sourbaby1986

Alright everyone. Some of you are going to 100% relate and some of you wont.

I am 32 years old and I lost a decent amount of weight taking stimulants. I've always been absolutely obsessed with food and dieting, and stims eliminated it completely. Like literally the desire to binge eat or even eat much at all, really, was eliminated.

I have been clean since Saturday and I just ate like 6 cookies. I'm totally petrified of gaining weight. I am immediately compelled to count calories obsessively, to weigh myself, to start a diet - these are all the behaviors that got me into this mess in the first place. I have a long history of restricting and then binging/purging, so when I found appetite suppressing drugs I was finally relieved of my obsession.

I'm terrified of it coming back. I have been feeling like I've taken Step 1, but here's where it will all fall apart. It's like, I'm wiling to work the program as long as I'm skinny. My higher power is being skinny. I'd rather die than gain 20 pounds (literally). There is something wrong with that statement. I'm not willing to do any of this if I'm going to gain any weight.

I'm staying off the scale, but it's REALLY hard cause I'm home for Christmas and there is junk food everywhere. The gym makes me feel better for sure...but then aren't I still just a slave to the gym? Like, can I be a good weight and not be a slave?

I feel like I'm starting to lose my resolve...I would love to hear anybody's experience. Counting calories, dieting, "healthy eating" are not really options for me. I'll go really far in the opposite direction and get very obsessive.

But also, if I'm just supposed to accept my body as it is, I'm not willing to do that either. So....I feel kinda screwed either way.

Thanks for any input.

Tooshabby

Good on you for being so honest, sourbaby. Have you ever tried therapy?

sourbaby1986

Tons. Years. It never seems to get to the root of anything.

MissPerfumado

Hi sourbaby

I can relate. But I am satisfied that I have got over it. Purging, severe dieting, pill-popping and excessive exercise just to stay skinny is really not good, and you know it yourself. On the other hand, working out and clean eating to stay fit and healthy is, I think, a good thing. That's what I try to do and it has helped me accept and love my body. I still take care not to put on excessive weight but I don't obsess about a few pounds here or there and I definitely don't starve, purge or take drugs to lose weight.
I hope you can resolve this. You deserve to be free of these demons ... which as you know are of your own making. Peace to you.

Dee74

That's quite a bind.

No matter what you've tried before, I'd try it all again before I went back to stimulants.

According to your post arguments all roads seem to be pointing to you taking stimulants again right now?

Right now your AV has you painted into a corner.

It likes fear.
It's not a million miles away from us clinging desperately to our drug of choice as the only viable solution for dealing with our life.

But behavioural change is possible, or we all wouldn't be here on SR

'It' pinning you down is not a desirable outcome - but only you can do something about that.

If you're a 12 stepper have you thought of Over Eaters Anonymous?

There's some information in the posts at the top of our eating disorders forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/eating-disorders/

D

sourbaby1986

Thanks - I feel like I've got to not weigh myself and go about life. Exercise. Learn what my body wants, needs and craves. Do my best not to eat/restrict over feelings. I was a competitive athlete growing up so maybe the exercise will just help.

How did you get to the point of acceptance?

sourbaby1986

Thanks - and you're right. I've really got myself in a bind. I actually started my recovery journey a few years ago through OA, it's just tough cause I need less talking about food and I found OA where I now live more focused on overeating. But I'm willing to try it again.

I know what I need to an extent: no calorie counting, no weighing, no restricting, no obsessive food researching, no guilt around food. It just starts the restrict/binge cycle for me. So - I know. And I guess my opposite of AV needs to tell me that my weight is perfect and I will be fine. It's a non-issue. Maybe?

Soberwolf

Have you checked out SR's eating disorders forum for additional great advice

Eating Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

RedAndy

Can so relate to this Sourbaby, it's major obsession of mine too.

Same as I am with the drink once I start eating rubbish I can't stop but 90 % of the time I'm extremely strict with nutrition / diet, it plays with my head if I slip and put any weight on - used to be heavy a few years ago and yo-yo'd for years, however now I never let myself get above a certain weight if I've gone off track for a while (which has usually been through binging with the drink and drugs and that's the reason I'm, here as that has had to stop) I get too a certain point and have to go into ultra strict mode for a couple of months.

I weigh myself morning and night, no matter what point of the cycle I'm at, being good I feel as though I have to be in the gym 4 times a week minimum but once I go the other way I'm off again and can't stop once I start - its drives me nuts at times.

A few people telling me in the summer and again now that I've gone too far, wife telling me not to lose anymore weight however I eat anything like I did last night a few chocolates (well more than a few, enough to make me feel sick) and some enchiladas and I felt disgusting, cant work out why I'm so worked up about nothing, woke at 4 this morning hating the fact I'd eaten the chocolates and will be strict all day with it again, gym at 7 this morning (altho pulled a muscle - rhomboid - which is a recurring problem so that's now done my head in thinking I can't get back in there for a few weeks) but know as I'm not on 100 % at present once the evening comes will most likely do the same again - weird !!!

Thing is I know once I start over Christmas I'll eat and eat all the wrong things and get myself down about it unnecessarily and then just tell myself I'm not bothered and do it all the more as I've started so no point bothering about it - I am trying to not obsess about it as much but I can change shape within a day and it does my head in but I actually do feel uncomfortable also, obsessed, obsessed, obsessed.

Been telling myself that at least no alcohol will mean I won't gain weight as quickly but then again I probably need too just as soon as I do I feel as though I'm huge when in reality I'm definitely not.

Forever pinching my stomach checking that its not getting bigger - its just not normal and I know I keep doing it all day long, every time I stand up or walk round / sit back down.

SusanE

I,too, can relate. A year or two ago, a woman here asked about alcohol cravings return after taking Addipex.. Later on, I did a search and, sure enough, it's so. Search it. Addipex reduced those cravings in rats. It's a sun of a gun to run from one thing to another, I know.

Anna

This is my opinion - I think you need to learn to really listen to your body. You can learn to know when you are truly hungry and when you are tempted to eat emotionally. Once you learn to listen to your body (something us addicts are not good at), your weight problem with work itself out. I really think you should stay away from drugs and do the hard work to get to the root of your problems.

ScottFromWI

I think you probably need to keep trying on that front sourbaby. All the struggles you define in this thread most likely stem from the same root issue - addiction and compulsiveness. Almost all of us have it to some extent as part of our addiction. We want it ALL and we want it NOW!! That's why drugs/food/sex/gambling are so attractive at first, they provide us with some of that instant gratification we so desparately crave, but it doesn't last. And the bad things keep piling on afterwards.

And until we address that root/core problem, we just chase our tails. In your case, you see the drugs as something that can help you stay thin, when in reality there is no substitute for a healthy/balanced diet. - and your addiction hates hearing that because it's not a quick fix. But the reality is of course that there are no quick fixes.

The other point you made about acceptance makes sense too. It doesn't seem that you've accepted that you have these addictive qualities. How you get to that point is a different story for everyone, but that's where you have to do the work. You have to keep trying therapy or meetings. Or both. Even if they didn't work in the past that doesn't mean they wont work in the future.

OpenTuning

Hi Sourbaby,

There are many different forms of therapy, Person Centred, CBT, Psychodynamic etc. So it might be worth exploring different approaches if what you tried before wasn't working. Also, they all rely on the relationship you form with your counsellor, so it's possible you were just with the wrong person. I think it's well worth trying again to help get to the root of what you are saying you know is an unhealthy approach to food.

On a separate point, giving up alcohol cuts out a huge number of empty calories from your diet. A bottle of wine is about 650 calories. 2 pints of beer is equivalent to about 1.5 burgers. 4 single rum and cokes is about 2 burgers (info from the UK's Drinkaware.com).

I lost 7 pounds when I stopped drinking. Which took me by surprise and I even worried I had cancer until I discovered how many calories are in beer. In your case you say you've been taking stimulants, which complicates things, but hopefully cutting out booze and stimulants might pretty much cancel each other out.

I definitely think it's best to address how you think about food, rather than get into this kind of calorie counting, but just wanted to point out that sobriety has additional benefits beyond all the ones people normally talk about.

sourbaby1986

Yes! This is exactly how I am. Like exactly. It's my first obsession and its strong. In trying to avoid getting back like this - it's just as miserable, if not more so, than drugs and alcohol for me. At lease drugs and alcohol give some kind of temporary pleasure.

sourbaby1986

Yeah, it just seems impossible. I just want to stop thinking about food and my body. There are books and all that jazz, but it's like I WANT a book give me rules. Give me something for my mind to chomp on so I can avoid my life. Ugh.

Soberpotamus

I can relate, Sourbaby. I was into restricting calories and being on all sorts of "alternative" diets, such as raw, raw vegan, vegetarian, paleo, and really odd ones I made up myself. I do think it was all in an effort to "control" myself and my life. No amount of therapy really helped with that for some reason.

I quit drinking at age 35. I suffered some intense emotions, both ups and downs, grieved some losses, and finally came out on the other side, accepting myself flaws and all. And accepting my past. It was necessary that I finally give it all up ... to the universe, or whatever is out there (or not out there). I just had to let it all go. And then I sort of picked myself up and figured out who I was underneath it all.

I didn't need all that panic, worry, restriction, and obsession. Life is interesting enough with it.

I hope this helps in some way. Sometimes we go through some very unpleasant emotions before we come out on the other side. Maybe this is where you are at this moment? Take heart, keep going, and don't go backward to rely on your old crutches. That's your past. You don't need that. It will only hamper the new you that's emerging.

EndGameNYC

In my experience, getting to "the root of things" has rarely, if ever, been a solution to the problem.

I worked with a patient once who was obsessive and compulsive in the extreme. He was very astute at tracing back the threads of his present state to early childhood experiences and made interpretations of his current behavior that made perfect sense. He was never shy about discussing personally embarrassing and often humiliating things he'd done in his life, but he only got worse, and never better.

Long before this experience I'd discovered in my work that insight, more often than not, comes only after changes in behavior, and not before, and that much of the time makes things much worse. The distorted thinking that accompanies psychiatric disorders and alcohol and drug use tells us that we are supposed to be getting better by virtue of understanding our condition, and is often a destructive way to either remain as we are or to worsen our situation. This is an extremely frustrating state of being that only supports our tendency to continue doing that which hurts us most.

I only ever "understood" my drinking and drug use after I put down alcohol and drugs, and my understanding of "root causes" was flimsy at best and never satisfying or meaningful in any way. More than that, it never helped me to live a better life.

sourbaby1986

Wow, this is very very insightful. So just curious - in your own experience and in your practice, what is the best thing for one to do? Stop trying to understand it? And then what? We know when the drink/drug/obsession is gone, there's a hole left. What to fill it with? Cause I would rather die than feel that emptiness.

doggonecarl

When I was drinking/drugging, I characterized my using as "filling a void."

It was only after I quit that I realized that drink and drugs was the void. And when I got sober the hole filled up pretty quickly with life.

Fluffer

I'm in the just-do-it camp, i.e., just stop with the stimulants now. Plenty of time for navel gazing once you get sober. First things first.