone else to believe his recovery is dependant on her support. hes gonna have to take responsability and accountability for his recovery and his life and if he doesnt stop playin the blame game and lookin for sympathy. hes the one that got him into his position. no one poured the alcohol down his throat but him. hes gotta do the work.
and for you-quit enabling him.
i hadda good friend in aa who had no clue how his sponsor knew all the bs he was playing at home. after years sober at dinner with his wife and his sponsor and his wife, his wife said," i was callin your sponsor every day tellin him the bs you were tryin to pull.
saved his life, gave him a loving,lasting marraige,too.
tell your hubby from me acting as his sponsor:
your eyes may sparkle and your teeth may glitter
but ya cant ******** and old bullshitter
and hes talkin bs.
"He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. "
tell him me as his sponsor says he can go ahead and blame his wife, but good luck getting her,me, or anyone else to believe his recovery is dependant on her support. hes gonna have to take responsability and accountability for his recovery and his life and if he doesnt stop playin the blame game and lookin for sympathy. hes the one that got him into his position. no one poured the alcohol down his throat but him. hes gotta do the work.
and for you-quit enabling him.
i hadda good friend in aa who had no clue how his sponsor knew all the bs he was playing at home. after years sober at dinner with his wife and his sponsor and his wife, his wife said," i was callin your sponsor every day tellin him the bs you were tryin to pull.
saved his life, gave him a loving,lasting marraige,too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
im a recovering alcoholic and in the fellowship.
tell your hubby from me acting as his sponsor:
tell your hubby from me acting as his sponsor:
This wouldn't be the time for you to be acting as his sponsor's (even his imaginary sponsor's) mouthpiece.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by tomsteve
im a recovering alcoholic and in the fellowship.
tell your hubby from me acting as his sponsor:
your eyes may sparkle and your teeth may glitter
but ya cant ******** and old bullshitter
and hes talkin bs.
"He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. "
tell him me as his sponsor says he can go ahead and blame his wife, but good luck getting her,me, or anyone else to believe his recovery is dependant on her support. hes gonna have to take responsability and accountability for his recovery and his life and if he doesnt stop playin the blame game and lookin for sympathy. hes the one that got him into his position. no one poured the alcohol down his throat but him. hes gotta do the work.
and for you-quit enabling him.
i hadda good friend in aa who had no clue how his sponsor knew all the bs he was playing at home. after years sober at dinner with his wife and his sponsor and his wife, his wife said," i was callin your sponsor every day tellin him the bs you were tryin to pull.
saved his life, gave him a loving,lasting marraige,too.
tell your hubby from me acting as his sponsor:
your eyes may sparkle and your teeth may glitter
but ya cant ******** and old bullshitter
and hes talkin bs.
"He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. "
tell him me as his sponsor says he can go ahead and blame his wife, but good luck getting her,me, or anyone else to believe his recovery is dependant on her support. hes gonna have to take responsability and accountability for his recovery and his life and if he doesnt stop playin the blame game and lookin for sympathy. hes the one that got him into his position. no one poured the alcohol down his throat but him. hes gotta do the work.
and for you-quit enabling him.
i hadda good friend in aa who had no clue how his sponsor knew all the bs he was playing at home. after years sober at dinner with his wife and his sponsor and his wife, his wife said," i was callin your sponsor every day tellin him the bs you were tryin to pull.
saved his life, gave him a loving,lasting marraige,too.
Your friend's wife really called his sponsor? Is that something that's normal? Or is that an overbearing wife thing to do? I feel like that would be a really fast way to make the situation worse, as tempting as that option sounds to this crazy pregnant woman.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
The only circumstance in which I'd call my husband's sponsor would be if he relapsed or was on the verge of it. Just to let him know what's up. The ONLY circumstance. Otherwise, I think it's WAY out of line.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I just have to say from personal experience that he's most likely full of BS. Maybe he's not but only time will tell his true motives-but I think his actions right now are showing you enough. Just my two cents.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
A question here - if he had told you what would you have said? Would you have a greed for him to go and see her?
On the BS meter this hits a 10. Someone who is already in deep doo doing something that will get them in even deeper doo, covertly at that, is not a good sign.
Blame shifting to you and passive aggressive explanations, deflection, and all is pretty laughable. Your husband has put the stressors of a DUI with an impending birth on the horizon, and decides NOW that he MUST meet his FIRST love and make amends????? This is crazy talk. " It was to make amends and close the door". What door???? What??? He is married with a kid and one on the way, the door is shut. You say this is his first love exactly how long ago are we talking? its got to be years.
"He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. That I can't understand what's happened in his life to bring him to this point, and that this woman was a big part of that". How so? I mean was she a big part of him turning into an alcoholic? Was she a part of his 3rd DUI? How is it you are married to him and YOU don't understand what has happened in his life to bring him to this point, but she does?
This is just. all. wrong. If it were me in this situation I would stop communications about this and try and clear my head about how to progress from it. Maybe it was just a one time meeting, maybe with his tail in hot water he was looking for a diversion. "I'm sorry I should have told you. Made a mistake" would be a much easier pill to swallow than making a feeble attempt at justifying based on his recovery and an amends process he hasn't gotten to.
On the BS meter this hits a 10. Someone who is already in deep doo doing something that will get them in even deeper doo, covertly at that, is not a good sign.
Blame shifting to you and passive aggressive explanations, deflection, and all is pretty laughable. Your husband has put the stressors of a DUI with an impending birth on the horizon, and decides NOW that he MUST meet his FIRST love and make amends????? This is crazy talk. " It was to make amends and close the door". What door???? What??? He is married with a kid and one on the way, the door is shut. You say this is his first love exactly how long ago are we talking? its got to be years.
"He told me that I'm being selfish by not supporting what he needs to have a successful recovery. That I can't understand what's happened in his life to bring him to this point, and that this woman was a big part of that". How so? I mean was she a big part of him turning into an alcoholic? Was she a part of his 3rd DUI? How is it you are married to him and YOU don't understand what has happened in his life to bring him to this point, but she does?
This is just. all. wrong. If it were me in this situation I would stop communications about this and try and clear my head about how to progress from it. Maybe it was just a one time meeting, maybe with his tail in hot water he was looking for a diversion. "I'm sorry I should have told you. Made a mistake" would be a much easier pill to swallow than making a feeble attempt at justifying based on his recovery and an amends process he hasn't gotten to.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
I am NOT pregnant and I am PISSED reading your post Kwat!! Do not let pregnancy hormones be an excuse as to why you are upset. ANYONE would be upset, very upset.
Sounds to me as if you have a sneaky MF on your hands. He no doubt knew that his little lunch meeting would upset you and that is why he didn't tell you about it beforehand, no ifs and or buts. He didn't care! See it for what it is... He didn't care if his end term pregnancy wife got upset.. Sounds like a nice guy...jerk@@@!
You are in such a bad position, my heart hurts for you.
Time to work on yourself, take care of you, your toddler, your almost here little one and keep your eyes open.. More, no doubt will be revealed....
I'm sorry, that's all I have right now....I've been where you are, I understand! That's a story for another time....
Ro
Sounds to me as if you have a sneaky MF on your hands. He no doubt knew that his little lunch meeting would upset you and that is why he didn't tell you about it beforehand, no ifs and or buts. He didn't care! See it for what it is... He didn't care if his end term pregnancy wife got upset.. Sounds like a nice guy...jerk@@@!
You are in such a bad position, my heart hurts for you.
Time to work on yourself, take care of you, your toddler, your almost here little one and keep your eyes open.. More, no doubt will be revealed....
I'm sorry, that's all I have right now....I've been where you are, I understand! That's a story for another time....
Ro
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
I know exactly how you are feeling, I went through issues with my AH about his ex gf throughout our entire relationship. His excuse was she know him better than anyone and they grew up together. We have 2 children together and I tell you this, pregnant or not you're rightfully upset. There should be no open door once you are married....children on top of that. I don't want to jump to conclusions but here's something to think about-this only came up for discussion because you found out about it. What about the things that you don't know about? I would keep my eyes open, he is not to be trusted. Not locking your phone doesn't mean that he can't erase anything he doesn't want you to see. He may very well be telling the truth, this may be an isolated incident but it may also be an indicator of things to come or things that he may have already done. I'm sorry but it just sounds like bs to me.
You and that baby don't need this sort of stress at this moment and the fact that he's doing what he's doing at a time like this clearly indicates a lack of respect and his reasoning is just beyond belief. I'm so sorry that you're going through this...lots of prayers and strength to you. Be strong and don't let this man continue to disrespect and lie to you.
You and that baby don't need this sort of stress at this moment and the fact that he's doing what he's doing at a time like this clearly indicates a lack of respect and his reasoning is just beyond belief. I'm so sorry that you're going through this...lots of prayers and strength to you. Be strong and don't let this man continue to disrespect and lie to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
It's sad how alike these guys are. Seriously. His treatment of you stinks and is abusive-it's not going to get better unless he finds true recovery-otherwise he will continue blaming YOU for being upset at his abhorrent actions-I get it, truly, btdt. Please find some support for yourself. Peace to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Ridiculous! Making amends is Step Nine. In the first 90 days the vast majority of alcoholics read Steps one and two. He's using it as an excuse.
I'm not saying there's NOT something fishy going on, but I'm suggesting that it isn't necessarily the case. Chances are he DID do some crappy stuff to this woman, and maybe he really DID think he was doing what he was supposed to do.
I just kind of think with someone so new, it isn't completely off the wall to think it was an ill-advised attempt to do what he thought he was supposed to do.
I barely knew which was was up at two weeks sober.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Originally Posted by kwatabum
Your friend's wife really called his sponsor? Is that something that's normal? Or is that an overbearing wife thing to do? I feel like that would be a really fast way to make the situation worse, as tempting as that option sounds to this crazy pregnant woman.
It is absolutely not normal. For me doing that, it came from a place of control, manipulation and neediness.
I am so glad I found Al Anon back then. I was a sick puppy too.
I also used to check his big book for wear and tear and to see if he had underlined new things (which would have been proof he was reading it). I also read his fourth step work book. If they had had GPS tracking back then, I would definitely have used his phone to monitor his movement and make sure he was where he was supposed to be at, when he was supposed to be at.
I am caught between cringing and laughing when I think back on it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Kwatabum-
I am so sorry that you are faced with all these challenges.
I too was in a similar spot a number of years ago (minus the pregnancy). As time has gone by I have realized something for myself and I want to ask you the same.
You are appropriately upset about this meeting he had, but to me you are having a response to this, and not to the elephant in the room, his long history of alcohol use.
How are you feeling about his continued alcohol use (until the last two weeks)?
My ex did have an affair, but it was his affair that FINALLY got me to realize that I had been ignoring his alcohol use for years.....and I was walking on eggshells around it the whole time. The affair was what broke the camel's back for me. I did respond appropriately about the affair, but I am just now five years later realizing how shut down I was for so long about his alcohol use.
Al-anon and recovery in general helped me to deal better with both of them.
I am so sorry that you are faced with all these challenges.
I too was in a similar spot a number of years ago (minus the pregnancy). As time has gone by I have realized something for myself and I want to ask you the same.
You are appropriately upset about this meeting he had, but to me you are having a response to this, and not to the elephant in the room, his long history of alcohol use.
How are you feeling about his continued alcohol use (until the last two weeks)?
My ex did have an affair, but it was his affair that FINALLY got me to realize that I had been ignoring his alcohol use for years.....and I was walking on eggshells around it the whole time. The affair was what broke the camel's back for me. I did respond appropriately about the affair, but I am just now five years later realizing how shut down I was for so long about his alcohol use.
Al-anon and recovery in general helped me to deal better with both of them.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Lexi, you make a good point. In very early recovery I thought I'd do all the steps just to get them over with (then my sponsor set me straight). But I also remember using it as an excuse to contact an old beau.
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