be81174

I have been in counselling for months and finally decided to leave my ABF. He's 2 week sober and promising to change but I have come to the conclusion that our 1 short year of constant up and downs has been too much on me to be willing to chance it. I am sure he will be sober for his "probation period" but I worry about the future and don't want a lifetime of what I have experienced in the past year.

So last night after my appointment with my psychologist, I told him I wanted separate living arrangements. The reaction was beyond gut wrenching. I have never before experienced someone so crushed. He cried. And sobbed. And pleaded. And tried to convince me that the past year of torment is proof that we need to stick with it ("after all we have been through....!!). And then he sobbed more. And sobbed my name. And begged. This went on until I was literally so emotionally wrecked that I was throwing up in the bathroom. Then he came to try and comfort me and cry some more. I couldn't even speak anymore. All I could do was lay and stare at the wall. Then he kept asking "where do we stand?" and saying he "needs a commitment" from me...and by then I was just dead and couldn't stand it anymore. I went to bed.

Today - he is fine. All "good morning baby", "how are you beautiful"...like everything is fine.

I ... am bothered by these behaviours. I am curious about other peoples experiences in these matters. I have never had someone react like this to a breakup. Is this typical of an alcoholic?

This is beyond just sadness and crying and upset, which I have experienced in breakups before. This is a new level that I feel unprepared for.

LexieCat

It's total denial on his part. You just told him you're leaving him, and he's begging you for a "commitment"?

The sooner you make this "separate living arrangement" happen, the better.

Hawkeye13

Yes--he thinks if he ignores it, or downplays it, somehow you will back off.

I would be moving or have him out ASAP

AnvilheadII

ever yank a toy away from a toddler? or try to take one grocery shopping and they pitch wall-eyed FITS if they can't have the cookies, cereal, candy, toy??? they live in a very small universe and believe not only that they ARE the center of that universe, but that they will forever be so and the other bigger people are simply there to do their bidding and meet their every need.

your "bf" is exhibiting the same type of reaction to being told he can't have something that he wants. tears, gut wrenching sobs, his world is OV-ER. you're about to take his binkie away...........

suki44883

Agree 100% with Anvil. It doesn't really have anything to do with his addiction, it is his selfishness and, as Anvil said, not getting what he wants. If you stick to your guns about living separately, don't be surprised if his incredible sorrow turns into incredible anger. Take care of yourself.

carolineno

Oh, I'm so sorry you went through this. I have gone through this scenario a couple of times, but I wasn't convinced I could survive financially on my own (even though I pretty much pay for most everything) so I stayed, only to have it happen again. I am leaving after the holidays if he does not.

Anyway, I suspect this is a kind of gas lighting. I know I felt crazy after one of this outrageous fights, to finally think, "ok at least it's over" and to kind of relax into that thought, and then have the smiles and sunshine routine appear, like it never happened. And I got those "I need" statements from him too. The first few times, I was so exhausted from the fight, I just gave in. I was shell shocked. Now there is no hope for us. I am solely focused on what I need and what my kids need. I wish I could have detached with love, but some partners make that impossible.

Any chance you can see your psychologist again, to help you strengthen your resolve? Glad you reached out to the forum.

atalose

My ex bounced from crying, begging to anger/rage when he couldn't stop me from leaving the relationship.

Whether or not it’s typical behavior or not doesn’t really matter – your sanity and safety is what does.

This is not by any means a healthy place for you to be no matter what he may say - love is NOT to feel DREAD or FEAR………..both of which you are probably experiencing.

You are not dealing with a rational person here, make a safe exit for yourself. Go stay with family or friends.

Yoga

Manipulation, wants what he wants.

Doesn't mean anything, some Gaslighting to keep you hooked.

I like the part about he needs a commitment,needy,nervy.

hopeful4

My X did the same. Then he turned quite nasty.

be81174

Yes - that's how I felt...exhausted and shell shocked. I just wanted to sleep. There was no "fight" and I wish at least there was!! It was just mental anguish on his part. Horrible! I can fight a fight but I can't fight the sobbing and tears, the begging for "this last chance".

I see some others concerned about the anger that may or may not come next. Yes - I see where you are coming from. The level of his emotional reaction is disproportionate and I wondered too if the tides would turn to anger. I'm not getting that vibe though - and I am very attuned to that. I think he sticks with the emotional manipulation...

dandylion

be.....one must disregard the tears, etc. Not because you are a mean person...lacking in empathy......BUT, because you KNOW that there is no basis for a healthy, mature, nurturing relationship with this guy.

You are doing the best thing for the both of you. He may not realize that, of course, but that doesn't change anything.....doesn't change the baseline....does it?

If you settle out of "guilt" or because of pressure from him.....there will be a day when you will resent him and hate yourself for doing it.

There are times in life when the right thing is also the hardest thing.
You have to be the one to make the adult decision.......

If he ever gets sober and deals with his own issues....it will have to be because he realizes he has to do it for himself.....

Breakups are not any fun........no matter what.....

dandylion

suki44883

Just because he cried and carried on doesn't change the last year, does it? You were ready to separate because of all the upheaval of the past year. If you don't do what you know is the right thing to do now, chances are excellent that you will be at this very same point again in the not too distant future. Nothing has changed.

be81174

I just sat him down and told him I think he needs to talk to his counsellor about his reaction. I don't think it's normal. I hope he will do it.

I also told him that I don't appreciate the "emotional blackmail" the extreme emotional reaction causes. It's disproportionate. I realize breaking up is hard but this is extreme!

dandylion

be.....of course, counseling wouldn't hurt anyone who is going through a hard time or who is having issues in their life.
I don't think we get to say what is the "right amount" of pain or emotional reaction another person gets to have......what a person feels is what a person feels......
On the other hand....we do get to put boundaries on how we will react to their reaction........ (and, they are not entitled to interfere with our rights....no abuse, etc., either).

I'm just saying......

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

That's typical alcoholic thinking. The past year is proof he's an alcoholic! It sounds like you're more out the door than in so I would hold firm. Alcoholics always cling like hell to their enablers.

honeypig

XAH has run the gamut of crying, claiming "I'm really sick, I need help" to cold-bloodedly twisting the knife to threats of abandonment (which he knows is a big emotional trigger for me) to actually asking if my request that he move out was "honeypig's will or God's will."

You know I could not make that up, right? That he would insinuate that it was God's will that he continue to live here, despite what I, his ex-wife, wanted?

firebolt

Wow - IMO - they are one in the same

BE - my ex lost it when I asked him to leave me alone - saying he'd quit, saying "lets get married!" saying "we can do this together" - umm - no - I'm not the one slamming a liter of vodka every day...lol

It was SO sad, and SO SO hard...


If you are done, you're done! It isn't fair to you OR him to stay if you don't want to. Best to you.

Praying

Wow, sounds so much like my past year. I came to the realization that this wasn't working--and first he exploded in anger...then came back to talk it out--when I held my ground that I needed space he got angry again--and has since sent me loving, encouraging, hopeful texts multiple times each day. If I didn't know better I'd believe that he's undergoing massive change right now. But I also think he must be in major denial about what's actually happening...and waiting for me to "get over it"...

What I do know is that only time will tell.

I also know that I was very honest during the past year, and it wasn't until I made him move out that he apparently took my words to heart. Before then he ignored them and refused to act. A friend told me yesterday that he probably didn't think I'd ever really leave him because we had talked about "forever"...for me, that made it worse. (I never threatened it.) If I have to leave for him to decide to act, then even if he succeeds, it isn't for me.

That sure makes me sad. But this ain't my first rodeo. When I met him he knew I wouldn't do addiction again, and lied about his own (because he didn't believe it and had "quit"). When he crashed I was already too involved with him and his kids and felt I had to see it through. But I can't tell you how free I feel now. Sad and guilty and free.

Do what you need for YOU, and know that it's right. Let the bad feelings wash over and leave you. You're in charge of your life, and time keeps ticking!

mylifeismine

A healthy intimate relationship requires trust, respect, and love. Not Hollywood bs, but the kind of love where you feel safe to talk about anything and you will be heard and who you are is valued and desired. You are free to grow with this person, and they are as well.

You will not have that with this person. Are you going to settle for a
miserable existence? The alcohol/drugs will always take center
stage and you will get scraps.

I wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. Getting ready to leave AH of 36 years. Sunami of emotions to say the least.