Why Wasn't I Good Enough?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
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Why Wasn't I Good Enough?
Nothing has hurt me worse than seeing my XAB move on with someone new. What makes it especially difficult is that we never had an official ending and never got to say good-bye to each other. He met someone on tinder just a few short weeks after he got out of rehab (and right after he told me I was the love of his life and wanted to make things work with us). This was in April and they've already moved to Florida together and are planning a wedding in May. I recently found out that he started back to school down there in some kind of nursing program. He always told me that he wanted to be a nurse, but never did anything about it. I'm an educated and successful woman and I think that encouraged him to want to be better. But, I'm thinking now...why is he doing this now for this new girl? Why her? What makes her so special? Why couldn't I help him? Why wasn't I enough?
I know I have to stop beating myself up over it, but it still hurts so much. I never gave up on him and would have been there to help him through his recovery if he would have let me in. He didn't even try. The only reasoning I can come up with is that it's just easier for him to move on with someone new than to make amends with the past, even if deep down inside he still does love me.
I know I have to stop beating myself up over it, but it still hurts so much. I never gave up on him and would have been there to help him through his recovery if he would have let me in. He didn't even try. The only reasoning I can come up with is that it's just easier for him to move on with someone new than to make amends with the past, even if deep down inside he still does love me.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Hi Ad, I am so sorry to hear about this. This is a super, super painful thing to go through.
There are any number of reasons why he chose someone else some of these might even be pretty flattering to you.
Please try to make his choice the best thing that ever happened to you. Give yourself time. Lots of time. Take HUGE GOOD care of yourself. And come hang out with us!
There are any number of reasons why he chose someone else some of these might even be pretty flattering to you.
Please try to make his choice the best thing that ever happened to you. Give yourself time. Lots of time. Take HUGE GOOD care of yourself. And come hang out with us!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
His actions are very red Flag behavior. Entering into a relationship so quickly while in recovery (that's a big no no), Meeting someone off a hook up site, moving, and getting engaged all at warp speed.
While I understand that you see things as him getting it all together and wondering why it can't be with you - I'll tell you why. You knew too much. Jumping from person to person is very atypical addict behavior. A couple weeks out of rehab is not a recovered person! He is still exhibiting impulsive behavior and looking for a quick fix.
What makes the new girl special is ignorance of what she is really dealing with, probably a codependent personality, and some other issues that she would jump so quickly into a relationship that deep with someone she doesn't really know at all.
Best to do is to separate yourself completely from him and what he is doing. Stop the news information. If you are friends with him on Social Media block it. If you are still talking to him stop. If you friends are supplying information about him ask them to stop.
You are enough! What you weren't was ignorant. And that is why he moved on to the next victim.
While I understand that you see things as him getting it all together and wondering why it can't be with you - I'll tell you why. You knew too much. Jumping from person to person is very atypical addict behavior. A couple weeks out of rehab is not a recovered person! He is still exhibiting impulsive behavior and looking for a quick fix.
What makes the new girl special is ignorance of what she is really dealing with, probably a codependent personality, and some other issues that she would jump so quickly into a relationship that deep with someone she doesn't really know at all.
Best to do is to separate yourself completely from him and what he is doing. Stop the news information. If you are friends with him on Social Media block it. If you are still talking to him stop. If you friends are supplying information about him ask them to stop.
You are enough! What you weren't was ignorant. And that is why he moved on to the next victim.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Because HE is very needy.
You are perfectly enough, he is trying to fill a bottomless pit of need which no other human can possibly do.
Nothing to do with you,all about him.
You are perfectly enough, he is trying to fill a bottomless pit of need which no other human can possibly do.
Nothing to do with you,all about him.
Originally Posted by ad0117 
Nothing has hurt me worse than seeing my XAB move on with someone new. What makes it especially difficult is that we never had an official ending and never got to say good-bye to each other. He met someone on tinder just a few short weeks after he got out of rehab (and right after he told me I was the love of his life and wanted to make things work with us). This was in April and they've already moved to Florida together and are planning a wedding in May. I recently found out that he started back to school down there in some kind of nursing program. He always told me that he wanted to be a nurse, but never did anything about it. I'm an educated and successful woman and I think that encouraged him to want to be better. But, I'm thinking now...why is he doing this now for this new girl? Why her? What makes her so special? Why couldn't I help him? Why wasn't I enough?
I know I have to stop beating myself up over it, but it still hurts so much. I never gave up on him and would have been there to help him through his recovery if he would have let me in. He didn't even try. The only reasoning I can come up with is that it's just easier for him to move on with someone new than to make amends with the past, even if deep down inside he still does love me.
I know I have to stop beating myself up over it, but it still hurts so much. I never gave up on him and would have been there to help him through his recovery if he would have let me in. He didn't even try. The only reasoning I can come up with is that it's just easier for him to move on with someone new than to make amends with the past, even if deep down inside he still does love me.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think redatlanta nailed it. It's very common for alcoholics/addicts to pursue the "geographic cure"--move somewhere new, reinvent yourself, forget the past and everything will be hunky dory. This is a variation on that theme. Move away, find someone new, start school, start a new career. Recovery doesn't work that way. As noted, the recommendation is no major changes for the first year or so. He's doing it all at once the minute he's out of rehab.
So it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him. I understand how painful it feels, but there's a good chance all of this will come tumbling down, and you can be grateful you won't be the one in the middle of it.
Hugs,
So it has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with him. I understand how painful it feels, but there's a good chance all of this will come tumbling down, and you can be grateful you won't be the one in the middle of it.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hello! I just want to echo what the others have said. I know it hurts for now, but even the fact that he didn't even man-up with some closure to his relationship with you before moving on (at warp speed, I love that reference!) screams he's not in recovery! He is going to crash and burn HARD and now probably with a pregnant new wife. Be glad you aren't his next victim! You sound like a very smart lady!
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 222
Hi and I too agree with what everyone is saying on here. I get where you are coming from, as soon as my STBAXH found AA, he left me within months and we'd been married for 26 years. He seemed to be living "the dream", like he got himself together (fancy bachelor pad, lost weight, making money at our business, dressing great). People on here kept telling me that he wasn't really in recovery or healing (he was merely abstaining from alcohol) and it would catch up to him.
What I've found in the past few months is that because it was so painful, it caused me to work really hard on my own recovery so I could find the peace and serenity I desired. I worked tirelessly and it was exhausting. I'm still working very hard, but what I've found is that now his world is starting to crumble a bit more and more each day. And I am getting stronger and stronger.
They can't run from their addiction forever. That stuff follows you no matter how far or how fast you run...even at warp speed. He can't outrun his problems and his addictions.
Keep working on your recovery FOR YOU. The rest will all fall in to place for you. Have faith. It will. Trust me, what he is showing is a facade, inside he is still a mess, even if he doesn't know it yet.
What I've found in the past few months is that because it was so painful, it caused me to work really hard on my own recovery so I could find the peace and serenity I desired. I worked tirelessly and it was exhausting. I'm still working very hard, but what I've found is that now his world is starting to crumble a bit more and more each day. And I am getting stronger and stronger.
They can't run from their addiction forever. That stuff follows you no matter how far or how fast you run...even at warp speed. He can't outrun his problems and his addictions.
Keep working on your recovery FOR YOU. The rest will all fall in to place for you. Have faith. It will. Trust me, what he is showing is a facade, inside he is still a mess, even if he doesn't know it yet.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Second guessing why or why not this guy did what he did is an absolute waste of time.
I will keep it real simple here, he is not the one for you.
His actions say all you will ever need to know. He is not available to be in a relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. The new girlfriend is going to be feeling just as you currently do. You see a zebra cannot change it's stripes.
Try practicing some mindful awareness, when you find yourself traveling down memory lane, force yourself to switch your focus. Dwelling on the past, will only keep you stuck in a painful rut.
You are going to be ok, time to give yourself permission to move forward.
You are certainly enough. Be your own enough. You are worthy.
I will keep it real simple here, he is not the one for you.
His actions say all you will ever need to know. He is not available to be in a relationship with you or anyone else for that matter. The new girlfriend is going to be feeling just as you currently do. You see a zebra cannot change it's stripes.
Try practicing some mindful awareness, when you find yourself traveling down memory lane, force yourself to switch your focus. Dwelling on the past, will only keep you stuck in a painful rut.
You are going to be ok, time to give yourself permission to move forward.
You are certainly enough. Be your own enough. You are worthy.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by ad0117
The only reasoning I can come up with is that it's just easier for him to move on with someone new than to make amends with the past, even if deep down inside he still does love me.
As others have suggested, I think it's best to let go of trying to find any reasoning. There's nothing reasonable about this - it's emotional. You're never going to find sound reasoning. It just isn't there. The more you try, the more it's just going to drain your emotions and chip at your self confidence. It won't help you. Again, I say this because I know this, and I know how hard this is. I still spend hours of energy each day trying to find that magic reasoning. I need to practice my own advice, too, and I know how hard that is to do. But I do believe there's a way out of this and I fully believe we are both capable of getting there.
As redatlanta and LexieCat said, the only "reason" that really means anything is this: you (rightfully) challenge his feelings about alcohol. You force him to look in the mirror. You represent the hard but healthy path. He simply can't now face the hard reality of who he is, and will be irresistably lured toward any other path that gives him an easy way out. So contemplate that, perhaps, but please try not to find any more sophisticated reasoning. It really is that simple, in the end. The bright side of this (if you choose to see it this way), is it speaks volumes about how amazing and strong you are. You are literally too good for him. Your only "fault" in this is being too good and healthy a person. While that offers limited solace now - through all the heartbreak and pain - it speaks volumes about the good you have ahead in your future. You will rise far higher than he one day, I guarantee it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
ad, this was posted in another thread with a similar topic some time ago. I liked it so much I saved it. Here it is, and I hope you find it as useful as I do.
Regarding an SR member posting that they had heard/seen on FB/other media about their X and their "wonderful new life" and "wonderful new GF/BF", another SR member replied: I try to think of it this way- If I threw a moldy sandwich in a Dumpster, would I really be jealous of the person who was so starved for crumbs that they would dive in the Dumpster to pick it up?
And I think you are not looking for moldy crumbs, ad--I think you are looking for something much better!
Regarding an SR member posting that they had heard/seen on FB/other media about their X and their "wonderful new life" and "wonderful new GF/BF", another SR member replied: I try to think of it this way- If I threw a moldy sandwich in a Dumpster, would I really be jealous of the person who was so starved for crumbs that they would dive in the Dumpster to pick it up?
And I think you are not looking for moldy crumbs, ad--I think you are looking for something much better!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
why is he doing this now for this new girl? Why her? What makes her so special? Why couldn't I help him? Why wasn't I enough?
the above is the product of faulty thinking.....he is not or should not be DOING THIS FOR the new girl or anyone but himself.
it was never about you HELPING him....or being his reason for doing things.....nor does it have a thing to do with your intrinsic VALUE. he decided to make changes and take his life in a new direction. ok, he wasn't exactly SMOOTH about it the transition, BUT if he was able to move on like that without a backwards glance, then he was never that INVESTED - regardless of his WORDS.
that stings and that sux but again it has NOTHING to do with you. and it is most certainly not because you aren't enough....
the lesson for you is to not try to make yourself somebody else's REASON....to fix or change themselves. you aren't a raffle prize.
be your own reason.
the above is the product of faulty thinking.....he is not or should not be DOING THIS FOR the new girl or anyone but himself.
it was never about you HELPING him....or being his reason for doing things.....nor does it have a thing to do with your intrinsic VALUE. he decided to make changes and take his life in a new direction. ok, he wasn't exactly SMOOTH about it the transition, BUT if he was able to move on like that without a backwards glance, then he was never that INVESTED - regardless of his WORDS.
that stings and that sux but again it has NOTHING to do with you. and it is most certainly not because you aren't enough....
the lesson for you is to not try to make yourself somebody else's REASON....to fix or change themselves. you aren't a raffle prize.
be your own reason.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Hi ad, I do hope you keep coming back and posting. A lot of us have been in similar situations as you and know the psychedelic, glow-in-the-dark pain of this situation way better than we would like to.
I don't really like what I said in my previous post but the others have said it WAAAAAY better.
You are enough. You are better than enough. You are way too good for this guy (that is the problem). Work your own recovery as if your life depends on it (and it does.). Make it good for yourself. Your EX will almost inevitably crash and burn and there is nothing anyone can do for him. Although if he decides to "do" for himself there is lots of support.
Please keep breathing, taking care of yourself and posting here. There are wonderful folks here.
I don't really like what I said in my previous post but the others have said it WAAAAAY better.
You are enough. You are better than enough. You are way too good for this guy (that is the problem). Work your own recovery as if your life depends on it (and it does.). Make it good for yourself. Your EX will almost inevitably crash and burn and there is nothing anyone can do for him. Although if he decides to "do" for himself there is lots of support.
Please keep breathing, taking care of yourself and posting here. There are wonderful folks here.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio
Posts: 44
Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I know I deserve better and I will get it. But, it does still hurt. I still think of him. I still cry. My heart still breaks over again when something reminds me of him. I know it takes time. I'm slowly getting back to my normal self and trying to do things to make me the best I can be. I will rise above this.
I wish with all my heart for him to be well. I will love him always for the person I knew him to be...not the person he is now. And I pray he can someday be that person again.
I know in my heart what he's doing now is wrong. I hope they realize before it's too late.
You all are right, though...he isn't the one for me. I deserve so much more than he could ever give me. I only wish I had the answers. I know I just have to accept I may never know the "why" in all of this.
I wish with all my heart for him to be well. I will love him always for the person I knew him to be...not the person he is now. And I pray he can someday be that person again.
I know in my heart what he's doing now is wrong. I hope they realize before it's too late.
You all are right, though...he isn't the one for me. I deserve so much more than he could ever give me. I only wish I had the answers. I know I just have to accept I may never know the "why" in all of this.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I know I just have to accept I may never know the "why" in all of this.
The "why" has been pointed out to you multiple times in this thread. To be with you he would have to change. He doesn't want to. Its that simple.
Its also not personal, its not about if he loved you or if you were a great gf. has nothing to do with it. The harder decision would have been to continue with Recovery and make changes to negative behavior and thought patterns (such as the impulsivity he is has shown in making a major life decision). Unfortunately, human nature is often likely to take the easier well traveled and familiar walk rather than the harder, unknown one.
I know in my heart what he's doing now is wrong. I hope they realize before it's too late.
Hon, he has his own path to walk right now and the truth is you know very, very little about what that path looks like. You have very little information about what he is supposedly doing, or is going to do in the future. From that little information you have you have predetermined what he is doing is wrong, and he needs to realize it before its "too late". This is future tripping. Nobody can say what the future holds for him. We can observe the behavior has a lot of red flags.
More importantly, the focus is on him and not on you. That is where your focus needs to be, on you. Not on someone you have no contact with that at the end of the day is just someone you used to know.
What are you doing for yourself to heal from this and bring positivity into your life?
The "why" has been pointed out to you multiple times in this thread. To be with you he would have to change. He doesn't want to. Its that simple.
Its also not personal, its not about if he loved you or if you were a great gf. has nothing to do with it. The harder decision would have been to continue with Recovery and make changes to negative behavior and thought patterns (such as the impulsivity he is has shown in making a major life decision). Unfortunately, human nature is often likely to take the easier well traveled and familiar walk rather than the harder, unknown one.
I know in my heart what he's doing now is wrong. I hope they realize before it's too late.
Hon, he has his own path to walk right now and the truth is you know very, very little about what that path looks like. You have very little information about what he is supposedly doing, or is going to do in the future. From that little information you have you have predetermined what he is doing is wrong, and he needs to realize it before its "too late". This is future tripping. Nobody can say what the future holds for him. We can observe the behavior has a lot of red flags.
More importantly, the focus is on him and not on you. That is where your focus needs to be, on you. Not on someone you have no contact with that at the end of the day is just someone you used to know.
What are you doing for yourself to heal from this and bring positivity into your life?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ad,
I am sorry for your pain, Most of us here have felt your pain in one way or another. No one is telling you, you have to hate him. You can still love this man, but love him and pray for him from a distance. Keep it to yourself, he doesn't need to know.
Slowly the pain softens. I have been divorced a year now after 34 years with my axh. He is still drinking, he is still depressed, he is still miserable. The thing is, I am not. Don't get me wrong, I still love my x and pray for him, but I am so much better because I am not dealing with all his drama everyday. It consumed me, I was so miserable. I was so depressed, couldn't sleep, just so sick.
The other day he tried to drag me into his family drama, and I called him out on it and told him to forget it, I am no longer his wife and not taking his crap any longer. Give your self some time. He has to have another enabler for him to facilitate his drinking, if it's not her it will be someone else he uses, nothing personal to you. Slowly take back your life, and it will all fall into place like God wanted it to.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you when you need some support, you can do this!!!
I am sorry for your pain, Most of us here have felt your pain in one way or another. No one is telling you, you have to hate him. You can still love this man, but love him and pray for him from a distance. Keep it to yourself, he doesn't need to know.
Slowly the pain softens. I have been divorced a year now after 34 years with my axh. He is still drinking, he is still depressed, he is still miserable. The thing is, I am not. Don't get me wrong, I still love my x and pray for him, but I am so much better because I am not dealing with all his drama everyday. It consumed me, I was so miserable. I was so depressed, couldn't sleep, just so sick.
The other day he tried to drag me into his family drama, and I called him out on it and told him to forget it, I am no longer his wife and not taking his crap any longer. Give your self some time. He has to have another enabler for him to facilitate his drinking, if it's not her it will be someone else he uses, nothing personal to you. Slowly take back your life, and it will all fall into place like God wanted it to.
Hugs my friend, we are here for you when you need some support, you can do this!!!
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